072: Why Overcomplicating Emotions Harms Us and What To Do Instead

This episode is for those who find themselves in an inner space of awkward loss and silence, for those who feel grief and overwhelm from the events of the world. Here we reflect on the Middle East crisis, by stepping outside the politics and into the quiet solitude of a grieving heart.   What do you do, when you don't want to talk, yet want to be heard? What do you do, when you don't know what to say, and yet want to be understood? When you can't reveal what's on your heart, and want to be seen regardless, what do you do?   Sometimes it may feel like we arrive at an empty parking lot, finding silence and desertion, instead of a sign of life. We hear silence instead of voices that talk about things we find important. Events of our times may make us feel alone and abandoned, when what deeply matters seems to be left out of the conversation and ignored.    Tune into this episode, where we explore ways to reconnect with our own heart, in our attempt to look into the unseen.        "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.     Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

Imagine if we needed to know everything about our lungs in order to take a breath. It would be impossible to live. And yet, something similar is happening with emotions. We no longer trust our basic intuitions about what we feel, because of so much noise in the mainstream narrative about the purpose of emotions and what to do about them. But how complicated are our emotions, really? Today let's chat about why the world of emotions has become so complicated and why it harms us when we overcomplicate emotions. How much should we listen to experts and is there anything we can do instead?  That and more in today's conversation.   "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book I reference in this episode. You don't want to miss it! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions, make them work for you (not against you), and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.     Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

Strong relationships depend on respectful interactions. As we discussed in the previous episode, one of the things that will make the transition into the school year more smooth is to maintain a strong relationship with our children.   But you may wonder, what does it look like? Afterall, respectful interactions are not about giving into the child's whishes, nor is it about being permissive. In this episode, I give you some ideas about what that may look like.   If you'd like to have an easy-access visual reference to these ideas, you can find the one-page overview in the podcast shownotes. Go to theparentingpresence.com and click on Episode 071.     "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.     Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Twitter @JuliaPappasJoy or on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

The transition from summer vacation to the school year is typically centered around preparing children for the changes ahead. However, an often overlooked aspect is the well-being of parents during this shift. In this episode, we explore five unconventional pieces of advice that focus on parents' needs and well-being to ensure a successful school year.   Mentioned in this episode: "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.     Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com         

Our children rely on us for everything. Meeting our children’s needs is our responsibility. This seems like an accurate statement. But upon close inspection, it is only partially correct. Let’s see why…   The younger children are, the more they rely on us. The older they are, however, the less they should need from us.  That is the nature of growing up.   The developmental purpose of childhood is to take the time needed to become an adult. And not just any adult, but an adult who is independent and self-reliant. And the task of parenting is to help our children with that.   One of the ways we help is by teaching children to take care of their own needs.    If you look at childhood from that perspective, our job as parents is not actually to take care of our children. That is only part of it, a temporary one at that. The more important and often overlooked part of our job is to teach them how to do it for themselves. And while they are learning, we do of course help them meet those needs.   Tune into today’s episode of The Parenting Presence to hear more.       "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.   Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

For way too long we were told that the reason why we have negative emotions is because our brain is at fault. In other words, we were told that there are "errors" in our thinking and that the brain sends us false signals and creates problems when there are none.    And so when we believe this to be true, we try to talk ourselves out of what we are feeling and do a lot of work to change our thoughts about what we feel. When you feel bad, it isn't your mind or your mindset that's at fault.    Let's correct that misconception! Why? Because no amount of thought-work can address the real reason behind emotions.  That is why we end up stuck in them.   In this episode, we discuss what the actual role of emotions is and what to do to resolve them. This is one of many conversations we will have about emotional regulation, so stay tuned for next episodes. As a parent, you are not only dealing with your own emotions, but also the emotions of your child. When we are well emotionally regulated and have our needs met, we will show up differently in all challenging interactions, which — let's be honest — parenting is full of!         "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Get a FREE Chapter at dontblamethebrain.com        Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

  Let's talk about encouragement... When we know that children can do better, it is hard not to want to encourage them to do better. Right? We want them to do well. In fact, we want them to do their best. But will they?   It all depends on how we approach these situations. The ones when we see a difference between where our child is currently at and where they can be... How do we encourage them in a way that is actually helpful?   Tune into this episode, to find out!     __________________________ "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.       Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

If you only had time to read ONE book on emotional regulation, which one would I recommend? Until recently I would think long and hard about this question, because there wasn’t a book that checked all the boxes for me. Something was always missing. I finally found the missing piece and I have a book recommendation to make.   "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

What do boundaries have to do with emotional regulation? In this episode we are exploring the connection between the Sense of Self and the child’s sense of psychological Boundaries and what they have to do with the child’s emotional regulation.    We explore why there can be no mental health without a Sense of Self. And the child’s ability to form a strong Sense of Self depends on Boundaries.   It is the child's Sense of Self that ultimately helps them regulate emotionally, because of things like self-awareness and self-control, that come with the Sense of Self. Self awareness helps the child become aware of what they are feeling and also become aware of the fact that these are their emotions. And because it is their emotions, it is the child who wants to feel better, and is therefore compelled to find a way to self-regulate.   And the ability to self-regulate comes from their capacity for self-control. This capacity increases as the child’s Sense of Self gets stronger.    And the only way the Sense of Self can get stronger is — through boundaries. And so, as the Sense of Self strengthens (when protected by boundaries), it in turn also helps reinforce those boundaries even more.   This way, Boundaries and Sense of Self are not only interconnected, they reinforce each other.         Want to explore another important issue? "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.     Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

Facing personal losses and overcoming life storms is challenging as it is. But how do we do that in the context of the world at large that seems to be going through crisis after crisis, without an end in sight?    Every loss and every challenge we face splits the path we’re on into two.    One takes you towards disorientation and disintegration, which ultimately leads to more chaos.  The other — towards a deep assessment of what matters. It keeps us grounded, while also planting seeds for next steps and growth.    Four things are helpful to keep in mind when we navigate dark times in our lives. These are: Understanding the sphere of threat Assessing the sphere of influence Orienting in chaos Sense of Agency   Making sure we have clear priorities, will also ensure that we are not leaking resources into the world we cannot help. That way we can preserve them to support our own smaller world, within the sphere of our influence. That is the way we have the most impact and are able to weather our own storms.   Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com