058: Why Resilience Is The Skill Of The Future & How To Help Children Be Resilient

Our children rely on us for everything. Meeting our children’s needs is our responsibility. This seems like an accurate statement. But upon close inspection, it is only partially correct. Let’s see why…   The younger children are, the more they rely on us. The older they are, however, the less they should need from us.  That is the nature of growing up.   The developmental purpose of childhood is to take the time needed to become an adult. And not just any adult, but an adult who is independent and self-reliant. And the task of parenting is to help our children with that.   One of the ways we help is by teaching children to take care of their own needs.    If you look at childhood from that perspective, our job as parents is not actually to take care of our children. That is only part of it, a temporary one at that. The more important and often overlooked part of our job is to teach them how to do it for themselves. And while they are learning, we do of course help them meet those needs.   Tune into today’s episode of The Parenting Presence to hear more.       "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.   Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

For way too long we were told that the reason why we have negative emotions is because our brain is at fault. In other words, we were told that there are "errors" in our thinking and that the brain sends us false signals and creates problems when there are none.    And so when we believe this to be true, we try to talk ourselves out of what we are feeling and do a lot of work to change our thoughts about what we feel. When you feel bad, it isn't your mind or your mindset that's at fault.    Let's correct that misconception! Why? Because no amount of thought-work can address the real reason behind emotions.  That is why we end up stuck in them.   In this episode, we discuss what the actual role of emotions is and what to do to resolve them. This is one of many conversations we will have about emotional regulation, so stay tuned for next episodes. As a parent, you are not only dealing with your own emotions, but also the emotions of your child. When we are well emotionally regulated and have our needs met, we will show up differently in all challenging interactions, which — let's be honest — parenting is full of!         "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Get a FREE Chapter at dontblamethebrain.com        Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

  Let's talk about encouragement... When we know that children can do better, it is hard not to want to encourage them to do better. Right? We want them to do well. In fact, we want them to do their best. But will they?   It all depends on how we approach these situations. The ones when we see a difference between where our child is currently at and where they can be... How do we encourage them in a way that is actually helpful?   Tune into this episode, to find out!     __________________________ "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.       Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

If you only had time to read ONE book on emotional regulation, which one would I recommend? Until recently I would think long and hard about this question, because there wasn’t a book that checked all the boxes for me. Something was always missing. I finally found the missing piece and I have a book recommendation to make.   "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

What do boundaries have to do with emotional regulation? In this episode we are exploring the connection between the Sense of Self and the child’s sense of psychological Boundaries and what they have to do with the child’s emotional regulation.    We explore why there can be no mental health without a Sense of Self. And the child’s ability to form a strong Sense of Self depends on Boundaries.   It is the child's Sense of Self that ultimately helps them regulate emotionally, because of things like self-awareness and self-control, that come with the Sense of Self. Self awareness helps the child become aware of what they are feeling and also become aware of the fact that these are their emotions. And because it is their emotions, it is the child who wants to feel better, and is therefore compelled to find a way to self-regulate.   And the ability to self-regulate comes from their capacity for self-control. This capacity increases as the child’s Sense of Self gets stronger.    And the only way the Sense of Self can get stronger is — through boundaries. And so, as the Sense of Self strengthens (when protected by boundaries), it in turn also helps reinforce those boundaries even more.   This way, Boundaries and Sense of Self are not only interconnected, they reinforce each other.         Want to explore another important issue? "Don't Blame The Brain" is the book you don't want to miss! In this book, I walk you through a simple and reliable process to get the most out of your emotions and feel better finally.   Go to dontblamethebrain.com for details.     Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com     

Facing personal losses and overcoming life storms is challenging as it is. But how do we do that in the context of the world at large that seems to be going through crisis after crisis, without an end in sight?    Every loss and every challenge we face splits the path we’re on into two.    One takes you towards disorientation and disintegration, which ultimately leads to more chaos.  The other — towards a deep assessment of what matters. It keeps us grounded, while also planting seeds for next steps and growth.    Four things are helpful to keep in mind when we navigate dark times in our lives. These are: Understanding the sphere of threat Assessing the sphere of influence Orienting in chaos Sense of Agency   Making sure we have clear priorities, will also ensure that we are not leaking resources into the world we cannot help. That way we can preserve them to support our own smaller world, within the sphere of our influence. That is the way we have the most impact and are able to weather our own storms.   Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

Assertiveness is that special quality we want our children to have. But what is it? And how do we get it? What can we do to make sure our children become more assertive?   Feeling lost? You are not the only one. I used to have trouble with it, until something became clear:   The trouble with assertiveness is not that it is complicated, but that it has vague definitions.    For example “healthy communication” and “being willing to understand others.” What does that even mean? Can it get any more vague? And some of these definitions include words and connotations that we may not be comfortable with, such as “forceful” or “aggressive.” I mean, who wants to teach their child to be more aggressive?   You need a better definition, the one that gets to the core of what assertiveness is about. Here it is:   Assertiveness is the ability to say “no.”   Another way to say the same thing is that assertiveness is about — boundaries. If we want our children to be more assertive, we have to help them express their boundaries.    That is, truly, all you need to focus on.    No need to worry about all those ancillary qualities that accompany assertiveness, but do not "cause" it.  When children are able to say “no,” defend their preference, express their needs and wants (especially when it may not be easy to do) — when they are able to do all that, you will see them confident, bold, daring, and assured.           Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com   

2023 is here and so are some exciting news that I really want to share with you. Here is what is coming this year:   - making commitments to ourselves based on what truly serves us - my book on emotions, their purpose, and how to truly benefit from them. See details at www.dontblamethebrain.com  - as we continue talking about children, we will also focus more on the adult (you and me) in that dynamic - more tools for you to strengthen your own wellbeing, so that you can show up in parenting the best way that you can  - the importance of knowing oneself and having a Sense of Agency, both as an adult and as a parent     Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com 

Have you been wondering why your child is not sharing as many things as they used to? Do they give you one-word responses or would rather talk about things with their friends? Do they seem less interested in discussing different things with you? And does all of that make it seem as though they are hiding something from you or have secrets?  Let's talk about it!  First of all, this is important to address because it does create stress for us parents. It is not a pleasant experience to feel like your child is less interested in spending time together. And it is concerning to think they hold secrets from us. And the second reason for this conversation is to give you a set of concepts to guide your understanding of what is happening for your child. And also, not the least important, what may be going on for you as a parent as your watch child grow and things between you change. Tune in to this episode of The Parenting Presence to hear: what is expected for children developmentally what is the difference between secret and private what happens when we worry and ask too many questions and how to ensure we continue to have a solid relationship as our children grow and change.       Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com 

Let’s be honest for a second. Is gratitude working for you? No, I am not asking whether you are trying to make it work, but whether you truly feel the way you want to feel when you engage in a gratitude practice. If yes, fantastic (read on, as it may be helpful to know why it's working so well) and if not, great too, because we will sort this out.   Gratitude is a helpful practice for all parents, when done right.   There is enough to worry about in parenting, to have to deal with the troubles that a well-intended practice of gratitude can create. You see, though a simple idea, the practice of gratitude as it has been promoted in the mainstream culture, has lost some of its nuances. And these nuances are pretty essential, if you ask me. When gratitude is approached with the wrong understanding, it can actually make us more anxious and stressed.   The way gratitude makes us feel depends on our nervous system.   More specifically, it depends on which part of our autonomic nervous system (ANS for short) is engaged when we practice gratitude. If you are not into neuropsych stuff, don’t run away from me just yet. I will make this really simple. First, let’s start with how you expect to feel when following a gratitude practice.   You expect to feel is — peaceful and nourished. What you may feel instead is — a bit more anxious.   Not at all what you wanted, right? Why is that? The answer lies in whether you are engaging in more doing in your gratitude practice, as opposed to more being. These two states tend to conflict with one another, and that is why you may not be feeling satisfied with what your gratitude practice does for you. You see, two very different parts of our nervous system are activated when we are doing vs. when we are being.      When we are in the doing mode, we engage our sympathetic nervous system. When we are in the being mode, we engage our parasympathetic nervous system.   You may not be thinking that you are engaged in a lot of doing when it comes to gratitude, but actually — you may be, without even realizing it. So tune into this week’s Episode of The Parenting Presence podcast, where together we sort out these details. It is when we shift from doing to being, that gratitude truly begins to feel like a restorative and supportive practice.     Want to explore another important issue? Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Podcast Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach With questions and comments, please reach out on Instagram @theparentingpresence. Additional info is available at theparentingpresence.com