The Dark Side of Control

Do you get grippy, anxious, or self-critical when life doesn’t go the way you planned? In this Secret Sangha episode, I explore the paradox and dark side of control—sparked by what happened at a private dinner after my Tell the Truth Salon event with Dan Siegel. Drawing on Dan’s ABC motivational systems (agency, belonging, certainty), we unpack how control spirals show up as rumination, self-blame, people-pleasing, or criticism. I also share how one question at dinner revealed that many pivotal moments in our lives come when control is ripped away. Listen and learn:The ABC systems behind your control habits: agency, belonging, and certaintyCommon “dark side” control strategies (inner focus, outer focus, and push-pull)What’s not up to you (others’ actions, happiness, thoughts/feelings, outcomes) and what is (your actions and response)The Wise Effort method: get curious, sort what you can/can’t control, and focus your energyIf this episode helps, share it with someone who’s stuck in a control loop.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.

On The Wise Effort show, Diana Hill talks with Dr. Joseph Ciarrochi, a researcher in process-based therapy and ACT, about self-righteous anger and how to stay honest and kind when others aren’t. They explore the psychology of getting “hijacked” in conflict, describing outrage and being right as an addiction (experiential attachment) distinct from experiential avoidance, with different intervention implications. Using examples like a conflict with neighbors, online outrage, and relationship fights, they discuss wise distance, not adding fuel to the fire, asserting boundaries when effective, and directing core human yearnings (competence, connection, purpose, meaning, orientation, and feeling) toward what truly satisfies rather than empty status pursuits.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Tell the Truth Salon Series You are invited to join me live in person or streaming online here in Santa Barbara to Tell the Truth Salon Series. This is something that I have been dreaming up for a while now. I want us to gather in person, online, and have real conversations, unedited, unscripted, with people who are change-makers in our world, but also to uncover our own inner truths. https://drdianahill.com/salonTell the Truth Salon Series

Dr. Diana Hill interviews contemplative social scientist and emotion researcher Dr. Eve Ekman, senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and co-creator (with her father Paul Ekman) of The Atlas of Emotions, a tool requested by the Dalai Lama to help people understand how emotions arise and are experienced. They discuss why “emotion regulation” can miss the larger richness of emotions, and how the Atlas emphasizes triggers, physiology, personal history, and—most importantly—our responses, which can be constructive or destructive. Ekman describes building awareness over time rather than relying on quick fixes, the costs of suppression, and the role of sangha and relationships in working with emotions. The conversation also explores grief, caregiving, Father’s Day, impermanence, and Ekman’s experience losing her 91-year-old father after dementia, including relief, tenderness, and the social nature of emotions.Listen and Learn:Emotions are more than something to regulate.Emotional awareness is built through practice.Making room for grief can deepen love and connection.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Tell the Truth Salon Series You are invited to join me live in person or streaming online here in Santa Barbara to Tell the Truth Salon Series. This is something that I have been dreaming up for a while now. I want us to gather in person, online, and have real conversations, unedited, unscripted, with people who are change-makers in our world, but also to uncover our own inner truths. https://drdianahill.com/salonTell the Truth Salon Series

Are you feeling disconnected from what you know is true for you—and overriding it anyway? In this live-recorded Wise Effort episode, Diana Hill explores “truth” (personal, collective, spiritual, and scientific) and how it’s often simple, close, profound, or even hard to accept. She shares ways truth emerges through rough initiations, deep listening to the body and intuition, unexpected states of consciousness, solitude, real conversation with epistemic humility, and connection to nature as a resilience factor. She closes with a “truth or dare” invitation to name a truth and take one action to live it this week.Listen and Learn:There are overlapping truths from science and spirituality, including that we’re not separate selves, the mind extends beyond the brain, attention shapes the brainAvenues to finding your truthsHow awareness is different from thoughts and feelings. Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Tell the Truth Salon Series You are invited to join me live in person or streaming online here in Santa Barbara to Tell the Truth Salon Series. This is something that I have been dreaming up for a while now. I want us to gather in person, online, and have real conversations, unedited, unscripted, with people who are change-makers in our world, but also to uncover our own inner truths. https://drdianahill.com/salonTell the Truth Salon Series

Do you feel stuck in worry loops that drain your energy and pull you out of the present moment? In this episode of The Wise Effort Show, Dr. Diana Hill talks with neuroscientist and psychiatrist Dr. Judson Brewer about “inside information” on the brain—especially the default mode network and how self-focused rumination and worry activate the posterior cingulate cortex. They explore new, encouraging research showing that experienced meditators don’t show the same activation during worry recall, and that even beginners can deactivate this brain region quickly using a simple mindfulness “noting” practice (labeling seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking). Diana and Jud also discuss using technology to interrupt addictive habit loops (like compulsive checking) and how moving beyond anxiety can open the door to integrity, kindness, and flourishing—grounded in the reminder that “your actions are your only belongings.”Listen and learn:Your brain has a “me network” that can drain your energy.Noticing changes your relationship to experience.The goal is not just less anxiety, but more integrity, energy, and flourishing.“My actions are my only belongings.”Suggested Next Episode:Busting Brain Myths With Dr. Judson BrewerRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Tell the Truth Salon Series You are invited to join me live in person or streaming online here in Santa Barbara to Tell the Truth Salon Series. This is something that I have been dreaming up for a while now. I want us to gather in person, online, and have real conversations, unedited, unscripted, with people who are change-makers in our world, but also to uncover our own inner truths. https://drdianahill.com/salonTell the Truth Salon Series

Are you caught in the exhausting loop of thinking life should feel better than it does right now? In this episode, Dr. Diana Hill explores the First Noble Truth—dukkha, the ordinary “itchiness” of life—and the four great lies that keep us stuck: that things should be different, that you need to fix things to feel better, that you’ll be happy when, and that there’s no way to be happy. Diana shares a modern take on the Four Noble Truths, describing a horizontal plane of ease and dis-ease and a vertical plane of resisting versus freedom, reminding us that resisting makes suffering worse and that freedom is available here and now. Listen and learn:How dukkha shows up in everyday life (like the “itchy sweater”)The four great lies that drive grasping, avoidance, and dissatisfactionWhy resisting what is keeps you “below the line” in sufferingThe practice of telling the truth with “And this too”Listen in, and if it resonates, share this episode with someone who’s stuck in the “it should be different” story.Suggested Next Episode:You can also enjoy Diana's related Bonus Meditation: DissatisfactionRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join The Wise Effort Community.The Wise Effort Community exists to help people keep doing the work — applying ACT and contemplative practice to a real life — long after the book is closed, the workshop is done, and the retreat is over. The thing they're buying is sustained, guided practice with me and with each other, so the insights don't evaporate. The Wise Effort Community is your guided home for ongoing Wise Effort practice — monthly live teaching with me, a weekly practice rhythm, an on-demand library, and a community of people doing the work alongside you. Also, sustaining members get “Member’s Special" early access and special pricing to Diana’s In-Person Events, including Diana’s gatherings, courses, programs, and retreats.Wise Effort Community

Diana guides a meditation on suffering and dissatisfaction, framing it as a normal part of being human and offering relief in recognizing that nothing is “wrong” with you for feeling discontent. It invites stepping into a “vertical” space that holds all experience without needing it to change. Suggested Next Episode:You can also enjoy Diana's related talk--Episode 201 Dissatisfied: The First Noble Truth and Four Great Lies that FollowRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.

Have you ever felt panicked and untethered when you’re lost—at work, in a relationship, or even in your own mind? In this episode, Dr. Diana Hill explores how “lostness” can send us into panic, false refuges, and strange loops that make things worse, and how it can also open a doorway to transformation. Drawing from her own story about thinking she’d left her computer at a New York hotel, Diana shares practices to help you stay where you are, take in a bigger perspective, and ask more beautiful questions in meditation and life.Listen and learn:How strange loops keep us tangled in unhelpful patternsThe inner dimensions we can get lost in: self, attention, thoughts, purpose, feelings, and behaviorWhat to do when you’re lost: pause, broaden your view, and ask beautiful questions ("What is here?", "What else?", "What do I really want?")If this episode helps you find steadier ground, share it with someone who feels scattered or stuck.Suggested Next Episode:You can also enjoy Diana's related Bonus Meditation: LostRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join The Wise Effort Community.The Wise Effort Community exists to help people keep doing the work — applying ACT and contemplative practice to a real life — long after the book is closed, the workshop is done, and the retreat is over. The thing they're buying is sustained, guided practice with me and with each other, so the insights don't evaporate. The Wise Effort Community is your guided home for ongoing Wise Effort practice — monthly live teaching with me, a weekly practice rhythm, an on-demand library, and a community of people doing the work alongside you. Also, sustaining members get “Member’s Special" early access and special pricing to Diana’s In-Person Events, including Diana’s gatherings, courses, programs, and retreats.Wise Effort Community

Diana guides a meditation practice focused on increasing capacity to be with silence and open awareness. The practice emphasizes noticing the mind’s urge to comment or problem-solve, then letting go, leaning back, and relaxing into the silence and space around noise—like a “permanent layover” with nowhere to go and nothing to do—while adding warmth and kindness.Suggested Next Episode:You can also enjoy Diana's related talk--Episode 200 LostRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.

Do you feel stuck in a tug-of-war—like you have to choose between two things that both matter? In this Secret Sangha episode, Diana Hill shares on the topic of paradox, and how the tension you’re trying to “solve” may actually be the place where growth happens. Drawing on examples from relationships, parenting, work-life balance, and her own struggle between service and making a living as a therapist, Diana explores Marianne Lewis’s “both/and” approach—shifting the question, seeing interdependence, and rethinking outcomes so you can walk the tightrope with more ease.Listen and learn:The three core features of paradoxWhy trying to eliminate a paradox often keeps you stuck in struggleHow to shift from “either/or” to “both/and” thinkingShare this episode with someone who feels forced to choose—and practice holding both sides with wise effort.Suggested Next Episode:The Power Of Both/And Thinking To Find Creative, Integrative Solutions To Paradoxes With Dr. Marianne LewisRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join The Wise Effort Community.The Wise Effort Community exists to help people keep doing the work — applying ACT and contemplative practice to a real life — long after the book is closed, the workshop is done, and the retreat is over. The thing they're buying is sustained, guided practice with me and with each other, so the insights don't evaporate. The Wise Effort Community is your guided home for ongoing Wise Effort practice — monthly live teaching with me, a weekly practice rhythm, an on-demand library, and a community of people doing the work alongside you. Also, sustaining members get “Member’s Special" early access and special pricing to Diana’s In-Person Events, including Diana’s gatherings, courses, programs, and retreats.Wise Effort Community