How to Be a Decent Human When Someone Is Not Decent to You With Dr. Joseph Ciarrochi

Have you hit a wall in midlife and started wondering if it's too late to build something bigger? This episode gives you concrete, science-backed practices for answering that question and reclaiming the life you actually want. Diana talks with NPR health correspondent Allison Aubrey, author of Your Turn: How to Create a Midlife You Love, about what it took for her to move from decades of striving and burnout toward something freer and more her own — from parts work that names the "striver" running the show, to turning a big dream into a realistic plan, to the strength training that keeps you capable and free as you age.Listen and learn:How IFS (parts work) can help you find the striver part driving your burnout — and make room for who you were before the world had expectations of youThe WOOP method for turning a big wish into a workable plan by naming the real obstacles in your wayWhy dream incubation is backed by real science, not superstition — and how to try it tonightThe "nine lives" exercise: a two-minute writing prompt that reveals what you actually want, underneath what you think you should wantListen to the full conversation now — and if it speaks to you, share it with someone standing at the edge of their own larger life.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

After a client checked in on her wellbeing following a newsletter that said she felt overwhelmed, Diana reflects on how modern life collapses the space we need to know what fuels us versus drains us. She shares creating space through an “energy audit,” moving commitments, stepping back from Instagram, and hiring help, alongside preparing for an emotionally significant talk at her son’s prestigious prep school where her eating disorder and perfectionism began. In her Sangha/Dharma talk, she reframes “space between stimulus and response” into space within, between, and around us, emphasizing psychological distancing—relating to thoughts and feelings rather than being inside them. Drawing from time in the ER with a close friend recovering from extensive cancer surgery, she explores interbehavioral fields, brain “syncing” research, and the idea that what holds everything is consciousness. Listen and learn:How space is not between stimulus and response but within, between, and around us.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

Dr. Diana Hill shares how retreat helps clarify where your energy is aligned or depleted, drawing on her family’s annual week at Plum Village, a Buddhist Monastery founded by Thich Nhat Hahn. When you go on retreat, you come back to yourself and things become more clear for you about how you want to use your energy, about where you're off track, where you're out of alignment. Listen to this episode to hear five lessons she learned from Plum Village that you can apply to your daily life right now.Listen and learn:Lesson One Let Yourself CryLesson Two Sometimes HappensLesson Three Missing InstrumentLesson Four Disease PurifiesLesson Five Movement Has LifeIf this episode helps, share it with someone whose energy is misaligned and drained.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

Do you get grippy, anxious, or self-critical when life doesn’t go the way you planned? In this Secret Sangha episode, I explore the paradox and dark side of control—sparked by what happened at a private dinner after my Tell the Truth Salon event with Dan Siegel. Drawing on Dan’s ABC motivational systems (agency, belonging, certainty), we unpack how control spirals show up as rumination, self-blame, people-pleasing, or criticism. I also share how one question at dinner revealed that many pivotal moments in our lives come when control is ripped away.Listen and learn:The ABC systems behind your control habits: agency, belonging, and certaintyCommon “dark side” control strategies (inner focus, outer focus, and push-pull)What’s not up to you (others’ actions, happiness, thoughts/feelings, outcomes) and what is (your actions and response)The Wise Effort method: get curious, sort what you can/can’t control, and focus your energyIf this episode helps, share it with someone who’s stuck in a control loop.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

On The Wise Effort show, Diana Hill talks with Dr. Joseph Ciarrochi, a researcher in process-based therapy and ACT, about self-righteous anger and how to stay honest and kind when others aren’t. They explore the psychology of getting “hijacked” in conflict, describing outrage and being right as an addiction (experiential attachment) distinct from experiential avoidance, with different intervention implications. Using examples like a conflict with neighbors, online outrage, and relationship fights, they discuss wise distance, not adding fuel to the fire, asserting boundaries when effective, and directing core human yearnings (competence, connection, purpose, meaning, orientation, and feeling) toward what truly satisfies rather than empty status pursuits.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

Dr. Diana Hill interviews contemplative social scientist and emotion researcher Dr. Eve Ekman, senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and co-creator (with her father Paul Ekman) of The Atlas of Emotions, a tool requested by the Dalai Lama to help people understand how emotions arise and are experienced. They discuss why “emotion regulation” can miss the larger richness of emotions, and how the Atlas emphasizes triggers, physiology, personal history, and—most importantly—our responses, which can be constructive or destructive. Ekman describes building awareness over time rather than relying on quick fixes, the costs of suppression, and the role of sangha and relationships in working with emotions. The conversation also explores grief, caregiving, Father’s Day, impermanence, and Ekman’s experience losing her 91-year-old father after dementia, including relief, tenderness, and the social nature of emotions.Listen and Learn:Emotions are more than something to regulate.Emotional awareness is built through practice.Making room for grief can deepen love and connection.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

Are you feeling disconnected from what you know is true for you—and overriding it anyway? In this live-recorded Wise Effort episode, Diana Hill explores “truth” (personal, collective, spiritual, and scientific) and how it’s often simple, close, profound, or even hard to accept. She shares ways truth emerges through rough initiations, deep listening to the body and intuition, unexpected states of consciousness, solitude, real conversation with epistemic humility, and connection to nature as a resilience factor. She closes with a “truth or dare” invitation to name a truth and take one action to live it this week.Listen and Learn:There are overlapping truths from science and spirituality, including that we’re not separate selves, the mind extends beyond the brain, attention shapes the brainAvenues to finding your truthsHow awareness is different from thoughts and feelings. Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

Do you feel stuck in worry loops that drain your energy and pull you out of the present moment? In this episode of The Wise Effort Show, Dr. Diana Hill talks with neuroscientist and psychiatrist Dr. Judson Brewer about “inside information” on the brain—especially the default mode network and how self-focused rumination and worry activate the posterior cingulate cortex. They explore new, encouraging research showing that experienced meditators don’t show the same activation during worry recall, and that even beginners can deactivate this brain region quickly using a simple mindfulness “noting” practice (labeling seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking). Diana and Jud also discuss using technology to interrupt addictive habit loops (like compulsive checking) and how moving beyond anxiety can open the door to integrity, kindness, and flourishing—grounded in the reminder that “your actions are your only belongings.”Listen and learn:Your brain has a “me network” that can drain your energy.Noticing changes your relationship to experience.The goal is not just less anxiety, but more integrity, energy, and flourishing.“My actions are my only belongings.”Suggested Next Episode:Busting Brain Myths With Dr. Judson BrewerRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon SeriesJoin us for the next Tell the Truth salon with Rosemerry Trommer.Join Dr. Diana Hill live in Santa Barbara for a Tell the Truth salon event Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The salon takes place October 1st at 5:00 live, in person and online. Get your tickets before they sell out. Tell the Truth Salon Series

Are you caught in the exhausting loop of thinking life should feel better than it does right now? In this episode, Dr. Diana Hill explores the First Noble Truth—dukkha, the ordinary “itchiness” of life—and the four great lies that keep us stuck: that things should be different, that you need to fix things to feel better, that you’ll be happy when, and that there’s no way to be happy. Diana shares a modern take on the Four Noble Truths, describing a horizontal plane of ease and dis-ease and a vertical plane of resisting versus freedom, reminding us that resisting makes suffering worse and that freedom is available here and now. Listen and learn:How dukkha shows up in everyday life (like the “itchy sweater”)The four great lies that drive grasping, avoidance, and dissatisfactionWhy resisting what is keeps you “below the line” in sufferingThe practice of telling the truth with “And this too”Listen in, and if it resonates, share this episode with someone who’s stuck in the “it should be different” story.Suggested Next Episode:You can also enjoy Diana's related Bonus Meditation: DissatisfactionRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Join The Wise Effort Community.The Wise Effort Community exists to help people keep doing the work — applying ACT and contemplative practice to a real life — long after the book is closed, the workshop is done, and the retreat is over. The thing they're buying is sustained, guided practice with me and with each other, so the insights don't evaporate. The Wise Effort Community is your guided home for ongoing Wise Effort practice — monthly live teaching with me, a weekly practice rhythm, an on-demand library, and a community of people doing the work alongside you. Also, sustaining members get “Member’s Special" early access and special pricing to Diana’s In-Person Events, including Diana’s gatherings, courses, programs, and retreats.Wise Effort Community

Diana guides a meditation on suffering and dissatisfaction, framing it as a normal part of being human and offering relief in recognizing that nothing is “wrong” with you for feeling discontent. It invites stepping into a “vertical” space that holds all experience without needing it to change. Suggested Next Episode:You can also enjoy Diana's related talk--Episode 201 Dissatisfied: The First Noble Truth and Four Great Lies that FollowRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episodeBecome a Wise Effort Community memberSign up for my newsletterOrder my book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Want to become more psychologically flexible? Take Diana's "Foundations of ACT" course.Diana's EventsSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.