From C Minuses to the White House with Scott Proposki

Some kids are not unfocused. They just have not found the thing that gives their focus somewhere to go. In this episode, I'm joined by Scott Proposki, a photographer, author, business coach, and founder of the Camera Focus Method™. Scott is a former National Geographic and White House photographer, which is the kind of sentence that makes you immediately want to know more. But what I was most interested in for this conversation was not just what Scott has done. It was how his brain got him there. Scott talks about growing up as the kid who did not do homework, who needed the deadline, who was thrilled with a C minus, and who later received an ADHD diagnosis that helped a lot of his life make more sense. And then he found the camera. For Scott, the camera became the thing that helped his attention organize itself. It gave him a focus, a direction, a way to see the world and make that seeing useful. Which is where I think this conversation becomes really relevant for parents of complicated kids. Because so many of our kids have uneven profiles. They may struggle deeply in one environment and come alive in another. They may look distracted, disorganized, or unmotivated until the right project, tool, topic, person, deadline, or vision snaps something into place. And then suddenly, there they are. Scott and I talk about creativity, ADHD, hyperfocus, business, reinvention, and what happens when the thing that made you different as a kid becomes part of the way you build a life. We also talk about the adults around kids. The ones who notice the spark. The ones who help kids imagine what could be possible. The ones who do not only say, "Do your homework," but also help paint a picture of where a child's gifts might take them. This is not a conversation about ignoring the hard parts. Kids still need support. They need skills. They need structure. They need adults who can help them function in a world that will not always organize itself around their preferred interests. But they also need adults who remember that school performance is not the whole child. Sometimes the thing that does not look impressive on a report card is the thing that later becomes a career, a calling, a business, or a life. And sometimes our job is to widen the lens long enough to help them find it. Key Takeaways A child who struggles in school may still have strong focus, creativity, drive, and vision in another setting. ADHD-style attention is not always a lack of attention. Sometimes it is attention that organizes around interest, urgency, purpose, or possibility. Hyperfocus can be a strength when it is paired with the right tool, project, or direction. For Scott, the camera became the thing that helped his focus, creativity, and sense of purpose come together. Some kids need help finding the medium, environment, or "magic wand" that allows their strengths to show up. A later-in-life ADHD diagnosis can help adults make sense of patterns they have lived with for years. School performance matters, but it is not the whole story of who a child is or what they may become. Creative and neurodivergent kids may need structure, deadlines, and support that match how their brains actually work. Parents can help by noticing sparks, naming strengths, and painting a picture of what could be possible. A complicated path can still become a meaningful, successful, and deeply creative life. About Scott Proposki Scott Proposki is a photographer, author, business coach, and founder of the Camera Focus Method™. A former National Geographic and White House photographer, he has spent 27 years documenting stories for global brands and high-profile clients. He is the author of four books, including Camera Focus. Scott is dedicated to helping creative entrepreneurs build resilient, sustainable businesses rooted in clarity and purpose. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured 👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story ➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/ 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/ Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I'd love to hear what would support your family. Thank you for being here.

You can understand why your child is struggling and still be completely triggered by it. In this episode, I'm joined by Jacqi Trombley, a licensed clinical social worker, trauma specialist, and Level 2 trained IFS therapist, for a conversation about Internal Family Systems. Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that helps us understand the different parts inside us. Not in a "there is something wrong with you" way. More in a "of course you have more than one reaction happening at the same time" way. There may be a part of you that understands why your child is struggling. There may also be a part of you that is scared, embarrassed, angry, overwhelmed, or thinking, "Absolutely not. This cannot be what we are doing right now." That is where this conversation gets so useful for parents. Jacqi walks us through some of the parts language in IFS, including managers, exiles, and firefighters. We talk about why the goal is not to get rid of the anxious part, the angry part, the critical part, or the part that wants everyone to stop making noise immediately. The goal is to understand what those parts are trying to protect. Because so many parents can understand, intellectually, why their child is having a hard time and still feel completely activated by what is happening. We can know our child is neurodivergent, anxious, sensory overloaded, exhausted, or developmentally not where other kids are, and still have something inside us light up. That does not mean we are failing. It means something in us may need attention too. Jacqui and I talk about what happens when a child's dysregulation activates a parent's dysregulation. A child comes home tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or upset, and instead of saying, "I had a hard day and I need help," they poke their sibling, throw something, get loud, refuse the thing, or push every available button. And then, of course, something in us responds. IFS gives us another way to understand that moment. It helps us notice what might be happening inside the child and inside ourselves before everything becomes one big reaction. It gives us language for the part that wants to yell, the part that wants to disappear, the part that wants to fix everything, and the part that is quietly scared underneath it all. We also talk about trauma, inner child work, neurodivergence, and the power of witnessing the parts of ourselves that did not get what they needed at the time. And yes, IFS can sound a little hokey from the outside. Also, it can be deeply moving. This conversation is not about becoming a perfectly calm parent who never gets triggered. Please. We live here on Earth. It is about having another way to understand what is happening when your child's struggle touches something tender, scared, angry, or overwhelmed inside you. And sometimes that little bit of space is where things can begin to change. Key Takeaways Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that helps us understand the different parts inside us. Parts are not treated as bad in IFS. They are usually trying to protect something. A parent can understand why their child is struggling and still feel completely triggered by what is happening. Managers are the parts that try to keep things under control, prevent pain, and help us avoid rejection, shame, or failure. Exiles are often younger parts carrying pain, fear, shame, grief, or unmet needs. Firefighters are reactive parts that jump in quickly when something feels too overwhelming to tolerate. Trying to banish a part usually does not work because that part believes it has an important job. A child's dysregulation can quickly activate a parent's protective parts too. Neurodivergent kids may have repeated experiences of being misunderstood, misread, corrected, or left without help processing what happened. Parts work can help parents create enough space to notice what is happening inside themselves before responding from the most activated place. About Jacqi Trombley Jacqi Trombley is a licensed clinical social worker with more than 15 years of experience. She was trained as a trauma specialist by the Ferentz Institute in Baltimore and is a Level 2 trained IFS therapist. Her clinical background includes trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, neurodiversity-affirming psychotherapy, and work across multiple settings including treatment foster care, homeless shelters, outpatient mental health clinics, and private practice. Jacqi has also administered psychosocial assessments for the Office of the Public Defender, led wellness groups for human service providers, hosted mental health seminars for private companies, and taught at the University of Maryland School of Social Work on oppression, privilege, cultural humility, and anti-oppression practice. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links: 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured 👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story ➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/ 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/ Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here.

Screens are not going anywhere, which means our kids need more than rules. They need guidance. I'll be honest. This is one of those topics where people tend to have feelings. Big ones. And fair enough. Screens can be a mess. They can also be useful, regulating, connecting, necessary, and sometimes genuinely helpful, especially for neurodivergent kids. So I was glad to have this conversation with Leslie Tyler from Pinwheel because we got to stay in the nuance. Leslie is Head of Parent Education at Pinwheel, a company that makes devices designed for kids and managed by parents. We name that right away in the episode because yes, Pinwheel sells devices. And also, this conversation is not really about one product. It is about the questions parents need to ask before a device shows up in the house. What is this device for? Is it about safety? Transportation? After-school coordination? Social connection? Learning support? Independence? Because those are not all the same thing, and they do not require the same plan. We also talk about why there is no magic age when a child is suddenly "ready" for a phone. That answer is probably less satisfying than any of us would like. It would be very convenient if someone could just tell us the exact right age and then we could all feel like excellent parents. But that is not how this works. Instead, Leslie encourages parents to think about the child in front of them, the purpose of the device, and the kind of support that child will need to use technology well. We talk about phones, watches, apps, games, image texting, parental controls, bedtime charging stations, school phone rules, notifications, and why starting small is usually easier than trying to walk things back later. One of the biggest themes in this episode is that parental controls are useful, but they are not the whole strategy. Kids need guardrails, yes. They also need conversation, modeling, practice, and adults who are willing to stay involved without pretending they can control everything. Because technology is here. Our kids are going to use it. So the work is not just keeping screens away forever. The work is helping kids build judgment, awareness, and a healthier relationship with the devices that are already part of the world they live in. Key Takeaways Screens are not automatically good or bad. The question is how, when, why, and for whom they are being used. There is no one right age when every child is suddenly ready for a phone. The better starting question is what your child actually needs the device to do. Wanting a phone because friends have one is different from needing a device for safety, transportation, communication, or independence. Starting with limited access is usually easier than trying to take access away later. Watches, phones, and tablets all come with different benefits, limitations, and risks. The device should fit the child's needs, not just the family's convenience or the social pressure around them. Apps, games, image texting, notifications, and bedroom access all deserve real thought before the device arrives. Parental controls are helpful tools, but they are not a complete parenting strategy. The long-term goal is to help kids build judgment, awareness, and the ability to stay in the driver's seat of their technology. About Leslie Tyler Leslie Tyler is Head of Parent Education at Pinwheel, a company that creates devices designed for kids and managed by parents. Through her work, Leslie helps families think more intentionally about children, technology, independence, and digital safety. She supports parents in introducing devices gradually, having ongoing conversations, and helping kids use technology in ways that are constructive, age-appropriate, and connected to real-life responsibility. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: Instagram ➡️ Facebook: Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn 🌺 Free Orchid Kid Checklist: Download Here Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here.

Brain mapping is not about making a complicated brain average. It is about understanding what the brain is doing. In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Andrew Hill, a cognitive neuroscientist, brain mapping expert, founder of Peak Brain Institute, and author of Gifted & Tortured. And yes, we go right into the brain. Andrew talks about brain mapping, quantitative EEG, neurofeedback, and how certain patterns of brain activity can help us think differently about what we see on the outside: attention, anxiety, sleep, sensory processing, executive function, threat sensitivity, intensity, hyperfocus, and dysregulation. You know. The usual light parenting topics. One of the things I wanted to say out loud in this conversation is that behavior has an internal neurological reality. When a child is distracted, avoidant, anxious, explosive, intense, stuck, shut down, or unable to shift gears, there may be something happening underneath that behavior that deserves our attention. Not because behavior does not matter. Because behavior is not the whole explanation. Andrew explains that brain mapping is not the same thing as a diagnosis. It does not hand you a perfect label or a neat little answer wrapped in a bow. Instead, it can show patterns of activity and help people understand how certain brain resources may be working. That can be powerful. Because when a child or adult can see, "Oh, this is how my brain works," the conversation can shift. It is no longer only, "What is wrong with me?" It becomes, "What does my brain need?" We also talk about the title of Andrew's book, Gifted & Tortured, and why that phrase makes so much sense for complicated kids. The same brain resources that create struggle in one setting can be connected to real strengths somewhere else. The kid who cannot sit still in history class may be the kid who can hyperfocus, move fast, think creatively, notice patterns, or perform beautifully in a high-intensity context. That does not make the hard parts less hard. It does mean we should be careful about treating the brain like it is only a problem. Andrew also walks us into neurofeedback, which he describes as a way of helping the brain practice regulation. Not magic. Not a personality transplant. Not a plan to erase everything interesting about a person. More like giving the brain feedback so it can build more flexibility and range. And yes, there is a cat-on-a-windowsill metaphor that somehow explains sensory motor rhythm and ADHD. I loved this conversation because it gives us another way to think about complicated kids. Not as diagnoses to flatten. Not as behaviors to manage from the outside only. Not as children who need to be made average. But as people with brains that are doing something. And if we can understand even a little more about what that something is, we have a better chance of helping. Key Takeaways Brain mapping can show patterns of brain activity, but it is not the same thing as a diagnosis. Behavior may be the visible part of a deeper regulation pattern. ADHD, anxiety, sleep struggles, sensory processing, and executive function can all be understood through a brain-based lens. What looks like avoidance, distraction, intensity, or dysregulation is not always a choice or a character issue. A child's challenges and strengths may come from the same brain resources. The goal is not to make a complicated brain average. Understanding how the brain works can reduce shame and give kids and adults more agency. Some regulatory systems, including sleep, stress response, attention, and sensory processing, may be more flexible than we assume. Neurofeedback is about helping the brain practice regulation, not changing who a person is. When we understand more about what is happening underneath behavior, we can respond with more curiosity, more precision, and less panic. About Andrew Hill Dr. Andrew Hill is a UCLA-trained neuroscientist and author of Gifted & Tortured, a book exploring the strengths and struggles of high-performing, neurodivergent minds. With more than 25 years of experience in neurofeedback and brain mapping, he helps people understand and regulate their unique cognitive wiring. He is the founder of Peak Brain Institute and works with people to better understand their brains through quantitative EEG, neurofeedback, and biofeedback. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: Instagram ➡️ Facebook: Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

You do not have to be afraid of big emotions, but you do need a way to meet them. In this episode, I talk with Elizabeth Sautter about what actually helps in those moments when a child's feelings get big. Elizabeth walks us through her ABCs of big emotions framework: first assess and get curious, then balance the brain, and then move toward connection and collaboration. We talk about why behavior is data, why the first move is not fixing or teaching, and why the adult's ability to pause matters so much. She also reminds us that self-care is not selfish, it is essential, because we cannot lend regulation to a child when our own system is already flooded. We also get into what this looks like in real life. Elizabeth explains why telling a dysregulated child to take a deep breath often backfires, why "listen and validate" has to come before problem-solving, and why connection in the moment is different from collaboration later. There is such a helpful reframe here around emotions taking the time they take. The goal is not to rush them out of the body. The goal is to help a child feel safe enough to move through them and then build more skills outside the crisis moment. Key Takeaways Big emotions are data. They are not something to fear or immediately shut down. They are a stress response and a form of communication. The first step is assessment, not control. Elizabeth's "A" is about assessing the moment, pausing, and getting curious about what is really happening underneath the behavior. Self-care is part of co-regulation. If the adult nervous system is already overwhelmed, it is much harder to respond with steadiness. Balance the brain before you try to teach. The "B" is about helping the adult and child nervous systems settle enough that thinking becomes possible again. One breath for me, one breath for you. Elizabeth offers this as a simple way for adults to ground themselves and orient toward supporting the child without demanding the child self-regulate first. Do not ask a dysregulated child to perform calm. If a child is already flooded, telling them to breathe or answer questions may just add more pressure. Connection comes before collaboration. In the moment, the work is to listen and validate. The learning, problem-solving, and collaboration happen later, when the child is back in a learning state. Validation does not require fixing. Sometimes what helps most is being present, using a slow and low voice, and letting the child know their feelings are not too much for the relationship. Emotions are not supposed to move on our timetable. Kids are born with all the feelings and not all the skills, so part of the work is tolerating that emotions take time. Skill building mostly happens outside the crisis. The longer-term work is proactive sensory support, movement, regulation tools, and practicing what to do before the next hard moment arrives. About Elizabeth Sautter Elizabeth Sautter, MA, CCC-SLP, is a speech-language pathologist, author, trainer, and social-emotional learning coach with more than 25 years of experience supporting neurodivergent individuals and their families. She is the author of Make Social and Emotional Learning Stick, co-founder of The Connected Family Community, and a collaborator with The Zones of Regulation® and Everyday Regulation. As a neurodivergent adult and parent of two neurodivergent boys, Elizabeth combines professional expertise with lived experience to offer practical, neurodiversity-affirming strategies that support emotional regulation, executive functioning, and communication through everyday routines. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here 💛

If a child is struggling to learn to read, waiting rarely makes that easier. In this episode, I talk with Faye Bankler Casell about what parents need to know when early reading is not coming together the way it should. Faye explains why reading instruction in schools can feel like a lottery system, why so many children are still being missed until third or fourth grade, and why first grade is such an important window for intervention. We talk about the science of reading, early identification, and the very real difference between a child who is guessing well and a child who is actually decoding. We also get into what parents can actually do. Faye walks through the foundational sound-level skills that matter most, what to watch for in preschool and kindergarten, and why waiting for a child to fail before acting can come at such a high cost academically and emotionally. One of the things I really love about this conversation is how practical and hopeful it is. Parents do not need to become reading specialists overnight, but they can learn what to look for, what questions to ask, and how to start supporting a child sooner rather than later. Key Takeaways Early intervention matters enormously. If a child is not learning to read easily, first grade is a powerful time to intervene. Waiting until fourth grade makes intervention longer and much harder. A child can show risk signs before they are formally reading. Faye explains that dyslexia risk can often be identified by around age five and a half because the issue is rooted in language processing, not just school reading performance. Reading struggles often start at the sound level. Parents want to look closely at phonological awareness, letter-sound connections, rhyming, sound deletion, and sound substitution. Some bright kids compensate for a long time. A child may memorize words, guess from pictures, or use the first letter as a clue, which can make it look like reading is fine until the demands get heavier. Third grade is often when the mask slips. That is when memorization stops being enough and multisyllabic academic language starts to expose the underlying gaps. Structured literacy helps all kids and is essential for some. Faye frames this approach as beneficial for everyone and absolutely necessary for children whose brains are not going to intuit reading patterns on their own. Speech and language history matters. If a child has had speech delays or ongoing language-processing concerns, that is a reason to stay especially alert around reading development. Parents do not have to wait passively. Even while seeking testing, services, or better school support, there are meaningful ways families can start helping at home. Correct answers do not always mean mastery. A child can get a word or pattern right through guessing or partial knowledge, which is why adult observation still matters so much. This is not about a broken child. It is about teaching in a way that matches how the child learns. The burden belongs with the adults and the system, not with the child. About Faye Bankler Casell Faye Bankler Casell received her MA in Early Childhood Education and Special Education from Teachers College Columbia. After teaching in public and private programs across the US, she redesigned an early childhood inclusion program that received recognition from the US Department of Education, NPR, and a national organization. Inspired by the need to launch the reading of her twice exceptional child, Faye became a Certified Academic Language Therapist and Dyslexia Therapist. She now supports parents in the early reading development of their dyslexic children through Home Reading Coach, her social platforms, and her YouTube channel, "Teach My Child to Read." She also works privately with clients and is launching a parent-led, therapist-coached dyslexia program for families supporting reading at home. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn Profile 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here 💛

When a teen is in crisis, the behavior is not the whole message. In this conversation, I talk with Katie May about what she calls "fire feelers," kids and teens who are biologically sensitive, highly reactive, and slow to return to baseline once emotions get big. Katie explains how these kids often grow up hearing some version of "you're fine" when they are very much not fine, and how that repeated mismatch can teach them to distrust their own internal experience. We talk about why self-destructive behavior is often an attempt to make overwhelming emotion stop, and why behavior has to be understood as communication before it can really change. We also get into one of the most important parts of the episode for me: what happens to parents when things escalate. Katie talks about the shame and blame cycle, the grief that sits underneath so much of that, and why parents need their own support if they are going to stay steady in the middle of a crisis. We unpack the revolving door of hospitalization, what keeps families stuck there, and why healing is not about making all the stress disappear. It is about learning how to live inside a life that is hard and still build something meaningful, connected, and hopeful. Key Takeaways Some kids are biologically more sensitive. They feel emotions intensely, react quickly, and take longer to calm back down. Katie calls these kids "fire feelers." Repeated dismissal teaches kids to doubt themselves. When a child keeps hearing "you're fine" while feeling overwhelmed, they may start to believe their own internal signals are wrong. Self-destructive behavior is often a solution, not just a problem. It may be an impulsive attempt to make unbearable emotion go away fast. Behavior is communication. If the outside looks chaotic, there is usually something painful and dysregulated happening on the inside. Validation is not approval. It is a way of saying, "I see how hard this is for you," without reinforcing harmful behavior. Parents do not need a perfect script. Sometimes the right response is words, and sometimes it is simply staying present without minimizing what the teen is feeling. Beneath blame and shame, there is often grief. Parents are grieving the gap between the life they imagined and the life they are actually living. You cannot just remove a coping strategy without building something else. If a behavior is serving a survival function, there has to be a different way for that person to get through the day. The hospitalization cycle can become its own trap. Parents and clinicians feel temporary relief, but the teen often comes back to the same triggers without enough targeted support. Parents need real support too. This is heavy, isolating work, and families need spaces where they can talk honestly without being judged or panicked at. About Katie May Katie K. May is a licensed therapist, author, speaker, and group practice owner. She founded Creative Healing, a multi-location teen support center in the Philadelphia area, and wrote the #1 Amazon best-seller You're On Fire, It's Fine. With lived experience as a teen who turned to self-harm, Katie is one of only 11 Linehan Board Certified DBT Clinicians in Pennsylvania, the gold standard treatment for self-harm and suicidal behaviors. She equips parents and clinicians with practical, trauma-informed tools to decode behavior as survival and create lasting change. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 Website: www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube Channel 👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet 🌺 Free Orchid Kid Checklist: Download Here Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

The shoes, backpacks, grades, and meltdowns are not the whole story. They never were. This one gave me a reason to pause and reflect. I originally thought I would do something special for episode 150, and then life happened. So here we are at episode 155, and honestly, the double fives feel like a good enough reason to pause and look back. There is no guest today. It's just me reflecting on what I hope has been underneath this podcast all along. One of the biggest threads is this: children are whole humans. They are not projects. They are not here to perform perfectly so we can feel like good parents. They are their own people, growing and developing in the way they are meant to grow and develop. That is true for children who will eventually move into adulthood with more independence, and it is also true for children who may need support throughout their lives. If that is part of your family's story, I mention my conversation with Maedi Tanham Carney from Episode 106 about future planning and support for children who may need lifelong care: https://youtu.be/UjN7mLZKjuc I also talk about how easy it is to lose the long view of parenting when we are deep in the everyday stuff: shoes, backpacks, homework, grades, getting to school on time, getting through the day. Those things can feel huge in the moment, and I get that. But they are not the whole point. The point is raising a human. That long view also shows up in my conversation with Martha Adler from Episode 3 about death, grief, and helping children navigate loss: https://youtu.be/ycjCg9KB_zE Another thread I come back to again and again is the difference between influence and control. We have influence over our children. We can guide, support, teach, model, and repair. But we do not control who they become or exactly how their lives unfold. I know. Rude. But also true. If that idea feels like something you need more of, I mention my conversation with Ben Pugh from Episode 33 on influence versus control: https://youtu.be/LM0KJS-NKNs I also talk about the thoughts we have about our children and how much those thoughts shape our experience of parenting. When we believe our kids "should" be different, easier, faster, more motivated, more regulated, or more like the child we imagined, we usually end up suffering right alongside them. That is where the idea that circumstances are neutral comes in. I reference my conversation with Penny Williams from Episode 85 on that exact topic: https://youtu.be/y2ecqVV08lg And of course, we get to behavior. Because we always get to behavior. Behavior is a signal. It is not the root. When something looks disorderly on the outside, something often feels disorderly on the inside too. That does not mean anything goes. It means we need to stay curious about what the behavior is communicating before we decide we understand the whole story. For more on that, I mention my conversation with Debra Brause from Episode 129: https://youtu.be/--rKzaCQZ5M Mostly, this episode is a thank you and a reminder. Thank you for listening, for sharing episodes, for telling me what lands, and for being part of this community. And here is the reminder: The child in front of you is not a problem to solve. The hard day you are having today will not happen again exactly this way. And the work is not getting every backpack hung up correctly. The work is raising a human. Key Takeaways Children are whole humans, not projects. Parenting is bigger than the daily checklist. The long view matters. Influence is not the same as control. Thoughts shape the parenting experience. Behavior is communication. Curiosity creates compassion. Hard days are temporary. Parents need support too. The child in front of us matters more than the child we imagined. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources & Links 🌎 Website: www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured 👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story ➡️ Instagram: http://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: http://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/ 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/ Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show — and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

If your child is escalating and you are escalating too, that is not a discipline problem. It is a nervous system moment. In this conversation, I talk with Eva Crawford, LCSW-C, about what somatic work actually means and why it matters so much for parents of neurodivergent kids. Eva explains how many of us are not noticing what is happening in our own bodies until we are already fully triggered, and how that makes it much harder to respond the way we want to. We talk about interoception, trauma responses, shame, and the ways parents can start building awareness before they hit the point of yelling, shutting down, or spiraling. We also get into one of my favorite parts of the conversation: Eva's smoke alarm analogy. She explains that some kids have incredibly sensitive nervous systems, so what looks like a huge overreaction may actually be a smoke alarm going off over crispy toast. The problem is that when the child's alarm sets off the parent's alarm too, nobody is helping the house feel safer. We talk about what repair really looks like, why your child cannot borrow calm from a dysregulated parent, and why you do not have to be perfectly healed to be a good parent. You just have to stay curious enough to keep learning. Key Takeaways Somatic work starts with noticing the body sooner. Instead of waiting until you are in full panic, rage, or shutdown, somatic work helps you notice the earlier signs like tight shoulders, jaw tension, jitteriness, heat, or shallow breathing. Many parents are not reacting the way they want to because they are already escalated. That does not automatically mean they lack parenting knowledge. Often it means their nervous system is taking over before they can access the response they would prefer. Your child's distress can trigger your own unfinished material. If your reaction feels bigger than the moment calls for, that is often a clue that something older or deeper is being activated in you. Kids cannot borrow calm from a dysregulated parent. If you want to help a child regulate, you usually have to bring your own system down first, even if only by one notch. The goal is not to lecture the smoke alarm. When a child is in a full nervous system response, logic is not going to land. Safety, co-regulation, and lowered threat come first. Repair matters more than perfection. The rupture itself is not always what causes the most damage. What matters most is whether you come back, take responsibility, and reconnect. A real apology is about your behavior, not the child's feelings. You are not apologizing for their upset. You are apologizing for how you showed up when you were overwhelmed. Shame shuts down growth. Curiosity opens it back up. If you feel ashamed after a parenting moment, that can be a signal that there is something important to understand, not proof that you are failing. Parents need in-the-moment tools and long-term healing. A 30-second reset can help during a meltdown, but lasting change also comes from capacity building, self-compassion, therapy, coaching, and addressing old patterns. You do not have to be fully healed to be a good parent. You do need humility, awareness, and a willingness to keep making adjustments. About Eva Crawford Eva Crawford, LCSW-C, is a licensed clinical social worker and board-certified supervisor with more than a decade of experience providing holistic, trauma-informed care. Her work integrates somatic, narrative, DBT, and ACT approaches with a neurodiversity-affirming lens to support individuals and families navigating complex trauma, burnout, and major life transitions. Eva is known for creating a grounded, compassionate therapeutic space that emphasizes safety, sense of self, and meaningful change. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 Website: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured 👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story ➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/ 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/ Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

You cannot teach executive function by controlling a child harder. Executive function is not just about planners, homework, and getting organized. It is about self-awareness, self-regulation, and being able to take the next step toward a goal, even when something feels hard. In this episode, I talk with Sean McCormick, founder of Executive Function Specialists, about what actually helps kids build executive function skills. We unpack why avoidance is often a sign that something feels too hard, why motivation works better when it connects to a child's own goals, and why adults need to stop trying to control kids and start getting more curious about what is getting in the way. Sean shares practical ways to break big goals into doable steps, explains why support should be done with kids instead of for them, and makes a strong case for modeling executive function in our own lives too. Key Takeaways Executive function is bigger than school skills. It includes planning, organization, self-awareness, time awareness, inhibition, emotional regulation, and the ability to evaluate priorities and move toward a future goal. Emotional regulation is part of executive function. Kids cannot plan, prioritize, or get started well when they are overwhelmed and not aware of what they are feeling. Avoidance usually tells us something important. When a child keeps avoiding homework or a task, it often means the task feels too hard, too big, too unclear, or too emotionally loaded. Real growth happens at the point of performance. Executive function skills are built in the moment a child is facing the actual challenge, not only through lessons about skills in the abstract. Kids need the next right step, not the whole staircase. A big goal becomes more manageable when adults help break it down into a challenge that feels just doable enough. Motivation works better when it belongs to the child. Kids are more likely to engage when they can connect daily tasks to something they want for themselves, not just something adults want from them. Adults have to notice the nonverbal signs. Body language, shutdown, avoidance, and tone often tell us more than a child's words about when something feels too hard. Support works best when it is done with a child, not for them. Co-regulating, helping them get started, and gradually releasing responsibility builds skill without taking away agency. Failure is not the end of the process. Failure gives feedback. Natural consequences can help kids learn, especially when an adult helps them reflect and recover instead of shaming them. Adults need to model executive function too. Kids learn from how we manage our own energy, limits, priorities, and stress. Burned-out adults cannot effectively teach sustainable regulation. About Sean McCormick Sean McCormick is a former public school special education teacher and the founder of Executive Function Specialists, an online coaching company that supports students with ADHD and autism in building executive function skills. He also founded the Executive Function Coaching Academy to train educators and professionals in executive function coaching, and co-founded UpSkill Specialists to support neurodivergent adults. Sean is passionate about helping students and families understand the practical skills that make everyday life more manageable and meaningful. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources & Links 🌎 Website: www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube Channel 👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: Gabriele Nicolet on LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download the Checklist Enjoying the Show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show — and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛