Complicated Kids podcast

Trust Yourself with Allyn Miller

0:00
28:21
Spola tillbaka 15 sekunder
Spola framåt 15 sekunder

You cannot teach your child to trust you while constantly second-guessing yourself.

There is no shortage of parenting information out there. Books, podcasts, influencers, experts, schools, research, and your neighbor's cousin all have thoughts about what you should be doing with your child.

And sometimes all that information makes parenting harder.

In this episode, I talk with fellow parent coach Allyn Miller about something underneath all those strategies: self-trust. Allyn's premise is simple and also slightly inconvenient. We cannot ask our children to trust us if we do not trust ourselves.

That does not mean ignoring good information, deciding experts know nothing, or confidently making every parenting decision while birds sing around you.

It means getting clearer about what actually matters to you, your child, and your family.

Allyn suggests paying particular attention to the word "should." When you hear yourself thinking, "My child should be doing this," or, "I should be parenting this way," ask: Who says?

Sometimes there is a perfectly good answer. School has requirements. Families live inside communities and systems. There may be real consequences to stepping outside a particular norm. But sometimes we discover that the mysterious "they" telling us what we should do does not actually exist.

We also talk about what this looks like when you have to advocate for your child. It is one thing to know what your kid needs at home. It is another thing entirely to walk into a school meeting, talk to someone you perceive as an authority, and say, "This is not working."

Allyn encourages parents to get curious about what they are bringing into those conversations. Your own experiences with school, authority, failure, approval, and conflict are coming into the room with you, whether you invited them or not.

Which brings us to the voices in our heads.

Allyn makes a distinction I love: there is a difference between an internal voice and an external action.

You can see five granola bar wrappers sitting next to your kid and have a very judgmental thought. The thought happened. Fine. Your brain is allowed to be dramatic.

But there is still a space between that thought and what comes out of your mouth.

That tiny bit of space is where we get to choose.

And if "just pause" feels completely impossible when your brain is moving like a freight train, Allyn has a wonderfully concrete suggestion: move your body. Literally walk in a circle. Change your physical position, come back to your adult self, and see whether you can return to the interaction differently.

We also talk about how our own younger parts show up in parenting. Sometimes there are not just two people in the interaction. There is you, your child, and the seven-year-old version of you who just got activated and would also like someone to meet her needs immediately, thank you very much.

None of this is about becoming a perfectly regulated parent who never has an ugly thought.

It is about noticing what is happening, reconnecting with what matters, and giving yourself a little more choice about what happens next.

Because trusting yourself does not mean always knowing the answer.

It means knowing you can come back to yourself and figure out your next move.

Key Takeaways

  • Parenting advice can be useful, but too much outside information can make it harder to hear your own judgment about what your particular child and family need.
  • Self-trust starts with getting clear about what actually matters to you rather than automatically following every parenting rule, trend, or expectation you encounter.
  • When you notice yourself thinking that you or your child "should" be doing something, ask who is setting that expectation and whether it actually fits your family.
  • Not every conventional expectation should be thrown out. Parents can consider the real risks, resources, and consequences involved before deciding whether to follow a norm or choose a different path.
  • Advocating for your child is easier when you understand what you are bringing into the conversation, including your own past experiences with school, authority, conflict, or being judged.
  • Vulnerability can create room for collaboration. A parent does not need to walk into a school conversation with every answer in order to clearly say what they are seeing and ask what might be possible.
  • The thoughts running through your head are not the same as the actions you take. An angry, judgmental, or fearful internal voice does not have to determine what comes out of your mouth.
  • Old family patterns and younger parts of ourselves can get activated during difficult parenting moments, which is why the reaction can sometimes feel much bigger than what is happening right now.
  • When mentally "pausing" feels impossible, changing your physical position or moving your body can create enough interruption to help you step out of an automatic reaction.
  • Building self-trust is not about becoming a parent who always knows exactly what to do. It is about noticing what is happening, remembering what matters, and choosing how you want to respond.

About Allyn Miller

Allyn Miller is a former teacher, parent coach, and founder of Child Connection. She helps parents build healthier, more connected relationships with their children by focusing on the everyday interactions that shape trust, communication, and family dynamics.

Her work helps parents move away from rigid parenting "shoulds" and toward a more intentional approach grounded in self-trust, connection, and clarity about what matters most to their family. Allyn is especially passionate about protecting children's dignity, helping parents break unhelpful patterns, and creating relationships that support both the child and the parent.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links:

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured
👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story
📝 Read my latest blog posts: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/blog
🎤 Explore my upcoming live workshops: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/live-workshops
🎥 Explore my on-demand workshops: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/workshop-replays
➡️ Instagram: http://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook: http://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/

Enjoying the show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here. 💛

Fler avsnitt från "Complicated Kids"