95. The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent

There are many more episodes to come! To find ALL episodes of the Reconnection Club Podcast, go to Reconnectionclub.com/podcast.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child. In the 3rd and final episode of this series, you'll find out why it's important to go through the steps in order, and not to enter Step 3 prematurely. By the time you get to this last step, you should already have completed 90% of the work of reconnection -- even without your adult child's participation. Tina cautions that many rejected parents go through the steps backwards, expending energy in fruitless efforts for which they haven't yet built a foundation. You'll also hear about three different traps that parents can fall into, in trying to repair an estrangement. Once you've spent constructive time in Steps 1 and 2, you'll be prepared for Step 3, which should be the easiest of the three, if approached in order.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child. In the first episode, Tina explains why it's important to slow down and avoid acting impulsively, from a place of desperation. This foundational episode provides a rationale for Step 1, and then lists specific tasks appropriate for this first phase of responding to your adult child's estrangement. You'll learn why it's necessary to pay attention to your nervous system, and how best to avoid unnecessary suffering. (According to Buddhism, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.) Reconnection Club members can find an annotated guide to the Road Map, with links to Tina's favorite resources, inside the Reconnection Club.  

This week’s episode begins with an assertion that neither pain nor compassion is a zero-sum commodity. Estranged adult child are in some ways wounded by the relationship they share with their parents. Most people in this position are in pain over the necessity of estrangement. Acknowledging that fact, we can still find compassion for the rejected parent who finds himself left behind. It’s usually the case that he did the best he knew how to do, and didn’t mean to hurt his child(ren). Estrangement involves pain on both sides. Tina talks about three separate types of parental pain, which she suggests exist at deeper and deeper levels in the parent. If you’re hurting over the relationship with your adult child or children, this episode is a must-listen.

The parent-child relationship is not like any other. In so many ways, your role has always been a more demanding one than your child’s. If you were lucky, you had no responsibility for your parents when you were growing up; they took care of you, and not the other way around. Parents care for their children, and children are cared for by parents. There's something inherently asymmetrical about the relationship. That dynamic gets etched into both of your psyches as your child grows to maturity. And even though she’s now an adult, she’s never going to be exactly like your peers. Tina describes the ways and means that parents shoulder the burden of steering relationships with their children. It’s clear that although parents and children are not exactly peers, even in adulthood, parents trade the responsibilities of parenting for the honor of being irreplaceable. Most of us have just one of each parent. Never believe you’re interchangeable with anyone else in your adult child’s life.

Once you start learning, growing and healing through estrangement from an adult child, you might feel like sharing new insights with your child. Why wouldn’t s/he be interested in hearing what you’ve learned? And how exciting, to have new knowledge that can create a positive impact in your relationship. That’s why many parents ask, “How do I let my estranged adult child know I’ve changed, if we’re not currently in contact?” Tina’s answer is, “Don’t be in a hurry to do that.” Find out why you might want to wait on writing them a note about the work you've been doing, and what to do instead. For practical tips on how to repair an estranged relationship with your adult child(ren), see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Weekly episodes will continue through May 31st, but after that, the next new episode will come out the first Monday in September. Tina is available over the summer (or winter if you're in the Southern Hemisphere) for private consultation. Also, the Reconnection Club is open to all parents who've listened to the podcast and read Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. The Club offers even more resources created by Tina, along with a friendly community of parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children. For information about private consultation with Tina, go to tinagilbertson.com/consultation. To learn more about the Reconnection Club, go to reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

It’s not uncommon for parents rejected by adult children to feel humiliated by the experience of estrangement. And humiliation is a terrible feeling for anyone. So when you’re faced with the idea of approaching your estranged adult child(ren) with humility, you might think, ‘Why on earth would I sign up for that?’ And also, ‘I’ve still got my pride,’ and perhaps also, ‘I’m not giving up my dignity along with my child(ren).’ But humility is not the same as feeling humiliated. Humility empowers, rather than disempowering, those who adopt it as an attitude. In this thought-provoking episode, Tina breaks down the differences and offers a clear illustration of the power of humility. Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child.

Parents of estranged adult children often get no response to messages they send. With every lack of response, parents become more and more discouraged. They take their child’s silence as continued rejection, and they start to feel powerless. While it’s true that adult children often don’t respond if they don’t like the message, there are other reasons why they might not reply, even if the messages lands well. In this inspiring episode, Tina suggests that getting a response shouldn’t be considered the only measure of success. As long as they know their messages are helping to restore the relationship, parents can feel good about what they send. If you’re thinking of offering an apology, or if you’ve sent apologies in the past without apparent effect, make sure you know the elements of an effective apology. (Go to https://reconnectionclub.com/87 for a link to Lesson 1 of the Reconnection Club apology course.) That’s just one example of how parents can educate themselves to become confident in what they’re sending to their estranged adult children. Make sure everything you send during an estrangement is both heartfelt and on target.

If you’ve been in the Reconnection Club environment long enough, you’re probably on board with the idea of taking your estranged adult child’s point of view. You want to be supportive, to validate his thoughts and feelings, while you work on repairing the relationship. But how do you do that in the face of poor behavior, without feeling like a doormat? In this week’s show, Tina looks at 3 scenarios where parents are vulnerable to feeling like doormats: - Your adult child only contacts you when she needs something, then disappears again. - Your child uses foul language when he speaks to you, but you don’t want to complain and risk losing contact. - You send invitations and wait for responses that never come, so you never know whether to set another place at the table. With these examples in mind, learn how to strike a balance between being supportive and being walked on.