200. Validation and You, The Estranged Parent

In this final episode of a series on validation (see links below), Reconnection Club Podcast host Tina Gilbertson brings clarity and compassion to one of the most emotionally charged applications of this skill: validating estranged adult children. Earlier episodes explored what a lack of validation looks like, offered a two-step validation technique (be sure to review Ep. 199 before listening to this one), and suggested reasons to practice validating yourself before trying it with others. This episode features tips for applying validation in the sensitive context of a trouble relationship. To round out this episode and the validation series, you’ll hear thoughtful answers to three frequently asked questions, including whether it’s okay to bring out negative feelings while validating, and how to regularly express empathy with small children without making them self-centered. Offering both helpful guidance and hope, this series of episodes (198-201) will be treasured by anyone wanting to connect or reconnect with their adult child(ren) in a way that feels authentic, respectful, and emotionally intelligent. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Part 1. Validation (Or Lack Thereof) (Ep 198) Part 2. Validation: What, Why, How and When (Ep 199) Part 3. Validation and You, The Estranged Parent (Ep 200) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 193: The Truth of the Matter Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 37: Reconciliation -- The 4 Stages of Competence Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them About Social Learning Theory RC Validation Resources page (members only) Want to support the podcast? Become a Reconnection Club member and get access to educational content and online events hosted by Tina, as well as our members-only forums. Monthly and annual memberships are available. Learn more. FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM

In this thought-provoking third episode of a 4-part series on validation, Tina Gilbertson takes listeners deeper into the heart of the topic. She makes a compelling case for why self-validation isn’t just helpful, it’s essential. Without it, our attempts to validate others, especially estranged adult children, can fall flat or even backfire. Tina shares a powerful (and somewhat unsettling) example that highlights just how tricky it can be to validate someone’s emotions when you’re the one they’re upset with. What do you do when you don’t agree with their version of you? How do you stay grounded in your own truth while still offering genuine empathy? You’ll come away from this episode with a clearer, more nuanced understanding of validation, and why it often starts with giving yourself what you may never have received from others. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Part 1. Validation (Or Lack Thereof) (Ep 198) Part 2. Validation: What, Why, How and When (Ep 199)

In this invaluable second episode of a 4-part series, host Tina Gilbertson wades into the nuts and bolts of validation -- a concept that can shift the dynamics of strained or distant relationships in positive directions. With her usual warmth and clarity, Tina walks you through how to acknowledge someone’s feelings without judgment or correction. ... And without losing yourself in the process. If you've ever wondered how to respond when your adult child expresses anger, pulls away, or shares something you deeply disagree with, this episode offers a fresh and practical perspective. Tina boils down validation to the basics: What it is, why it matters more than most people realize, how you can start practicing today, and when to apply this skill in your life and relationships. You’ll learn a simple, two-step technique anyone can use to validate authentically. You’ll hear specific language to help you navigate emotional conversations with more confidence and calm. This is an episode that may leave you thinking differently about the next conversation you have, and how you want to show up for it. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 163: Personal Growth vs. Parenting?

Reconnection Club Members can use the player on our Podcast Player page to play episodes continuously. Follow us on Instagram.    *   *   * Many estranged adult children report feeling invalidated in their interactions with their parents. These feelings -- of being dismissed, misunderstood, or emotionally unseen -- often contribute to ongoing disconnection. But what exactly does invalidation sound like in everyday conversation? And how can parents begin to recognize these pitfalls, to make sure they’re being as supportive as they want to be? In this compassionate and informative episode, host Tina Gilbertson begins a vital exploration of validation -- what it means, why it matters, and how it often plays a pivotal role in the dynamics between parents and adult children. The first of a four-part series, this episode focuses on three common types of invalidating responses. Tina breaks down each type with clarity and care, offering real-life examples to help listeners recognize them in context. Future episodes in this series will explore validation in greater depth, offering tools and insights to support parents on their journey through estrangement with empathy and clarity. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: How to Validate Someone Validation and Estrangement Words of Validation for Parents of No-Contact Adult Children Validation Workshop (Reconnection Club member login required)

TRANSCRIPT: These are uncertain times for those of us who create and freely share content via the Internet. I mentioned on the podcast earlier this year that I needed some time to assess the impact of all the changes happening in the world of digital information, including the widespread, unregulated use of AI. At that time, I removed the show from a couple of the larger platforms, and stopped releasing new episodes to those platforms. Unfortunately, many smaller platforms were also affected. And that’s made it a lot harder for the show to be found by new listeners, which is a dilemma I’m still wrestling with.  Because it’s become clear that even more changes are necessary to protect the integrity of this podcast, even while making sure that you, the listener, can still access it. So here’s the current plan.  Starting with Episode 177, which will be released on July 29th, 2024, new episodes will appear in more places, but with certain exceptions, they will expire when the next episode is released. And beginning immediately, I’m going to start expiring some of the older episodes – again, with certain exceptions. Namely, the following:  - If you’re used to listening to the videos on our YouTube channel, or ... - If you listen on the Reconnection Club website... Nothing will change for you. There will be no expiration and you can disregard this entire announcement. (Again, that is if you listen on either our YouTube channel, or our website.) However, if you use a podcast player app like iHeartRadio or Pocket Casts, then new episodes starting with 177 will typically be available for only two weeks, and then they will expire.  There are ways to get around that two-week time limit. Within those first two weeks, you should still be able to download episodes and keep them for however long you want, depending on the app. Please check on that directly with your app. I don’t have that information. But if you ever lose an episode or can’t find one that you’re looking for, remember you can always find every single episode, old and new, on the Reconnection Club website, at reconnectionclub.com/podcast, or by episode number, for example, "reconnectionclub.com/130" for Episode 130. Or, subscribe to our YouTube channel for free and listen there. I know that episode expiration will not be a welcome change, and I thank you for your understanding and patience as I try to strike a balance between limiting unauthorized access by AI, and preserving your access to the podcast as a listener.  I also thank you for sharing the Reconnection Club Podcast with other parents experiencing unwanted estrangement from their adult children.  Thank you for your continued support in these challenging times. 

There are many more episodes to come! To find ALL episodes of the Reconnection Club Podcast, go to Reconnectionclub.com/podcast.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child. In the 3rd and final episode of this series, you'll find out why it's important to go through the steps in order, and not to enter Step 3 prematurely. By the time you get to this last step, you should already have completed 90% of the work of reconnection -- even without your adult child's participation. Tina cautions that many rejected parents go through the steps backwards, expending energy in fruitless efforts for which they haven't yet built a foundation. You'll also hear about three different traps that parents can fall into, in trying to repair an estrangement. Once you've spent constructive time in Steps 1 and 2, you'll be prepared for Step 3, which should be the easiest of the three, if approached in order.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child. In the first episode, Tina explains why it's important to slow down and avoid acting impulsively, from a place of desperation. This foundational episode provides a rationale for Step 1, and then lists specific tasks appropriate for this first phase of responding to your adult child's estrangement. You'll learn why it's necessary to pay attention to your nervous system, and how best to avoid unnecessary suffering. (According to Buddhism, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.) Reconnection Club members can find an annotated guide to the Road Map, with links to Tina's favorite resources, inside the Reconnection Club.  

This week’s episode begins with an assertion that neither pain nor compassion is a zero-sum commodity. Estranged adult child are in some ways wounded by the relationship they share with their parents. Most people in this position are in pain over the necessity of estrangement. Acknowledging that fact, we can still find compassion for the rejected parent who finds himself left behind. It’s usually the case that he did the best he knew how to do, and didn’t mean to hurt his child(ren). Estrangement involves pain on both sides. Tina talks about three separate types of parental pain, which she suggests exist at deeper and deeper levels in the parent. If you’re hurting over the relationship with your adult child or children, this episode is a must-listen.

The parent-child relationship is not like any other. In so many ways, your role has always been a more demanding one than your child’s. If you were lucky, you had no responsibility for your parents when you were growing up; they took care of you, and not the other way around. Parents care for their children, and children are cared for by parents. There's something inherently asymmetrical about the relationship. That dynamic gets etched into both of your psyches as your child grows to maturity. And even though she’s now an adult, she’s never going to be exactly like your peers. Tina describes the ways and means that parents shoulder the burden of steering relationships with their children. It’s clear that although parents and children are not exactly peers, even in adulthood, parents trade the responsibilities of parenting for the honor of being irreplaceable. Most of us have just one of each parent. Never believe you’re interchangeable with anyone else in your adult child’s life.