111. "Why do I have to heal first?"

What if, instead of wondering what you should do next, you had a thoughtful strategy for reconnecting with your estranged adult child? In this multi-part series (Parts 2 and 3 release on 9/21/26 and 10/5/26 respectively), therapist and host Tina Gilbertson helps parents build a reconnection strategy of their own -- one that fits their unique situation and can guide them not only when making contact, but also during stretches of silence. Tina points out that most parents are already following some kind of strategy. It may be an instinctive response, a pattern they've fallen into, or simply whatever feels right in the moment. But when you're trying to repair an important relationship, hoping you'll know what to do when the next difficult moment arrives isn't much of a plan. A well-formed strategy gives you something to come back to. It employs exactly the right tactics, not behaviors that backfire sending you back to Square One. Don't let "strategy" and "tactics" put you off; they're not about deception or manipulation. They're about being thoughtful and purposeful about inviting reconnection, by repairing the parent-adult relationship. Strategy isn't a way to control your child, but rather a way to guide yourself. You can't control what your adult child will do. But you can decide how you will show up. And having a thoughtful strategy can help you do that, even when the unexpected happens. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://reconnectionclub.com Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum (https://reconnectionclub.com/community/forum/general/) inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack. https://tinagilbertson.substack.com/

What if you did your best with a child who was unusually difficult to raise… and then as an adult, they became estranged? The pain can be especially deep when you remember how hard you worked, the challenges you faced as a parent, and how much you tried to get things right. In this episode, therapist and host Tina Gilbertson explores the possibility that difficult temperaments and mismatches between parents and children aren't anyone's fault. Instead of looking for someone to blame, she invites listeners to consider what compassion might make possible -- compassion for the child you struggled to raise, and compassion for the human parent you were and still are. Tina encourages listeners to look honestly at their reasons for wanting contact with difficult, now-estranged adult children. What are you hoping contact will do? And what might change if you could radically accept yourself, your child, and your history together as reality, and start from there? For evidence-based tools to repair a troubled parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack. https://tinagilbertson.substack.com/ EPISODE LINKS: To incorporate the healing light of validation into your relationship with a difficult estranged adult child, listen to the 4-part Validation series: Reconnection Club Podcast Episodes 198 through 201 ( https://reconnectionclub.com/198 )

When your adult child "goes no contact," are you supposed to just stop trying to reach out? How can you find out what's wrong? And what about "less contact" -- what does that mean? Usually, no contact means no contact. But other times it means "no contact unless..." or "no contact until..." and this might not always be obvious. Parents who are fine with honoring a no-contact request may actually need to do more than simply wait for estranged adult children to change their minds. On the other hand, parents who find it nearly impossible not to reach out, may be better off sitting on their hands and letting the relationship breathe. This episode provides food for thought, and greater clarity, for every parent who's received a direct or implied request for no contact from their adult child(ren). For evidence-based information and tools to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack https://tinagilbertson.substack.com/ EPISODE LINKS: Ep. 51: Why Can't They Take 5 Seconds to Text You Back? https://reconnectionclub.com/51 Ep. 155: Good Grief https://reconnectionclub.com/155 PS. For more on no contact, also review Ep. 172: When to Respect a No-Contact Request https://reconnectionclub.com/172

When relationships between parents and adult children become strained, distance can grow quickly. Many parents feel powerless to change things -- or worse, believe they've already made things worse by trying to fix it. But what if the very skills that heal therapeutic relationships could also repair yours? In this practical episode, psychotherapist and host Tina Gilbertson reveals how much of what therapy clients receive from their therapists is actually rooted in attuned parenting. That means the powerful techniques that help people grow and heal in therapy aren't exclusive to clinicians -- they're skills parents can use too. Tina walks through 5 of these therapy skills, showing you exactly what each one is, what they look like in real conversations, and how to practice them. These aren't abstract concepts -- you'll hear specific examples you can adapt for your own relationship. Whether your relationship is currently rocky, distant, or you're worried about future conflict, these skills give you something concrete to try. Don't be caught empty-handed when opportunity knocks. You'll want to start practicing these skills in all your relationships right away. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack. https://tinagilbertson.substack.com EPISODE LINKS: The Validation series: Reconnection Club Podcast Episodes 198, 199, 200 and 201 (Starting at https://reconnectionclub.com/198)

In this thoughtful episode, host Tina Gilbertson offers a fresh perspective on a question many parents of young adults wrestle with: How do we help our adult children become independent — and how do we know when to step back versus step in? Drawing on the universal reality that we all have dependency needs throughout our lives, Tina makes the case that genuine independence doesn't come from being left to figure everything out alone. Instead, it grows from the experience of being able to truly depend on others. The ultimate goal isn't total self-sufficiency, but interdependence — the ability to both lean on others and be someone others can lean on. Tina also invites parents to look at their own dependency needs and consider how those may be shaping their adult child's struggles with independence or reliance on them. When the way forward feels unclear, she offers a practical guiding principle: Meet the need that's strongest in the moment, stay open to small, unexpected steps toward independence, and trust that balance between dependence and independence can return over time. For evidence-based information and tools to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack EPISODE LINKS: https://traumatherapistnetwork.com https://www.psychologytoday.com https://www.goodtherapy.org

If you have a college-aged adult child who's creating distance between you, you're not alone. Why do young adults suddenly go from frequent voluntary contact and "I love you" to feeling "smothered"? And how should parents respond? In this episode featuring a recording from a past Q&A call, podcast host Tina Gilbertson, LPC, tackles the problem of college cutoff. You'll hear one family's story that might resemble your own in this essential episode for parents of college-aged adult children. For evidence-based information on estrangement, and tools to repair a troubled parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack https://tinagilbertson.substack.com EPISODE LINKS: The Reconnection Club Podcast https://reconnectionclub.com/category/podcast/ The Reconnection Club https://reconnectionclub.com For members: The Reconnection Club Resource Library https://reconnectionclub.com/library

One of the hardest things to understand if you didn't abuse your child or children, is that their estrangement may still be a way of protecting themselves. Although there are estranged adult children with horrific stories of abuse and neglect, they are not the only ones creating distance from parents and family. Parents of all backgrounds, temperaments, disciplinary styles and socioeconomic levels are being held at arm's length by adult children who were not abused, and yet are motivated by self-protection. They're not lying. They just might be talking about factors that are all but invisible to you, and even to other family members. In this cornerstone two-part episode (Part 1 can be found at https://reconnectionclub.com/225), you'll learn about relationship dynamics that may be unfamiliar or challenging, that could contribute to your adult child's going no-contact or low-contact. Once you understand what they're protecting themselves from, you can begin the work of reducing the impact of those factors, and healing your relationship. For much more evidence-based information and tools to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join at https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack: https://tinagilbertson.substack.com EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 119: Finding Out Where the Boundaries Are https://reconnectionclub.com/119 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 193: The Truth of the Matter https://reconnectionclub.com/193 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 198: Validation (Or Lack Thereof) https://reconnectionclub.com/198 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 149: From Enmeshment to Estrangement https://reconnectionclub.com/149 Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents https://reconnectionclub.com/bedrock

One of the hardest things to understand if you didn't abuse your child or children, is that their estrangement may still be a way of protecting themselves. Although there are estranged adult children with horrific stories of abuse and neglect, they are not the only ones creating distance from parents and family. Parents of all backgrounds, temperaments, disciplinary styles and socioeconomic levels are being held at arm's length by adult children who were not abused, and yet are motivated by self-protection. They're not lying. They just might be talking about factors that are all but invisible to you, and even to other family members. In this cornerstone two-part episode (Part 2 releases June 15, 2026), you'll learn about relationship dynamics that may be unfamiliar or challenging, that could contribute to your adult child's going no-contact or low-contact. Once you understand what they're protecting themselves from, you can begin the work of reducing the impact of those factors, and healing your relationship. For much more evidence-based information and tools to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child:  https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join: https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack: https://tinagilbertson.substack.com

When your adult child stops talking to you, many parents' biggest fear is they'll never come back. If silence goes on for months or years, you might naturally wonder if the unthinkable has happened, and the relationship with your child(ren) is actually over. In this hopeful episode, therapist and host Tina Gilbertson argues that estrangement itself is a sign the relationship is still alive. Find out how to use this time to strengthen the relationship, even when it appears there's no movement. As long as you yourself are learning, growing, healing and evolving, your relationship with your adult child(ren) is potentially doing the same. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack - https://tinagilbertson.substack.com EPISODE LINKS: Family Systems Theory (Murray Bowen):  Bowentheoryacademy.org - https://bowentheoryacademy.org/bowen-theory/bowen-theory-history-and-concepts Vermont Center for Family Studies - https://vermontcenterforfamilystudies.org/about/bowen-family-systems-theory/ Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 217 How to Tolerate Anxiety During Estrangement From Your Adult Child https://reconnectionclub.com/217 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 25: Estrangement... A Phase of Development?  https://reconnectionclub.com/25 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 212: The Open Secret About Reconnection https://reconnectionclub.com/212  

In this thoughtful remake of Episode 3, RC Podcast host and therapist Tina Gilbertson walks listeners through some of the most common mistakes parents make when adult children become estranged. As a parent, sometimes you have to avoid words and actions that might come naturally if you want to successfully reconnect. Steering clear of anything that could make your adult child's estrangement worse is obviously important. This helpful episode will guide you away from common pitfalls, and toward more productive action. Be sure to check out the all links below after listening. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. (Find it on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe) Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack. https://tinagilbertson.substack.com EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep 120: Rules of Thumb Are Not Rules https://reconnectionclub.com/120 Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 144: What's Your Strategy https://reconnectionclub.com/144 Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 172: When to Respect a No-Contact Request https://reconnectionclub.com/172 Don't Be in a Hurry to Apologize to an Estranged Adult Child  https://reconnectionclub.com/dont-rush-apology What Does a No-Contact Request Sound Like? https://reconnectionclub.com/nocontact-request Why We Act Impulsively (And How Not To) https://reconnectionclub.com/threat-response Top 7 Mistakes downloadable handout https://reconnectionclub.com/top7 Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe The Reconnection Club Podcast https://reconnectionclub.com/podcast The Reconnection Club https://reconnectionclub.com