333. Intentional Friendship: Why Connection After Training Takes Real Effort

In training, connection often happens without much effort. You are surrounded by people who get it. Then you become an attending, move, build a family, care for patients and parents, and suddenly friendship feels like one more thing that requires energy you do not have. In this episode, Jessie Mahoney and Ni-Cheng Liang talk about why friendship after training takes real intention—and why it is not a luxury.  For physicians and high achievers, connection can be hard not because we do not care, but because medicine trains us to override our needs, keep going, compare and despair, and struggle to receive support. They offer practical, compassionate ways to sustain old friendships, make new ones, and let friendship look like what it actually can look like in a full life: a standing dinner date, a text when someone crosses your mind, an imperfect annual gathering, a yoga class followed by coffee, or simply being willing to reach out. This conversation explores: Why friendship and social connection are a form of medicine Why connection can become harder after medical training The activation energy of friendship—and why it can ultimately give energy back Scheduling connection with the same seriousness as the rest of life Friendship seasons, long-distance friendship, and imperfect attendance How to move from compare and despair to curiosity What "friend trauma" can teach us without defining what comes next The practice of receiving, belonging, and letting someone hold space for you Small, realistic ways to start or sustain one meaningful connection this week Friendship takes effort. But it may be the thing that makes everything else feel more sustainable. Learn more about coaching, retreats, and mindfulness offerings on www.jessiemahoneymd.com *Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.

What if compromise is not the path to a more connected relationship? For many of us, especially in long-term relationships, compromise can look like avoiding the conversation, making ourselves smaller, or giving up what is real and alive inside us so that our partner will be more comfortable. It keeps the peace, but it also creates distance. In this open, practical conversation, Dr. Jessie Mahoney is joined by physician coach, relationship and intimacy coach, and author Dr. Alexandra Stockwell. They explore the possibility of uncompromising intimacy: not getting your own way, but becoming more aware of what you want, need, and feel—and learning to share it in a way that creates more connection. They talk honestly about libido mismatch, emotional intimacy, the difference between connection before intimacy and intimacy as connection, why many high-achieving physicians bring their professional roles home, and how curiosity can help couples find their way back to one another. You will leave with practical ways to begin: asking better questions, creating intimacy dates without pressure, practicing pleasure in everyday life, and using small moments of intention and attention to reconnect. Learn more about Dr. Alexandra Stockwell, Uncompromising Intimacy, and her work at alexandrastockwell.com. Learn more about coaching, retreats, and mindfulness offerings on www.jessiemahoneymd.com *Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.

What if being called "high maintenance" is not an insult, but a sign that you are paying attention to what it takes to live and work well? In this solo episode, Dr. Jessie Mahoney explores the hidden cost of being the easy one—the physician who asks for little, absorbs the inconvenience, takes the extra shift, and tries not to make waves. For many women in medicine, labels like selfish, difficult, demanding, and high maintenance can become a reason to stop asking for what we need. Physicians do unusually demanding work. We need sleep, rest, food, movement, connection, boundaries, support, time to recover, and a functioning nervous system.  None of this is indulgent. It is maintenance. "What is worth maintaining? This episode is an invitation to stop equating self-neglect with generosity, to distinguish an unreasonable request from an inconvenient one, and to remember: you are worth maintaining. Learn more about coaching and retreats at jessiemahoneymd.com. *Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.

How can you create enough space to notice what you need and trust yourself? In this warm conversation, family physician and physician leader Dr. Kelly Derbin shares how coaching, mindfulness, yoga, and two Connect in Nature retreats helped her navigate clinical burnout, leadership, caring for her aging mother, and the decision to retire from clinical practice.  She shares how these tools have helped her savor a meaningful season rather than simply survive it. In this episode, Dr. Jessie Mahoney and Dr. Kelly Derbin talk about the pause that changes everything: the small gap, a coaching conversation, an immersive retreat, or an intentional choice that helps us get our heads above the clouds long enough to hear ourselves again. Might you also be "trying to make something work because of what the vision was in my head, as opposed to being open to what could be"? Listen to learn: Why getting above the clouds can change how we see work, life, and big decisions The difference between institutional leadership development and outside coaching Why physicians need both small pauses and more immersive resets How a retreat can help regulate a nervous system that has been carrying too much Creating a microculture of intention within a large healthcare organization Letting go of the imagined plan in order to make space for what is actually possible Caring for an aging parent while carrying a full professional life Retirement as a transition into a new season, not a falling-off-a-cliff decision Using mindfulness not only to survive difficult moments, but to savor tender ones How intention changes the "landing" of conversations with colleagues and family "If you're just using your mindfulness to navigate the hard moments, you might miss the beauty of those really special moments." If you are a physician who feels successful on the surface but knows something needs to shift underneath, this conversation is an invitation to pause.  You do not have to decide everything today.  You may simply need enough space to hear yourself. About Dr. Kelly Derbin Dr. Kelly Derbin is a family physician. After early academic and community-based family medicine roles in Alabama, she returned to California and spent 17 years with Palo Alto Medical Foundation. She served as the founding medical director of a leadership development office for nearly a decade and will continue to provide leadership coaching within her organization as she retires from clinical practice. Learn more about coaching, retreats, and mindfulness offerings on www.jessiemahoneymd.com Free Live-Stream Mindful Yoga: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/yoga Jessie's Blog: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/jessies-blog *Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.

Hope is deeply human. It can keep us going when life feels uncertain, painful, or out of our control.  But hope is not a plan. In this solocast, Dr. Jessie Mahoney shares what she is learning while caring for her aging parents through a season of medical crises, changing needs, family decisions, and more chaos than she expected. Then she widens the conversation to the endurance races many of us are living: our own health, caregiving, medicine, work, relationships, and change we did not choose. This is an episode about accepting reality without giving up, finding agency when you cannot control the outcome, caring for your nervous system, and meeting hard moments with wisdom and grace. Jessie shares practical mindfulness tools for staying steady, including letting go, trust, presence, gratitude, generosity, helpful questions, and her guiding questions: What will I wish I had done? and What would love do? In this episode, you'll hear about: Why hope can be inspiring—and still not be an action plan Acceptance as radical honesty, not resignation How to find agency without taking over someone else's agency Why chaos can become a place to learn and grow Managing your mind, nervous system, and physiology in a long endurance season Risk mitigation instead of perfectionism Helpful questions that interrupt spiraling and return you to clarity The power of pauses, rest, nourishment, and self-compassion How sibling relationships can be both hard and unexpectedly healing "Health and wealth," "brave and bold," and "the exquisite" as practical ways to navigate change Resources and invitations: Learn about one-on-one coaching: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/physician-coaching Learn about Advanced Coaching / Deeper Connections: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/deeper-connections-advanced-coaching Explore 2027 Nicasio Creek Farm retreat dates: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/nicasio-creek-farm-coaching-immersions Connect in Nature with Dr. Ni-Cheng Liang, December 2–4: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreat-connect-in-nature 2027 Transition Well Group Coaching: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/transition-well Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.

What if the conversation in front of you is not asking you to fix anything? As physicians, caregivers, parents, and partners, we are trained to notice suffering and move quickly toward a solution. But even when our intention is to help, fixing can sometimes land as judgment. It can leave the other person feeling unseen, rushed, or as though they need to change. In this episode, Dr. Ni-Cheng Liang and Dr. Jessie Mahoney explore mindful communication as a practice of presence, curiosity, and generosity. They share why listening without immediately advising, correcting, rescuing, or preparing your response can be deeply healing—for the person speaking and for you. Together, they discuss practical ways to arrive more fully before an important conversation: a breath, a hand to heart, a quiet walk, a moment of noticing, or simply an intention to connect. This is not about performing perfect communication. It is an invitation to pause, listen, and remember that sometimes the most healing thing we can offer is our willingness to stay. In This Episode, We Explore Why the instinct to fix can unintentionally communicate judgment The difference between "How can I help?" and deciding what someone needs Listening as a gift of presence, not a tool for solving Why presence and monotasking can conserve emotional energy The question beneath our urge to fix: whose discomfort are we trying to relieve? Simple ways to prepare your body and mind for a difficult conversation How to practice mindful communication with patients, colleagues, children, partners, and parents Reflection Questions When someone comes to you with a problem, is your first instinct to fix or to simply listen? Where might your desire to help sometimes carry an unintended judgment? What does it feel like in your body when you are truly listening? What helps you arrive with presence before an important conversation? Who in your life might benefit from being listened to rather than being fixed? Connect in Nature Retreat Drs. Liang and Mahoney will be offering another Connect in Nature retreat in December, with CME available. Learn more and join them here: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreat-connect-in-nature If this conversation resonates, Jessie's coaching offers a place to pause, hear yourself more clearly, and make changes with more presence, self-trust, and ease. 1:1 Coaching: www.jessiemahoneymd.comCME Wellness Retreats: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreats Free Live-Stream Mindful Yoga: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/yoga Jessie's Blog: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/jessies-blog Podcast Page: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/mindful-healers-podcast Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.  

What if you did not have to earn your rest, optimize your time off, or have the next chapter all figured out before it begins? In this episode of Healing Medicine, Dr. Jessie Mahoney talks with Dr. Jenny Kohr, a breast radiologist in the space between two jobs. After leaving a role she held for nearly 14 years, Jenny took nine weeks before starting the next one. She did not travel the world. She did not reorganize her whole life. She did not turn her time off into another ambitious project. Instead, she practiced pacing. Jenny shares what she learned from leaving space in her schedule, sitting outside with coffee in the morning, moving her body, taking a meditation class, writing, and learning to sing. Together, she and Jessie explore the old patterns that can make change so tiring for women in medicine: urgency, perfectionism, striving, and the belief that we need to prove we used our time well. This is a conversation about trusting yourself enough to let things take the time they take. About noticing when your strengths are serving you—and when they are asking too much of you. And about beginning again without abandoning yourself in the process. In this episode, we explore How to navigate a career transition without recreating the same pace Why "pacing" can be more helpful than simply telling yourself to slow down The urge to fill time off with travel, achievement, and productivity How urgency and perfectionism can masquerade as responsibility Why a reasonable pace can help you do better work, not less work What singing can teach us about strain, self-trust, and finding what fits How writing your story for yourself changes the way you see your life The difference between helpful strengths and patterns that have become draining How to ask better questions when you are new, uncertain, or in transition Pearls of wisdom Things take the time they take. What if the way you spent your time off was exactly what you needed? If you feel yourself straining, try something different. You do not need to explain every decision that is right for you. We do not have to get rid of our strengths. We can be discerning about when they are helpful. You do not have to have it all figured out right now. And if you did, how boring. Reflection questions Where am I cramming something in rather than letting it take the time it takes? What is my sense of urgency asking me to prove, finish, or figure out? Where do I feel strain—and what might it look like to try something different? What if this season is giving me exactly what I need? What would it look like to trust myself a little more in the change I am navigating? If this conversation resonates, Jessie's coaching offers a place to pause, hear yourself more clearly, and make changes with more presence, self-trust, and ease. 1:1 Coaching: www.jessiemahoneymd.comCME Wellness Retreats: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreats Free Live-Stream Mindful Yoga: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/yoga Jessie's Blog: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/jessies-blog Podcast Page: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/mindful-healers-podcast Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.  

Guilt heavily influences women physicians' decision-making. I see it day in and day out as a physician coach. Dr. Jessie Mahoney talks with psychiatrist and author Dr. Jennifer Reid about her book Guilt Free and the guilt equation she uses with patients: guilt as our expectations minus our perceived reality. They walk through the four expectations Jennifer calls "the four furies"—constant caretaking, hyper-accountability, seeking perfection, and the myth of having it all—and why these are especially expensive for women physicians. Jessie and Jennifer talk through the difference between adaptive guilt, which prompts real repair, and maladaptive guilt, which keeps us doing more. They cover disappointment as one of the most stressful things for physicians to navigate, why boundaries and delegating feel unsafe, and Jennifer's SPEAK framework for moving toward guilt-free decisions: showing up, paying attention, examining the evidence, taking action, and "keeping going," which = continuing the practice. Guilt also functions as a form of social control in medicine—training that keeps physicians giving more instead of questioning the system asking it of them. Awareness is the most important shift. In this episode:  The guilt equation: expectations minus perceived reality The four expectations that keep women physicians trapped in guilt Adaptive guilt versus maladaptive guilt Why disappointment feels so dangerous in medicine The SPEAK framework for moving toward guilt-free decisions How guilt functions as social control in medical training Pearls of Wisdom: Guilt equals our expectations minus our perceived reality—and perceived reality is rarely accurate. Guilt motivates the way junk food does: briefly, at a high cost. Adaptive guilt prompts repair; maladaptive guilt just prompts more and more. Disappointing others is often unavoidable—the litmus test that matters more is not disappointing yourself. Guilt functions as social control in medicine, keeping physicians giving more instead of questioning the system. Awareness is most of the shift. Reflection Questions Where do you notice yourself making decisions from guilt rather than desire or alignment? Which of the four expectations—caretaking, hyper-accountability, perfection, or having it all—shows up most for you? Where does disappointing someone else actually mean not disappointing yourself? What would it look like to delegate, set a boundary, or let someone be disappointed this week? More about Dr. Jennifer Reid: her book Guilt Free is available here, and she writes at her Substack, A Mind of Her Own, and at jenniferreidmd.com. Ways to Work with Jessie 1:1 Coaching: https://www.jessiemahoneymd.com/ CME Wellness Retreats: https://www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreats Free Live-Stream Mindful Yoga: https://www.jessiemahoneymd.com/yoga Jessie's Blog: https://www.jessiemahoneymd.com/jessies-blog Podcast Page: https://www.jessiemahoneymd.com/mindful-healers-podcast Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.  

Dr. Jessie Mahoney and Dr. Erica Bove are birthday twins. Once a year, they sit down to reflect on what they are proud of, what they have learned, and what they want for the year ahead. This year, the conversation moves through self-kindness and what it actually looks like. They also talk about surrender as a lived experience rather than a concept, the courage it takes to rest inside a life built for productivity, and what it means to choose fun and alignment over achievement and obligation.  Jessie walks through her TED talk, becoming a grandmother of twins, creative grandparenting, finishing certifications on her own timeline, and the story that changed how she thinks about legacy.  Erica shares how self-kindness led to a resignation, opened space for her mother's illness, made room for a new relationship, and reshaped her approach to rest and female friendship. Listen to Explore What it looks like when self-kindness moves from a mantra into an actual decision How surrender shows up differently in career, family, health, and relationships Why rest and non-productivity are essential to a physician's whole health, not extras Creative grandparenting and the courage to do things your own way Female friendship as a vital, non-optional part of a well-lived life The story that reframed legacy around fun, not achievement Pearls of Wisdom Coaching, career pivots, fertility, parenting, relationships: the access point differs, but the deeper work overlaps. Sometimes speaking up means standing tall, and sometimes it means letting other people be them. Patience and trust often deliver what pushing and forcing cannot. Rest is not a reward for finishing. It is what makes the next season possible. Female friendship is not optional. It is part of your whole health system. Reflection Questions What would be kind to yourself this year? Where are you pushing through something that patience or rest might serve better? What would your children or the people closest to you say about whether you are having fun? Which friendships are you letting drift that deserve an intentional reach? About Dr. Erica Bove: Dr. Erica Bove is a double board-certified OBGYN and reproductive endocrinologist who practices at the University of Vermont and runs a fertility coaching practice for female physicians.  www.loveandsciencefertility.com www.loveandsciencefertility.com/thepodcast   Ways to work with Jessie 1:1 Coaching: www.jessiemahoneymd.com CME Wellness Retreats: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreats Free Live-Stream Mindful Yoga: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/yoga Jessie's Blog: https://www.jessiemahoneymd.com/jessies-blog Podcast Page: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/mindful-healers-podcast Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.  

There is a moment many of us know is coming: a parent's health changes, and our role changes with it. For physicians, caregiving can be especially complicated — our medical knowledge comes with responsibility, worry, and a powerful instinct to fix. We can know what might be medically best and still not be the person who gets to decide. Jessie and Ni-Cheng explore how mindfulness and coaching don't remove the difficulty of caregiving, but can change how we carry it and help us remain present, connected, and buoyant along the way. In This Episode: Why being "the doctor in the family" can complicate caregiving instead of easing it The difference between resilience and buoyancy Walking alongside aging parents versus managing them Letting go of overfunctioning and over-optimizing in caregiving What overwhelm, frustration, and resentment are actually telling us Pearls of Wisdom: Being "the doctor in the family" can make caregiving harder rather than easier. We may recognize every red flag and feel responsible even when the decisions are not ours to make. Buoyancy is different from resilience. Most physicians already know how to endure; buoyancy is about capacity, nervous system steadiness, repletion, and rising again when life pulls us under. Walking alongside our aging parents is different from managing them. We can offer knowledge and be helpful while still respecting their autonomy. Sustainable caregiving requires letting go of overfunctioning and over-optimizing. Doing something most efficiently doesn't automatically mean it's ours to do. Overwhelm, anger, frustration, and resentment aren't evidence that we're failing. They're information that may be asking us to rest, ask for help, regulate, or set a boundary. Reflection Questions: Where has caregiving opened us to a conversation or relationship we didn't expect? Where is caregiving difficult right now in a way that doesn't need to become a lesson? Where might our medical training be making caregiving harder rather than easier? What might change if we used mindfulness or coaching instead of our instinct to fix? Ways to work with Jessie 1:1 Coaching: www.jessiemahoneymd.com CME Wellness Retreats: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreats Free Live-Stream Mindful Yoga: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/yoga Jessie's Blog: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/jessies-blog Podcast Page: www.jessiemahoneymd.com/mindful-healers-podcast Nothing shared in the Healing Medicine Podcast is medical advice. The Healing Medicine Podcast was formerly known as the Mindful Healers Podcast.