Weaponized Incompetence—and Weaponized Passivity

There are several sneaky ways for the people we work with, or live with, to get away with participating less in the work that needs to happen. "Weaponized incompetence" became TikTok-famous during the pandemic, and most of us became more aware when that was being deployed. A recent Substack post by Ask Astrid suggested that "weaponized passivity" may be a subtler but equally effective opt-out option. When someone says "I don't care what we have for dinner, I'll eat whatever," are they being generous, low-key, and collaborative? Or are they declaring themselves "not it," knowing dinner will still be served (by you) and they'll still get to eat? We discuss: How to spot weaponized incompetence, weaponized passivity, and weaponized irritability How gender roles and socialization teach women to anticipate the needs of the domestic sphere, while rewarding men for being hands-off and largely inattentive Practical ways to challenge these patterns, including recognizing that “not caring” doesn't mean something doesn't need to get done How these dynamics show up with our kids, our teenagers... and yes, sometimes, ourselves We loved Ask Astrid's Substack on this topic and refer to it heavily in this episode. Read for yourself: Meet weaponized passivity: incompetence's quieter sibling Here are links to some of the other resources mentioned in the episode: Maggie Zhou for Refinery29: Why Is ‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Blowing Up On TikTok? Because Too Many Of Us Do It Fresh Take: Allison Daminger, WHAT'S ON HER MIND- The Mental Workload of Family Life Changing the Invisible Workload (with guest Eve Rodsky) Celestial Sylvia on FB: Weaponized incompetence in "You Can See Everything" What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our previous episodes about dynamics with our parenting partners. There are lots of reasons why someone might find parenting easier when their spouse is not around, and not all of them are a cause to call in the couples therapist. A listener posted in our ⁠Facebook group⁠: Anyone else feel like things are easier when their spouse isn’t home? We’ve been dealing with some family issues so he is out of town. I find that when he isn’t here, my kids listen better, we make a good team and work together, they sleep better, etc. Is that weird? How can one person make such a difference? Not much has changed except I do a little more (take out the trash, drop kids off at school) so it’s not that I have more time. It just seems more peaceful in our home or something. And to be honest, I’m not sure it’s a good sign! When we're solo parenting, we have more alone time, we don't have to negotiate child-related or housework-related decisions, and there are fewer dishes and dirty clothes to wash. If you like it when your spouse is away, that doesn't mean you love them any less or they're a bad spouse. But are there advantages we can consider making part of our parenting all the time? That might also be a possibility. Amy and Margaret discuss: Why it's easier to solo parent sometimes How the pandemic changed couple dynamics How to discuss with our spouse how we feel Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Katie Cloyd for Scary Mommy: ⁠"My Life Is Easier When My Husband Travels"⁠ Meredith Bland for Parent Map: ⁠"Parenting is Easier When My Husband is Out of Town"⁠ ⁠We Did Not Sign Up For Being With Our Spouses 24/7 (with guest Damona Hoffman)⁠ ⁠A Room Of Our Own: Claiming the Space We Need⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode includes discussion of rape and sexual assault. As parents, we have been horrified by the reports of sexual violence on Cornell’s campus in 2024, and dismayed that so little seems to have changed since we were in college ourselves. How do we teach our children to protect themselves from sexual violence on campus? And how mad do we get to be at the institutions that still aren’t protecting them? On this episode we interview violence prevention expert Meg Stone, executive director of IMPACT Boston and author of The Cost of Fear: Why Most Safety Advice is Sexist, and How We Can Stop Gender-Based Violence and Don’t Fight Back and 10 Other Myths About Crime, Personal Safety, and Gender-Based Violence. This conversation explores why sexual violence is usually committed by someone the victim knows, why common safety advice can be both ineffective and victim-blaming, and what research says about empowerment-based prevention. Meg also discusses practical skills, boundary setting, bystander responsibility, and the role parents and institutions can play—without placing responsibility for violence on those targeted. We discuss: Why the “stranger jumping out of the bushes” is a misleading picture of sexual violence Why one-time online campus trainings often fail to change behavior How victim-blaming has shaped conversations about sexual violence What empowerment-based self-defense programs teach—and why practice matters How stress can make it harder to respond in the moment Why refusal skills and boundary setting can be protective How friends, bystanders, and institutions can interrupt abuse Where families can look for empowerment self-defense and comprehensive sex education The conversation emphasizes practicing refusal and interruption under stress, bystander responsibility, and finding trainings via the Empowerment Self-Defense Alliance and the National Women’s Martial Arts Federation. Here’s where you can find Meg Stone’s work and the resources mentioned: Impact Boston: impactboston.org Meg Stone: megstone.org Empowerment Self-Defense Alliance: https://www.empowermentsd.org/ National Women’s Martial Arts Federation: https://nwmaf.org/ The Cost of Fear by Meg Stone Don’t Fight Back and 10 Other Myths About Crime, Personal Safety, and Gender-Based Violence by Meg Stone Sexual Citizens by Jennifer S. Hirsch and Shamus Khan If you or someone you love has been impacted, help is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE or by texting "START" to 88788. RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at 1-800-656-HOPE. ____________ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Beth Gellman-Beer spent her whole career fighting for kids with disabilities — first as a student written off as “lazy,” then as a federal civil rights attorney who found her dream job protecting students like her younger self. But on one ordinary night, a phone call changed everything: Her entire office had been eliminated. In the premiere of Zero Reject, reporter Anya Kamenetz traces Beth’s journey from an unfair fourth-grade classroom to the front lines of a sweeping overhaul at the Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights — the agency families turn to when a school isn’t meeting their child’s needs. Anya breaks down the reduction in force that gutted OCR’s staff, what it means for the 25,000 families still waiting for a response to their complaints, and the plan to dismantle the Department of Education altogether. With fewer people to enforce the law, what happens to the students the system was built to protect? https://lnk.to/zerorejectFD!whatfreshhell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How do we handle conflict with those closest to us without damaging the relationship or going in circles? We discuss why some people avoid conflict while others escalate quickly, how our family of origin shapes the way we handle disagreements, and common triggers for starting conflicts. We discuss: What happens in the brain during conflict Practical conflict-resolution strategies, including the EAR method and the BIFF method Why sometimes the conflict is over before you’re done being angry and how to handle that Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Aaron Steen and Kanade Shinkai for the International Journal of Women's Dermatology: Understanding individual and gender differences in conflict resolution: A critical leadership skill Peter Reuell for the Harvard Gazette: Resolving conflict: Men vs. women Danya Rumore for the University of Utah Environmental Dispute Resolution Program blog: The power of calm when dealing with conflict Bill Eddy for the High Conflict Institute: How to Avoid Getting Hooked by High Conflict Behavior Bill Eddy for the High Conflict Institute: Calming Upset People Fast with EAR Bill Eddy for the High Conflict Institute: How To Write A BIFF Response® Emily Pinto for Katie Couric Media: How To Handle Conflict Without Damaging Your Relationships What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our previous episodes about dynamics with our parenting partners. Do you feel like the odd parent out in your house? Or do your kids want only you to do everything with them all the time? A listener in ⁠our Facebook group⁠ asked: "Is there an episode about one parent having a very different relationship with a child than the other parent? My 12yo and I seem to have a pretty functional (not perfect) relationship, but he and my hubs seem to end up arguing constantly. Thought at first it was a phase, but if it is, it’s a LOOOOONG one. Would love some perspective on this!" Margaret and Amy discuss: How preferential treatment plays out in younger vs. older kids Why kids save their worst behavior for their primary caregiver Which one of them is conflict-averse and who's conflict-attracted (one guess which is which) Preferring one parent over the other can be developmentally appropriate, but there are times when ganging up on one parent can become too much and needs some course correction. Links! Our episode "⁠When Kids Prefer the Other Parent Over You (Or You Over Them)"⁠ Ryan C. Martin for McSweeney's: "⁠GOOD PARENTS CAPITALIZE ON THEIR INDIVIDUAL STRENGTHS. MY WIFE’S IS SEEING TO OUR KIDS’ EVERY NEED, AND MINE IS ROUGHHOUSING⁠" Marni Feuerman for VeryWell Family: ⁠"How to Cope With Parenting Differences"⁠ Mariah Maddox for Motherly: ⁠"If your kids act differently with you than dad, you’re not imagining it"⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What if kids didn't need chore charts and constant supervision in order to participate in the lives of their households? What if the "mental load" was seen as a family-wide issue, where everyone could contribute to the solution? Sam Kelly, creator of the "Notice and Do" method and author of the new book NOTICE AND DO: Raise Capable Kids, End Motherhood Burnout, and Lighten Your Mental Load, is here to tell us there's another way. Amy and Sam discuss: The "delegator trap"—why constantly assigning tasks keeps moms responsible for the "noticing" Using a "learning ladder" to teach kids of all ages how to take over household tasks, step by step Handling the pushback you might receive as you roll out the "notice and do" method How kids who "notice and do" have agency and take initiative beyond the walls of your home Here's where you can find Sam: https://hellosamkelly.com @samkelly_world on IG Buy NOTICE AND DO: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780063460911 What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What have 10 years of doing this podcast taught us about being better parents? In this, our 1,000th episode(!), we look back at the biggest parenting lessons we’ve learned from a decade of conversing with guests, listeners, and each other. Thank you for listening and being on this parenting journey with us! We also reference some of our favorite interviews: our Fresh Take interview with Dr. Siggie Cohen our Fresh Take interview with Dr. Lynyetta Willis our Fresh Take interview with KC Davis What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our previous episodes about dynamics with our parenting partners. We asked the listeners in ⁠our Facebook group⁠ about all the times they caught their spouses being awesome, and here are just a few: supporting their partners through difficult career choices. Reading up on issues that affect their kids. Learning how to do their kids' hair. Awesome parenting partners, all! Here are links to the resources mentioned in the episode: ⁠"Flying the Coop" episode from Reply All podcast⁠ (Margaret's rec) ⁠Our Fresh Take episode with Matthew Fray on Strengthening Our Relationships⁠ ⁠The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children⁠, by Ross Greene ⁠Check out our merch!⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trigger warning: On today's episode we will be discussing pregnancy loss, abortion, and maternal death. Please be advised if those topics are difficult for you. What happens when pregnancy complications become a life-threatening emergency? Margaret’s sister Anne joins us to share her powerful story of nearly dying from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Margaret and Anne discuss: What an ectopic pregnancy is and why it can become life-threatening How Anne's experience connects to the current landscape of abortion restrictions The challenges doctors may face when treating ectopic pregnancies and other pregnancy emergencies, given current abortion bans Why policies made far from the exam room can have profound consequences for women and their doctors Here is the ProPublica article referenced in the episode, by Andrea Suozzo and Agnel Philip: Ectopic Pregnancy Deaths Have Nearly Doubled. It’s Worse in States With Abortion Bans. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices