S3E7: How Social Support Increases Our Resilience to Loss with Pat Hiller

In this episode, I speak with Pat Hiller. She was directly introduced to me by my mother’s friend. My mother and her friend are both active with At Home Alexandria, which describes themselves as a community for support, enrichment and fun for neighbors that are 55 and older. This episode covers topics that may be triggering for some people. [TW: SI, mention of su*c*de]. Pat had two, long, loving marriages, the first for more than 30 years and the second one just shy of 30. Unfortunately, she had to experience both of her husbands passing away, as well as several other people that were near and dear to her. She also had to deal with the impact that these deaths had on her and her family. She was kind enough to share her experience. In this episode we talk about: How she met each of her husbands through her social network The impact that being a primary caregiver had on that network throughout her life Her memories about what helped her through the loss of Arturo, her first husband Reflections on two different group therapy experiences The support network that her late husband Ron cultivated throughout his life The role that neighbors and hobbies have played for both of them in building relationships

In this episode, I speak with Khusraw Razbaan Ahmadzai. He is a friend and colleague of my partner. While I've had the pleasure of seeing him on zoom often, we've never actually met in person. Razbaan is a proud dad as well as a network and systems engineer. He spent his early childhood in Kabul, Afghanistan before moving to Islamabad, Pakistan during the civil war in the early 90s. He returned to Afghanistan in the early 2000s and eventually relocated to the US. In this episode we talk about: What it's like to grow up in a typical Afghan family What it feels like to be part of a community displaced by war The role of the Afghan diaspora in his childhood How networks allowed him to access professional opportunities as the situation in his home country evolved He reflects on his learnings and shares recommendations he has for others facing displacement

In this episode, I speak with Karsang Tamang. We met when he approached me at Bamboo Lodge in the Langtang valley of Nepal and convinced me to hire his father as a porter. His father was a fantastic guide and I had the opportunity to meet his mother and other relatives in their village, Thulo Syafru. Karsang and his family grew up relatively poor by Nepalese standards. Eventually they had enough money for his father to build a house on land he inherited from his father. It's at the intersection of two popular trekking routes north of Kathmandu near the Tibetan border. On April 25th 2015 a 7.8 magnitude earthquake struck Nepal, which was the deadliest in over 80 years. This terrible natural disaster killed almost 9k, injured 22k and made an estimated 3.5M people homeless. Near Karsang's village in Langtang valley, it triggered an avalanche burying an entire village. Most of the buildings in Thulo Syafru were also destroyed. In this episode we talk about: What village life is like in rural Nepal What happened to him and his family when the earthquake struck He explains how people in the community organised themselves in the hours, days, and weeks following the disaster He shares the important role that foreign connections played during that time He also shares how the community has changed as a result of this event

In this episode, I speak with Guang Ming Whitley. She is married to a friend of mine from university. He introduced me to her when I passed through Los Angeles on business many years ago. Guang Ming wears many hats. She's the CEO of the Whitley household and stayed home for many years to raise 4 wonderful children. She has written both fiction and non-fiction books. She is also an elected official in her local town council. Most recently, she co-founded Aenea, a mentorship program for young adults. In this episode we talk about: How deciding to become a stay at home mom impacted her relationships Some of the changes she noticed in her network as she had more children and they aged How her and her family navigated the challenges of finding people they all wanted to spend time with The importance of networks for young adults When she thinks it's a good time for young adults to start cultivating networks of their own

In this episode, I speak with Max Dickins. He reached out to me directly on Twitter after seeing a post about The Reliants Project. Max is an Author, Playwright, Actor, Presenter & Comedian. His latest book is called Improvise, which helps people learn how to handle whatever comes their way at work using simple rules and techniques from improv. He is currently researching friendship and loneliness. In this episode we talk about: The moment that he noticed that his network wasn't as strong as he'd like it to be How he audited his network to understand how it had changed over time How he and his fiance think about the various relationships in their lives and how their networks differ Some of the new strategies he has implemented to nurture relationships What type of inner work he thinks is critical to building quality friendships We also talk about some of his thoughts on loneliness and masculinity

In this episode, I speak with Nina Hobson. She reached out directly after seeing a post about The Reliants Project on LinkedIn. Nina is no stranger to relocation. She has lived in 10 countries on 4 continents and has moved countless times. She also writes The Expater, a blog that shares what it’s like to live abroad to help make it more accessible to others. In this episode we talk about: The challeges she faced the first time she moved to a new country What she does to plan for a move today Why it’s sometimes necessary to throw that plan out the window upon arrival Her strategies for making friends in new places How she thinks about local and non-local friends in her life

In season 3, we’ll turn individuals who have experienced specific life events that shaped their networks. Some of these events will be very common, like getting engaged or having children. Some of them will be less common, like experiencing the death of a partner or being displaced by war. In each conversation, we’ll hear how that person dealth with that experience in their own words and what it has taught them about the role of relationships and community in their lives. One of the most common events that impact our networks is changing jobs. You need to step beyond your core network to weaker ties in order to access new opportunities. Those new roles also reshape your network. Steve jobs is famous for saying you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. Many people string together their past experiences into a convenient narrative that often masks the serendipity in their journey. Let me paint a picture of my professional journey so far through the lens of networks in order to help bring this idea to life.

In this episode, Georgie and I focus on conversations any of us might have when we are maintaining a relationship or hoping to harness it in support of a specific objective. These types of chats often happen when you have news to share or realise that the other person might be able to help you reach a goal. We call these 'maintenance' conversations because they help to maintain the relationship between two people. Georgie and I try out 3 different types of maintenance conversations in this episode In the first conversation, I've reached out because I want to share news with her about a change in my life In the second one, she has reached out to ask for an introduction to someone I happen to know In the third conversation, one of us has reached out because we hadn't spoken to the other person in many months Just like before, after each example conversation, we point out the things that we think are helpful and some of the patterns we see emerge between these chats and previous ones in this series

In this episode, Georgie and I focus on first-time conversations with someone when a specific context has been layed out. These types of chats often happen when you’ve been directly introduced to someone or have met someone because you are each representing organisations with a specific objective in mind. We still label these conversations as forming because there is an opportunity to build a relationship with the other person, but sometimes the context takes centre stage and you forget to explore other ways to connect meaningfully with them. Georgie and I try out 3 different ways of having the conversation with context: First, I dive directly into the reason for us meeting and bypass any exploratory conversation Second, we create space at the beginning of the discussion for exploration before shifting gears to the intended context Third, we meander our way through the discussion and touch on the initial context for the conversation at a high level, but there’s no abrupt transition from the exploratory portion of the conversation to the planned focus Like last time, we talk about what we noticed in the dialog after each example. We highlight the pros and cons of each strategy and how it might influence outcomes.

In this episode, Georgie and I focus on first-time conversations when there’s very little context. These types of chats can happen when you’re standing in line somewhere or have been sent to a virtual breakout room at a conference. We call them forming conversations because there’s an opportunity to form a connection with the other person, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. With each example, try not to focus on the content on the conversation. Instead, notice what types of questions we ask, how we answer them, and how we connect one topic to another. We hope you identify things that you want to try next time you’re in the same situation. Georgie and I try out 3 different ways of kickstarting the conversation: First, we explore how you can take a simple, standard question like “How are you?” and use it as a springboard to a more interesting discussion Second, we try asking a question specific to the moment in order to illicit a non-standard response and give us insight into the other persons interests or values Third, we start with a statement to invite them into a dialog more subtly After each example, we talk about what we noticed in the conversation and how that influenced the direction and what we surfaced. We highlight effective strategies that you can use when you’re speaking to someone for the first time. We talk about specific ways to end the conversation and how to ask for the opportunity to connect again