Deep Listening Skills with Tessa and Julia

In this episode Galia shares: * introducing creative writing in a women's shelter * creating a safe enough space to share personal experience * building trust within your circle * creating a space for creative feedback * how best to provide creative writing feedback in circle * the value of writing as an alternative to speaking * the importance of having appropriately trained individuals in trauma spaces * creating a safe enough container - the closed writing circle * creating your writing theme: meaningful writing from the heart * how to promote your writing circle * the ambitious writer in circle * the joy of listening to stories unfold

In this episode, Tessa and Julia: - gave two examples of settling practices to prepare the ground for listening - discussed the importance of caring for people's nervous systems as part of a circle - showed how your vulnerability may make it safer for others to share - shared guidelines that are essential for creating the container for deep listening - explored how pacing the sharing is important, including having time for people to listen to their thoughts before sharing aloud - how using a talking object can slow down turn taking - the role of the disrupter to listen to discomfort / undercurrents in the circle - a listening circle provides a different space that coaching or counselling - there can be value in not reflecting back or asking further questions - use of pairs and triads in the group setting to support deep listening skills - shared the possibility of people talking side-by-side rather than face-to-face to support listening -

In this episode, Tessa and Julia shared how they brought the end of the year to their circles with ideas of practices you might use for the Winter Solstice, the New Year or the ending of a series of circle sessions.

If you're new to the Circle Holding podcast, this episode will give you a glimpse into the interviews with diverse circle facilitators in Series 3.

Alex and Julia talked about: • First encountered circles at Church with age group and older facilitator • Came back to circle in his thirties with a lot more life experience • Was a journalist in lifestyle and wellbeing who attended a circle out of curiosity and to write an article, to being asked to host one • Started with a one hour circle for 6-8 weeks • Is inspired by Men’s Speak, men’s circles in London • Did a Mental Health First Aid Course, then coaching, then as a therapist, which opened doors into schools • Did group work in schools with those who found the structure of school difficult- it gave space to relax and let their guard down • One of guidelines was to be responsible for the group rather than being disruptive and stopping others from benefiting from the group • Delivered ‘Becoming a man’ programme, part of Youth Guidance (US initiated) until funding withdrawn by government • Shared programme through assembly and boys consented to participating through signed agreement • There has to be buy-in from teachers and parents

Julia and Tessa talk about the importance of the welcome to circle, including the pre-circle preparation and how welcomes might differ according to your demographic.

Sophie and Tessa talked about: • Moving away from right and wrong dynamics to a different way of engaging • Restorative justice addresses harm after it has happened e.g. working with local police • Restorative practice is about every interaction, shifting out of who’s right and wrong and to what really matters and how can we move forwards • I-messaging means talking from my personal experience rather than you language or how it is (as if factual) – what’s true for me is indisputable and allows space for difference • Speaking from multiple social truths • Move away from divisive, binary debating to what matters • Important to create a container for this different style of communicating, which involves getting consent to work WITH people rather than do a process to people • Where there is conflict, a risk assessment needs to be done to determine if there is a willingness to shift – can ask, “What needs are being met by not moving and what needs are not being met by moving your views?” • Having enough support is critical for facilitators – lack of support can show up as physical symptoms • Debriefing helps to process the facilitation and move from reactivity to memory • Constantly trying to prove rightness and wrongness is costly in terms of your nervous system • Circle spaces can create a more equal space than other set ups – important to become ‘power literate’ • ‘Flat’ organisations usually hide power dynamics • Ways of dealing with power differentials could be to decide the order in which people speak or not having everyone speak • Want to avoid ‘group think’ where focus on sameness rather than making space for difference, although it’s understandable to focus on sameness to ensure belonging where there’s less power • Bringing authenticity into communication is countercultural! E.g. Not to slip into saying “I’m fine” when you’re not. • I-messaging is a way to be authentic and belong

In this episode, Tessa and Julia talked about facilitating appropriate vulnerability, considering how the fear of vulnerability can be a real barrier to attending a talking circle, but when being vulnerable in a safe space can be incredibly empowering.

In this interview Rob and Julia discussed: • How Rob came to attend his first circle • Had transferable skills from being a personal trainer, knew how to give person space to speak • Co-facilitates the circle at Uncommon Man – bring different skills and give each other support e.g. debriefing and planning • Also has support through Whatsapp group with other men’s circle facilitators • Charges for men’s monthly circle and a lot of this goes back into promoting sessions, including having a videographer there for marketing e.g. clips of breathwork to demystify what happens at the circle • For venues, think of spaces like offices that aren’t used in the evenings or co-working environments that may wish to support mental health • Tips on how to get started with a men’s group • Important to include moments of comedic relief in circles ie humour • Relaxed start with non-alcoholic beers and music playing (also a guideline not to bring alcohol or arrive inebriated) • With 20-25 men, will get agreement to guidelines with a hand raise • After initial circle, go to triads because less intimidating than 121 because can move eye contact between the two others • After group share with 5-10 people sharing, do breathwork session and final group share (time for everyone to speak) • Do breathwork because it’s a powerful way to help release emotion • Advice to new facilitator would be to have someone there to support you e.g. in setting space up, doesn’t have to be a co-facilitator and to give it a go with three friends.