178: You Can't Run From Your Past: Why Healing Is The Best Way Forward with Jason VanRuler

Ever caught yourself scrolling through your phone while your child's voice fades into the background? Yup! Us too. Let's face it, the era of smartphones has us all hooked. But did you know that this habit might be doing more harm than good to our kids? Distracted parenting isn't just about not hearing their stories—it's about the message we send about their value to us. In Episode 182, Daniel and Christina breakdown the costs of distracted parenting and discuss how we can respond to our children's bids for attention to foster intimacy and connection. In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Distracted parenting and its impact on children Importance of being present and engaged with children Examples of distracted parenting scenarios Emotional impact of distracted parenting on children Responding to children's bids for attention and connection Role of empathy in nurturing intimacy with children Practical tips for parents to improve engagement with children Creating undistracted time to fully engage with children Modeling attentive behavior in interactions with others Resources Mentioned In This Episode: Episode 36: Netiquette: Teaching Our Kids Online Manners Episode 62: Parenting In Our Digital Age The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place by Andy Crouch For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode182 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Daniel and Christina explore the nuances of apologizing in relationships by discussing the 5 Apology Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. They delve into the emotional depth of expressing regret, the challenge of accepting responsibility without excuses, the significance of making restitution to show sincerity, and the commitment required for planned change to rebuild trust. Through personal anecdotes and practical advice, they underscore the importance of understanding and using these apology languages to foster forgiveness and reconciliation with the ones you love. In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Importance of apologies in relationships What "fake" apologies are and what to watch out for The 5 Apology Languages: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planned change, and requesting forgiveness How forgiveness and trust are not to be equated Ways to discover your apology language and the apology language of others Resources Mentioned In This Episode: The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret To Healthy Relationships by Dr. Gary Chapman Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner Listen to our previous episode about The 7 New Love Languages and 4 Steps To Get Your Love Language Heard Do you need more help with learning to apologies? Listen to our previous episode: Do You Suck At Apologies? Here Are 4 Steps To Healing Hurts With Your For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode181 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Daniel and Christina delve into the complexities of resolving conflicts in a marriage, particularly in the presence of children. They discuss the importance of empathy, active listening, and collaboration in handling disagreements, and share personal anecdotes and strategies for effective communication. They also talk about the impact of parental conflict resolution on children, emphasizing the need for transparency and the creation of a safe space for family discussions. The episode offers practical advice for couples to navigate marital conflicts constructively while fostering a positive environment for their kids. In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Healthy conflict resolution within a marriage Impact of conflict on children Importance of active listening and empathy Personal experiences and challenges in conflict resolution Solutions-focused therapy techniques Value of validating and empathizing with one's spouse Developing empathy as a skill Collaborative aspect of conflict resolution Impact of healthy conflict resolution on children Creating a safe environment for discussing conflicts with children Timestamps: Is it okay to fight in front of the kids? (00:00:01) Exploring the impact of parental conflict on children and the nuances of healthy conflict resolution within a marriage. The generational effect of parental conflict (00:00:57) The impact of parental conflict on children's perceptions of relationships and the importance of modeling healthy conflict resolution. The harmful effects of hostile conflicts (00:02:13) The negative impact of frequent hostile conflicts on children and the signs that a relationship needs help. Gottman approach to conflict resolution (00:04:47) Understanding the concept of perpetual problems in relationships and the goal of regulating, rather than resolving, conflicts. Listening and being heard (00:06:00) The importance of active listening and summarization in conflict resolution, fostering constructive dialogue and mutual understanding. Empathy and perspective taking (00:13:33) The role of empathy in conflict resolution, its impact on emotional well-being, and fostering a deeper connection in relationships. Empathy and perspective taking (00:18:39) The importance of empathy and perspective-taking in conflict resolution and share practical techniques for validation and understanding. Collaborative conflict resolution (00:21:13) The significance of collaboration in conflict resolution, highlighting the need for mutual willingness to find sustainable solutions and the benefits of brainstorming together. Transparency and family dynamics (00:25:40) The segment explores the educational value of children witnessing healthy conflict resolution, emphasizing the resilience of relationships and the importance of transparent communication within the family. Repairing relationships (00:28:02) The importance of explicit communication and repair in the aftermath of conflicts, emphasizing the impact of parental transparency on children's understanding and emotional well-being. Resources Mentioned In This Episode: Need to learn how to fight well? Listen to our previous episodes about conflict resolution. A Conflict-Free Marriage Is Not The Goal How To Fight With Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage How To Repair Your Relationship After A Big Fight Enneagram and Communication Styles  Resolving Conflict with the Enneagram Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by Drs John and Julie Gottman For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode180 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Daniel and Christina discuss strategies for deepening love in your relationship. They explore how to address complaints constructively, repair conflicts, and avoid contempt. They also highlight the role of physical touch, expressing gratitude, and the power of forgiveness in strengthening marital bonds. The episode provides practical advice and personal insights for couples looking to enhance their relationship and foster a deeper connection. In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Addressing complaints without blame in a marriage Repairing conflicts and distinguishing between solvable and perpetual conflicts Sticking to the issues during arguments and avoiding contemptuous behaviour Understanding underlying emotions and addressing unmet needs in relationships Extending the time between feeling, thinking, and speaking in a relationship The significance of physical touch and the impact of oxytocin on reducing stress hormones Growing fondness and admiration in a marriage through gratitude and appreciation Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood and the role of forgiveness Practicing apologizing and forgiving in a marriage Timestamps: Share your complaint without pointing fingers (00:07:41) Discussing the difference between sharing complaints and criticizing your spouse, emphasizing the importance of addressing specific issues. Repair conflicts with skill (00:11:14) Exploring the concept of solvable and perpetual conflicts in relationships and the significance of addressing and bouncing back from disagreements. Stick to talking about the issues at hand (00:12:37) Emphasizing the importance of avoiding name-calling, personal attacks, and contempt in arguments, and the need to understand underlying emotions. The impact of contempt on relationships (00:15:07) Exploring the destructive nature of contempt in relationships, its role as a predictor of divorce, and the need to avoid displaying contemptuous behavior. Recognizing and addressing signs of contempt (00:16:26) Discussing how contempt can develop over time in relationships and the importance of recognizing and addressing signs of contemptuous behavior. Moving toward reconciliation and repairing (00:17:26) Highlighting the significance of acknowledging and apologizing for displaying contemptuous behavior and moving towards reconciliation and repairing the relationship. Extending the space between feelings and thoughts (00:17:48) Discussing how to extend the time between feeling anger and reacting, to respond instead. Showing love through physical touch (00:19:26) Exploring the benefits of physical touch in relationships and the impact of a six-second kiss. Growing fondness and admiration (00:21:18) Encouraging the practice of expressing gratitude and appreciation for one's spouse's positive qualities. Seeking first to understand and then to be understood (00:23:04) Emphasizing the importance of active listening and understanding in communication. Practicing apologizing and forgiving (00:28:19) Discussing the significance of forgiveness and the process of seeking and granting forgiveness in relationships. Conclusion and episode recap (00:31:56) Summarizing the six ways to deepen love in marriage and expressing gratitude to the audience. Resources Mentioned In This Episode: Learn the difference between perpetual and solvable conflicts and how to handle each of them:  A Conflict-Free Marriage Is Not The Goal  How To Fight With Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage How To Repair Your Relationship After A Big Fight Learn about the importance of turning toward your spouse and responding to their "bids" What 15 Years Of Marriage Has Taught Us The 4 Keys To Long-Term Sexual Satisfaction For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode179 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Jason VanRuler, a therapist and author, discusses the transformative power of facing one's past. He shares his personal journey from a troubled childhood to professional success, highlighting the importance of self-reflection and seeking help to overcome recurring life challenges. Daniel and Christina explore with Jason the various ways individuals can begin addressing their issues, whether through therapy, journaling, or simply talking to a trusted friend. Jason emphasizes that healing from the past involves changing our relationship with it, reducing its emotional intensity, and no longer allowing it to dictate our present and future. In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Importance of confronting brokenness and the past Impact of childhood experiences on adult behaviour Promises individuals make to themselves that may keep them stuck Jason's personal journey from a challenging environment to becoming a therapist and author Why we need to address and change our relationship with the past Paths forward for confronting brokenness, including seeking therapy, journaling, and talking to others Importance of community and connection in the healing process What it looks like to be healed from our past Meet Jason VanRuler: Jason began his career in 2011 and has worked with many populations over the years, ranging from persons who are incarcerated to top CEOs, performers and artists, and just about everyone in between. Jason has extensive experience as a clinician, coach, and speaker and operates a multistate private practice. In 2018, Jason joined Bethesda Workshops in Nashville, TN, where he serves as a group leader and facilitator. Jason is known for his ability to relate and connect with his clients and offer hope to those who have felt hopeless. He has an engaged and rapidly growing online audience for his insightful, short videos sharing practical tips for psychological care, self-help, and healthy relationships. Jason enjoys spending time with his wife and three children playing games and traveling. In his spare time, Jason enjoys cycling, running, music, fly fishing, and all things personal development related. For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode178 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Daniel and Christina discuss the importance of discipleship at home. They emphasize the need for parents to set an example in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity, and discuss how children can sometimes guide and correct their parents. Sharing personal experiences, they explore the significance of aligning actions with words, as children learn more from what we do than what we say. They also discuss the importance of personal growth and helping children grow in these areas, and the role of spiritual disciplines in this process. They conclude by reflecting on the need for genuine faith and a consistent relationship with God. In this episode, you'll hear about the following: Importance of discipleship at home Setting an example for children in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity Grounding children in the truth of God's word Parents being open to their children as a source of guidance and correction Repairing relationships and apologizing to children Aligning actions with words Importance of personal growth and helping children grow Prioritizing worship and gathering as a church community Practicing spiritual disciplines and developing well-worn pathways in the brain For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode177 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Canadian Certified Counsellor Nadine Crain discusses the impact of purity culture on parenthood. She explains the origins and effects of purity culture, highlighting how it emphasized abstinence and tied a person's worth to their sexual purity. Nadine emphasizes the need to develop a healthier relationship with our bodies. Also, she discusses the importance of communication with our bodies and how to navigate the tension between teaching a biblical ethic around sexuality while avoiding the harmful aspects of purity culture.  In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Impact of purity culture on parenthood Origins and long-term effects of purity culture on individuals How to develop a healthier relationship with our bodies Importance of recognizing and acknowledging our bodies Communication with our bodies and addressing past traumas Navigating the tension between biblical ethics and harmful aspects of purity culture in parenting Resources Mentioned In This Episode: Christian Counsellor's Network Nadine's website Nadine's Instagram Picture/Children’s books: “Bodies are Cool” by Tyler Feder “It’s My Body!” by Elise Gravel Books for Parents Personal Healing and Learning: Faithful: A Theology of Sex, by Beth Felker Jones The Wisdom of Your Body: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection through Embodied Living, by Hillary L. McBride, PhD Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our Way to Healing, by Jay Stringer Meet Nadine Crain: Nadine is a Canadian Certified Counsellor with a Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Nadine is a pastor’s wife, and has served in ministry with her husband Brandon for the past 13 years. They live in Edmonton, AB, and have three daughters. Nadine’s passion is helping Christians connect their mental, emotional, and spiritual health with how they live and experience their bodies. In her counselling practice Nadine works with couples and individuals who are struggling with anxiety, emotional regulation, recovering from religious trauma, or struggling with sexual intimacy and communication. Nadine also offers Pre-Marital Counselling, and presentations for church groups. While completing her Master’s degree, Nadine chose to research “How Purity Culture Has Impacted the Self-Esteem, Sexuality and Spirituality of Evangelical Women.” Her findings from that project have inspired the trajectory of her counselling practice and ministry. For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode176 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We interview Dr. Bob Paul about the concept of intensive marriage therapy and how it differs from traditional counselling. Bob explains the advantages of intensive therapy, such as addressing core issues and providing a focused environment for couples to work through their challenges. He also discusses the person-centred approach of their program, prioritizing the well-being of individuals while building healthy relationships. Bob addresses the suitability of intensive therapy for couples and emphasizes the importance of investing in relationships. In This Episode, You'll Hear About The Following: Intensive marriage therapy vs traditional weekly counselling sessions Advantages of intensive therapy  Importance of individuals being whole and healthy for successful relationships Self-care and honouring God to bring the best selves to marriage and family Suitability for intensive therapy or traditional counselling The definition of a great marriage Resources, opportunities, and aftercare support provided by the program Recognizing when a couple is drifting apart and investing in the relationship Seeking professional help for couples hanging by a thread Resources Mentioned In This Episode: Hope Restored Marriage Intensive in Canada   https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.ca/ Hope Restored Marriage Intensive in the USA   https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com/ The DNA of Relationships for Couples by Greg Smalley and Robert Paul - https://amzn.to/3M9TKng 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free - Robert Paul and Greg Smalley https://amzn.to/4041D3c Restoring Hope - Robert Paul, Robert Burbee, Christine Arnzen https://amzn.to/3S2knhM Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Marriage - Greg and Erin Smalley https://amzn.to/3QtDIHz Meet Dr. Bob Paul: Dr. Robert Paul is the vice president of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute. He is also one of the founders of its highly acclaimed Hope Restored marriage intensive programs. He is a licensed professional counselor, an international speaker, and co-author of a number of books including The DNA of Relationships and 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage. For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode175 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dannah Gresh shares her personal story of navigating her husband's addiction to pornography in their marriage. She discusses the impact it had on their relationship and the importance of seeking help and support. Dannah emphasizes the role of faith and the Holy Spirit in the healing process, highlighting the need for God's power in overcoming addiction. She also talks about the importance of forgiveness, trust, and the journey she and her husband took together to heal from the hurt and pain of infidelity. In This Episode, You'll Hear About: The Power of Honesty and Accountability: Dannah's emphasizes the importance of open discussions about struggles and establishing accountability. It's crucial to prevent addiction from becoming a source of comfort. The Role of Faith: Dannah's shares a powerful moment of divine intervention that led them to seek help. She underscores the importance of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God in the healing process, believing that without them, traditional therapy has limited efficacy. The Journey of Healing: Dannah's story highlights the need for individual healing. She shares a powerful analogy about taking responsibility for her own healing, rather than relying solely on her husband. The Impact on the Church: Dannah discusses the devastating impact of pornography on the church and the need for open dialogue. She believes the church should be a sanctuary where people can find freedom from addiction. The Process of Rebuilding Trust: Dannah acknowledges that forgiveness and trust are interconnected but do not necessarily happen simultaneously. She uses the analogy of "putting cookies in the cookie jar" to describe the process of rebuilding trust through consistent actions and behaviors. Other Episodes That May Interest You: How to Talk to Your Kids About Porn with Dr. Simon Sheh Will Porn Ruin My Marriage? with Dr. Simon Sheh Porn-Proofing Your Child with Rosie Mackinney My Spouse is Addicted to Porn with Rosie Mackinney For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode174 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In Episode 173, we interview Christa Hardin about the Enneagram and how this tool can deepen the love you have for one another. We discuss the importance of individual work and creating a safe environment in relationships. Christa explains the concept of seasons in marriage, comparing them to the changing seasons in nature. She emphasizes the need for couples to engage in deeper relational work during challenging times. We also discuss Christa's book, "The Enneagram in Marriage," which explores the different pairings of Enneagram types and provides tips for navigating the shadows and afterglow stages of each pairing. She shares how the Enneagram can help couples identify their core fears and work on them together.  In This Episode, You Will Hear About: Importance of doing individual work in relationships Creating a safe environment in relationships The concept of seasons in marriage Comparison of seasons in marriage to changing seasons in nature The stages and seasons of marriage as described in "The Enneagram in Marriage" Engaging in deeper immersion work during difficult seasons in marriage Using Enneagram types to understand and meet emotional needs in marriage Benefits of using the Enneagram in couples' work Meet Christa Hardin: Christa Hardin, MA is a relationship expert, author, as well as host of the popular Enneagram & Marriage Podcast. Christa has been working with and researching marriage for two decades, providing hope for couples who are struggling to find their light, love, and mission together in any season of relationship.  Her most recent title, "The Enneagram in Marriage: Your Guide to Thriving Together in Your Unique Pairing," is due out with Baker Books October 3. You can catch up with her at @enneagramandmarriage on Instagram or find her many resources over at www.enneagramandmarriage.com For the full show notes, including discussion prompts for you as a couple about this episode, go to IMbetween.org/episode173 Connect with us on: Facebook | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices