Dating Encouragement - Part One

In part two, I explore how dating fatigue can leave us brittle, resentful, and quick to snap! I share my own experiences and suggestions for how to maintain a more “supple” approach.~THE OVEREXERTION CHECK-INAsk yourself, “does this feel effortful?”NO → Hooray! Crack on with dating. YES → Ask yourself, “what do I need to feel relaxed and replenished?” A good night’s sleep/a week off the apps/time with people I love/doing something uplifting. Now, ask yourself, “do I feel replenished and able to date from a lighter place?YES → Wup wup! Crack on with dating. NO → Give yourself more time, care and connection until the answer is yes.~It’s easy for dating apps to become a habit. Something we do reflexively.It’s easy to rebrand this habit as proof of our commitment to looking for love, when actually we’re a bit addicted to the chemical hit our brains get when we engage with the apps. That’s what they’re designed to do.But we get to choose how to use them. We get to rest when we’re weary. We get to treat them in a way that feels light and hopeful.Because when we’re in that lighter energy, things unfold so much more effortlessly.Wishing you a week of ease and abundance.~Links to more good stuff:Your free Dating Care Package: https://www.datingsolidarity.comInstagram shenanigans: https://www.instagram.com/datingsolidarityAn uplifting audio library: https://www.datingsolidarity.com/companionaudiosOne-to-one dating support:https://www.datingsolidarity.com/booking-calendar/solidarity-session This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Dating was a veritable merry-go-round. Riding my trusty rusty steeds Hope and Disappointment in an endless loop. Oscillating between giddy highs, convinced I’d found my soulmate, and nauseating lows, convinced I’d be single forever.If you can relate to any of this, I have an idea!I want to see what happens if we meet our reactive thoughts and offer them a companion. Instead of trying to override and eliminate them, we invite a level-headed buddy with a fresh perspective to walk alongside them.Here are some suggestions…Reactive thought:Dating robs me of my peace; therefore it’s not worth it.Companion thought:Dating is an opportunity to meet someone spectacularly wonderful who enriches my life. I can date on my own terms, protecting my peace, whilst looking for love.Reactive thought:Dating involves too much admin. It’s soul-destroying, time-consuming and depressing. Imma gunna resign myself to the single life, get me a moggy.Companion thought:I get to choose how I spend my time. I can make dating admin a tiny part of my life, so it doesn’t drain me. I can treat it lightly. I can stay fresh and relaxed, having an occasional peek and some low-stakes chats. Keeping a toe in to see if my lovely connection is ready to present itself. Just a curious, friendly lil toe.Reactive thought:I can’t handle any more disappointment.Companion thought:Disappointment is hard to handle. I can do hard things. BUT I don’t have to do anything hard right now. I can rest and recover, seeking out softness and gentle pleasures. There is no rush. I can replenish my inner stores. I can go slowly and tenderly.Reactive thought:I’m running out of time.Companion thought:The shape of my future is a glorious mystery. I have no idea of the delight that awaits. Sometimes what I get is even better than I could have planned, pictured or imagined.Reactive thought:Nobody wants me.Companion thought:I’m currently meeting people who are better suited to others. I haven’t crossed paths with MY person YET. My person won’t just want me; they’ll adore me. They’ll spend the rest of their life making me feel loved, cherished and celebrated. Ooh baby, that’s worth the tedious wait. Yes siree.Reactive thought:People in relationships have a much easier time.Companion thought:People in challenging relationships face painful endings and tough times to get to where I’m at right now. I’m on the precipice of something delicious, and there’s nothing standing in my way.Reactive thought:Good things happen to other people.Companion thought:The best experiences of my life are waiting for me. The type of love that makes my entire body light up is around the corner. One day it’s going to pop its lovely head round that corner with a massive grin, race towards me, sweep me off my feet and blow my bloody socks off. Yippppeeeeee!Reactive thought:Dating is like looking for a needle in a haystack. The best I can hope for is the cream of the dregs because all the good ones are taken.Companion thought:Dating is like going on a treasure hunt. I’m fabulous proof that exceptional, committed, loving people are single right now and looking for love. So, let’s grab me parrot and go find some treasure. Arharr!~Ooh, I have bloody loved writing these. I could go on and on. Maybe I’ll make this a series. If you’d like a:Dating Care Package https://www.datingsolidarity.com, Companion Audios https://www.datingsolidarity.com/companionaudios, One-To-One Chat https://www.datingsolidarity.com/booking-calendar/solidarity-session, I’ve got you. Everything in life is improved with a nice bit of company, so I am here, with solidarity and pom poms, cheering you on as you travel towards your great love story. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Here’s a summary of five things I think are worth remembering when looking for love:1. Acceptance, curiosity and self-compassion will help you climb out of dating’s potholes and craters.2. Non-romantic connection will sustain you whilst you look for a partner. Seeking connection on an “empty stomach” can lead to regrettable choices. Prioritise the people in your life that make you feel seen, safe and solid.3. If looking for love takes up 75% of your free time and energy, swap it to 25%. Watch your shoulders travel down from your ears, and your breath travel deeper into your belly as things feel less loaded and more supple.4. If you usually go for a particular “type” of person, see what happens if you explore something different in a playful and curious way. Treat yourself to a few dating wildcards. Attraction might emerge and flourish in uncharted territory.5. Remember that the world has all sorts of thrilling surprises up its mysterious little sleeves. The person who ends up feeling just right might not be who you expected. They might be even better.Further resources:Website: https://www.datingsolidarity.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingsolidarity/?hl=enBook a 60 minute one-to-one Solidarity Session: https://www.datingsolidarity.com/booking-calendar/solidarity-session?utm_medium=page_links This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Today’s episode tells two important stories:* Why Dating Solidarity began.* Why meeting “John” in a car park in Keynsham, and having a truly awful date, turned out to be a really good thing. Solidarity Sessions:An hour where you get to share your experiences, release what’s heavy and leave feeling much lighter and more resourced. We can tackle whatever’s coming up right now as well as looking at the bigger picture, unearthing anything that’s blocking love from leaping towards you with wide open arms.To make these 60-minute Solidarity Sessions accessible to as many people as possible, I’m offering an introductory rate of £50 until the end of October.Our time together can be via video call or telephone. We can also talk via WhatsApp voice messages if that works better with your schedule. Just book a slot and drop me a message in the booking notes with your preference.One session might be exactly what you need, or you may want to spend more time together. As long as you book your first session in October, I’ll honour the introductory rate for all ongoing sessions until the end of the year.If this resonates, book your session while they last and we can get things moving in a much more heartening direction.Book your Solidarity Session: https://wix.to/S1hAi6YQuotes from the episode:“We can have lots of wonderful, enriching connections in our life (or not enough because getting older and the modern world makes finding and sustaining connections harder and harder), but sharing a bed, a home, your daily life with someone – those things are uniquely precious and deeply soothing, and the absence of them can be really tough.”“There is so much available for people navigating grief. We have collective compassion for what has been lost. But what about the grief of what hasn’t been found? There’s a void in understanding the depth and complexity of mourning what has not yet arrived. Dating can make you feel like a worried child on the side of a road scared that no one is coming.”“There is a distinct lack of social tenderness for how much looking for love hurts. My deep yearning for children and partnership was a living thing. When I woke, it woke. And began clawing at me, demanding attention. Demanding change. It wanted things I couldn’t provide by myself. It wanted people who needed me.”“When we’re hungry for connection, we want to feel known and understood, not alienated by platitudes. Don’t try to placate me. Just sit with me and let me speak. Let me share. Let this be hard. Let that be valid.”An invitation:What one thing can you do this week that makes it crystal clear that you value your time, your energy and your whole self? What can you say or do that makes it clear to you that you are important and valuable? Because you bloody well are!Further resources:Website: https://www.datingsolidarity.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingsolidarity/?hl=en This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Have you ever been so obsessed with someone that you couldn't think straight? So tangled up in desire that you lose sight of where you end and where they begin?In this episode, I explore limerence – the intense, often involuntary infatuation first named by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence – and why it's so different from a healthy crush or mature love. I share some of my most challenging entanglements. Including a long-term relationship that ended over Zoom (it was actually Skype, but does anyone even remember that?!), a vision board that played an unexpected role, and a first date with a twit who proudly declared he "usually only dates models" but would make an exception for ugly old me. Thanks mate.We talk through what limerence feels like from the inside, why it happens, and the practical tools that helped me move from chasing highs to building something deeper and more secure.Practical tools for breaking the cycle include:- Removing the fuel (muting messages, limiting interaction)- Sticking to facts, not fantasy- Interrupting the “fantasy loop” with a concrete 10-minute activity- Making a “who they actually are vs. what I’ve projected onto them” list- Finding small, genuinely rewarding things unrelated to the person- “No more decoding” – taking messages at face value instead of over-analysing- Reframing rejection as reclaiming your futureMentioned in the episode:* Book: Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tennov (1979)* Book: You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero* The Dating Companion: my audio series, especially When Rejection Has Devastated You, which shares the step-by-step process I used to recover from an obsession with someone I couldn’t bear to let go of https://www.datingsolidarity.com/companionaudios This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

In today’s podcast, I answer two brilliant – and very relatable – questions from listeners:Q. How do you know if something’s a red flag or if your past experiences are clouding your judgment?Q.  How do you know whether it’s worth seeing someone again if your gut’s telling you no, but they’re really kind, and you’re drawn to that, but the chemistry wasn’t there?Here's some guidance for whenever you're in a pickle.~When in doubt, ask yourself:Are you over-correcting?If something doesn’t chime, dig deeper.Are you responding to parts of them, but not the entirety? Are they responding to parts of you, but not the entirety?If there is resistance, how would it feel to honour it?Can you tune in to your gut and how you feel, instead of overthinking?Remember, what’s for you won’t go by you.~If there is resistance, how would it feel to honour it? Are you doing mental gymnastics because of a fear that you could be missing out on something/someone amazing? What if you trusted that the right person will make it clear without you having to do any overthinking?With the right person, it’s easy. It doesn’t mean it’s straightforward. It doesn’t mean it’s immediate. It doesn’t mean it’s uncomplicated. But there’s a link that joins you that is stronger than resistance, stronger than unhelpful old patterns/triggers/dynamics. Trust that you will be able to feel an easy link without having to think. Your gut will know. And if your gut isn’t saying yes, it is safe to listen to it. What’s for you won’t go by you. You don’t have to tie yourself in knots making decisions or enticing someone. With the right connection, you will be drawn together. If that force isn’t at play, you can relax and move forward.~Get your free Dating Care Package at https://www.datingsolidarity.comListen to my Dating Companion audios at https://www.datingsolidarity.com/companionaudiosFollow me on Instagram where I endeavour to lift your spirits daily! https://www.instagram.com/datingsolidarity This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

 Today’s snappy lil episode explores:* What to do when the person you’re chatting to suddenly ghosts you.* The three words that define how successful a relationship will be.I hope it helps. Remember, you’re not the only one navigating these challenges. And there is so much you can do to soothe your nervous system and feel empowered again. You are not alone, and this WILL CHANGE. Wonders never cease and delicious things are waiting for you. It’s just a sticky icky moment. And one that will become a distant memory one day. Meanwhile, sending sooooo much love and solidarity. If you’d like a bit of extra support, check out my Dating Companion audios. And this is Richard E Grant’s glorious post referenced in the episode. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Hello! I hope all’s going well.So, over the last few weeks, whilst dripping with sweat, grateful for the bright, long days, feeling cooked alive and eating far too many ice creams, I’ve been working on lots of exciting new content.Part one is very nearly ready, and part two is on its way.So, over the summer, I’m going to press pause on the podcast while I finish building everything behind the scenes.The podcast will be back in September. But obviously I wouldn’t leave you without some good hearty solidarity, so stay tuned as I'll be sending out my dating care packages next week.Until then, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening, reading and being part of this really special community, which I feel so lucky to be part of.All my love and solidarity. Juliet x This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

1. Never go on a date againInstead, go and chat to someone at a bus stop.I mean this figuratively. What I mean is, every time you go on a date, tell your mind and body that it is not a date. It is simply spending a little bit of time having a chat while you wait for something wonderful. If they surprise you and are something wonderful, absolutely bloody fantastic. But BE IN THE ENERGY of “this is just a bit of company while I wait for my person”. The less you think that they are your person, or could be your person, the more relaxed you are. The more you’re able to see them just as a human being you can be curious about.2. It is not defeatist to be realistic – it is liberatingI was shackled by an oppressive desperation that every date I went on HAD to be my last ever first date because I was sick of looking. This entitled, exhausted, impatient, desperado energy served absolutely no one. Being hopeful and optimistic are great qualities IN GENERAL LIFE. But they can be counterproductive in dating. The likelihood is they are not your person at all. Expect this. And allow yourself to be bowled over if it goes really well. It’s the ultimate case of ‘underpromise and overdeliver’. Keep your expectations low and your friendly curiosity high.3. Approach them like a palPassion and desire can happen if the synergy is there, but friendship is the foundation of every good connection. Talking soul to soul, person to person, is so much more limitless than flirting. Start there. Flirting can come later if the soul connection is good. But if you connect as two human beings first, anything can build. If you start with flirting, you are missing a golden opportunity to actually get to know each other. Have you watched Off Campus? Sex can be so much more gratifying when two people really like each other’s minds as well as their bodies.4. Every date is an opportunity to learn something newWhat are the questions you would love to ask romantic partners but never dare? Ask those questions! Enrich your understanding of the way different people think and experience life. This allows you to be curious instead of vulnerable. Cheerfully indifferent instead of tremulously hopeful. This has so many positives. It makes you a zillion times more attractive because you don’t have ‘pick me’ energy, or ‘I’m absolutely crushed I don’t fancy you’ energy. It allows you to quieten the loud voices of expectation and disappointment and simply chat to someone.5. Utilise the common groundYou share one vital similarity with every single person you date – you’re both dating. You’re both navigating the same world but potentially having very different experiences. Make the most of this opportunity to ask them how they’re finding it. Share stories. The way sometime talks about their experiences is such a valuable insight into how they operate. If they talk negatively about others, that’s very useful information. If they can be open and vulnerable, that’s really good to know.6. Lower the stakesWhether you date three times a week or once in a blue moon, my advice is the same – lower the stakes. If you invest a lot of preparation, it makes the date feel too important. The more we put in, the more we expect to get out. Dating doesn’t work like that. There’s either lovely synergy or there isn’t. This is just a date. Not THE date. Not a chance to prove yourself. Not a chance to impress, seduce, beguile. Not a chance to dehumanise someone just because you’re not attracted to them. Just two people, sharing space for a short period of time while you wait for the bus.7. Meet somewhere you want to go anywayRather than ‘scouting out a location in advance’, do something you’ll enjoy, regardless of the company. Discuss what you both like and do that. Or suggest something you know you’ll enjoy and do that. I hated dating but I very much like having a pint, drinking nice wine, sipping a margarita, devouring cake and ice cream. I wish I’d reframed dates as a chance to a nice thing I always enjoy, with someone who also happens to be looking for love. Not expecting to find it in each other. Not needing to. Just getting to do the tasty thing alongside another person.8. Keep the act of dating separate from your feelings about loveKeep stoking the fires of hope. Keep your vision of love alive and glorious. Keep writing your invitations to love with your beautiful, open heart. But keep those essential, tender practices separate from dating itself. This allows you to stay connected to what you’re looking for. It keeps you in the vibration of love. It keeps your standards beautifully high. It keeps you aligned with what will serve your highest good. Whilst taking all the pressure off this date, this day, this person, this moment being the launchpad to your future joy. Making each date a low-key encounter enables you to be fully yourself. Not an excited puppy, a horny goat or a sourpuss. It allows you to be who you are. An interesting, delightful person who is looking for love. A person who is inviting love and passion and friendship into your life, but not expecting it immediately. Not needing it to be now. Trusting and knowing it is yours. Trusting and knowing it is coming towards you, just as you are moving towards it, but not demanding it happen on a particular timeline. Trusting that the timeline will be right for your personal journey.9. Do not sell. Do not buy.A date is not a sales pitch. And it is not an interview. I fell into this trap every time. If I fancied them, I would coquettishly pitch myself. Touching thighs, fluttering eyelashes, laughing too generously. Trying to make them like me, want me, choose me. If I didn’t feel an instant attraction, I would ask endless questions, like an interviewer screening a candidate, often feeling more defeated, disinterested and depressed as time wore on. Neither of you is the recruiter or the interviewee. You are just two people in the same position – meeting someone you’ve never met before. For things to progress to a second date, there needs to be mutual attraction, mutual curiosity and mutual enthusiasm. Don’t spend the date evaluating this, you can do that later. Spend the date chatting to someone with the calm curiosity you would in a non-date scenario. If you’re analysing the moment, you’re not in the moment.10. If you’re going to overthink, overthink the positivesReplacing anxious or resentful ‘what ifs’ with positives for your life as a whole helps to take the pressure off each individual date. When you feel held by the bigger picture, you can rock up to each encounter feeling more grounded and comfortable without the heavy weight of expectation.So let’s overthink some lovely dating thoughts together…* What if I meet someone so wonderful, they make every second of waiting worth it?* What if everyone I date enhances my life in some way?* What if every single moment of my life is shaping me in ways I will be grateful for?* What if I can trust the timing of my life?* What if there is a future version of me yelling back in time that it’s all going to be okay, more than okay, absolutely bloody brilliant!Why not make that your plan for the next two weeks – overthink the positives for the macro plan of your life. And let the micro moments unfold without expectation.Because the less we try to control things, the more room we create to be surprised. To be enchanted. To be delighted…Thank you so much for listening. I’m currently working on a dating care package that I can’t wait to send to you all! To receive it when it’s ready, make sure you’re signed up to my newsletter at Datingsolidarity.com. Share this podcast with anyone you know who’s dating and needs a boost. And follow me on Instagram @datingsolidarity.Wishing you a really great week, overthinking the positives. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Disappointment can be forged into power. Rejection can be the catalyst for profound confidence. Ghosting can be the chrysalis from which you emerge with magnificent wings. Number 1: Knock Them Off The Pedestal Imagine finding out something really unappealing about someone you like. Some habit or belief they hold that instantly turns you off. Some behaviour trait that gives you the ick so much so that you just can’t look at them the same way. A person who ghosts you did just that. They were rude. Disrespectful. And unkind. Gross! No one wants to say, “oh my new boyfriend is sooooo unkind! I’m so lucky to have met such an uncaring character who doesn’t even believe in human decency! Swoon swoon!” Knock this joker off the pedestal you put them on. They are not amazing and the best thing you’ve encountered. It was smoke and mirrors. Nothing real. Nothing sturdy. Nothing long-lasting. Just because they had some of the qualities you’re looking for, doesn’t mean they were right for you. Your time is so much better spent moving towards love and enjoying your life, than being messed around by someone who isn’t right for you and never will be. Your person won’t be on a pedestal because they’ll be walking beside you. Hand in hand. Equals. And it will be so nice because you won’t get neck strain and will be able to hear each other much more easily. So much less gets lost in translation when you are in step with someone. Number 2: Rejection Is Redirection This saying will make even more sense in the future. Because in the future you will not remember this nitwit’s name. This nicompoop who ghosted you will just be an uncomfortable bump in the road on the way to your favourite person. Your person will make this person seem embarrassingly unappealing. Your person will be polite and wonderfully enthusiastic about spending time with you. But this person is useful. This rejection is useful. It’s a signpost away from what will hurt you, so you can travel towards what will nourish and sustain you. Ghosting is awful, but it’s also a gift. It’s saving you the most precious commodity we have on this planet: time. So them removing themselves early is actually a boon. Thank you so much for clearing the way for what serves me! And not clogging up my life with fruitless distractions. Now you get to concentrate on what is guaranteed to serve you. You get to emerge from this uncomfortable portal and step into an exciting new chapter. Number 3: “Creative” Is An Anagram Of “Reactive” Dating is by its very nature disempowering. Because you can’t control the outcome. Even if you’re loving dating and are having a great time with interesting people, there is always an element of frustration because you still haven’t met the person worth having your last ever first date with. The cure for this is to invest a greater proportion of your time and energy into fulfilling things that you can control. This is done by setting achievable, rewarding goals that make you feel excited by life. While you’re waiting for someone to share your love, creativity and passion with, share it with the world. The world needs your love, creativity and passion. The world is eager for it. The world will embrace it. And that exchange will be deeply rewarding. When disappointment comes knocking on your door, invite it in. But instead of listening to its insidious lamenting, make it a nice cup of tea and talk to it. Ask it questions. Help it discover what it wants in addition to love. Grab some paper and some colourful markers and have fun making some SMART goals, baby! Plans that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. Sexy stuff! Genuinely. Because what is sexier than being fulfilled? Dating is a big lucky dip. Fun at first, but quickly dispiriting when you continually pull out tat. So, while you keep dipping a hand in to see if there’s a lovely life partner with an outstretched palm, make sure you’re doing other things that make you feel excited to be alive. What creative endeavour calls to you right now? What can you do that is measurable when you achieve it? What will light you up when telling people about it? What slightly scares you and yet compels you to try? What would happen if each time you experienced disappointment, you became creative instead of reactive? You’d become unstoppable! I want this to be a rousing call to action to take stock of all the things you can control. An invitation to open your arms to welcome and discover all the things that will give your life even more purpose and meaning. Not instead of feeling your feelings. It’s important to feel them. It’s important to take gentle, loving care of ourselves. It’s important to be honest when things hurt. When things trigger old wounds and old patterns. The trick is not to get stuck there. Because you’re not just dating. You’re exploring. Discovering new people until you chance upon the one that feels like home. Where it feels safe to disembark and settle. There may be pretty islands along the way that seem enticing but don’t offer safe harbour. But we don’t stop sailing. The world is vast and there is far more to discover. And whilst you sail, there are sunsets, sweet warm breezes, cool refreshing water and fresh mango to feast upon. I conclude by sharing my favourite poem, Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. I’d be absolutely honoured to continue supporting you. Please like and subscribe. You can also join my Substack community where you’ll receive a weekly newsletter and follow me on Instagram, where I can respond to your dating questions. With love, Juliet  This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com