349: [Soapbox] The problem with sensate focus

In this episode of Better Sex, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman critiques the traditional sensate focus technique frequently recommended in sex therapy. She outlines her concerns about its sequential, goal-oriented nature, the problematic idea of doing things to a passive partner, and the lack of emphasis on pleasure. Jessa shares her alternative approach, which focuses on pleasure and connection through exercises where the receiving partner is in control, and highlights the importance of mutual desire and advocacy in intimate relationships.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:44 Critique of Sensate Focus01:49 Problems with Sensate Focus04:47 Alternative Approaches to Intimacy07:07 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman is joined by sexual wellness coach Andre Lazarus to discuss rapid ejaculation, formerly known as premature ejaculation. They explore how this condition impacts intimate relationships and offer strategies for managing and extending sexual pleasure. The conversation delves into Andre's background, causes of rapid ejaculation, psychological and physical techniques to address it, and ways partners can support each other. They emphasize the importance of practice, communication, and self-awareness for improving sexual experiences. Andre also highlights the role of solo sex in training and stresses that achieving a fulfilling sex life is possible with the right mindset and tools.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:55 Guest Introduction: Andre Lazarus03:10 Defining Rapid Ejaculation09:47 Causes and Psychological Aspects11:54 Strategies and Techniques17:01 Solo Practice and Partner Support25:03 Confidence and Intimacy28:35 Conclusion and ResourcesFind out how to work with Jessa: https;//www.intimacywithease.comBio:Andre Lazarus is a Somatic Intimacy Guide and media-recognised voice on relationships, sexuality, and embodied connection. His career has followed an unconventional path: from serving in the U.S. Marines to guiding people through the complexities of intimacy and desire. That breadth of experience gives him a distinctive perspective on courage, vulnerability, and human connection.He is best known for his role on the UK television series Virgin Island, where he appeared as a professional surrogate partner helping participants confront intimacy challenges alongside licensed therapists. The program drew national attention, and Andre’s presence on screen highlighted how intimacy work is not about performance but about safety, consent, and the courage to connect.Through his practice, Coming Closer, Andre supports individuals and couples across a wide range of needs: men facing midlife performance concerns, survivors of trauma seeking safety, long-term partners wanting to revive passion, and those exploring alternatives such as ethical non-monogamy. Equally, he works with couples committed to monogamy who want to strengthen trust and rediscover each other. His approach, rooted in the Somatica® Method of sex and intimacy coaching, emphasises learning through the body and replacing shame with curiosity.While Andre has also taught workshops introducing kink and alternative practices, he situates them within a broader conversation: how people of all backgrounds can embrace intimacy as part of their wellbeing. His message consistently comes back to honesty, communication, and self-awareness as the foundations for connection.Today, Andre balances private coaching, workshops, and a men’s online course on sexual communication with growing media visibility, including the upcoming second season of Virgin Island.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman addresses a fascinating question from a coaching call about whether couples receive the same information from the same course. She explains how different interpretations arise due to the brain's filtering and meaning-making processes. She emphasizes the importance of curiosity and communication in bridging these gaps in understanding, using this phenomenon as an opportunity to build empathy and rapport within relationships.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:30 Fascinating Coaching Call Question01:32 Understanding Different Perspectives02:27 Neuroscience of Perception04:03 Interpreting and Challenging Thoughts05:57 Building Empathy and Rapport06:19 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman engages in a meaningful conversation with Vanessa Carlisle about reclaiming intimacy and pleasure after addiction and trauma. Vanessa discusses her personal and professional experience in navigating violence, trauma, and sex work. They explore the gaps in support for sexual recovery among trauma and addiction survivors, the cultural and systemic challenges in discussing sexuality, and the path to reconnecting with one's body and pleasure. Vanessa emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, sensory pleasure, and effective communication in intimate relationships. The episode also highlights the role of community and support networks in healing and thriving.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:49 Reclaiming Pleasure After Trauma01:51 Personal and Professional Insights03:51 Challenges in Recovery and Sexuality05:53 Impact of Trauma on Sexual Behavior07:05 Navigating Sobriety and Intimacy09:09 Sex Work, Substance Use, and Trauma13:18 Seeking Healing and Integration18:16 Path to Self-Awareness and Connection21:06 Taking It Slow: Understanding Your Pace22:06 Communicating with Your Partner24:52 Navigating Hookups and Relationships27:52 The Importance of Self-Care28:38 Exploring Themes in My Novel30:27 Vision for a Connected World36:31 Upcoming Events and Resources38:45 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsTake my quizzes at https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Vanessa Carlisle, PhD, MFA (they/them), is an author, coach, and educator in the fields of gender, sexuality, and trauma. Dr. Carlisle’s lived experience includes over twenty-five years in sex work and fifteen years of advocacy for the sex-working community. As a survivor of both intimate partner and institutional violence, Dr. Carlisle now crafts programs that combat stigma and improve conditions for their communities, including trauma-informed self-defense training, somatic coaching, and end-of-life care services. Along with many essays and articles, Dr. Carlisle authored the award-winning novel Take Me with You about a queer sex worker who must face her grief to be able to build the life she wants. Learn more about them at www.vanessacarlisle.com.vanessacarlisle.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes guest Cory Allen to discuss the concept of learning to love the spouse you have, rather than an idealized version of them. They delve into topics such as managing expectations, taking personal responsibility, and the challenges that arise in intimate relationships. Cory emphasizes that love has no strings attached and involves acceptance as well as personal growth. They also discuss the importance of owning one's choices, the stages of relationship evolution, and dealing with significant issues like financial deceit or addiction. This conversation includes practical advice for maintaining love and connection while navigating the complexities of marriage.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Introducing Corey Allan01:01 Loving the Spouse You Have01:43 The Idealized Spouse04:12 Phases of a Relationship11:18 The Evolution of Marriage14:52 Desire Discrepancy Resources15:18 Sexual Expectations and Realities17:03 Facing Relationship Challenges21:26 Savoring Intimacy: Slowing Down for Connection22:33 Navigating Sexual Differences in Marriage23:22 Embracing Choices in Relationships24:06 Personal Growth Through Challenges25:08 Handling Minor Annoyances with Grace30:15 Confronting Major Relationship Issues32:03 The Courage to Love and Grow37:02 The Evolution of Marriage37:51 Where to Find More ResourcesInterested in all my desire discrepancy resources? https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Corey Allan (if you want to be formal it’s Dr. Corey Allan, but he's usually pretty casual) is a husband, father, author, speaker, as well as a Marriage and Family Therapist with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. He and his wife Pam host a weekly podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio, where they help frame conversations and actions that help couples create a marriage fully alive. Corey has a practice online and is the founder of SMR, an online resource aimed at helping marriages not just survive, but thrive.Marriage is more about developing character and wisdom as a human than it is about the two people being happy.Love is a process, not just a feeling. It produces action. Added to this, life is choice (so is marriage). Therefore we work to help people:Grow deeper SpirituallyKeep it simpleBe passionateLive in community with othersEnjoy the rideWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, hosted by sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, the focus is on helping partners with low or zero libido. Jessa discusses strategies to uncover obstacles that block desire, such as health issues, trauma, and mental health concerns, and provides methods to unlock potential desire. She highlights the concept of reactive desire and offers practical advice, encouraging solo exploration, use of fantasies, and finding alternative ways to share pleasure and connection with a partner, even one of you have zero desire for sex.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex01:00 Understanding Low Libido01:31 Identifying Obstacles to Desire02:01 Unlocking Reactive Desire04:00 Exploring Solo Pleasure and Fantasy05:25 Sharing Pleasure with Your Partner06:37 Acceptance and New Norms07:27 Final Thoughts and Encouragement08:16 Closing RemarksWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Jennifer Valli about the impact of prostate cancer and its treatments on sexual health. Dr. Valli shares insights from her personal and professional experiences, emphasizing the lack of information patients often receive about sexual health post-treatment. They discuss the physical and psychological impacts of prostate treatments like prostatectomy and radiation, and the importance of early and consistent penile rehabilitation to maintain and possibly regain sexual function. The episode also delves into practical advice for men and their partners to adapt to changes in their sexual relationships, including tips on dealing with incontinence, changes in orgasm, and how to maintain connection and pleasure. Dr. Valli highlights the importance of communication and exploring new ways to experience intimacy.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:47 Guest Introduction: Dr. Jennifer Valli01:00 Impact of Prostate Cancer Treatments on Sexual Health02:24 Challenges Men Face Post-Treatment05:31 Desire, Arousal, and Orgasm Post-Prostatectomy08:49 Radiation vs. Prostatectomy: Differences in Impact16:24 Penile Rehabilitation: Methods and Importance17:53 Practical Tips for Penile Rehabilitation23:20 Resources and Support for Men24:46 Mid-Show Break: How to Get Help25:16 The Long Road of Rehab25:32 Awareness and Communication in Prostate Cancer Rehab26:43 Importance of Early and Consistent Penile Rehab27:53 Managing Incontinence and Sexual Function30:28 Psychological Aspects of Sexual Dysfunction37:54 Partner Support and Communication47:15 Final Thoughts and Resourceswww.uandme.com Prelude pumpwww.jennifervalli.comWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Jennifer Valli, PhD, is a seasoned psychotherapist with 30 years of clinical experience in psychiatry. She is a licensed therapist in Tennessee and is nationally certified as a Sex Therapist through AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, a rigorous credentialing program in sex therapy. A portion of Dr. Valli’s AASECT training was completed with faculty from Johns Hopkins University in the area of paraphilias and fetishes. In 2014, she completed a comprehensive post-graduate program in sex therapy at the University of Michigan. She holds a PhD in Clinical Sexology and, as a lifelong learner, earned a second doctorate from the University of Southern California focused on Macro Social Change, Innovation, and Social Work. Dr. Valli is an Assistant Professor at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center and a proud member of both the Urology and OB-GYN departments. She has delivered national presentations on sex after cancer for the American Society of Breast Surgeons Foundation, SMSNA, and OUTCARE, an organization dedicated to improving the quality of care for medical providers working with LGBTQ+ patients. She is so grateful to be with us today.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist and host Jessa Zimmerman explores the critical importance of focusing on the lower desire partner in relationships struggling with mismatched libidos and desire discrepancy.Drawing from real insights from a recent couples coaching call, Jessa reveals why higher desire partners need to shift their perspective and develop deeper empathy and understanding for their lower desire counterparts. This episode is essential listening for any couple dealing with libido differences, sexual desire issues, or intimacy challenges.What You'll Learn:✅ How to support the low libido partner in your relationship✅ Effective communication strategies for couples with desire discrepancy✅ Ways to rebuild trust after sexual tension and conflict✅ How to create a safe space for vulnerable conversations about sex✅ Why empathy and patience are crucial for resolving mismatched desire✅ How to listen to your partner's struggles and pain without rushing to fix everything✅ Strategies for overcoming sexual tension in long-term relationships✅ Steps toward achieving a more fulfilling sex life togetherPerfect for couples experiencing sexual frustration, relationship conflict, or anyone wanting to improve their sexual relationship and intimate connection.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex01:02 The Value of Focusing on the Lower Desire Partner02:53 Breakthroughs in Communication06:16 Steps to Reconnect and Understand09:10 Final Thoughts and Encouragement09:47 Closing Remarks and Call to ActionWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Welcome back to the Better Sex Podcast! In this powerful episode, host Jessa Zimmerman reunites with returning guest Rob Kancler for an in-depth conversation about transforming your intimate life through body-based practices.🔥 WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE:✨ Erotic Circuitry & Sexual WellnessUnderstanding your unique erotic circuitry and how to activate itUnlocking your full orgasmic potential through body awarenessHow to cultivate body intelligence for better sex💨 Breathwork for IntimacyThe transformative power of the "Yes Breath" techniqueBreathing exercises for sexual enhancementPhysiological aspects of breathing and their impact on arousal❤️ Emotional & Physical ConnectionEmotional self-regulation strategies for intimate relationshipsHow to reconnect with your body for deeper intimacyThe crucial role of emotions in sexual experiences and overall well-beingThis episode is packed with practical tips, actionable strategies, and expert guidance to help you enhance your intimate connections, improve relationship satisfaction, and optimize your personal sexual health.Perfect for anyone looking to:Improve their sex life naturallyStrengthen intimate relationshipsLearn body-based practices for better intimacyUnderstand the mind-body connection in sexualityDevelop emotional intelligence in relationships00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:45 Welcoming Back Rob Kancler01:47 Exploring Erotic Circuitry04:32 Understanding Breathwork and Somatics10:07 The Importance of Emotional Intelligence11:31 The Role of Cranial Nerves in Emotional and Physical Health13:24 The Connection Between Emotions and Physical Health21:33 The Impact of Suppressed Emotions40:58 Practical Steps to Open Circuitry for Better Sex and Emotional Health46:12 The Power of Breathing46:58 Breathing Techniques for Mental Health48:41 Practical Breathing Exercise57:01 The Impact of Breathing on Sexual Health01:00:09 The Role of Emotions in Physical Health01:03:34 Integrating Breathwork into Daily Life01:11:20 The Orgasm Reflex and Sexual Potential01:19:02 Resources and Next StepsFind all the Better Sex special collections at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/collectionsBio:Rob Kancler is an artist, athlete, entrepreneur, and modern mystic. He runs Men of Substance™, a sexual mastery program serving men worldwide. His revolutionary work gives all people access to the profound sexual experiences hidden in the most obscure spiritual traditions—radically expanding a conversation most people take for granted and revealing the blind spots about sex that everyone carries but no one sees. The truth is this quietly keeps men and women from the confidence, vitality, love, meaning, and deeper fulfillment available in every part of life. Check him out at robkancler.com, take the free assessment at bedroomcompass.com, or explore the foundational Men of Substance™ program at robkancler.com/blueprint.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman addresses the common misconception that menopause is a temporary phase. She explains that menopause is a permanent change, where hormone production reverts to levels similar to those of a young child. Drawing on a conversation with Dr. Irwin Goldstein, she emphasizes the importance of adapting to or treating this change, often through hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Jessa encourages listeners to research, talk to their doctors, and consider the best approach for them and their partners. She also mentions prior episodes featuring experts on the topic of HRT.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:44 Soapbox Episode Introduction01:00 Understanding Menopause: A Permanent Change01:50 Insights from Dr. Irwin Goldstein02:47 Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Discussion03:25 Adapting to Menopause04:10 Conclusion and Further Resources04:28 Listener Engagement and Support04:58 Credits and AcknowledgementsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass