Attachment Basics

Today, I’m walking you through 3 things that kids need in order to feel secure in their attachment with you. Consider this your crash course in attachment basics, a how-to guide.You’ll Learn:How focusing on attachment in childhood with help you kid in adulthoodMy experience as an adoptive mom working to repair my kids’ attachments after life in an orphanageThe 4 S’s of attachment and how to use them in your parentingWhat to do if you’re still healing from your own childhoodI’m willing to bet that you're doing a lot of things right already. But if you want to improve your attachment and make it stronger, these steps will help you do it.-----------------------------------------------------One thing I want you to keep in mind is that attachment is a robust system. It’s not easily broken, and it’s never too late to focus on strengthening your attachment with your child.Your kid wants to connect with you. They want to feel safe and secure with you. And the truth is that most parents do create secure attachment with their children. We’re hardwired to protect our kids, to take care of them and to make sure that they get what they need.  Why Secure Attachment MattersWhen a child has a secure attachment to their parent, it means that they feel pretty safe in the world. They’re not living in a hyper vigilant, stressed, reactive headspace. Their mental health is pretty good. Kids who are securely attached typically grow up to be self-reliant, independent, have a strong self esteem, and experience less anxiety and depression. They launch into the world…Feeling safe and seenKnowing how to take care of themselvesAble to soothe themselves without drugs, alcohol, sex, and other addictionsThe amazing thing about these 4 S’s is that when your child has this modeled for them - when they feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure with you, no matter what - they can create this inside of themselves. It’s that feeling of being okay. And who doesn’t want that? The 4 S’s of AttachmentEach of these 4 S’s leads to the next. When your child feels safe, when they feel seen, when they feel soothed…that results in security (aka a secure attachment with you).  SAFE Safety means that your child is physically and emotionally secure in their environment. They feel protected from harm, and they don't experience fear or threat from you.Essentially, you need to be the safe person for your child - not the thing that scares them. This is really the crux of connected parenting. We’re not using fear or threats in order to get compliance. Spanking is one example of this. Your child’s fear activates their nervous system (which is not going to improve their behavior) and confuses them. You’re supposed to be the source of safety, but yet you’re the source of fear in that moment. They might be uncertain of whether they can fully trust you. Of course, we all have times when we are a source of fear. You might yell, rage, or get physical. That is why repair is so important. Instead of your child seeing you as dangerous, unpredictable, or unreliable, you take responsibility for your actions and use it as an opportunity to strengthen the attachment.  SEEN To be seen is to have a caregiver who perceives and understands a child's emotional experience. It means that you see your child as an individual. You become curious about them, you think about what they want, who they are, and what they need. You view them as a fully whole individual...

Today, I’ve invited Dr. Sarah Bren to talk to us about attachment, knowing whether or not we have a secure attachment with our kids, and how to maintain that secure attachment through the process of repair. You’ll Learn:Why emotional health and achievement don’t have to be an either/or (and which one often leads to the other)Why repair is so important - and how to do it rightA time I (recently) blew up over a bathing suit and had to do some repairThe most impactful skill you can learn for better relationshipsYou’ll get some really practical tips about how to actually say sorry and make amends and talk to your kids when there's been a rupture in your relationship. I know you’re going to love this conversation and the confidence you feel when your attachment with your kids is strong.-------------------------------------------------Dr. Sarah Bren is a clinical psychologist and a mom of two. She has dedicated her career to translating the science of attachment into simple, real-life strategies for parents wanting to support healthy child development while not losing sight of their own mental health along the way. She is also the co-founder and clinical director of Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY, where she and her team of highly specialized therapists work with parents, children, and families.  What Is Secure Attachment?Dr. Sarah defines attachment as an instinct to form a bond that allows for physical and emotional proximity to a caregiver. It’s biological and increases our chances of survival as a species. She says, “We’re hardwired to create these relational bonds.”Everyone attaches, but attachment science looks to the quality of that attachment relationship. Basically, secure attachment happens when a child believes that the parent will consistently and reliably meet their basic survival needs most of the time. This includes needs like food, sleep, warmth, and safety. Attachment MythsDr. Sarah says that many parents are quite anxious about the attachment relationship with their kids. Here are a few myths you can stop worrying about right now. Myth #1: Attachment is fragile. It can feel like the stakes are really high when it comes to creating a secure attachment with your child. The good news is, “It's not that fragile of a system. Not every single move you make is going to make or break an attachment relationship. It's a pretty robust system.” Dr. Sarah says that secure attachment is actually the default. Our job is to not actively derail it.  Myth #2: If there’s friction in the relationship, your attachment is not secure. Smooth sailing is not a requirement for a secure attachment. You won’t always get along, and there will be friction sometimes. You’ll still need to hold limits. You’ll still upset your child, and you’ll be frustrated by them sometimes, too. In fact, when your kid is really mad and throwing their vilest muck at you, it’s actually a sign that they feel safe in the relationship. They know you’re not going anywhere.  Myth #3: Attachment is fixed. If you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you’re doomed. Dr. Sarah explains that our initial attachment relationships create a sort of blueprint that we then use to anticipate how other people will receive us, respond to us, and meet our needs in the future. Fortunately, attachment is not fixed. While early experiences are important, the blueprint is also a...

When my kids were little, I came up with a routine that I called “The 5 Things”. Basically, I decided on five things that my kids needed to do before school every morning - the non-negotiables. Today, you’ll learn how to create and follow through on your own morning and bedtime routines. You’ll Learn:What The 5 Things are and how to use this tool to create simple routines for your kidsWhy The 5 Things helps kids think for themselvesHow to adapt the tool to bedtime or other routines in your familyBarking orders, reminding over and over, and rushing kids does not set you up for a good morning or the gentle handoff we want. The 5 Things is a way to create a simple routine kids can remember and complete on their own (with a little practice, of course).----------------------------------------What Are The 5 Things?In our house, The 5 Things were:Get dressedBrush your teethEat breakfastGet your lunchbox and backpackPut on your socks and shoesAbout five minutes before it was time to leave, I would stand at the door, look them in the eyeballs, and say, “Okay, it’s time to leave. Have you done your five things?”If they hadn’t done them all yet or if they looked at me with a confused, blank stare, I’d try to coach them through in a way that required them to do their own thinking. You can just hold out your 5 fingers and help them go through and tick them down together. I LOVE this video from @sprinkleinlearning showing a similar morning routine in action.Choosing Your 5 ThingsYour 5 Things don’t have to be exactly the same as mine. In the video, you’ll see that the little girl is already dressed, and her 5 Things are backpack, water, lunch, shoes, and jacket. There are a few areas here where I have some thoughts…Water bottles - I never really cared about my kids taking a water bottle to school. They were welcome to fill up a bottle and put it in their backpack anytime, but it wasn’t something I was going to manage for them. Breakfast - There are lots of differing opinions about eating breakfast in the morning. In our house, I always had breakfast available for a certain period of time (e.g. 7:00-7:40 am). This allowed me to have things cleaned up and put away before we had to leave for school. I deeply believe that a hungry belly is the best teacher when you want kids to learn to eat right. Their brain will start to connect the dots of, “I was hungry today, and it didn’t feel good. So I’m going to eat my breakfast tomorrow.”Most young kids also end up having some kind of snack early in the day, so they likely won’t be hungry for long. If you’re really concerned about your kid eating because they need to take medication that requires food, etc., you can have a granola bar or smoothie set up that they can eat in the car. Jackets - If you live somewhere with cold weather, and your child needs a jacket, don’t overthink it. It can get clumped in with putting on socks and shoes. Often my kids would come home with their sweatshirts in their backpacks (we live in California, so not a lot of cold weather), so I would have them keep the sweatshirt near the backpack so it was ready to go the next day.Why The 5 Things WorksThe biggest thing I like about The 5 Things is that it requires kids to do their own thinking. They have to memorize what is required of them in order to go to school. It will take some time for kids to internalize this. What I love so much about the video with the lights (you could also use a checklist or other tool) is that it starts to...

This one simple practice that I call “Eyeballs” can make your afternoons easier and add powerful connection to anytime you reunite with your child. It only takes a few seconds and very little effort, but I know it will make a huge difference in your home.You’ll Learn:What the Eyeballs tool is and how to use it (it’s gonna change your life!)Why connection doesn’t have to be complicatedMy favorite phrase for reuniting with my kidsI love this so much because your child wants to be seen by you. They desperately want to feel loved, accepted, and safe. And they get this from you when you simply take a moment to acknowledge them and say hello.--------------------------------------------------Moments of Reunion MatterA moment of reunion can happen anytime you’ve been apart from your child. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning, when they get home from school, or after a sporting event or play date. When you are truly present in moments of reunion, it sets up the rest of your time together in a way that feels connected and calming. It feels good to be greeted warmly. Think about when you walk up to a hostess in a restaurant or check in for an appointment. How much nicer is it when they make eye contact, smile, and welcome you? It makes you feel lighter, more compliant, and you probably smile back. This is the kind of moment you’re trying to create with your kid. Especially at the end of the school day, kids are really tired. They’re waiting for that moment when they can relax and decompress. It’s time for them to take a deep exhale, and they want you to be a part of it.  How To Do EyeballsEyeballs is all about connection. I call this strategy Eyeballs because I think it’s funny 😆. But it’s also more than just eye contact. It’s looking into your kid’s eyes and looking past the surface, a little bit deeper. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I love looking into my kids’ eyes is because it makes me remember that I like them. I remember who they really are at their core and all the things that are great about them. Here’s how to do it:Pause what you’re doing. Even if you’re talking to another mom at school pickup, say, “Hey, I’m going to greet my kid real quick.” If you’re folding laundry or doing other chores when your child comes through the door, put it down. Look your child in the eyes and actually look at them. Notice who they are. If you have little kids, squat down to eye level. This can be harder if you have to go through a carpool lane (which often feels so hectic), but it only takes a second to turn around and look at your child while they’re buckling their seat belt. Greet them with a smile. Say something like, “Hi, I missed you,” “I’ve been thinking about you,” “I’m so glad you’re here,” or “I can’t wait to hear about your day.” Wait to get into transactional conversation like homework, water bottles, afternoon activity plans, etc. until after you’ve done this Eyeball reunion.  Why It WorksIf you show up in the school carpool line and you're still on the phone and you are distracted and you're stressed out about dinner, it’s really difficult for you kid. No judgment - we’ve all been there!Kids need a chance to reset their nervous system after school and connect back to home life. They need a little bit of a transition. If your child doesn’t get that reset and is dysregulated, you’re going to see more misbehavior, complaining, arguing, sibling fights, etc.But when you do that little bit of connection with your kid, they tend to not need to get attention from you...

In today’s short and sweet episode, I’m giving you two simple strategies for better mornings (which I know you can use now that school is back in session!). You’ll Learn:The most important thing about morningsHow to make a gentle handoff to school, daycare, or campWhat to do first when you see your kid in the morningHow to get back on track after a rough momentI show you how to help your kids get physically and emotionally ready for their day.----------------------------------------------When I think about a kid getting ready for school in the morning, I imagine that they are armoring up. No matter how great their school is or how much they love their teacher and their friends, school is stressful for kids. They have to think, listen, and deal with other kids (and their behaviors). They have to do things on a schedule that isn’t always the way they want it, and there are a lot of expectations on them. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a lot of work for them.So we want to help facilitate and support them as they get physically and emotionally ready for their day. Strategy #1: The Gentle HandoffThe “handoff” is that moment when you drop your child off at school, daycare, camp, wherever they’re going for the day. From the time my kids were young up to this very day, my goal when I’m dropping them off anywhere is to deliver the most emotionally regulated human being that I can to that activity. That means that I have created an environment for my kids that is emotionally regulated. We’re not in chaotic, frantic, stressed energy. …Which means I have to be in my calm energy. Here are some ways to work toward a gentle handoff.  Prioritize Emotional RegulationOur kids borrow our energy. So whatever energy you’re in (chaotic or calm) will transfer to your child. The key to prioritizing your emotional regulation and your kid’s emotional regulation is to start your day gently.Some simple ways to do this are:Spend a few minutes silently breathing when you wake upStretch your bodyMake a cup of coffee or teaDelay checking email, social media, or the news if these are likely to stress you out DelayIf possible, delay the other non-kid stuff until after dropoff. If messages, problems, or stress come up, tell yourself, “I’m going to have to deal with this. But I’m going to deal with it later, because my goal is to deliver the most emotionally regulated person I can to school today.” Know Your CuesWe all have cues that we’re getting dysregulated. When you know what yours are, you can pause before things get too far off.Some of the clues I see when I’m getting dysregulated are:Talking a lotBarking commandsGetting quiet and just barreling through, trying to do everything on my ownPhysical tension or sensations in my chest and belly (these signs tend to come later)Yelling is also a good indicator that you’re dysregulated. Because if you’re yelling, you’re not calm. Period. If you have a rough moment or yell at your kid. see if you can do a little repair on the way to school or while you’re waiting for the bus. You may not be ready to take full accountability, but just recognizing that you lost your cool will help. Try saying something like, “Whoa, sorry. That was a rough morning. I got out of control of my emotions a little. We’re going to do better tomorrow.” Say GoodbyeI know this isn’t always possible, but when it is, little kids really benefit from having you park and walk them toward the school.

If you’ve ever known anyone who’s going through a divorce, if you’re considering divorce yourself, or are in the early stages of making that decision, this episode on surviving divorce is for you. My guest today is Certified Divorce Coach® Laila Aitken Ali. Laila is known as the Split Coach, and she helps people (especially parents) to restructure their lives and relationships post-breakup so they don't get stuck in old dynamics and reactive patterns.You’ll Learn:The first thing to focus on when you learn or decide that you’re getting a divorce (it’s probably not what you think)How to create clear boundaries and effective communication with your co-parentThe powerful word Laila likes to use when talking to kids about the end of a marriageWhy you are all your child needs to thrive post-divorceWe’re talking all about how to take care of yourself and frame the situation for your kids, as well as support people in your life who are dealing with separation and divorce.-------------------------------------Laila is also the co-founder of Split.fyi, a digital platform and supportive community helping people move through divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions with clarity, confidence, and strategy. Laila’s work is deeply personal. She went through her own divorce while pregnant, and that raw, life-altering experience pushed her to build the very kind of support she wished she had - one rooted in emotional truth, practical tools, and human connection. That journey shaped her mission: to help others navigate the emotional chaos of separation while creating structure, strategy, and a new sense of self along the way.She’s known for her warm, no-BS approach and her fierce belief that breakdowns can become powerful turning points - which you know I love! The First StepsWhen a marriage ends—especially when kids are involved—the experience can be deeply overwhelming, emotional, and disorienting. If you're facing the start of a divorce, whether the decision was yours or not, it’s easy to get swept up in shock, fear, and a rush to fix everything right now.Laila describes it as feeling completely “sideswiped”. One moment you think you know your life’s direction. The next you’re questioning everything, from how you’ll manage parenting alone to where you’ll live and how you’ll support yourself.The key takeaway in these first days? Press pause on “doing” and prioritize your own wellbeing. Yes, your kid is always first and foremost. But sometimes, that looks like doing what’s best for you so that you can show up for them.Laila says, “You have to think about things in all aspects. But you can’t think about them all at once.” The first thing you should deal with is not money, not custody arrangements - it’s your wellbeing. The divorce process moves slowly, and you actually have a lot of time. Because when you are in fight-or-flight mode, you’re not able to make clear, healthy decisions. You’ve got to deal with the thoughts and feelings that are coming up, like blaming the other person, thinking that you’ve failed, feeling angry, sad, or afraid.Just like grieving people are advised to avoid major life moves in the immediate aftermath, with divorce, there’s wisdom in allowing yourself some breathing room instead of forcing immediate, big decisions.This is when you give yourself lots of grace and permission to focus on just being okay. And don’t personalize. It’s normal for one or both people in a divorce situation to be hurt and grieving. And hurt people often hurt people. When your ex is pushing against your...

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). You’ll Learn:Unhelpful stories that you might be telling yourself right nowHow our thoughts and beliefs become our reality (and how to use this to your advantage)Questions to ask yourself to determine which roles you fall into mostHow to shift yourself and your family from drama to empowermentWhich roles I default to most and whyIn this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. ----------------------------------------In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles shift from…Victim → CreatorPersecutor → ChallengerRescuer → CoachShifting Into The Empowerment DynamicWe all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why. Victim → CreatorBecoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise.The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them.You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence).If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask:Do you feel helpless?Do you feel like you have power here? Like you can do something about this situation?In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence.The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.”You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that:I know you are strong.I believe in your ability to figure this out.This is hard right now, but I know you’re going to be okay.Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?”If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments. Persecutor → ChallengerThe shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome.And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift...

Today, we’re digging into the concept of the Drama Triangle (which you can probably guess is something you don’t want to be stuck in). I’m talking all about what the Drama Triangle is and how it shows up in parenting.You’ll Learn:What the Drama Triangle is and why you don’t want to get stuck thereExamples of how the Drama Triangle shows up in familiesA new model to help you shift out of the drama and into empowermentMy own experience of being stuck in the Drama TriangleLet’s get you and your family out of drama and into a place of empowerment and resilience. ------------------------------------------------What Is the Drama Triangle?The Karpman Drama Triangle (named after psychologist Stephen Karpman) describes how we often adopt one of three unhealthy roles when attempting to resolve conflict: The Victim feels powerless and wronged—“Someone’s hurting me and I need help!”The Persecutor is the “bad guy”—the one blamed for being harsh, critical, or causing pain.The Rescuer swoops in to “save” the Victim from the Persecutor, solving everyone’s problem—but often at their own expense.Overall, the Drama Triangle is maladaptive - meaning that these roles are not actually helpful for conflict resolution or family dynamics.  How the Drama Triangle Shows Up at HomeMaybe your oldest is always “the troublemaker” (Persecutor), your youngest is constantly “getting picked on” (Victim), and you’re forever running interference (Rescuer). Or maybe, after a particularly tough bedtime, you feel like the Victim—powerless over your child’s tantrums—and wish your partner would “rescue” you by stepping in.Over time, these patterns teach our kids to rely on others to solve their problems, or—worse—internalize harmful labels as “the bad one” or “the helpless one.” And as moms, we sacrifice our own needs for peace that never really lasts.Here’s the tough truth. When we fall into these roles, nobody wins. VictimIf a child (or anyone, for that matter) is repeatedly put into the Victim role, we take away their belief that they can solve their own problems. We let them think that they are helpless and that they are trapped and that they cannot do for themselves. They look to their Rescuer to solve problems for them, which is a really disempowering place to be.  PersecutorA Persecutor often blames others for their actions. Instead of responding to problems with helpful behavior, they often respond with judgment and criticism.When we remember that feelings drive behavior, we can see that the Persecutor is the one who is actually in pain. The one who needs support. But we often don’t give that support to the Persecutor. We go to the Victim instead. So the Persecutor stays stuck in that pain and that role. They start to feel like the “bad kid”. This is common with older siblings, aggressive kids, kids with ADHD or neurodivergence, and parents who aren't emotionally regulated. And because they are treated like the problem, they feel very isolated and disconnected. They’re trying to get control by putting someone else down, but that isn’t really empowerment. And it doesn’t make them feel good. RescuerThe Rescuer is doing the Victim’s dirty work. A lot of moms find themselves in this role, and it ultimately creates a codependent dynamic where everybody's turning to you, and now you're the rescuer of everybody and you have to solve all the problems and fix everybody's issues all the time. It’s exhausting, and it leads to resentment.Plus, by rescuing our kids, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to

This encore episode about the back to school shit show is one I come back to over and over again - because it’s something parents struggle with every. single. year.The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. Kids suddenly have to wake up early, get themselves ready and out the door (on time). And it’s a transition for you too as you settle everyone into a new routine. You’ll Learn:5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle themWhy you don’t need to start in with your school year routines just yetThoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transitionWhat your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school yearAn exercise to help you prepare your mindsetThere are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. -------------------------------------------In this fan-favorite episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind).I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening.  Why is Back To School Such a Shit Show?For your kid, going back to school is kinda like going back to work. And it comes with a lot of thoughts, feelings, excitement, and nerves. This can show up in a lot of different ways. Here are 5 of the ones I see most in the families I work with.Your kid may not like their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing.  Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort.Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more big feelings cycles are likely to happen. Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly.  Your Back To School Mindset ShiftsFeeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary. It will take time to...

Today, we’re wrapping up the 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS). This episode is all about being what your kid needs, with lots of strategies to show up as the calm, connected parent you want to be.You’ll Learn:The 4 parts of emotional literacyHow to let your child “borrow” your nervous system as they build their own emotional strength3 things all kids want to hear from their parents7 strategies for leading your child toward emotional healthNote: If you haven’t listened to the first 2 episodes in this series, I recommend you go back and do that. There’s a lot of background information that will help this all make a lot more sense.------------------------------------------Preventing Childhood TraumaA lot of parents come to me with the goal of not f*cking up their kids. They don’t want to do something that creates trauma in their children. But when you are parenting from a place of reactivity, insecurity, stress, or overwhelm (your wounded parts), you may end up accidentally injuring parts of your kid. Trauma happens when we have a difficult experience and the emotional pain is not processed. It gets stuck inside of us. If your child’s pain is not validated and seen by the grown-ups in their life, they may end up confused or thinking that something is wrong with them. They might feel worthless, unlovable, or shameful. One common example of this is bypassing emotion. It can look like rescuing, jumping quickly to logic or a solution, bribes, looking to the future. Doing this can give your kid the message that their emotion isn’t okay or valid. If you’re sitting there thinking, “Great, I’ve already done all these bad things to my kids. I’ve already created trauma,” take a deep breath. Your children are still children, and they’re still processing their feelings. You can start now being that compassionate leader for your family. I’ve seen it thousands of times. Mom changes >> Kids change. They heal in real time. It’s incredible and so, so beautiful. Compassionate parenting is not about making sure our kids don't ever feel badly. It's helping them learn what to do with those bad feelings when they happen (i.e. growing up to be emotionally healthy).I think of emotional health in terms of emotional literacy:I know what I’m feelingI know how to talk about my feelingsI know what to do with my feelingsI can recognize and understand how others are feeling (aka empathy)And just like literacy in reading or writing, these are skills that can be taught and must be practiced.  Being What Your Kid NeedsUltimately, your kid needs you to be available to help them process their big feelings and provide a model for emotional health.Once you’ve begun to step into your SELF energy (like I talked about in the last episode), you start leading your life from a more grounded, calm place. You become less reactive toward your children. Here are some ways to bring that SELF-led energy to your kid. Be a witnessIt can be difficult to be around someone who is very emotional and activated. Your child’s big feelings might trigger emotion in you (that’s your amygdala at work). A lot of parents fall apart when their kids fall apart. And this is actually pretty terrifying for the child. When you are willing to witness your child’s pain and help them process it, it can be released. Your kid needs you to be the grown-up in the room. And they need to feel safe enough to express their authentic pain, desires, and whatever...