125. Healing Your Marriage After Sexual Betrayal: The 3 Phases of Relational Recovery

The thought processes that successful men are addicted to are different than those of the general population. High-achieving men have developed many skills that help them in business, but can often make sex addiction recovery a bit more complicated. In this episode, I discuss why sex addiction is often different for successful men, and what they will need to do differently if they plan to achieve long-term recovery and avoid relapse. For many high-achievers, their addiction involves seeking attention, risk, excitement, novelty, superiority, power, control, and feeling wanted or desired. Each of these mental processes will need to be addressed in your sex addiction recovery plan. I talk about this in great detail in my book: “The High-Achievers Guide To Sex Addiction Recovery.” You can find it here, both in paper copy and on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR If you are a high-achiever, business owner, executive, or entrepreneur and you are looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, visit my website here: https://successfuladdict.com/

Healing your marriage after sexual betrayal is a painful, chaotic, and confusing time for couples. The good news is that there are predictable phases that most couples go through along the road to repair. In this episode, I am joined by Matthey and Joanna Raabsmith. They have developed a model that helps couples heal after betrayal.  Their model follows three phases of healing. Each phase requires a different relational dynamic to facilitate connection, safety, and trust. In this podcast episode, we discuss all three in detail to help couples ensure that they are honoring the nuances of each phase. Sex addiction and healing a marriage post-infidelity can be overwhelming. Having a model that you can reference is often very helpful to ensure that you are doing all you can to recover. If you are interested in joining the Raabsmiths' upcoming couples retreat in October, use this link: https://renewingusretreats.com/ I talk about this in great detail in my book: “The High-Achievers Guide To Sex Addiction Recovery.” You can find it here, both in paper copy and on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR If you are a high-achiever, business owner, executive, or entrepreneur and you are looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, visit my website here: https://successfuladdict.com/

If you are more than 6 months into your sex addiction recovery, you should listen to this episode. When men first begin their recovery journey, they have no idea what to do or how this happened. So, why would you assume that you have developed the best recovery and sobriety plan? It’s always a good idea to revisit your recovery plan and make sure that it will work. The sex addiction relapse rate is very high. But it doesn't need to be. In this episode, I will talk about how to reexamine your recovery plan and make sure you’re not missing anything that will cause you to relapse down the road. If you have not yet read my book “The High-Achievers Guide To Sex Addiction Recovery”, you can find it here both in paper copy and on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR If you want more information on joining one of my recovery groups, visit my website here: https://successfuladdict.com/

Research shows that people who label themselves as an “addict” recover less quickly. In this episode, Tyler Patrick from The Therapy Brothers Podcast joins me to talk about identity and how it relates to sex addiction and betrayal recovery. The concept of personal Identity is deep and very difficult to comprehend, mostly because you are always operating from a place of identity. It’s like a fish never knowing what water is because they are always surrounded by it. Despite being difficult to understand, if you want to achieve long-term recovery and avoid relapse, you need get an idea of how you see yourself. This concept applies to sex addicts, betrayed partners, and the couple. Listen to this episode, as Tyler and I will help you peel back the layers of this complex onion called identity. For those who want to access the resource that Tyler mentioned in the podcast, use this link: therapybrothers.ORG/successful-addict I discuss the concept of identity in the recovery chapter of my book. You can find my book here on Amazon and the audiobook on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR If you’re a high-achiever, executive, business professional, or entrepreneur looking for a recovery group tailored to your unique process addiction, go to my website here: https://successfuladdict.com/

Out of all the things I have seen lead to sex addiction relapse, this is the big one: Men shaming themselves by accident.  I get it… when you have done things you never thought that you would. And when you have hurt your wife in ways that will change her forever. It’s easy to beat yourself up. I know I did. But, we know that shame is the #1 killer in sex addiction recovery. So, we need to be careful HOW we beat ourselves up. In this episode, I talk about how to navigate the balance between remorse and shame. I also talk about self-forgiveness and what you need to be cautious of that may lead you to relapse. You cannot shame someone into changing. And you cannot shame yourself into change. Focus on HOW you allowed this to happen and WHY you compromised your integrity. You will get far more out of recovery this way than focusing on shameful behavior. I talk about shame a lot in my book. The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery: A Proven Blueprint for Successful Professionals to Overcome Sex and Porn Addiction. You can find it here on Amazon and Audible: https://a.co/d/0139OJz5 If you’re a high-achiever, executive, or entrepreneur looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, visit my website to fill out an application: https://successfuladdict.com/

Dayle Brenner and I talk about what we both agree is THE KEY to long-term sex addiction sobriety. Dayle is a certified sex addiction therapist, and she is passionate about creating lasting change. She and I both have no interest in helping men get sober… we want to see them recover. Sex addiction recovery will not work if you are just checking off the boxes. Your recovery needs to become something that you are convicted about. Like entrepreneurship, conviction is what differentiates the average and those who excel. In this episode, we talk about how someone becomes convicted in their sex addiction recovery and where to start if you aren’t yet convicted. If you want to reach Dayle, her website is here: https://www.daylebrennerwild.com/ If you have not yet read my book, I talk a lot about convicted recovery and the steps required to step into it. My book can be found here on Amazon and the audiobook on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR If you want more information on joining one of my recovery groups, visit my website here: https://successfuladdict.com/

Disclosure is one of the most challenging things couples must manage after sexual betrayal. It’s also the most complicated part of the process. For sex addicts, they fear that their wife will leave them once they hear about all of the sexual acting-out behaviors. They often think disclosure will not be helpful, but rather traumatize their wife by filling her head with details and fuel for mental imagery. For partners, they often want the process to accelerate. Waiting another few weeks feels unfair and like torture. It’s also common for them to ask about every little detail in an effort to regain a sense of reality and safety. For disclosure to work, it needs to be done correctly. In this episode, I talk about common questions and misconceptions couples face when heading into disclosure. While I am not a disclosure expert myself, many of my colleagues are excellent at helping couples through it. If you have questions or need a referral, send me an email to roland at successfuladdict.com

Communication is everything when in the crisis stage following infidelity. One of the biggest pains in early sex addiction recovery is the damage that has been caused to the marriage. Learning how to communicate effectively is key in the first 2 years of sex and porn addiction recovery.  Betrayed partners need a sense of safety and stability. Because trust is gone, communication is all they have to stand on. If you cannot communicate in a way that feels safe and reassuring, you will certainly experience far more relational stress in the first 2 years. In this episode, I interview Debbie McRae (certified sex addiction therapist). Debbie specializes in working with betrayed partners and couples healing from infidelity. We talk about the most common communication mistakes we see in betrayal recovery and how you can avoid them. If you want to get in contact with Debbie, you can find her website here: https://www.debbiemcraecounseling.com/ If you are a business professional, executive, entrepreneur, or business owner looking for a group full of like-minded men to connect with in recovery, visit my website here to apply: www.successfuladdict.com

The concept of the “root cause” is a bit oversimplified. Sex addiction is a complex problem that originates from many aspects of your life. In this episode, I help men grasp the size of compulsive sexual behavior and how complex recovery really is. Complex does not mean difficult… But it does mean that you will need to take this seriously if you want to achieve lasting recovery. For the married men listening to this, trust is off the table after you betray your wife sexually. You will need to prove to her that you know how to prevent this from happening again. At the end of the episode, I give men some ways that they can help uncover the complexities of their process addiction so that they can create an effective recovery plan. If you have not yet read my book, I spend most of it helping men uncover the “why” behind their sexual acting out. You can find it here on Amazon and on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR

While faith is often one of the most powerful tools in sex addiction recovery, it can very easily get in the way. It's been shown that people who grow up in a strict religious household struggle more with sex and porn addiction. This is primarily due to purity culture and the shame that clouds human sexuality. Humans are sexual beings. We enjoy sex, and it’s unhealthy to abstain from it. Shame and guilt drive secrecy, which allows compulsive sexuality to thrive. When misinterpreted, religion can shame perfectly healthy sexual behaviors. In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Don Zaksek. We talk about the harm that misinterpreted religion can cause clients in sex addiction recovery. We also clarify what healthy faith looks like and how it can be used as a powerful sobriety tool. If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more about Dr. Zaksek, you can find him here at Integrative Psychology: https://www.integrativea2.com/our-staff.htmlI have a ton of respect for Don and trust him with my clients in recovery. If you are interested in joining one of my upcoming intensives and recovery groups, visit my website here: successfuladdict.com