When Love is a Hustle: Healing the Fixer Identity, with Dr Natalie, #93

When Love is a Hustle: Healing the Fixer Identity, with Dr Natalie Cawley #93   If you’ve ever over-functioned in a romantic relationship hoping to feel enough, this episode is for you. My guest is Dr Natalie Cawley, psychotherapist, counselling psychologist and author of Just About Coping: A real-life drama from the psychotherapist’s chair. Natalie shares openly about her own challenges with over-giving in her personal relationships, showing that we’re ALL prone to struggles – even therapists! We get into the *real* reason you keep over-giving, and how to finally stop it. Listen out for my own cringey/I-have-so-much-compassion-for-my-younger-self moment with an emotionally unavailable partner. This conversation feels like a warm, honest hug, with a gentle kick in the ash.    Links:   Natalie Cawley’s website & book   Natalie on Instagram   Mandy on Instagram  

Ever said, “No worries, it’s fine,” when it absolutely wasn’t fine? Or maybe you’ve pushed down your needs and shape-shifted into whoever you thought you needed to be in a particular situation. That’s not kindness. That’s fawning—people-pleasing’s sneakier, brain-based cousin. In this episode, neuroscientist and author of Rewire, Nicole Vignola, joins me for a juicy, no-fluff convo about why we fawn, what’s going on in the brain when we do it, and how to unhook from this exhausting survival pattern. Nicole shares real talk from her own relationships, where she caught herself over-functioning, then said the magic word: “Enough.” Expect science, self-awareness, and some serious permission to want more. Nicole creates a practical de-fawning practice to help you shift out of appeasement and into enoughness. We kick things off with a little warm-up game I almost edited out… but didn’t. Come play enoughness ping pong with us and feel instantly more human. Tune in now. Because “fine” is officially cancelled.   Links:   Nicole Vignola’s website and book. Nicole on Instagram. Mandy on Instagram.  

Reinvention often stirs up a storm—self-doubt, not-enoughness, the old habits of perfectionism and overworking. We think we have to earn our way out of stuckness. But what if the answer wasn’t in doing more—but in needing less? What if your enoughness was right there in plain sight, but you’ve been looking for it in the wrong places? This week, I’m joined by the glorious Donna Ashworth: poet, best-selling author, and queen of reinvention. She’s been a music industry exec, a magazine journalist, a business owner (of a children’s play centre) —and through each chapter, she’s rewritten what it means to feel enough. By using her poet’s eye, Donna has mastered the art of being easily pleased—finding beauty in the ordinary, and joy in the small. And in doing so, she’s removed the pressure to get reinvention “right.” If you’ve ever felt stuck, lost, or like it’s too late to start over… this conversation will feel like a deep exhale.   Links Donna Ashworth’s website & books Donna Ashworth on Instagram Mandy Lehto on Instagram Julia Baird episode  

What actually holds you together when life blindsides you? Maybe it’s a breakup. A diagnosis. Or the crushing weight of everything right now. If you’re wired for hustle, your first instinct might be to work through it—to push harder, achieve more, be exceptional. What if the answer wasn’t in doing more, but in seeing oneself as LESS? Wait, what? Julia Baird—broadcaster, journalist, and bestselling author—gets it. She loves being hyper-productive. But when her world cracked open, she didn’t seek solace in success. Instead, she discovered the power of her shrinking self and the practice of deliberately seeking awe. In this episode, we dive into the joys (and downsides) of hyper-productivity. We examine “the shrinking self”— and why it might be your secret weapon during tough times. We talk about the sustaining power of deep friendships, ocean swimming and dancing. You’ll also learn what Julia has recently said “ENOUGH!” to and felt better for it. You know those episodes where you take notes, read the transcript, and listen twice? This might be one of them. 0:00 Intro 3:40 Julia’s broken foot. The Guardian article on the need to be special 6:00 Julia shares that she loves being hyper-productive 10:10 Julia talks about her Calvinistic work ethic – the sense that we must contribute to the world 14:45 Julia could write during difficult times 15:30 The importance of feeling small 19:17 The shrinking self 20:44 The overview effect 23:20 If we’re too into achievement, we can experience the power of silence 25:46 Exploring what makes us strong. Julia discusses examples after her breakup 28:49 Things that “glow” in moments of darkness – like ocean swimming for Julia 30:30 Slow looking 34:54 The power of connection and female friendships 40:00 Maybe “ordinariness” is the wrong word 41:24 Julia’s powerful quote that Mandy reads out 44:50 Julia has learned a lot from people who are “broken” – she refers to Nick Cave’s music 47:28 What Julia is saying “Enough!” to, and feeling better for it 50:00 Julia’s word(s) of the year 51:10 OUTRO Links Julia Baird’s books: Phosphorescence; Bright Shining: How grace changes everything. Julia Baird’s Ted talk, The Power of Feeling Small. Julia on Instagram. Mandy on Instagram. Dacher Keltner’s book, Awe. The Guardian article: Why we should stop wishing we were special – and celebrate being ordinary.  

You’re all out of give, and even the smallest request can spark an outsized reaction: DON’T YOU KNOW HOW BUSY I AM? Go away! Anger feels right under the skin, and the slightest provocation can unleash it – anything from loud chewing to an urgent email. You used to be fun. Things didn’t used to annoy you like this. You might be thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” So, you try to do more to finish your never-ending list. Then you’ll rest. But you find yourself ever more exhausted and reactive. Doing more is not the answer. This solo Coaching Corner episode will show you what is...We dive into your nervous system, your hormones, and having a cold, hard look at your true capacity. You’ll leave with some powerful coaching questions to help turn down the hair-trigger-ness of your annoyance. 0:00 Intro 3:10 Your nervous system as a first-day-on-the-job security guard 5:20 Am you just stressed, or is your nervous system dysregulated? 6:20 What is your reactivity trying to tell you? 6:50 Three tips you can try 7:36 Did you know this happens during perimenopause and menopause? *This explains a LOT. 9:05 Are you really honoring your capacity?  9:40 Do you do these things? 11:08 Three coaching questions to mull over 11:55 Outro Links: Episode 78 of Enough, the Podcast, with Jen Man (on the nervous system)  

   On the outside, Dr Mel Hicks (47) had it all. She's been a global philanthropist for two decades. She’s a published author, keynote speaker, and has travelled to 44 countries. But another failed marriage, and an emergency hysterectomy threw Mel into shame and self-doubt. She was alone again, and she’d never be a mother – and she blamed herself. As a high-achiever and a self-proclaimed “runner” from her problems, Mel dove into her charity work, and drank and partied so she wouldn’t have to face her feelings of not-enoughness. She finally had to confront the big emotions she’d been running from. Can she find a new way of relating to herself if she’s not a mom, and still feel enough? Let’s find out…  0:00 Intro   2:22. Why Mel’s inability to have children caused her to feel so much not-enoughness   4:03 When Mandy’s second marriage fell apart, and the not-enoughness she felt   4:59 Mel’s second divorce was a pivotal moment for her   9:49 The shame of not being part of the “motherhood club”   12:27 Mel’s fibroid diagnosis   13:35 Mel’s coping mechanisms (wine and work)   15:41 Liz Gilbert quote. Mel gets fed up of her own BS   17:31 “I forgive you”   20:04 The exhaustion of pushing down emotions   21:22 Mel allowed her shame stories to surface   24:58 Moving forward vs “running”   26:23 Shame resilience   28:09 How Mel picked shame apart   32:57/Outro What Mel has recently said “Enough!” to   Links   Melanie Sue Hicks’s website and book.   Mel on Instagram   Mandy on Instagram

Operating from fear and scarcity means you’re not reading life accurately. The same is true if you’re moving through life guided solely by intellect – head wisdom – ignoring the superior wisdom of the other senses. My guest is spiritual teacher and NYT best-selling author, Sonia Choquette, who shares some practices from her new book, Read Life Accurately. She helps us to tune into our energetic alerts, within ourselves, others, and the places we work and live in. More and more scientific research supports what intuitive practitioners have known all along – that being connected to our bodily sensations, listening to those “nudges” can help us perform better in high-pressure environments, manage stress, and make less impulsive decisions.  Links Sonia Choquette’s website/books. Sonia on Instagram Mandy on Instagram Jessica Maguire’s blog on the nervous system (including reference to London traders research). Dene Logan post on Instagram about over-giving as a desire to be rescued.  

Is your measure of success focused purely on your own achievements? Maybe you’re at a time in your life when you’re questioning legacy, purpose, and who you are beneath your job title. Maybe you’re thinking about what it means to contribute and to matter in society. Baroness Lola Young was one of the first black women members of the House of Lords. She’s been an actress, an academic, and a cross-bench peer. She’s also an active campaigner against modern slavery and unethical fashion. Her new book, Eight Weeks, an account of being raised in foster care and children’s homes between the ages of eight weeks and 18 years. In this conversation I talk to Lola about the influence of her challenging past on her identity and choice of career. We probe into what it means to matter – I’m curious if mattering might be an antidote to the hyper-individualization, loneliness and disconnection so many people are feeling. What could “mattering” look like in your own life? Could being of service (more intentionally) help you to feel enough? Let’s find out. 00:00 Intro 4:47 Who is Lola Young? 6:08 Lola’s thoughts on identity – being black, female and “in care.” 7:45 Jerry Colonna’s big question, “To whom do I belong?” 8:21 How Lola’s early experiences shaped her identify and feelings of enoughness. 14:46 Description of her book, Eight Weeks: Looking Back, Moving Forwards, Defying the Odds. 18:45 The connection between enoughness and the hyper-individualistic society we live in. What is “mattering?” 20:40 Mattering and enoughness. 23:14 Her peers growing up were tuned into the public need and public service. 24:43 Did Lola’s challenging upbringing influence her choice of career? 28:39 Does Lola feel enough in this season of her life? 31:31 Lola’s Brick of Wisdom 32:43 Outro 34:04 Sonia Choquette is my next guest. LINKS Lola Young’s book Eight Weeks. Lola Young’s Wikipedia page. Dr Gordon Flett’s book on Mattering. Episode 85 on Kindness with Dr David Hamilton. Episode 77 with Jerry Colonna.  

You may have heard about the health benefits of being kind. Not only can it lower blood pressure, and boost immunity. It can also positively alter your relationship with yourself, which piqued my interest for those of us who’ve spent decades driving ourselves relentlessly. Is kindfulness a solution to feelings of not-enoughness?  Dr David Hamilton is a speaker, columnist, and author of twelve books, including his most recent, The Joy of Actually Giving a F*ck. He’s delivered kindness sessions for Google, Bank of England, the NHS, and many others.  In this episode, David and I discuss “kind genes”, how mindfulness doesn’t help everyone to be kinder, and rethinking what success can feel like. David also gives us a kindness challenge, which I’ve been taking. Hear some of the things I’ve been trying.  0:00 Intro 3:04 Definition of “kindfulness” 4:00 Does mindfulness work for everyone? 6:26 What mindfulness actually does. 7:18 Does it make you more self-critical? 11:02 David’s “Inner Buddha” technique 15:50 The fear that self-compassion means we lose motivation 17:12 Productivity, creativity and neural networks 20:35 What success “feels” like as you’re pursuing it 28:45 The Physical benefits of kindness 33:21 Research on kindness and self-esteem 35:04 “Writing as a technology of healing,” (to use Jessica Waite’s phrase from the previous episode) 41:29 David’s 7 days of kindness challenge 44:18 List of what Mandy tried 47:17 One of David’s ideas 50:19 David’s Brick of Wisdom 51:12 Outro Links: Dr David Hamilton (includes his new book). Episode 66 of Enough, the Podcast (on kindness).  Alexandra Franzen’s list of 50 ways to be ridiculously generous.  

Headphones recommended.  I’m in conversation with Jessica Waite, best-selling author of The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards. Sean, Jessica’s husband of 17 years, died unexpectedly, and after his funeral, when some of his personal effects were returned, she started piecing together parts of his secret life. In this conversation we talk about how you put your life back together after a romantic relationship ends. What if it’s complicated by grief, shock, and infidelity? Jessica talks about the importance of feeling her feelings – including questioning her enoughness, and an act of revenge. We discuss the use of writing as a technology of healing. You’ll also hear how she’s navigating being thrust onto the world stage with her vulnerable story, and how she’s grounding herself. Compelling, thought-provoking, and insightful. Join us! 3:44 How Jessica’s life unravelled after her husband’s unexpected death. 8:35 How did she make sense of his pornography addiction – and how that was different to the breach of trust in her marriage when she uncovered her husband’s affair. 13:42 “Emotional Spanx” – Emotions will bulge out somewhere; they cannot be cordoned off. 16:00 What is wholeness? 18:03 How Jessica practiced levity and compassion. How writing helped her to see herself as a character. 23:36 Writing as a technology of healing. 27:00 Some odd, paranormal situations start happening in Jessica’s life. 35:44 When starting to share vulnerable stories, it’s important who you share with. 36:01 The risk of sharing is real. Jessica’s story hits the British tabloids. 40:10 What Jessica is learning about who she is in this season of her life. 42:40 Grief as a dissolution of identity that leads to a reforming. 44:30 Strictly Come Dancing ex-dancer Janette Manrara talks about the pressures of public scrutiny 47:46 Jessica’s take on the arm-chair critics. 51:22 Brick of Wisdom 52:29 OUTRO – with a closing comment by Jessica Links Jessica Waite’s website Jessica Waite’s book. Jessica Waite on Instagram. Mark Silverman’s episode (he discusses “Morning Pages”). Rosie Nixon’s episode (where she talks about life-changing lists). Full episode of Janette Manrara from Strictly Come Dancing.