The Fix-It Trap: Shame, Body Image and the Search for Wholeness with Kate Gies #97

Have you ever thought, If I just fixed that one thing, I'd finally feel OK? In this episode of Enough, the Podcast, we're talking about body image, shame, and the quiet fix-it logic so many women live inside — especially in midlife. My guest, Kate Gies, was born without an ear and underwent 14 reconstructive surgeries as a child, each one promising to finally make her whole. What she learned — far earlier than most of us — is that fixing the body rarely delivers the relief it promises. This conversation isn't about giving up on your appearance. It's about questioning what you're asking your appearance to do for you. We explore: Why the beauty industry relies on low-grade shame to keep us fixing How body image becomes a stand-in for deeper questions about worth The myth that one more improvement will finally make you feel enough What wholeness looks like when it isn't tied to perfection How to tell the difference between choice and conditioning If you've ever negotiated with your reflection… If you care about how you look and resent how much it matters… If you're curious about what changes when appearance stops being proof of your worth… This episode will land. Press play and consider what might be driving your appearance-related decisions – zero judgment; no fixing (or solutions;) just pure curiosity.    LINKS Kate Gies's website (and her book, It Must Beautiful To Be Finished). Kate Gies on Instagram. Mandy Lehto on Instagram.  

  Be honest. You secretly love how much you can endure. Like it's a badge of honour that you can take on more, stay longer, push harder, and still (kinda) look put together? But here's the kicker: What if that "unstoppable drive" isn't grit at all? What if it's your nervous system running on a decades-old operating system — one that learned, way back when, that proving yourself was the only way to stay safe, loved, or valuable? That would explain some things, wouldn't it? Like why you: Secretly check emails on holiday… in the bathroom… while everyone else is having fun. Stay in jobs, relationships, and projects way past their expiry date because nobody's gonna underestimate you. Celebrate big wins by immediately asking, "Cool, what's next?" instead of, you know, celebrating. If you're nodding (and maybe wincing), this episode is your mirror. I'm joined by Anna Runkle (aka The Crappy Childhood Fairy, YouTube queen, and new author of Re-Regulated) and Dr Sarah Madigan, psychologist extraordinaire, to ask one big question: What's really driving your drive? We'll poke at the shiny, high-achiever veneer and ask whether your ambition is actually joy-fuelled — or just a trauma pattern in designer shoes. You'll learn: How over-achievement can be a sneaky trauma response (and why that doesn't make you "broken"). The surprising body tells that your drive has tipped from energising to dysregulating. Why noticing your patterns is the most subversive act of self-preservation you can do. How to make your ambition sustainable instead of soul-scorching. This is not about "fixing" your drive. It's about untangling it, so it stops running you into the ground and starts fuelling the life you actually want. If you've ever asked yourself, "Why am I like this?" — press play.   LINKS Anna Runkle's website, book(s), and free resource she mentions Dr Sarah Madigan's website Dr Sarah Madigan was a guest on episode 63 of Enough, the Podcast Listen HERE The Three Circles Model by Paul Gilbert What's Driving Your Drive QUIZ      

Ever said, "No worries, all good" while your insides screamed otherwise? That's not weakness. That was your nervous system doing its genius, trauma-sourced thing: fawning. In this episode, author and clinical psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton shows us that fawning isn't a personality flaw—it's a self-abandonment pattern we can gently unlearn, because it's costing you. Big time. We get into why fawning isn't actually "being nice." You'll learn how it shows up day to day, and how you can start building safety from the inside out, so saying "No", or being in conflict doesn't feel so terrifying. If you're regularly "fine with whatever," or feel unable to express preferences, objections and big emotions, you're going to want to listen to this.    LINKS Dr. Ingrid Clayton's Website and book Ingrid on Substack Ingrid on Instagram  

You're used to pushing hard – in fact, your identity is built on it. What happens when your body forces you to stop? Who are you then? That's what happened to psychologist Jo Rodriguez, a behind-the-scenes TV expert, marathon runner, and mum who loved being called a machine. One day, what seemed like a simple illness forced her to slow down. She continued her relentless routine, and the mystery illness kept reappearing until the pain became unbearable, and Jo's heart nearly doubled in size. After a diagnosis of pericarditis, she lay in hospital wondering if she'd ever feel worthy again. Could she find a new way of being without her super-achiever identity? In this raw, moving conversation, Jo shares what it was like to go through the stages of grief, the self-doubt, the false surrenders, and the small shift that finally started opening a new way of being.    LINKS Jo Rodriguez on Instagram Mandy Lehto on Instagram  

When Love is a Hustle: Healing the Fixer Identity, with Dr Natalie Cawley #93   If you've ever over-functioned in a romantic relationship hoping to feel enough, this episode is for you. My guest is Dr Natalie Cawley, psychotherapist, counselling psychologist and author of Just About Coping: A real-life drama from the psychotherapist's chair. Natalie shares openly about her own challenges with over-giving in her personal relationships, showing that we're ALL prone to struggles – even therapists! We get into the *real* reason you keep over-giving, and how to finally stop it. Listen out for my own cringey/I-have-so-much-compassion-for-my-younger-self moment with an emotionally unavailable partner. This conversation feels like a warm, honest hug, with a gentle kick in the ash.    Links:   Natalie Cawley's website & book   Natalie on Instagram   Mandy on Instagram  

Ever said, "No worries, it's fine," when it absolutely wasn't fine? Or maybe you've pushed down your needs and shape-shifted into whoever you thought you needed to be in a particular situation. That's not kindness. That's fawning—people-pleasing's sneakier, brain-based cousin. In this episode, neuroscientist and author of Rewire, Nicole Vignola, joins me for a juicy, no-fluff convo about why we fawn, what's going on in the brain when we do it, and how to unhook from this exhausting survival pattern. Nicole shares real talk from her own relationships, where she caught herself over-functioning, then said the magic word: "Enough." Expect science, self-awareness, and some serious permission to want more. Nicole creates a practical de-fawning practice to help you shift out of appeasement and into enoughness. We kick things off with a little warm-up game I almost edited out… but didn't. Come play enoughness ping pong with us and feel instantly more human. Tune in now. Because "fine" is officially cancelled.   Links:   Nicole Vignola's website and book. Nicole on Instagram. Mandy on Instagram.  

Reinvention often stirs up a storm—self-doubt, not-enoughness, the old habits of perfectionism and overworking. We think we have to earn our way out of stuckness. But what if the answer wasn't in doing more—but in needing less? What if your enoughness was right there in plain sight, but you've been looking for it in the wrong places? This week, I'm joined by the glorious Donna Ashworth: poet, best-selling author, and queen of reinvention. She's been a music industry exec, a magazine journalist, a business owner (of a children's play centre) —and through each chapter, she's rewritten what it means to feel enough. By using her poet's eye, Donna has mastered the art of being easily pleased—finding beauty in the ordinary, and joy in the small. And in doing so, she's removed the pressure to get reinvention "right." If you've ever felt stuck, lost, or like it's too late to start over… this conversation will feel like a deep exhale.   Links Donna Ashworth's website & books Donna Ashworth on Instagram Mandy Lehto on Instagram Julia Baird episode  

What actually holds you together when life blindsides you? Maybe it's a breakup. A diagnosis. Or the crushing weight of everything right now. If you're wired for hustle, your first instinct might be to work through it—to push harder, achieve more, be exceptional. What if the answer wasn't in doing more, but in seeing oneself as LESS? Wait, what? Julia Baird—broadcaster, journalist, and bestselling author—gets it. She loves being hyper-productive. But when her world cracked open, she didn't seek solace in success. Instead, she discovered the power of her shrinking self and the practice of deliberately seeking awe. In this episode, we dive into the joys (and downsides) of hyper-productivity. We examine "the shrinking self"— and why it might be your secret weapon during tough times. We talk about the sustaining power of deep friendships, ocean swimming and dancing. You'll also learn what Julia has recently said "ENOUGH!" to and felt better for it. You know those episodes where you take notes, read the transcript, and listen twice? This might be one of them. 0:00 Intro 3:40 Julia's broken foot. The Guardian article on the need to be special 6:00 Julia shares that she loves being hyper-productive 10:10 Julia talks about her Calvinistic work ethic – the sense that we must contribute to the world 14:45 Julia could write during difficult times 15:30 The importance of feeling small 19:17 The shrinking self 20:44 The overview effect 23:20 If we're too into achievement, we can experience the power of silence 25:46 Exploring what makes us strong. Julia discusses examples after her breakup 28:49 Things that "glow" in moments of darkness – like ocean swimming for Julia 30:30 Slow looking 34:54 The power of connection and female friendships 40:00 Maybe "ordinariness" is the wrong word 41:24 Julia's powerful quote that Mandy reads out 44:50 Julia has learned a lot from people who are "broken" – she refers to Nick Cave's music 47:28 What Julia is saying "Enough!" to, and feeling better for it 50:00 Julia's word(s) of the year 51:10 OUTRO Links Julia Baird's books: Phosphorescence; Bright Shining: How grace changes everything. Julia Baird's Ted talk, The Power of Feeling Small. Julia on Instagram. Mandy on Instagram. Dacher Keltner's book, Awe. The Guardian article: Why we should stop wishing we were special – and celebrate being ordinary.  

You're all out of give, and even the smallest request can spark an outsized reaction: DON'T YOU KNOW HOW BUSY I AM? Go away! Anger feels right under the skin, and the slightest provocation can unleash it – anything from loud chewing to an urgent email. You used to be fun. Things didn't used to annoy you like this. You might be thinking, "What's wrong with me?" So, you try to do more to finish your never-ending list. Then you'll rest. But you find yourself ever more exhausted and reactive. Doing more is not the answer. This solo Coaching Corner episode will show you what is...We dive into your nervous system, your hormones, and having a cold, hard look at your true capacity. You'll leave with some powerful coaching questions to help turn down the hair-trigger-ness of your annoyance. 0:00 Intro 3:10 Your nervous system as a first-day-on-the-job security guard 5:20 Am you just stressed, or is your nervous system dysregulated? 6:20 What is your reactivity trying to tell you? 6:50 Three tips you can try 7:36 Did you know this happens during perimenopause and menopause? *This explains a LOT. 9:05 Are you really honoring your capacity?  9:40 Do you do these things? 11:08 Three coaching questions to mull over 11:55 Outro Links: Episode 78 of Enough, the Podcast, with Jen Man (on the nervous system)  

   On the outside, Dr Mel Hicks (47) had it all. She's been a global philanthropist for two decades. She's a published author, keynote speaker, and has travelled to 44 countries. But another failed marriage, and an emergency hysterectomy threw Mel into shame and self-doubt. She was alone again, and she'd never be a mother – and she blamed herself. As a high-achiever and a self-proclaimed "runner" from her problems, Mel dove into her charity work, and drank and partied so she wouldn't have to face her feelings of not-enoughness. She finally had to confront the big emotions she'd been running from. Can she find a new way of relating to herself if she's not a mom, and still feel enough? Let's find out…  0:00 Intro   2:22. Why Mel's inability to have children caused her to feel so much not-enoughness   4:03 When Mandy's second marriage fell apart, and the not-enoughness she felt   4:59 Mel's second divorce was a pivotal moment for her   9:49 The shame of not being part of the "motherhood club"   12:27 Mel's fibroid diagnosis   13:35 Mel's coping mechanisms (wine and work)   15:41 Liz Gilbert quote. Mel gets fed up of her own BS   17:31 "I forgive you"   20:04 The exhaustion of pushing down emotions   21:22 Mel allowed her shame stories to surface   24:58 Moving forward vs "running"   26:23 Shame resilience   28:09 How Mel picked shame apart   32:57/Outro What Mel has recently said "Enough!" to   Links   Melanie Sue Hicks's website and book.   Mel on Instagram   Mandy on Instagram