The Dark Side of Control

What if joy isn't something you wait for until life gets easier, but the very thing that helps you get through it? Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal joins me to talk about her new book, Joy Is a Risk Worth Taking, and how small moments of joy remind us that life is worth living, that we belong, and that good things are still possible. We talk about how joy and grief live side by side, why joy is contagious (you can actually smell it), and simple experiments you can try today, even when you're not feeling it.Listen and LearnSmall moments of joy signal that life is worth livingSharing your joy builds trust, connection and belongingKeep doing what you love, even when joy feels mutedRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica

Have you ever felt scattered: your attention in one place, your feelings in another, your motivation somewhere out of reach? I came home from leading a retreat at Esalen feeling just like the grass I saw scattering its seeds across the hillside on the drive up. In this episode, I share five ways to find your way back when you feel scattered, from expanding your space to connecting the dots, and why the goal isn't to get rid of the scatter, but to be with it in a different way.Listen and LearnWhy expanding your space, like looking at the hillside rather than the seeds, can ease the feeling of being scatteredHow asking "What are you loving about yourself right now?" shifts you out of self-criticismWhat attention residue is, and what a two-week mobile-internet study shows about sustained attentionThe difference between incubating and procrastinating, and why stepping away can help ideas connectA paper-folding practice for connecting the dots when you feel scatteredRelated ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.

What do you do when you know something needs to end, but you can't quite let go? This episode gives you the psychological science behind why endings are so hard, plus a six-step practice for moving through them with more ease. Drawing on the concept of the "action crisis" — that push-pull of doubt, confusion, and rumination we feel when we're clinging to something past its time — Diana walks through what she learned by ending something in her life, and the concrete steps that helped her let go and begin again.Listen and Learn:Why endings feel so hard — and the four signs you're stuck in an "action crisis"A six-step practice for letting go: from "so be it, and so it is" to honoring what continues, to giving yourself permission to begin anewWhy getting the "kitten" doesn't mean replacing the "cat" — and why that's okayHow a simple ritual can turn a hard ending into an honored oneListen to the full episode now — and if you're moving through an ending of your own, share it with someone who needs the reminder that beginnings always follow.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.

Have you hit a wall in midlife and started wondering if it's too late to build something bigger? This episode gives you concrete, science-backed practices for answering that question and reclaiming the life you actually want. Diana talks with NPR health correspondent Allison Aubrey, author of Your Turn: How to Create a Midlife You Love, about what it took for her to move from decades of striving and burnout toward something freer and more her own — from parts work that names the "striver" running the show, to turning a big dream into a realistic plan, to the strength training that keeps you capable and free as you age.Listen and learn:How IFS (parts work) can help you find the striver part driving your burnout — and make room for who you were before the world had expectations of youThe WOOP method for turning a big wish into a workable plan by naming the real obstacles in your wayWhy dream incubation is backed by real science, not superstition — and how to try it tonightThe "nine lives" exercise: a two-minute writing prompt that reveals what you actually want, underneath what you think you should wantListen to the full conversation now — and if it speaks to you, share it with someone standing at the edge of their own larger life.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica

After a client checked in on her wellbeing following a newsletter that said she felt overwhelmed, Diana reflects on how modern life collapses the space we need to know what fuels us versus drains us. She shares creating space through an “energy audit,” moving commitments, stepping back from Instagram, and hiring help, alongside preparing for an emotionally significant talk at her son’s prestigious prep school where her eating disorder and perfectionism began. In her Sangha/Dharma talk, she reframes “space between stimulus and response” into space within, between, and around us, emphasizing psychological distancing—relating to thoughts and feelings rather than being inside them. Drawing from time in the ER with a close friend recovering from extensive cancer surgery, she explores interbehavioral fields, brain “syncing” research, and the idea that what holds everything is consciousness. Listen and learn:How space is not between stimulus and response but within, between, and around us.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica

Dr. Diana Hill shares how retreat helps clarify where your energy is aligned or depleted, drawing on her family’s annual week at Plum Village, a Buddhist Monastery founded by Thich Nhat Hahn. When you go on retreat, you come back to yourself and things become more clear for you about how you want to use your energy, about where you're off track, where you're out of alignment. Listen to this episode to hear five lessons she learned from Plum Village that you can apply to your daily life right now.Listen and learn:Lesson One Let Yourself CryLesson Two Sometimes HappensLesson Three Missing InstrumentLesson Four Disease PurifiesLesson Five Movement Has LifeIf this episode helps, share it with someone whose energy is misaligned and drained.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica

Do you get grippy, anxious, or self-critical when life doesn’t go the way you planned? In this Secret Sangha episode, I explore the paradox and dark side of control—sparked by what happened at a private dinner after my Tell the Truth Salon event with Dan Siegel. Drawing on Dan’s ABC motivational systems (agency, belonging, certainty), we unpack how control spirals show up as rumination, self-blame, people-pleasing, or criticism. I also share how one question at dinner revealed that many pivotal moments in our lives come when control is ripped away.Listen and learn:The ABC systems behind your control habits: agency, belonging, and certaintyCommon “dark side” control strategies (inner focus, outer focus, and push-pull)What’s not up to you (others’ actions, happiness, thoughts/feelings, outcomes) and what is (your actions and response)The Wise Effort method: get curious, sort what you can/can’t control, and focus your energyIf this episode helps, share it with someone who’s stuck in a control loop.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica

On The Wise Effort show, Diana Hill talks with Dr. Joseph Ciarrochi, a researcher in process-based therapy and ACT, about self-righteous anger and how to stay honest and kind when others aren’t. They explore the psychology of getting “hijacked” in conflict, describing outrage and being right as an addiction (experiential attachment) distinct from experiential avoidance, with different intervention implications. Using examples like a conflict with neighbors, online outrage, and relationship fights, they discuss wise distance, not adding fuel to the fire, asserting boundaries when effective, and directing core human yearnings (competence, connection, purpose, meaning, orientation, and feeling) toward what truly satisfies rather than empty status pursuits.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica

Dr. Diana Hill interviews contemplative social scientist and emotion researcher Dr. Eve Ekman, senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and co-creator (with her father Paul Ekman) of The Atlas of Emotions, a tool requested by the Dalai Lama to help people understand how emotions arise and are experienced. They discuss why “emotion regulation” can miss the larger richness of emotions, and how the Atlas emphasizes triggers, physiology, personal history, and—most importantly—our responses, which can be constructive or destructive. Ekman describes building awareness over time rather than relying on quick fixes, the costs of suppression, and the role of sangha and relationships in working with emotions. The conversation also explores grief, caregiving, Father’s Day, impermanence, and Ekman’s experience losing her 91-year-old father after dementia, including relief, tenderness, and the social nature of emotions.Listen and Learn:Emotions are more than something to regulate.Emotional awareness is built through practice.Making room for grief can deepen love and connection.Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.

Are you feeling disconnected from what you know is true for you—and overriding it anyway? In this live-recorded Wise Effort episode, Diana Hill explores “truth” (personal, collective, spiritual, and scientific) and how it’s often simple, close, profound, or even hard to accept. She shares ways truth emerges through rough initiations, deep listening to the body and intuition, unexpected states of consciousness, solitude, real conversation with epistemic humility, and connection to nature as a resilience factor. She closes with a “truth or dare” invitation to name a truth and take one action to live it this week.Listen and Learn:There are overlapping truths from science and spirituality, including that we’re not separate selves, the mind extends beyond the brain, attention shapes the brainAvenues to finding your truthsHow awareness is different from thoughts and feelings. Related ResourcesGet enhanced show notes for this episode>>>Join Diana live November 2 for a free Sangha talk and meditation<<<Join the Wise Effort Sangha to access the live Sangha event and previous recordings.Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.Sign up for Diana's newsletterOrder Diana's book, Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, and receive special bonus gifts.Diana's EventsJoin our weekly live SanghaCome to Costa Rica in April 2027 with DianaSee Diana at an upcoming eventConnecting With DianaSubscribe for free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Leave a 5-star review on Apple so people like you can find the show.Follow Diana on Psychology Today, Insight Timer, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Diana’s website.Sign up for the free Wise Effort Newsletter.Thanks to the team, Craig and Ashley Hiatt, and Benjamin Gould of Bell & Branch for your beautiful music.Mentioned in this episode:Come to Costa Rica with Diana in April 2027Diana's Retreat in Costa Rica