How Not to Live Through Our Kids

First, we’re setting aside our own hopes and dreams to have (and raise) our kids. Then, we’re relentlessly mocked (perhaps correctly) for being overinvested in the fourth-grade luau. Are we living through our kids? And how do we stop? Psychologists have long said that mothers transfer our own unfulfilled ambition onto our children. “Symbolic self-completion theory” suggests that we look to our children as symbols of ourselves, and transfer our ambitions to them— which is why we’re not jealous when they get the big part in the school play; we’re a little too thrilled. Sing out, Louise! But as psychologist Wendy Mogel reminds us, our children are not our masterpieces , and pushing them towards our own notions of greatness prevents them from becoming the humans they are meant to be. In this episode, we discuss the pitfalls of “achievement by proxy distortion” and how to take a step back if you find yourself a little too enmeshed. Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Our Fresh Take with Wendy Mogel Wendy Mogel: BLESSING OF A SKINNED KNEE Our episode "Pushing Kids the Just-Right Amount" What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/⁠ mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, living through your kids, parenting psychology, ambition transference, symbolic self completion theory, achievement by proxy distortion, youth sports parents, parenting expectations, supporting kids passions, parenting identity, parenting advice podcast, parenting and ambition, modern parenting challenges Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In honor of Women's History Month, this "Deep Dive" series highlights some of our past interview episodes about raising daughters. How do we raise our daughters to feel empowered, rather than helpless, in the face of gender bias? ⁠Dr. Jo-Ann Finkelstein⁠, PhD, author of book ⁠SEXISM AND SENSIBILITY⁠, offers parenting tips to prepare our girls for the modern world. Dr. Finkelstein, Amy, and Margaret discuss: The limits of the "girl power" line of thinking How to teach girls what is and isn't in their control when it comes to sexism How to recognize and combat sexism in our own parenting Here's where you can find Dr. Finkelstein: ⁠www.joannfinkelstein.com⁠ @joannfinkelstein.phd on IG/TikTok Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD - Author on FB @finkeljo on Twitter Buy SEXISM AND SENSIBILITY: ⁠https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593581162⁠ What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/⁠ mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, sexism and sensibility, raising girls, feminist parenting, everyday sexism, end sexism, gender equality matters, smash the patriarchy, double standards, girl power, body positive, parenting teens, teen health, equal partnership, respect women, teen mental health matters Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What does it really mean to be a Black single mother in America? Why are the stories we hear and tell about that experience so often incomplete? Margaret talks with cultural critic, writer, and editor Jamilah Lemieux, author of Black. Single. Mother: Real-Life Tales of Longing and Belonging. Jamilah discusses the fears she initially had about writing openly about single motherhood—and how the process ultimately became one of healing, honesty, and connection. Together, they explore the realities behind the stereotypes surrounding Black single mothers and the complicated mix of love, resilience, struggle, and community that shapes these experiences. Here's where you can find Jamilah Lemieux: https://www.jamilahlemieux.com/ @jamilahlemieux on IG/Threads/X facebook.com/jamilahlemieux Buy BLACK. SINGLE. MOTHER: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593447543 See the locations and dates for Jamilah's book tour here! What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ What Fresh Hell podcast, mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, Black single motherhood, Jamilah Lemieux interview, Black motherhood, single mother stereotypes, parenting and race, Black parenting stories, motherhood essays, cultural critic parenting, parenting and identity, race and motherhood, parenting interview, motherhood narratives Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Are screens ruining our kids' childhoods? Is AI going to rot our brains in the next thirty days? Or are these the latest examples of a very human tendency: the catastrophizing of change? From the dawn of the printing press to the Satanic panic over heavy metal lyrics, we explore the long history of social panics, find familiar patterns, and discuss our findings, including: Why parents are often thrust onto the front lines of new technology fears Why each generation believes the newest media will cause moral or cognitive decline The role of mass media and politics in amplifying fear How parents can keep perspective while still setting healthy limits on technology Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Brittany Wong for HuffPost: New Study Shows This Social Platform Can Shift Your Politics To The Right — And It Happens Very Fast Wikipedia: definition of a moral panic Jo Ellen Parker for Liberal Arts Online: Socrates on Technology Christie Stratos: Why Did the Victorians Think It Was Dangerous for Women to Read Novels and Newspapers? Ana Vogrinčič for Media Research Journal: The Novel-Reading Panic in 18thCentury in England: An Outline of an Early Moral Media Panic Sarah Durn for Atlas Obscura: How Gruesome Penny Dreadfuls Got Victorian Children Reading Miller Kern for Ball Bearings Magazine: The Downfall of Society PS Art Books: The Comic Book Burnings of the 1940s: A Cultural Firestorm What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ What Fresh Hell podcast, mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, parenting panics, moral panic parenting, screen time kids, technology and children, parenting fears, media panic history, parenting and technology, video games and kids, screen time debate, parenting anxiety, social media and kids, parenting trends history, generational parenting fears, digital parenting Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Based on a recent listener question about letting go as your kids get older and gain more independence, we're highlighting some of our past interview episodes that address this topic. Anxiety is a natural response to stress. Sometimes it’s even useful, like when it alerts us to danger. But when anxiety grips our children, they often don’t (can’t) explain how they’re feeling, and their inner turmoil can take over. In this episode we discuss: coping strategies for all ages and stages how anxiety in children can be easy to miss the negative behaviors anxious kids might exhibit  why letting our kids avoid anxiety-causing situations is counterproductive how anxiety "lives in the future” We also interview ⁠Dr. Lisa Damour⁠ about her book ⁠Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls⁠. Dr. Damour’s book is full of empathetic insight and useful takeaways for helping our anxious daughters (and sons). Here’s links to other research and writing discussed in this episode: Lindsay Holmes for Huffington Post Life: ⁠10 Things People Get Wrong About Anxiety ⁠ Liz Matheis for anxiety.org: ⁠Identifying Signs of Anxiety in Children ⁠ CDC: ⁠Data and Statistics on Children's Mental Health⁠ Metropolitan CBT: ⁠About Anxiety⁠  What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ What Fresh Hell podcast, mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, childhood anxiety, anxiety in kids, parenting anxious children, Dr. Lisa Damour, Under Pressure book, stress in girls, teen anxiety, kids mental health, coping strategies for anxiety, signs of anxiety in children, hidden anxiety, anxious behaviors, emotional regulation, anxiety and avoidance, resilience skills, helping kids manage stress, parenting teens, parenting girls, adolescent stress, school anxiety, social anxiety in kids, fear of the future, mindfulness for kids, mental health parenting, emotional support, psychology of anxiety, family mental wellness Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What do we misunderstand about teen mothers? How does stigma contribute to the difficulties teen mothers face? This week we're talking to Susan Sutton about her nonprofit The Ember Project, which supports teen and early mothers through mentorship, financial literacy, education support, and small but powerful financial grants. Susan shares her own story of becoming a mother in 10th grade and how that experience shaped her mission to break cycles of generational poverty and teen pregnancy stigma. We discuss: The role of teen fathers and the importance of shared accountability Why $500 can be the difference between dropping out and graduating for a teen mom Mentorship as a bridge between survival mode and stability Here's where you can find Susan: www.theemberproject.org "The Ember Project Podcast" wherever you get your podcasts What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ What Fresh Hell podcast, mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, Susan Sutton interview, The Ember Project nonprofit, teen motherhood support, teen mom education barriers, generational poverty cycle, interrupted college education teen moms, childcare and teen mothers, rapid repeat pregnancy, duct tape budgeting meaning, financial literacy for young moms, mentoring teen mothers, small grants for single moms, stigma of teen pregnancy, breaking poverty cycles, support for early mothers, parenting podcast teen moms, nonprofit helping single mothers Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We talk a lot about how to manage kids when they are being impossible. But it's supposed to be the terrible twos, not the terrible forty-somethings. What do we do when we're the one in the family who's dysregulated? In this episode, we discuss: How to know if you're emotionally dysregulated Why parents (especially moms) are particularly vulnerable How dysregulation can show up both as anger and as shutdown The connection between rumination, shame, and reactivity How emotional dysregulation can become contagious in a household—and how calm can be contagious, too Practical ways to reset when you feel triggered Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Cleveland Clinic: Emotional Dysregulation Our Fresh Take with Erin Cox Elif B. Koş Yalvaç et. al for Journal of Affective Disorders: Emotional dysregulation in adults: The influence of rumination and negative secondary appraisals of emotion H.W. Koenigsberg for Journal of Personality Disorders: Affective instability: toward an integration of neuroscience and psychological perspectives Rachel Schepke for PsyPost: Young children are more irritable when their mother has emotion regulation difficulties Dominique Cave-Freeman, Vincent O. Mancini, et al for Journal of Personality and Individual Differences: Maternal Emotion Regulation and Early Childhood Irritability: The Role of Child Directed Emotion Regulation Strategies Couples Therapy, Inc: Navigating a Marriage with an Emotionally Dysregulated Spouse Rick Hanson et. al: Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/⁠ mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, self-help for moms, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, parental stress, kids stress, emotional dysregulation in parents, parenting under stress, overwhelmed mom, reactive parenting, mom anger, yelling at kids, parental burnout, depleted mother syndrome, parenting anxiety, co-regulation, emotional regulation skills, parenting triggers, rumination and resentment, family emotional climate, repairing after yelling, parenting stress management, mom mental health, default parent stress, generational patterns parenting, managing big emotions as a parent Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Based on a recent listener question about how to start to let go as our kids get older, this "Deep Dive" series highlights some of our past interview episodes on the topic. As moms, we're often given tons of societal pressure on how we have to give our kids all the right things—then told to "chill out" when it comes to the worrying part. ⁠Gabrielle Blair⁠, author of ⁠THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT⁠, is here to tell us that adulthood doesn't look like it used to, and that there are many paths to the success and happiness that all our kids deserve. Gabrielle Blair is the the founder of ⁠DesignMom.com⁠ and the author of the New York Times blockbuster bestseller Ejaculate Responsibly. Gabrielle, Amy, and Margaret discuss: How the idea of the "reliable path to success" is actually harmful for a lot of parents and kids Simple (and free/cheap) ways to use your home to create the family life you want Why Gabrielle disagrees with the "you only get 18 summers" rhetoric that permeates parenting circles Here's where you can find Gabrielle: ⁠designmom.com⁠ @designmom on IG #thekidsareallright #thekidsareallrightbook Buy THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT: ⁠https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781523526505⁠ We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/⁠ mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, parental stress, kids stress, Gabrielle Blair, The Kids Are All Right, DesignMom, modern parenting, parenting pressure, success myths, raising kids, redefining success, motherhood expectations, family culture, home life, parenting mindset, letting go of fear, alternative paths to adulthood, parenting teens, parenting young adults, emotional resilience, family connection, values-based parenting, creative home, simple living, conscious parenting, parent burnout, mental health for parents Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How do we get kids to *want* to put their phones down? This week we're talking to bestselling author Catherine Price about her latest book, The Amazing Generation: Your Guide to Fun and Freedom in a Screen-Filled World, co-written with social psychologist Jonathan Haidt. Instead of focusing on parental controls and screen-time battles, The Amazing Generation speaks directly to kids, inviting them to question the promises of Big Tech and reclaim real friendship, real freedom, and real fun. We discuss: Why empowering kids works better than scaring them How smartphones and social media shape adolescent brain development The growing youth rebellion against addictive tech How to shift from conflict to collaboration when it comes to screens Here's where you can find Catherine and her work: www.catherineprice.com https://catherineprice.substack.com @catherinepriceofficial on IG and LinkedIn www.amazinggeneration.com Buy THE AMAZING GENERATION: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9798217111916 What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ What Fresh Hell podcast, mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, The Amazing Generation book, Catherine Price interview, Jonathan Haidt Anxious Generation, screen time for kids, social media and teens, tech addiction in children, smartphone brain development, how to break up with your phone, defend mode discover mode, empowering kids about technology, youth rebellion against big tech, parenting in a digital world, AI and teenagers, family screen time solutions, helping kids quit social media, real life vs social media, attention economy and kids, middle school smartphone advice, raising kids without smartphones, tech literacy for families Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Do siblings really need to get along as children to have healthy relationships as adults? We challenge one of parenting’s most deeply held assumptions: that sibling closeness is the ultimate goal. We explain why sibling rivalry is developmentally normal and how fighting can actually be a sign of connection—not failure. Finally, we talk about what parents can influence—and what they can’t—when it comes to sibling bonds. If your worried because your kids currently fight nonstop—or currently barely speak—this episode will help you reframe what’s normal, what’s healthy, and what truly matters in the long run. Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Our Fresh Take with Susan Dominus, author of THE FAMILY DYNAMIC Our episode Sibling Rivalry Our Fresh Take with Dawn Huebner on Sibling Rivalry (And What Parents Usually Do Wrong) Kevin Henkes: JULIUS, THE BABY OF THE WORLD Stephen P. Bank and Michael D. Kahn: ⁠THE SIBLING BOND Rachel Nuwer for Scientific American: How Childhood Relationships Affect Your Adult Attachment Style, according to Large New Study Keely A. Dugan et. al for The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: A prospective longitudinal study of the associations between childhood and adolescent interpersonal experiences and adult attachment orientations Dr. Ammara Khalid for RIA Social Services: On Sibling Relationships: Attachment and Birth Order Leijten, P. et. al for Journal of Family Psychotherapy: Parenting programs to improve sibling interactions: a meta-analysis. Sign up for What Fresh Hell Plus on Supporting Cast to get all episodes ad-free, plus monthly bonus episodes. Supporting Cast works right where you already listen! Go to whatfreshhell.supportingcast.fm to subscribe in two taps for just $4.99 a month, or $39.99 a year.  What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/ What Fresh Hell podcast, mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, sibling relationships, sibling rivalry, do siblings need to get along, sibling conflict, parenting siblings, raising siblings, siblings fighting, sibling bond, how to handle sibling rivalry, is sibling fighting normal, why siblings fight, how to help siblings get along, parenting tips for sibling conflict, sibling dynamics psychology, sibling relationship in adulthood, how siblings shape identity, family conflict parenting, should siblings be close, is it bad if siblings don’t get along, how to stop sibling fighting, what is normal sibling rivalry, kids arguing all the time, brothers and sisters fighting, parenting guilt siblings Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices