516. Why We Check Out or Try to Control It All & How to Stop

So much of the self-help world teaches us that the solution to our problems is to become a better, more healed, more secure version of ourselves. In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Marisa G. Franco, author of Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, to challenge that idea and talk about why self-worth starts with acknowledging who you actually are, not trying to erase the parts of yourself you do not like.Dr. Franco and I talk about why insecurities are not proof that something is wrong with you, how striving to be “securely attached” can become another form of self-rejection, and why acknowledging your full internal experience is the first step toward change. Listen in to learn why healing is not about becoming someone else, but about creating a relationship with yourself where you can acknowledge the full truth of who you are and still know you are worthy.Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/524Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Learn more about Dr. Franco's books and work: https://drmarisagfranco.com/Mentioned in this episode:We're Hiring a Marketing ManagerGo to unfuckyourbrain.com/hiring to learn more.FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

What if you were one big ask away from the change you need? In one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ET Sign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

Do you have an inner monologue that is constantly keeping score, reminding you what you accomplished, and trying to prove that you’re doing enough? This week, I answer a Coaching Hotline question from a listener who has an inner monologue that tracks everything she accomplishes as a way to prove her worth. You’ll hear why trying to force your brain to be quiet usually backfires, and what to do instead when you catch yourself in these thought loops.Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotlineGet full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/523Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

What if you do know what you want, but you’ve just gotten really good at talking yourself out of it? In this Greatest Hits episode, I break down why so many women feel disconnected from their own desires and why “I don’t know what I want” is often not the truth. I explain how we learn to prioritize what we should want, what will make other people happy, and what feels safe over what we actually desire.You’ll learn why you don’t need a perfect reason or justification for wanting something, how to start listening to your own voice again, and why being honest about even small wants is the first step toward creating the life you actually want.Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/522Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:We're Hiring a Marketing ManagerGo to unfuckyourbrain.com/hiring to learn more.FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

Some endings are hard because the person is still alive, but the relationship you had with them is gone. This week, I answer a Coaching Hotline question from a listener who is grieving a friendship that has faded and struggling to find acceptance. I talk about why grief cannot be bypassed with the “right” thought and how allowing yourself to feel the loss is part of moving through it. You’ll hear why the goal is not to eliminate sadness or anger, but to stop fighting the emotions that are keeping you stuck.Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotlineGet full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/521Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

Have you ever been so angry that you wanted to say something immediately, but you also knew you were probably not in the clearest state of mind? In this episode, I walk you through a real moment from my own life where I was furious, activated, and very tempted to send an angry email. I show you how I coached myself through the emotion, got curious about the thoughts underneath it, and found a way to speak up without either exploding or shutting down. You'll learn how to separate what you can control from what you cannot when you are dealing with other people’s choices, and why speaking up for yourself does not require you to be perfectly calm, perfectly right, or perfectly regulated first. Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/520Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop hereWe're Hiring a Marketing ManagerGo to unfuckyourbrain.com/hiring to learn more.

How do you know if you are truly processing an emotion or just stuck thinking about it over and over? This week, I answer a Coaching Hotline question about the difference between allowing a negative emotion and getting caught in a cycle of recreating it. I explain why the question is not whether you are “indulging” an emotion, but whether you are allowing feelings to move through your body or continuing to fuel them with the same thoughts on repeat.Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotlineGet full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/519Follow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

What if the thing you’re calling “luck” is actually a combination of preparation, self-belief, and being willing to create your own opportunities?In this episode, I’m joined by Les Alfred, host of the podcast She’s So Lucky, to talk about the biggest lessons she’s learned from conversations with successful women. We discuss why women often wait for outside validation, how to stop treating every ask like you're begging, and why there is more than one path to creating the life and career you want.Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/518Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:We're Hiring a Marketing ManagerGo to unfuckyourbrain.com/hiring to learn more.FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

Do you ever get stuck in the cycle of losing your temper with your kids, then immediately judging yourself as a terrible parent? This week, I answer a Coaching Hotline question from a listener who is worried that yelling is damaging her children. You'll hear why shame makes it harder to change, how to separate a behavior from your identity, and why seeing this as a skills gap instead of a character flaw gives you the ability to actually grow.Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotlineGet full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/517Follow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop here

Do you tend to shut down and emotionally check out when things feel difficult? Or maybe you take over and try to control every outcome. In this episode, I explain why these two reactions are actually two sides of the same coin: attempts to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Your brain is trying to protect you, but these strategies can keep you from being honest, asking for what you want, and creating the relationships and life you actually want.This week, I walk you through how to recognize when you’re moving into control mode or checking out, get curious about the thoughts driving those reactions, and start separating the facts of a situation from the story your brain creates about it. The goal is not to judge yourself for these patterns, but to understand what problem your brain is trying to solve so you can choose a different response.Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/516Watch episodes over on YouTube: youtube.com/@karaloewentheilcoachingFollow along on Instagram: instagram.com/karaloewentheil/Mentioned in this episode:FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: The One Big AskIn one free hour, find the ask most worth making, assess exactly what’s blocking you, and learn what it takes to speak up anyway. September 9, 2026 · 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. ETSign up for The One Big Ask Workshop hereWe're Hiring a Marketing ManagerGo to unfuckyourbrain.com/hiring to learn more.