137: Identity formation - the main job of a teenager?

Send us a textSo many parents feel a deep loss when their teenager begins to separate from them; staying in their room and behaving as if the person they used to adore is the most embarassing thing they have ever witnessed. In today's episode I brought in Anita Cleare, author of How to Get Your Teenager Out of Their Bedroom, to discuss the challenges of parenting teenagers.In her book she covers the key things that drive adolescents to push against us:1.      Separation – from the family2.      Autonomy – taking control of their own lives and decisions.3.      Individuation – defining themselves and their unique identity.4.      Assimilation – learning to fit in as a member of their society. And the six common thinking traps parents fall into.Overgeneralising – we reach a negative conclusion based on just one incident.Catastrophic thinking – tends to involve worrying way into the future. Parents especially prone to this thinking trap when we identify additional factors which seem to add weight to our catastrophic thoughts.Should/Shouldn’t – usually happens when our expectations are not met. My teen should know better by now, they’re x years old, they should be able to remember simple instructions.Mind reading – we assume we know what’s going on in our teen’s mind without asking them. Comparisonitis – If your teen is truly struggling with their self-esteem or mental health, even simple everday event like turning up to watch a sports match knowing that theyour tene is at home because they can’t face it can set off heart-breaking comparisons. It’s all about me! – we want our efforts to be recognised and appreciated, which when it comes to teens, is a bit of a problem. Teens are deeply self-absorbed and trying to separate from you to become independent. We explored how we parents can better manage ourselves - and our own expectations - so that we can build emotionally supportive connections with our teens which will encourage them to come out of their room.  Anita highlights the significance of phones and gaming in teenagers' lives, suggesting strategies to manage screen time and maintain positive relationships. We also addressed the importance of recognizing that bad behaviour can be hiding low moods. What to look for and how to provide a supportive environment.ANITA CLEARE:https://anitacleare.co.uk/BOOK:How to Get Your Teenager Out of Their Bedroom by Anita CleareSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textIn psychology, the term "identity" is most commonly used to describe the distinctive qualities or traits that make an individual unique. Identities are strongly associated with self-esteem, and individuality and - for a teenager - forming their identity is a crucial job. It's been over two years since I created the first episode looking at the topic of identity formation. In this episode I have pulled material from the orginal discussion, and brought in Susie to revisit the topic so we can discuss what we have learned during our parenting journeys.One of the key issues we discuss is the importance of being flexible and not fixing a child's identity, so they have room to develop and grow. We can help this by supporting their teens' self-worth and personal growth; having open discussions about perceptions and roles. BOOKS:Inventing Ourselves; The Secret Life of the Teenage Brain by Sarah Jayne BlakemoreHis Dark Materials - Phillip PullmanHow to Raise a Healthy Gamer - Dr Alok KanojiaRESOURCES:Identityhttps://www.choosingtherapy.com/identity-crisis/https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htmhttps://aspiroadventure.com/blog/why-is-teen-identity-development-important/#:~:text=Identity%20formation%20in%20teens%20is,most%20of%20their%20adult%20life.The 8 stages of development Eric Ericson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYCBdZLCDBQ&t=28sSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textI grew up believing in a meritocracy; with hard work - and government funding of my university education - I eventually escaped a difficult home and poor schooling to succeed in journalism.  But times have moved on, and the reality now is that getting a university education is no longer the gateway it used to be. In fact, according to generational expert and historian, Dr Eliza Filby, our life chances and opportunities are no longer shaped by what we learn or earn but by whether we have access to the Bank of Mum and Dad. She says, we’re living in an Inheritocracy, where parental support is what matters most, and Western society is beginning to shift more towards an Asian model of family reciprocity. This is definitely what I found when I researched my episode on whether teens should pay rent. There's been a quiet revolution of multiple generations now living under one roof because it makes more sense than casting our young into a world in which things have changed so dramatically.RELEVANT EPISODE:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-styles-that-enable-teens-to-grow-into-capable-adults-1/DR ELIZA FILBY:https://www.elizafilby.com/https://www.instagram.com/dr_eliza_filby/https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS82Ka2wcPerdEGx6Z1d1eAhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Inheritocracy-Should-Talk-about-Bank/dp/1785908588/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.aFtkjtdKIWYZQUwxEK8p5vmrfiov9IVFwcGxhrbE3bA.EY2LeRMRlEqIxdqf1NZed1ZZIgBSqtu8XNlMv5uGPhQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=inheritocracy&qid=1715590848&sr=8-1Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textThe mini-series, Adolescence, is a global hit, topping Netflix charts in 71 countries and amassing 24.3 million views in its first four days. It's sparked a global conversation about parenting, masculinity, and the impact of social media on young people. It's brilliance rests on holding up a mirror to everyone in society, showing us the complex factors that cause toxic ideas to take root.  When I started this podcast I set out to create somewhere that is a safe space for us parents to explore the challenges we face, judgement free. The links below are all referenced in the episode offering tools to think about, and unpack, our own parenting and how best to connect with and support our own kids.BLOG: What to think about before handing your child a phone: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/mobile-phones-social-media-and-online-access-what-i-would-do-if-i-had-my-teens-or-tweens-again/BOOK: When you lose it by Roxy and Gaye LongworthEPISODES:Screen time: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/screen-time-for-tweens-and-teens-the-latest-on-what-works-and-what-doesnt/Andrew Tate and the manosphere:  https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/role-models-andrew-tate-misogyny-red-pills-and-the-manosphere/Sexting and nudes: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-4-protecting-your-tweenteen-from-doing-something-illegal-with-their-phone-camera-aka-sexting-also-how-and-why-you-might-give-your-teen-an-allowance/Porn culture: episode https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/Andrew Hampton interview: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/Masculinity vaccinations: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/98-boys-emotions-masculinity-vaccinations-and-online-influencers/Talking with boys: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/masculinity-and-positive-ways-of-supporting-our-teenage-boys-an-interview-with-mike-nicholson-from/Bigorexia and bodybuilding: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/feeding-your-teen-control-issues-and-bigorexia/Looksmaxxing: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/112-boys-looks-and-masculinity-on-social-media-the-hard-and-soft-of-looksmaxxing/Staying connected: (second part of this episode) https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/2-alcohol-how-to-discuss-it-and-staying-connected-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-and-w/Male friendships and the masculine mask:  https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/For a tSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textTwenty years ago The Times asked young people in Britain a series of questions. The new Millenials gave answers which showed that the majority thought the UK was forward-looking and tolerant; they were proud to be British.This year that same survey - this time asking Gen Z - has brought in radically different results.48 per cent thought that Britain is a racist country, compared with 36 per cent who did not, and only 11 per cent said they would fight for Britain. In fact, 41 per cent said there were no circumstances in which they would take up arms for their countryThis caught my eye, because I've been reading about the sharp rise in cynicism across many societies. What's particularly fascinating is that the opinions of people, when asked in research aimed at trying to understand cynicism, seem to be far less extreme and more peaceful, than we generally believe them to be.So the question is, are we too cynical, and what can we parents do to help our kids feel more hope about the intentions of others and the world in general?It's a very tricky subject, with lots of opportunities to offend, so do try to listen to the episode with the spirit in which it is intended. The Times poll: https://www.thetimes.com/uk/society/article/generation-z-survey-young-people-britain-ld076s8qrBooks referenced:Hope for Cynics by Dr Jamil ZakiCynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity--And Why This Harms Everybody by Helen Pluckrose and James LindsayUseful episodes for blended families with a newborn:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/1-your-parenting-toolbox-and-tidy-teen-rooms-rummaging-in-your-toolbox-and-how-you-get-your-teena/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/differing-parenting-styles-and-future-careers-parenting-together-when-you-cant-agree-on-a-parenti/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/manners-parenting-to-help-teens-succeed-in-life-by-teaching-the-importance-of-good-manners/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/29-step-children-coping-and-thriving-with-a-blended-family/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/123-avoid-parenting-burnout-and-troublesome-chore-charts-with-this-simple-method-an-interview-with/Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textEmpty nest syndrome is real, and can be very painful to navigate. I've already discussed it with Susie, including ideas for how we can manage our feelings in a positive way to help us move on. https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/empty-nest-how-to-cope-when-your-teen-moves-out-also-manners-what-are-they-and-what-should-we-te/But are we looking at it in the wrong way? Change management specialist, Hanna Bankier, hates the term empty nest because it has such negative connotations. 'How can the nest be empty if I'm still in it?'She encourages us mothers to take a pro-active approach to that next stage of life by planning ahead from as early as when our kids turn tween and teen. In this discussion, Hanna helps us think differently about this life stage, explains the key mistakes we make and which areas need focus, and how to plan for the nest stage of our life in a really positive, life-affirming way.Hanna's top five tips:Start early: Begin preparing for this transition during your child's teenage years by gradually shifting your parenting style from hands-on to mentorship.Create a personal plan: Map out your own identity and interests beyond motherhood. Use Hannah's exercise of drawing a circle with your name in the center and identifying activities that energize you.Build a supportive community: Cultivate female friendships and join groups or activities that interest you. These connections are crucial for emotional support and personal growth.Communicate openly with your child: Have honest conversations about how your relationship will evolve, setting expectations and creating a new dynamic as they become independent adults.Embrace the joy of this new chapter: Recognize that this is not an ending, but a new beginning. Celebrate your success in raising an independent child and look forward to the opportunities ahead for both of you.The key is to view this transition as a positive opportunity for personal growth and rediscovery, rather than a loss.Free tool:https://www.birdylauncher.com/freeofferHanna Bankier:https://www.birdylauncher.com/ Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textAnother day another newspaper headline that says young people aren't working.According to the Financial Times newspaper, 13.4 per cent of people in the United Kingdon in the 16 to 24 age group were not in employment education or training - “NEET” - at the end of last year.The ONS figures showed a higher rate of young men outside work or training, with 14.4 per cent of 16- to 24-year-olds classed as NEET compared with 12.3 per cent of young women. and mental health issues seem to be a rising factor. This podcast is all about helping parents see a way through the maze of problems, rather than dwelling in it, so in this episode I decided to put the figures in context and look at what we parents can do to ensure our kids a way to play a meaningful role in society.PWC Report:https://www.pwc.co.uk/economic-services/assets/youth-employment-index-2024.pdfThe World Economic Forum - Future of Jobs Report 2025What employers consider to be core skills for the workforce:1: Analytical thinking2: Resilience, flexibility and agility3: Leadership and social influence4: Creative thinking5: Motivation and self-awareness6: Technological literacy7: Empathy8: Active listening Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textParenting is a hard enough, but doing it in a culture that is different from the one we grew up in creates an extra layer of challenges to navigate. When it's our kids who have the greatest connection to that new culture it can be their demands that make us grow the most in our role.It might seem strange, because I'm a white woman who always spoke English and had English parents, but arriving in the UK from the African continent aged 10 was a total shock to my system. There were very specific cultural cues that I had to deliberately learn, but obviously the differences were eased by the fact that my parents came from this culture. So when I met the podcaster, Amma, I was fascinated by how she and her family have had to navigate living in a country where the language and societal beliefs are so different both inside and outside the family unit, and how Amma was the person who ended up having to coax and cajole her parents to grow into their adopted country.  We parents can learn so much from her story about what is at the heart of good parenting, and having a relationship that will last into adulthood.AMMA BROWN GIRL:https://shows.acast.com/amma-brown-girl-1https://www.instagram.com/ammabrowngirl/ Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textMost teens go through a phase of being hyper-focused on looking good; whether it's clothes, bodybuilding, skin-care or makeup. What can seem like an obsession could be a normal part of the process, so when should we start to worry and how should we step up? When Clare wrote in worried about her daughter's skin-care regime she was hoping to get a teen perspective. Here's what she said.I would like you to advise on though and maybe your daughters can help?  My 13 year old has been heavily influenced in the last year or two by social media posts on skin care. She has now changed from being content with a simple cleanse and moisturise before bed to having a morning and evening skincare ritual lasting more than an hour.  She is getting up at 5.30 every morning to start the ritual!  The most concerning thing is the use of products and preparations that I would normally associate with more mature ladies ( things I would use!) and these often include hyaluronic acid,  retinol, collagen etc.  she spends all her pocket money, birthday and Xmas money on these products and is constantly asking for extra jobs to earn more money to support to this expensive obsession. I am hoping it’s just a short lived phase and thinking that I should treat it a bit like ‘bad fashion’ and keep cool and non judgemental about it, rather than expressing my concerns, which would probably make things worse!  Do you have any advice? In this episode I talk at length with my girls about the trend, how her daughter might be feeling, and what Clare can do to support her without shutting down communication and connection. PRODUCT MENTIONED (NO AFFILIATE OR SPONSORSHIP INVOLVED) Garnier Vitamin C Daily UV Brightening Fluid Sheer Glow, SPF50+,  For all skin types, Cruelty-Free, Vegan, 50ml Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

Send us a textBefore I had kids I literally had no real idea of what I should expect. I think that's partly why I have spent the years as a mother panicking and reading everything; having learnt that I was wrong about how complicated the job is. Susie and I are in a similar stage with our kids but feel differently about it, so I thought it would be lovely to bring her in to have an open, honest conversation about how the stages unfold and what it really feels like for us. What do you think? Send me a message on [email protected] Galinsky's six stages of parenting:Nurturer - Birth to one yearYour baby learns that they are safe and the more they find their needs met the more confident they'll become as a youth. Boundaries - Ages one to fiveChildren start to test boundaries. They need to be clear and consistent. When you set a boundary it needs to be the same every time, and the consequences need to be applied consistently. Training the Heart -Ages six to twelveYou begin answering questions about boundaries and consequences, and putting them in context with the way society works. It's important to listen to your child, and respect their opinions.Coaching - Ages thirteen to eighteenGive advice but allow the child to make the ultimate decision. We also have to allow our children to suffer the consequences of bad decisions. Nagging, or constant correction, will just cause our kids to tune our voice out. Mentoring - Ages eighteen to job or marriageRefrain from telling them what they should do and from judging the decisions they make. Understand - and treat them - as if that they are capable of solving their own problems. Our job is to offer advice when asked and not to judge. Be curious. Friendship - Job or marriage and beyondNow our kids are established as adults it's time to tone down the parenting and allow them to be our equal. The one key thing to remember is that they will always  crave our unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of how old they become.  Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk