Setting goals without shaming yourself this New Year

I'm recording this while driving to work—multitasking at its finest! I want to talk about my online course O Baby WTF because I created it to bridge a gap I felt when I became a parent. We get lots of information about birth and infant care when we're pregnant, but almost nothing about preparing for the experience of becoming a new parent. Since Lucy Jones wrote Matrescence and the term is finally getting recognition, it's more important than ever to prepare for this transformation. O Baby WTF helps you prepare yourself—your own story, background, thoughts, feelings, dreams, and expectations. It gives you a sense of what the experience might be like and how it might differ from what you're anticipating. The course centers on matrescence, the process of becoming a mother that impacts all areas of your life. I thought it would be me plus baby, a simple equation. But it's not. When you become a mother, you become a whole new version of yourself. Lucy Jones describes matrescence as a metamorphosis. When a caterpillar goes into a cocoon, there's a process of annihilation. If you dissected the cocoon midway, you'd find neither caterpillar nor butterfly—just a goo-like structure. During matrescence, there's a time of not being something solid, of being between forms. The version of yourself you've been all your life is no longer, but you're also not yet fully into this new mother version. You won't automatically feel solid in that role. That's completely normal. Matrescence has the same suffix as adolescence because it's marked by similar conditions—extreme hormonal fluctuations, body changes, internal and external shifts. Your brain chemistry adapts, hormonal levels fluctuate hugely. If you think back to adolescence and how awkward and conspicuous you felt, that's what matrescence can feel like too. Partners need to understand this. If your partner is currently a goo-like structure, your role is to be the cocoon—the strong, solid, protective layer that keeps her safe. The course covers four spheres affected by having a baby: you and your identity, you and your partner (when two becomes three), you and your community (friends and family), and you and work. For couples, I talk about dads spending as much time "on the pitch" as possible. Because mom breastfeeds, she ends up doing 90% of the effort and learns faster. There's no maternal instinct—just a steep learning curve. Anyone on duty more will be better at the tasks. We want dads involved from the start so they feel equipped and competent. The course also includes a five-part mental health toolkit—psychological tools you can use at any moment for those WTF moments. It's set up like a workshop where you take breaks, talk with your partner, answer questions, and reflect according to your own life. Once you have access on my website, you have it for life. Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Suna Hall is an ADHD and neurodiversity coach who works with neurodivergent teens, adults, and parents. Today she's breaking down what neurodivergence actually means—ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and more—and how coaching differs from therapy. Coaching is future-focused and finite: where you are now, where you want to be, what's getting in the way, and building skills to close that gap. Executive function is the logistics part of your brain—task initiation, completion, planning, working memory. For neurodivergent people, these struggles aren't just annoying, they're exhausting. You're expending huge energy to hold information that neurotypical brains process easily. To meet diagnostic criteria, you're struggling to the point where life becomes extremely hard, not just inconvenient. Kids notice they're different from peers. Late-diagnosed adults always knew something was off but didn't know what. The late-diagnosed women demographic is massive right now. Girls were missed because boys manifested ADHD physically while girls internalized it. Hormonal shifts—motherhood especially—ramp up symptoms. New mothers are getting diagnosed because their sensory world shifts, the mental load explodes, and they can't white-knuckle it anymore. They've been told they're dramatic their whole lives, but actually they were coping until they weren't. One mom screams into the freezer during hot flashes. Another realizes heat is her sensory breaking point. The advice: track when explosions happen, take yourself away before it escalates, shore up your capacity, and talk to your peers. Say "I wanted to throttle my child today" and hear "me too." Connect with Suna Hall: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nd.coach.suna/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/suna.hall/ Linkedin: https://za.linkedin.com/in/neurodiversity-coach-suna Coaching circles starting 2026 Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Dillion Phiri is a Zimbabwean-Malawian father, entrepreneur, filmmaker, and social sculptor based in Johannesburg. As founder of Creative Nestlings, he's built a Pan-African network of 100,000+ creatives. But today we're talking about how fatherhood is the foundation of everything he does. He has five kids—two biological, three inherited through his blended family—and he centers every decision around being a good parent, friend, and example to them. Dillion became a father at 22 and it changed everything. He quit his first good job because he realized if he stayed, he wouldn't be living his dreams and therefore wouldn't be a good example for his son. He didn't have a present father growing up, so he made a promise to himself to always be a good dad. What surprised him most was how his kids taught him not to take things for granted—time, joy, simple experiences. They make all five kids draw every day as a discipline practice, even though he can't draw himself. They run for 30 minutes daily, watch basketball highlights together, and learn Japanese. It's about pattern-making, doing hard things, building skills. The tension between creativity for joy versus creativity for money is real. He shows his kids the invoice from an illustrator who made a billboard so they understand the monetary value of creative work. His partner is a painter, so they see her process too—the struggle to sell, to let go, to make a living from art. He's teaching them that creativity is work like any other, but it can be sustainable and joyful. As a provider, he wishes he could be a house dad making films at home, but he's privileged that his career allows him to be present while working. He's been away for three weeks, and the kids are fine, which is both reassuring and humbling. What stands out most is how Dillion talks about emotional regulation, accountability, and vulnerability. He went to therapy and works with life coaches because he realized triggers don't have to mean reactions—you just find ways through them. He apologizes to his kids when he's wrong. He makes them call him four times a day, not because they need it, but because time is finite and he wants them to remember he was the annoying dad who was always there. He's teaching them that just because you're angry doesn't mean the world is ending. Just because you didn't get what you wanted doesn't mean you're poor. It's all about regulation and dealing with things as they come. This generation of fathers is earning respect by being genuine, authentic, and admitting mistakes. It's revolutionary compared to the authority figures who demanded respect without question. Connect with Dillion: Creative Nestlings Website: https://www.creativenestlings.com/ Facebook: https://facebook.com/creativenestlings Instagram: https://instagram.com/creativenestlings X.com: https://twitter.com/creativenestlin Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/creativenestlings Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

I'm recording this while driving to work because I'm a busy mom. Today I want to talk about diagnosis—what it means, why we do it, and what my particular take on it is. As a clinical psychologist, I was trained in the medical model alongside psychiatrists. We learned the DSM, the diagnostic manual that classifies psychiatric conditions into discrete categories like depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar. It's useful because it creates a common language for clinicians and allows us to study treatments and measure whether symptoms are reducing. But the DSM has pitfalls. It's inherently biased—mostly based on Western, predominantly American research and samples. In South Africa, for example, hearing voices might indicate psychosis according to the DSM, but for some cultural groups it's a sign someone is a sangoma, a traditional healer. We have to use the framework for what's useful and leave the rest. So why diagnose at all? For many people, especially women who've been told they're too sensitive or too emotional their whole lives, hearing "you're depressed" or "you have anxiety" is deeply validating. It's not you being difficult—it's a real condition that deserves treatment. I stay away from binaries like "is this real depression or just normal life stress?" If someone is struggling and their quality of life is reduced, they deserve help whether it's a temporary hormonal thing, lack of support, or a diagnosable disorder. The question is: does the diagnosis resonate with someone's lived experience? Adult ADHD diagnosis in women is a perfect example. Women weren't diagnosed as kids because they internalized symptoms, while boys bounced off walls physically. Now women are getting diagnosed in their 30s and 40s and feeling massive relief—finally someone understands what's happening inside their minds. That's when diagnosis is most useful: when it leads to self-compassion, not pathologizing, when it helps us scaffold support systems and treatment plans, not just slap on a label. Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Julie Robinson is an organizational psychologist who founded InVenture after her own healing journey from chronic illness. InVenture offers immersive wilderness experiences in the Karoo that support reflection and growth through embodiment, breathwork, creativity, and time in nature. What started as her personal "inner adventure" has become work that helps leaders, people in transition, and anyone stuck in hypervigilance find space to actually feel. Julie describes the experiences as sensory expeditions. Participants go completely offline for four nights and five days—phones, watches, and monitoring devices go into a box. No concept of time, no notifications, no responsibilities. Just presence in a harsh, beautiful landscape that requires deep attention. She's noticed something fascinating: women say yes to these experiences more easily, but men keep coming back year after year. The formula is simple—it works, so they repeat it. Men are late adopters of mental health processes, but once they experience something that helps them connect with themselves and other men in a space held by a woman, they return. The biggest pattern Julie sees is profound disconnection. From ourselves, our partners, our work. We've created elaborate systems of distraction to stay protected and perpetuate our isolation. People ask her constantly: how do I make friends as an adult? The loneliness is pervasive, and when men's loneliness goes unaddressed, it becomes dangerous—manifesting as control, power, violence. Men don't have mentors anymore, don't have spaces to be held and nurtured. Julie's work creates that space, where lying on a hot rock or tasting coffee mindfully or breathing in the natural world brings people back to what makes us human. Connect with Julie Robinson: Website: https://theinventure.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theinventure/ Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

I'm recording this on the way to my first antenatal class of 2026. I'm all for New Year's resolutions, but here's what I care about more: the quality of your relationship with yourself while working towards your goals. We set these black and white objectives without thinking about the cost. Are we already judging the old version of ourselves? Setting ourselves up for shame? I think about it like driving a kid to their first day of grade one. You wouldn't tell them kindergarten was useless. But that's how we talk to ourselves with resolutions. The road to goals isn't linear. If we've decided the old version is bad, we create constant opportunities to shame ourselves. Find phrases that feel like a supportive parent rooting for you, making it clear you don't have to prove anything to be loved. You're already worthy right now. Follow Carly on: Oh Baby, WTF - https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/product/oh-baby-wtf/ Ready, Steady, Baby - https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/product/ready-steady-baby/ Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Dr. Tarryn Kawalsky came on to talk about something I've been thinking about constantly since becoming a mother: the massive gap between what women experience in their bodies and what the medical system actually addresses. She's a GP, co-founder of The Ovarian Club podcast, and she spent her community service year in obstetrics and gynecology at a top South African hospital where she witnessed firsthand how women get dismissed. The statistics are wild. Women weren't required to be included in clinical trials until 1990. One in ten women has endometriosis, but doctors aren't taught to ask about painful periods during routine visits. Tarryn talks about patients coming in with completely unrelated complaints, and when she asks basic questions about their menstrual cycle or perimenopause symptoms, suddenly there's this whole other picture. Women reporting crippling pain every month but thinking it's normal. Women put on antidepressants in their forties without anyone checking if it might be perimenopause first. Hormone replacement therapy that could prevent bone density loss and cardiovascular problems isn't even available in the public sector. What landed for me is how Tarryn had to actively unlearn her male-centric medical training. She's teaching herself to treat symptoms even when biomarkers look "normal," to believe women when they say something's wrong, to actually listen instead of just checking boxes. We talked about postpartum care being basically nonexistent after six weeks, about how chewable Viagra exists while ovarian cancer gets a fraction of the research funding, about the difference between doctors who listen and doctors who don't. Her message to women: know your symptoms, don't let yourself be gaslit, seek second opinions. Your body is yours and you know it better than anyone else. Connect with Tarryn: The Ovarian Club - https://linktr.ee/theovarianclub Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/theovarianclub/ Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Terrance Mentor is a South African content creator, writer, and speaker known online as AfroDaddy. He uses humor and authenticity to share his experiences as a father, advocating for positive masculinity, diversity, and mental health awareness. He's been doing this work for 10 years, and he believes that if you want to advance motherhood, look at the fathers. When fathers are emotionally and physically present, the biggest winners are the fathers themselves, but the second biggest winners are the mothers. We talk about how our generation is the first to attempt egalitarian parenting, and we're doing it clumsily while the world falls apart around us. Just one generation ago, fathers weren't even expected to be in the delivery room. Terrance explains that fatherhood needs to start before you have a child by examining how you were fathered, and then gatekeepers like hospital staff, schools, and family members need policies that always include fathers. But most importantly, fathers need to talk about their experiences. It took Terrance five years of doing AfroDaddy before a dad told him he felt less alone and more empowered. The first active fathers group he joined was literally last week. What's missing from the conversation is the why of fatherhood. Not the practical how-to stuff, but why any man would want to do this. Terrance describes coming home to an 18-month-old running into his arms shouting "dadda" as the best thing he'll ever experience. Your relationship with your child is the only relationship you get to define completely. But fatherhood is fragile, like an embryo. One criticism can make a dad step back entirely. We discuss maternal gatekeeping, the "same team" mantra he uses with his wife, and why society needs to celebrate dads stepping up without adding more labor to moms' lists. The goal is simple: make dads flex their fatherhood loudly and proudly. Connect with Terrance: Website: www.afrodaddyonline.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/afrodaddyct/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AfroDaddyCT/ Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Catriona Boffard is a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and sexuality researcher who hosts the podcast Asking for a Friend. She's completing her doctorate in psychotherapy and works with people facing challenges in their sexual experiences, particularly women dealing with sexual pain. I reached out to her because sexuality is such an important part of being alive, and as a therapist, I see it as a significant aspect of someone's life force. It tells us so much about who we are and what we desire. Catriona explains that sexual health is just another pillar of our wellbeing, yet it's often excluded from healthcare conversations. Clinicians don't feel comfortable talking about sex because of their own shame, so clients don't think they can bring it up. She works with people experiencing difficulties like vaginismus and anorgasmia, and the number one intervention is giving people permission. Permission to not want something, permission to want something, permission to realize there's nothing wrong with them. The factors contributing to sexual difficulties are multifactorial: strict religious or cultural messages, trauma, negative sexual experiences, relationship dynamics, parenting stress, medications, neurodiversity, and education. South Africa has a risk and safety-focused sex education curriculum rather than pleasure and consent-focused, which leaves huge gaps. We talk about how sex is the most vulnerable space we can step into with another person. Good sex isn't about how many orgasms you have or how often you do it. Research on magnificent sex shows people talk about being present, transcendence, and expert communication. Catriona introduces the four C's of sex: connection, creativity, curiosity, and compassion. We discuss how porn is acting, how Gen Z has more terms and fluidity but still struggles with shame, and how heterosexual women find sex far more satisfying in midlife when they stop caring what their bodies look like. The cultural and social scripts we inherit get in the way of our bodies' natural wisdom about pleasure and connection. Follow Catriona on: Website: https://catrionaboffard.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catrionaboffard/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexologywithcatriona/?hl=en Podcast : https://catrionaboffard.com/490-2/ Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

I want to talk about play and why adults need it in their lives. During COVID lockdown, I had this insight that part of our cultural depression wasn't just fear or worry, it was that we weren't enjoying ourselves enough. Since becoming a parent, I've experienced a huge sense of loss for opportunities to play, and I think many of us feel this way as adults. I have a challenge for you. Think back through your entire life and remember what you did for play. Construction and Lego, imaginative role play, physical games, sports, social activities, dancing, reading, hiking, music. Not everything works for everyone, but what are your things? What gets your heart racing and connects you to your wants and desires? Spend time fantasizing about what you miss most, then figure out what aspects you can still fit into your daily routine, weekly schedule, or monthly calendar. If you're a parent thinking you have no time, I understand completely. It's not all or nothing. We owe it to our children and ourselves to carve out space for play, to access those parts of ourselves that aren't responsible or in service of others' needs. You come back better, stronger, more fulfilled, and able to give more to the people in your life. As a parent, it's actually our responsibility to offer this to ourselves. Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw