Episode 359 - Why “Do You Love Me” Is the Wrong Question

Sex in marriage can sometimes feel imbalanced—one person initiates while the other holds the power to say yes or no, or one partner’s needs take priority over the other’s. But what if there was a way to create a deeper, more fulfilling connection? In this episode, we explore the concept of mutuality in marriage, a powerful approach where both partners’ needs, desires, and well-being are valued equally. Drawing from Dr. David Schnarch’s insights, we’ll break down what it truly means to love well in a sexual relationship—not out of obligation or self-sacrifice, but through a balanced, collaborative connection. So, what does mutuality look like in the bedroom? And how can couples cultivate more of it? Tune in to find out.

We often think of sexual energy as just desire, attraction, or physical connection—but what if it’s so much more? What if this energy could fuel your creativity, ambition, personal growth, and even spiritual transformation? In this episode, we’re diving into sexual transmutation—the practice of channeling your sexual energy into other areas of your life. Whether you want to boost your creative projects, elevate your confidence, or find deeper purpose, harnessing this powerful force could be the key. Tune in to explore how to shift your mindset around sexual energy and use it to transform every aspect of your life!

I often hear from my clients the phrase, “If only…” If only my spouse would want more sex, then I could stop feeling so frustrated. If only my spouse would stop pressuring me for sex, then I could feel more comfortable with it. If only… Have you ever thought about how things would change “if only”? If you have, I bet that you have tried to change your spouse. You’ve bought them books, and sent them podcasts, and they have dug in their heels and stayed exactly the same. Why? Because no one wants to be controlled. That’s why we’re talking about changing your sexual locus of control in this episode. This is where real change happens. Want to see what you can do? Listen in.

We’ve all said it at one time or another - “Do you love me?” While it seems like an innocent question, what I’ve found from working with countless couples is that this “innocent” question often leads down a path of blame, frustration, and unmet expectations. To put it simply, it’s a trap. It keeps us focused on the wrong things. So, what do we do about it? That’s what we’re going to talk about in this episode. It’s full of usable suggestions to ask the right questions and focus on the right things.

Have you ever wondered if men experience the same pressures to be 'good' that women do? Last week, we uncovered the hidden struggles of Good Girl Syndrome—but what about the other side of the coin? Today, we're diving into Good Boy Syndrome—a silent battle many men face, shaping how they see themselves, their relationships, and their sexuality. If you've ever felt the weight of perfectionism, the sting of shame, or the fear of being truly vulnerable—this episode is for you. We're breaking down what Good Boy Syndrome really is, how it takes root, and most importantly, how to break free from it. Trust me, you won’t want to miss this conversation.

What is Good Girl Syndrome? Let me answer like this - have you ever found yourself hesitating to explore your desires? Have you ever felt guilty when expressing your needs in the bedroom? Do you believe that ‘good girls’ don’t act certain ways? Do you feel like your worth is tied to your being modest, virtuous, or pleasing to others? That’s what we’re going to talk about in today’s episode - what Good Girl Syndrome is, where it comes from, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to overcome it. Let’s dive in.

Have you ever thought about what drives your sexual desire? One key factor is the freedom we feel in our lives. Freedom plays a vital role in fostering vibrant sexuality and intimacy, and without it, we may experience disconnection, frustration, or stagnation. In this episode, we’ll explore the powerful link between freedom and sex, why it’s so crucial, and how you can create more freedom in both your personal life and sexual relationships.

A few weeks ago, we talked about prolonged arousal and I touched on sexual shame in men. I promised then that I’d do an entire episode about it because it isn’t talked about much and needs to be talked about more. This is that episode. Sexual shame is one of the most powerful emotions we can experience, and when it’s tied to something as personal and intimate as sexuality, the impact can be profound. In this episode, we’re going to delve into this much needed topic and talk about what it is, how it manifests differently from women, the factors that contribute to it, and the steps men can take to heal. By talking about sexual shame in men, I hope to bring more light to it so those who are suffering can finally start to heal!

Valentine’s Day is coming up! Does that thought fill you with excitement or dread? Often when we think about Valentine’s Day, we dream up this scene straight from the movies and we are often disappointed by what actually happens. So this year, maybe we can prepare ourselves for Valentine’s Day. I don’t mean grand gestures or perfect plans, but shifting our attention to preparing ourselves - mind, body, and heart - for love and connection. Let’s talk about how to do just that. Whether your relationship is thriving, struggling, or somewhere in between, this episode is for you!

When we think about unconditional love, it always sounds romantic and exciting, right? We’ve all seen the romcoms where they have the kind of love that never falters, regardless of what happens. It’s the idea that someone is loved completely, no matter their choices, behaviors, or circumstances. But in marriage, the idea of unconditional love should be more nuanced. It may seem wonderful on the big screen, but in reality, unconditional love in marriage is a partnership between two adults with needs, boundaries, and expectations. It isn’t about tolerating harmful behavior or being a doormat. It’s about striving to accept your partner as they are, flaws and all, while also keeping a hold of your sense of self and safety. In this episode, we’re going to talk about what unconditional love should look like in marriage and how to achieve it.