Episode 4: Freedom Form

Helena knows she doesn’t want kids. She’s sure of it. Almost. It was a constant topic of conversation with her friend Sigrid in her 20s. Sigrid would try to convince her, but having children was not what she wanted for her life. Then one day in Paris, she meets David.

Helena does not want kids. Her husband does. For years they’ve battled it out. Then, while he is on his way back from a surfing trip, she finds out she’s pregnant. What will she tell him? What should she do? She calls her dear friend Joshua for help: he’s wise, he’s a parent, he knows her well. But she doesn’t have a lot of time. Her husband will be home in an hour.

After her abortion, Helena’s marriage is at a tipping point. David still wants kids, and she wants her tubes tied. In a moment of despair, a conversation with Ama the poet shifts Helena's understanding of what a good life can look like. Maybe she can center her pleasure?

With her sterilization scheduled, Helena sits down with her new lover to explain her decision. But the conversation leads in an unexpected direction. More confused than ever, she reaches out to Alejandra, a woman who underwent the same procedure and doesn’t regret her decision—it confirmed her true identity. Helena is not so sure. The clock is ticking. What is she scared of?

Just like her grandmother, her great-grandmother, and her aunt, Helena gets depressed. She sits down with her mother Annika, to really talk about it. “It was as if your skin no longer fit,” her mother says. Together they unearth the painful moments that have shaped their relationship. After years of struggling with her mental health, Helena is left wondering what to do with the time she has left?

Since she can’t decide if she should get sterilized or not, Helena asks a stranger. A guy named Sam who doesn’t have any stake in her life. Sam regretted having his kid. He didn’t realize at the time what he was getting into, what he would be giving up. But he understood the moment his son was born. So when Helena asks, “Should I have a kid or no?” Sam is ready for it, “I thought you'd never ask."

Four of Helena’s friends are pregnant. They’re spending more time with other mothers and mothers-to-be. Will there still be room for her? And while her friends experience the biggest transformation, Helena clings to her routines. Why can’t she be more spontaneous—like her sister! Her sister once got on a boat to the North Pole with six strangers to see vegetarian orcas. It did not go well. But it taught her the biggest truth on planet earth. Can Helena learn it too?

When Helena was still married to David, she lived through something she doesn’t often revisit—it was too big, too scary. But now she’s ready to talk about it with two friends who were there: Chris and Bernadette. They are a generation older and do not have children. Together, they finally answer the question. What does purpose look like without kids?

Avery Trufelman interviews Helena de Groot about the making of Creation Myth, and how it transformed some of the most important relationships in her life. Including special guests!Want to stay in touch? Follow Helena on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/helenavelikaja/

Introducing the new season of Personally, called Creation Myth. Helena does not want to have kids. Kid, child, baby - not for her. She’s just not parent material. So why is she obsessed with parenthood? Why does she ask her friends who are parents for every detail? She’s in her forties now. The door is almost closed. And suddenly, she wonders. Does she want a kid?