EP 243: Cool, Calculated- But Still in Protection Mode

Sometimes our kids look completely calm- even smug — while doing something that definitely isn’t a behavior of connection.But…they’re not melting down. They’re not screaming. They seem totally in control.Seems kinda like owl brain, yeah? But- it’s not. It’s protection mode, even if the behavior seems calm. In this episode, we’ll talk about how kids can use their thinking brain in the service of their protective brain. They might plan, plot, and problem-solve… but they aren’t integrating. They aren’t considering other people, or long-term consequences. They’re thinking, but they’re not connected.In this Episode You’ll LearnWhy calm doesn’t always mean regulated (and what’s really going on in those moments).How “clever” misbehavior can actually be protection mode — even when it looks smart or controlled.How a child can plan into the future- and still be in protection mode. What to do after the Owl Brain returns — how to hold accountability, repair, and make success inevitable next time.Resources mentioned in this podcast:Resources included in the blog summary go hereRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/calculatedCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

You ask your child what happened, and before you can finish the sentence, they’re already saying, “It wasn’t my fault!”Sound familiar?I know this is SO frustrating! But there’s a reason this is so hard, and it has everything to do with (of course!) the brain and nervous system.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why taking responsibility is an Owl brain skill that depends on reflection, regulation, and cause-and-effect thinkingHow Watchdog and Possum states block the ability to reflect and instead create defensive, blame-shifting languageSimple ways to grow your child’s capacity for responsibility through connection, regulation, and safety, not shameResources mentioned in this podcast:All About Me workbook ($15 download on my website or FREE with your Club membership)Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/responsibilityCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Sometimes you share something about the brain—like how all behavior makes sense—and people push back hard. Maybe they dismiss it. Maybe they even get mad. It can feel confusing, because once you see the truth of relational neuroscience, it feels like such a relief. So why are some folks so resistant?In this episode, you’ll learn:Why resistance is often the nervous system’s way of protecting from grief, shame, or instabilityHow relational neuroscience challenges not just parenting practices but entire worldviewsWays to respond—with compassion for others and yourself—when resistance shows upResources mentioned in this podcast:Parenting When Your Partner Is Not On Board {EP 146} Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/resistCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Sometimes, your kids can handle frustration or disappointment with ease, and other times the exact same challenge sends them into meltdown mode. This can feel really baffling! Why are they so inconsistent?Well, part of that difference comes down to their window of stress tolerance.In this episode, you’ll learnWhat the window of stress tolerance is and how it connects to your child’s Owl, Watchdog, and Possum brainsWhy widening the window matters for learning, relationships, and everyday lifePractical ways you can help your child (and yourself!) expand the window through connection, playfulness, noticing the good, and self-compassionResources mentioned in this podcast:What Does Co-Regulation Really Look Like? {EP 81}Scaffolding is a Form of Co-Regulation {EP 82}Boundaries with Connection Part 1 of 3 {EP 111}Felt Safety (Inside) - Part 1 {Ep 161}Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/windowoftoleranceCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Have you ever smiled while you were seething inside? Or told your child “it’s fine” when it absolutely wasn’t? That mismatch (incongruent affect, we’re gonna talk psychology mumbo jumbo) isn’t just confusing. It’s a cue of danger- to your child’s nervous system AND to yours!In this episode, you’ll learn:Why kids are biologically wired to trust their caregivers and what happens when their neuroception contradicts the words they hear.How “faking calm” backfires, and why matching energy without dysregulation is a more effective way to bring safety.How growing your window of tolerance and strengthening your owl brain helps you stay regulated while feeling big, hard feelings.Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/incongruentaffectCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors turned TWO! 🥳So, we’re having a party right here on the podcast.Parties have gifts, so I’m offering three “gifts” for you- a little help around three behaviors that are still SO BAFFLING!In this episode, you’ll learn:Why regression (aka “acting like a toddler”) is actually a sign of your child’s nervous system falling down the protection mode pathway, and a few ideas of how to respondWhat’s really happening when your child is inconsistent with their skills (sometimes they can, sometimes they can’t!) and why that doesn’t mean they’re being manipulative.How to make sense of your own baffling behavior (like yelling or doing the things you swore you wouldn’t do)...and a couple thoughts on what you should do about it (you won’t be shocked by my recommendations)We’ll also celebrate the community this book has created and how the ideas in it continue to ripple out through parents, professionals, and kids all over the world.If you’ve found something helpful in Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, I’d love for you to join the celebration by sharing your favorite takeaway, leaving a review, or gifting the book to a friend. Resources mentioned in this podcast:Resources included in the blog summary go hereRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/happybirthdayCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Understanding behavior helps us actually solve the problem, leads to compassion, and actually helps behavior to change, but first we must understand why we are so afraid that understanding behaviors means we are excusing "bad" behaviors.In this episode, you’ll learn:The difference between understanding behavior and excusing behaviorWhy understanding behavior is importantWhat are our fears about understanding behaviorWhat leads to behavior changeThe importance of compassionate boundariesCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Parents aren’t the only ones providing co-regulation — we need it too. In fact, connection is a biological imperative for every nervous system, including yours. When you’re raising kids with big, baffling behaviors, the imbalance in reciprocity can be exhausting, isolating, and even grief-inducing. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to do this alone, and there are real, meaningful ways to find the connection your nervous system longs for.In this episode you’ll learn:Why co-regulation isn’t just for kids — it’s essential for parents tooHow predictability and cues of safety help you know where to find connectionWhy imbalance and grief in parenting make sense — and what to do with themHow communities (even online ones!) can be powerful sources of connection and safetyResources Mentioned on the Podcast:When Connection Isn’t Safe- Oppositional Series Part 3 {EP 158}When Connection Isn’t Safe- Oppositional Series Part 4 {EP 159}Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/biologicalimperativeCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Your child’s behavior isn’t telling you the whole story. Their behavior is telling you just the story their nervous system is writing in that moment.This week, let’s continue my deep dive into my conversation with Deb Dana (episode 233), exploring how polyvagal theory offers us the hope of rewriting the nervous system story. We’re going to talk about the power of believing our children when they tell us the story of their nervous system and steps we can take to help them rewrite that story (if needed).In this episode, you’ll learn:Why “story follows state” and how this helps us understand our children’s accusations, defensiveness, or “overreactions.”How to resist getting swept into your child’s dysregulation tornado, so you can hold onto compassion (for them and yourself).Practical ways to reframe behavior- like lying, defiance, and opposition- as nervous system responses instead of “badness,” and how that shift helps to rewrite their story…and why that matters. Resources mentioned in this episode:Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/rewritingCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems often means that parents and caregivers are living in a state of chronic chaos and danger. Even if the behaviors aren’t ‘that bad,’ it’s dysregulating to live with someone in chronic protection mode. In this episode, I take a closer look at how polyvagal theory helps us understand the nervous system’s longing for safety—even when life feels overwhelming—and how parents can increase cues of safety even in the midst of ongoing stress.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why neuroception continuously scans for cues of safety and danger, and how that shapes whether we live in connection or protection mode.How to use the “inside, outside, between” framework to notice and intentionally increase cues of safety in daily life.The hopeful truth that cues of safety from relationships, pets, and nature can eventually be internalized—giving us safety that lives within us, always.Resources mentioned in this podcast:Felt Safety (Inside) {EP 161}Felt Safety (Outside) {EP 162}Felt Safety (Between) {EP 163}Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/chronicprotectionmodeCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources :::Grab a copy of my book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubApply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)