Confession vs. Self-Loathing - Phil Newton

This week, we’re revisiting an important conversation from an earlier season of This vs. That.When does harshness in a relationship cross the line into abuse? And how can we recognize the difference when the signs aren’t always obvious?In this episode, we sit down with Darby Strickland, counselor and faculty member with the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation (CCEF), to talk about harshness vs. abuse.Together, we explore the dynamics of abusive relationships, why abuse can be difficult to recognize from the outside—and even from within the relationship—and how Christians can better understand, support, and care for those experiencing abuse.This is a conversation worth returning to, especially for counselors, ministry leaders, friends, and anyone wanting to better understand how to respond wisely and compassionately to those who are suffering.Resources from Darby Strickland:What Is Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping VictimsSomething Scary Happened: Comfort for Children in Hard TimesDomestic Abuse: Help for the SuffererDomestic Abuse: Recognize, Respond, RescueTrauma: Caring for SurvivorsWhen Children Experience Trauma: What to Do When Something Scary HappensThis vs. That is a podcast of Anchored Virtual.Anchored Virtual provides practical help to those who are hurting by anchoring their hope in Jesus and helping others better understand his promises. Our counselors provide reputable, biblical counsel for those suffering or walking through difficult seasons of life.To meet with a counselor, visit anchoredvirtual.com and schedule an appointment today.

On this episode of This vs. That, we share the first half of a conversation from our sister podcast, Consult the Counselor. Brian Walker talks with Anchored Virtual counselor Josh Clink about the difficult and nuanced work of counseling abusive men. Together, we consider how abuse uses patterns of power and control, why those patterns can be difficult to recognize, and how counselors and pastors can pursue accountability and repentance while prioritizing the safety of those who have been harmed. We also discuss avoiding false moral equivalence, recognizing manipulation, and maintaining healthy boundaries as we point toward the hope of genuine, gospel-centered change.

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Bekah Hannah and Abbey Wedgeworth about fearful versus wise engagement in parenting. Drawing from their recent books and their own experiences raising children, Bekah and Abbey help us think about what it looks like to prepare our kids for a difficult and unpredictable world without parenting from a place of fear or anxiety. We talk about why parenting formulas can be so appealing, how our desire to protect our children can sometimes become an attempt to control their experiences and outcomes, and why dependence on God offers something far more secure than getting everything right. Along the way, we discuss helping children navigate fear, doubt, difficult emotions, suffering, failure, and circumstances that are simply beyond our control. Becca and Abby share how they are learning to resist the impulse to immediately fix their children’s problems or tell them how they should feel, choosing instead to create space for honest questions, difficult emotions, and age-appropriate exposure to the realities of life. We also explore what it means to bring a non-anxious presence into our homes, how our reactions can reveal what we are wanting from our children, and why redefining our idea of the “good life” can free us to parent with greater wisdom and peace. Whether your instinct is to shield your children from hard things or push them quickly toward the right answer, this conversation encourages us to slow down, trust God with our children, and help them discover that even when life does not go the way they hoped, they are still known, loved, and kept by him.

On this episode of This vs. That, we sit down with Dave Wiedis, author of The Spiritually Healthy Leader: Finding Freedom from Self-Sabotage, to discuss how hidden motives and ruling passions can quietly undermine our leadership, relationships, and intimacy with Christ.We explore the warning signs of self-sabotage, the danger of confusing ministry success with spiritual health, and the importance of receiving honest feedback. Dave also helps us consider how our family stories, past wounds, desires for comfort, control, affirmation, and safety can shape the way we lead. Together, we talk about bringing those motives into the light, seeing ourselves through the grace-filled eyes of Christ, and pursuing genuine repentance and lasting transformation.----For more information about Anchored Virtual, visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠anchoredvirtual.com

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Portia Collins about freedom in Christ vs. living in bondage. Drawing from her book Finding Freedom in Christ: An Eight-Week Study of Galatians and her own story of coming to understand the gospel more fully, Portia helps us explore what Paul means when he says that Christ has set us free. We discuss how biblical freedom differs from our culture’s idea of being free to simply do whatever we want, and why both lawlessness and legalism ultimately leave us in bondage. Along the way, we talk about the subtle ways Christians can begin attaching their identity and worth to ministry, parenting, spiritual disciplines, accomplishments, and other good things, and how disappointment and loss can reveal where we have been looking for something other than Christ to secure us. We also consider how our adoption as sons and daughters of God changes the way we understand obedience, identity, and our relationships with other believers, and why the law was never intended to be a means of earning salvation. Portia shares how the book of Galatians transformed her own understanding of the gospel and continues to draw her back to the finished work of Christ when she is tempted toward performance and self-reliance. Whether you tend toward trying to prove yourself through what you do or toward defining freedom on your own terms, this conversation reminds us that true freedom is not found in ourselves, our performance, or the absence of restraint, but in belonging to Christ and resting in what he has accomplished for us.

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Tim St. John, counseling pastor at Lighthouse Community Church and author of After Church Hurt, about faithful wounds versus church hurt. We consider the important difference between the discomfort that comes from loving correction within the body of Christ and the destructive pain that results when sinful patterns are minimized, normalized, or protected within a church. Tim helps us think through why faithful wounds are an essential part of Christian community, how pastors and church leaders can cultivate a culture of humility and repentance, and what distinguishes ordinary relational failures from more serious patterns of church hurt. We also discuss how those who have been deeply wounded by a church can begin to process what happened, discern when it may be necessary to leave, and slowly rebuild trust in Christian community. Along the way, we talk about the importance of acknowledging and naming sin clearly, creating space for lament and grief, resisting the desire for a perfectly comfortable church, and learning to recognize the character and fruit of healthy church leadership. We also consider the unique role biblical counselors can play in caring for those who have experienced church hurt by listening patiently, helping them understand their experiences through Scripture, and continually pointing them toward the character and compassion of Christ. Whether you have personally experienced church hurt, are walking alongside someone who has, or are a pastor or counselor seeking to care faithfully for wounded people, this conversation offers a thoughtful framework for pursuing truth, healing, humility, and healthy life together in the church.

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Peter Beck about lament versus despair and his deeply personal experience with PTSD. Drawing from his book, The Dark Night of the Soul, Peter shares how trauma reshaped his life, challenged his understanding of strength, and brought him face-to-face with seasons when he knew God was present but struggled to feel His nearness. We talk about the biblical difference between lament and despair, why suffering isn’t something we can simply think or pray our way out of, and how Scripture gives us language for walking faithfully through darkness.We also discuss the role of counseling and medication alongside confidence in the sufficiency of Scripture, the difficulty of admitting when we need help, and how friends, family, churches, and counselors can meaningfully walk alongside those experiencing trauma, depression, or thoughts of self-harm. Through Peter’s honest story, we consider what it means to acknowledge weakness, receive help as an expression of God’s common grace, and hold onto hope even when the darkness doesn’t immediately lift.

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Phil Newton about confession versus self-loathing. Phil helps us understand the difference between agreeing with God about our sin and trying to punish ourselves for it. We discuss why true confession leads us to Christ, how self-loathing can become a form of self-reliance, and why Jesus’ finished work is enough for our guilt and shame. We also talk about the role of Scripture, daily devotion, corporate confession, and the assurance of pardon in helping us see both the seriousness of sin and the greater sufficiency of Christ.

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Karrie Hahn about the difference between miserable comforters and godly comforters in chronic suffering. Drawing from her book, Limping Heavenward, Carrie helps us consider how well-intentioned words, spiritual soundbites, avoidance, and neglect can add weight to those who are already suffering. We explore why true comfort requires humility, compassion, presence, and a willingness to listen before we speak. Together, we reflect on how the gospel shapes the way we come alongside those who are enduring long-term pain, offering not quick fixes or tidy answers, but faithful presence, practical help, and hope in Christ.-----For more information about Anchored Virtual, visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠anchoredvirtual.com

On this episode of This vs. That, we talk with Rebekah Hannah about her book The Secret to Confidence and the difference between focusing on our identity in Christ and rooting our confidence in Christ Himself. We reflect on how self-focused “identity talk” can subtly become a self-help tool, why real stability can’t come from our performance (or from other people), and how beholding Christ changes the way we live, lead, and relate. We discuss practical ways to strengthen confidence in Christ, how to escape the cul-de-sac of constant self-evaluation, and how seeing the image of God in others frees us from unrealistic expectations and comparison.----For more information about Anchored Virtual, visit ⁠⁠⁠anchoredvirtual.com