S12E4 - The Way Back In - THE FRAMEWORK

What do the children who include others, stand up for each other, and ask for help when things go wrong have in common? In the final episode of the series, and in time for Anti-Bullying Week, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello explores how courage, empathy, belonging, and help-seeking are built in ordinary classroom moments.She also looks back on everything the six-part series has covered. This series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.In this episode: Psychological safety: the foundation the other nine components stand on Why courage in a classroom is small, and how to notice it well Amira, Josh, and the dining hall: how empathy gets built Belonging, and why reliable beats fun Asking for help, and why one irritated sigh can undo it Try it tomorrow: "Spotted it" and teaching children how to ask for help A look back at the whole seriesThe help script: "I'm stuck on..." "I've tried..." "Can you help me with...?"The Resilient Classroom (the whole series): Ep 1: Why Resilience, Why Now? GROW framework (Getting it wrong, Reflecting, Owning it, Working it out) Ep 2: The Brain That Walks Into Your Classroom: hand model & Monday soft landings Ep 3: What Behaviour Is Trying to Say: iceberg pause & four steps when you don't know why Ep 4: Calm Is Contagious: sniff, sniff, sigh & after-lunch shakeout Ep 5: When the World Breaks: tricky tasks scan & grief calendar Ep 6: Building the Resilient Learner: "Spotted it" & help scriptFind out more & Links:• Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/SnBx9AKMsLc?si=NWgLzel8zkB_XKUJ• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/Follow us on Social Media:• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid• Email: [email protected] research on a stable adult bond draws on Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith's Kauai Longitudinal Study.The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

Content note: this episode discusses grief, loss and bereavement in childhood. Support details are below.How do you support a grieving child when you're not a grief counsellor? Psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello explains why children grieve differently from adults, which well-meant phrases can quietly hurt, and why presence matters more than perfect words. With Christmas approaching, she shares two simple ways to plan ahead for the children in your class who are carrying a loss.This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.In this episode:What grief is, and why it isn't only about deathPuddle-jumping: why grieving children can laugh and cry in the same hourEvie and the green benchThree phrases to avoid, and the one sentence to rememberWhy clear words like "died" are kinder than euphemismsGrief's long tail, and the first Christmas after a lossTry it tomorrow: the tricky tasks scan and the grief calendarTimestamps:00:00 Content Warning and Support00:23 Evie at Home Time01:20 Why Teachers Matter02:45 What Grief Really Is04:26 Puddle Jumping Explained06:04 Signs of Grief in Class07:03 Helping Evie with a Plan09:11 What to Say and Avoid14:25 Use Clear Language16:35 Grief Has a Long Tail18:49 Supporting Friends and Peers19:15 Two Planning Tools21:34 Three Takeaway Tips22:39 Support Resources and Wrap UpThe one sentence to remember: "I'm so sorry. I'm here."Where to find support:Winston's Wish: support for bereaved children and young people, with resources for schools. winstonswish.orgChild Bereavement UK: support for children, families and schools. childbereavementuk.orgSamaritans: free, 24 hours a day, for anyone who is struggling. Call 116 123 or visit samaritans.orgHome - 2wish Support for those affected by sudden death in young peoplePlease check these details are current before publishing.Next week: The final episode, Building the Resilient Learner. Courage, empathy, belonging and asking for help, in time for Anti-Bullying Week.Find out more & Links:• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): ⁠https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist⁠• The Resilient School training and consultancy: ⁠https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services⁠• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: ⁠https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI⁠• Newsletter sign-up: ⁠https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup⁠• Main website: ⁠https://theresilienthub.co.uk/⁠Follow us on Social Media:• Facebook: ⁠https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk⁠• Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid⁠• LinkedIn: ⁠https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid⁠• Email: ⁠[email protected]⁠The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

Where does calm actually come from in a classroom? Not from a poster. In this half-term episode, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello explores co-regulation: why the adult's nervous system is the most powerful regulation tool in the room.She shares simple breathing and movement tools to practise with your class, and asks educators to turn some of that care on themselves. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.In this episode: Co-regulation: why your calm (and your stress) is contagious Leo, wet play, and Mrs Walsh's five seconds Connection before correction, and emotion coaching in action The toolkit: breathing, movement, and calm corners children choose Your own window of tolerance, and a small half-term ask Try it when you go back: "sniff, sniff, sigh" and the after-lunch shakeoutSniff, sniff, sigh (the physiological sigh): 1. Sniff in through the nose: quick breath in 2. Sniff again, on top: fill right up 3. Sigh out slowly through the mouth: longer than the breath in Repeat 2–3 times, and practise it when everyone's calmNext week: Supporting children through grief and loss, ahead of Children's Grief Awareness Week.Find out more & Links:• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/Follow us on Social Media:• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid• Email: [email protected] episode draws on the work of Megan Gunnar (co-regulation and cortisol), Stephen Porges (polyvagal theory), John Gottman (emotion coaching), Matthew Lieberman (affect labelling), and Dr Daniel Siegel ("name it to tame it").The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

What if the child who's hardest to teach is telling you something important? In the last week before half-term, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello asks one question that changes how we respond to behaviour.She explores the iceberg beneath what we see, why "attention-seeking" is often connection-seeking, and what to do in the moment when you have no idea why a child is struggling. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.In this episode: One question that changes everything: "What is this behaviour telling me?" The iceberg model, and why rewards and sanctions bounce off a flipped lid Joe and the book on the floor: attention-seeking or connection-seeking? Children do well if they can: behaviour as a lagging skill Before the storm: the relational bank account and early warning signs Try it tomorrow: the iceberg pause, and a four-step response for when you don't know whyWhen you don't know why: four steps 1. Calm voice: slow it down, take a breath, drop your shoulders 2. Fewer demands: in the storm, ask less, not more 3. Stay close, but not too close: get down to their level, slightly to the side 4. Name what you see, without judgement: "Something feels really hard right now, and I'm here"Next week: Calm is contagious. Co-regulation, practical tools for breathing, movement and calm corners, and a half-term look at your own wellbeing.Find out more & Links:• Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/5i9tZ5jtiTI• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/Follow us on Social Media:• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid• Email: [email protected]"Children do well if they can" and lagging skills draw on the work of Dr Ross Greene.The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

Why can a child manage their phonics on Tuesday but not on Monday morning? Following World Mental Health Day, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello takes educators inside the developing brain.She explains why a stressed child can't learn, what "flipping your lid" really means, and how a predictable routine can keep more children in their learning zone. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.In this episode: Why the thinking brain is still under construction until the mid to late twenties The upstairs and downstairs brain, and why logic doesn't work mid-meltdown Fight, flight, and freeze, and a fourth response that hides in plain sight (fawning) The hand model: a simple way to explain flipping your lid to children The window of tolerance, and why every child's window is a different size Alfie and the bin: rethinking Monday mornings Try it tomorrow: teach the hand model, and build a Monday soft landingThe hand model in four steps: 1. Thumb across the palm: the downstairs brain, your feelings and smoke alarm 2. Fingers folded over the top: the upstairs brain, your thinking brain, looking after your feelings 3. Fingers flip up: big feelings have flipped your lid 4. Fold them back down slowly: with breathing, movement, quiet, and a calm grown-upNext week: What behaviour is trying to tell us. The iceberg beneath the behaviour, and why "attention-seeking" may be the most misunderstood phrase in education.Find out more & Links:• Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/SnBx9AKMsLc?si=NWgLzel8zkB_XKUJ• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/Follow us on Social Media:• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid• Email: [email protected] upstairs/downstairs brain, hand model, and window of tolerance draw on the work of Dr Daniel Siegel.The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

Why are so many children arriving at school already in survival mode, and what can educators actually do about it?In the first episode of The Resilient Classroom, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello shares the story of the lion in the attic, looks at how childhood has changed, and introduces GROW: a simple, honest framework for turning mistakes into the place where resilience is built.This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.In this episode: The lion in the attic, and why so many children arrive in fight or flight What has changed: lost micro-moments of independence, the shrinking village, and the removal of everyday risk What resilience is (bouncing forward) and what it is not (toughness, the absence of struggle, or a fixed trait) Psychological safety: the foundation the book's ten components of resilience stand on Isla and the screwed-up page: GROW in action Try it tomorrow: GROW on the wall and "Let's GROW this"The GROW framework: G – Getting it wrong: the attempt is the point R – Reflecting: what happened, what did I notice, what did I feel? O – Owning it: responsibility without shame W – Working it out: what will I try next?Next week: The brain that walks into your classroom. Upstairs and downstairs brain, the hand model, and why Mondays can be the hardest day.Find out more & Links:• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/Follow us on Social Media:• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid• Email: [email protected] Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

"The slow way back is generally the fast way home." — Ashley CostelloWHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUTIn this series finale, psychotherapist Ashley Costello brings everything together into a practical, evidence-based framework for building a successful school return. Moving away from quick fixes, Ashley details the UK "graduated approach" (Assess, Plan, Do, Review), the science of gradual exposure, legal/SEND rights (Section 19 & EHCPs), and side-by-side examples of primary pupil Zara and teenager Noah.⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS• 00:00 — Final Episode Setup• 02:09 — Graduated Return Framework• 02:32 — Assess, Plan, Do, Review• 07:19 — Why Gradual Works• 09:09 — Legal & SEND Support Options• 10:35 — Week by Week Return Plan• 14:52 — Zara vs Noah Examples• 17:36 — Bigger Picture Encouragement• 19:44 — Series Wrap & Next Steps📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS1. Follow Assess, Plan, Do, Review: Don't skip assessment or rush to solutions. Uncover the underlying function first.2. Start Smaller Than Feels Comfortable: Begin exposure with steps that feel almost too small (e.g., 10-min quiet visit).3. Know Legal Rights: Section 19 requires local authorities to provide suitable education after 15 days of health absence.4. Maintain Consistent Support: Don't withdraw support the moment attendance starts improving.5. Short Home-School Check-Ins: Keep brief, regular check-ins between parents and staff to track trajectory.📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES• SEND Code of Practice: Graduated approach framework• UK EBSA Review (2025): Analysis of 48 LA EBSA guidance docs• Lincolnshire/Lancashire/Bucks: EBSA return pathways• C.A. Kearney & W.K. Silverman: Functional model of school refusal• Education Act 1996 (Sec 19): Alternative education duty• SEND and You: EBSA FAQs & EHCP guidance• Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES• Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge• Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk• Newsletter: Join our newsletter• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon• Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected]• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedInProduced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

The Resilient Kid PodcastSeason 12: The Anxiety Behind the Absence — Episode 3 of 4: The Ones Who Stop Showing Up"The loudest sign of school avoidance is often silence... With a teen, the bedroom door stays shut." — Ashley CostelloWHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUTFocusing on secondary students and teenagers, this episode explores how anxiety and school avoidance manifest in older pupils. Using 14-year-old Noah's story, Ashley Costello reveals how teen EBSA presents through silence, social masking, and isolation. Learn about social evaluation anxiety, post-pandemic statistics (27% affected), and 5 practical strategies to rebuild connection while respecting autonomy.⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS• 00:00 — Intro & Disclaimer• 00:32 — Silent Signs of Avoidance & Masking• 01:59 — Noah's Story: The PE Incident• 04:51 — Why Teens Avoid School & Post-Pandemic Data• 07:00 — Social Evaluation Anxiety & Peer Brain Wiring• 11:17 — 5 Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers• 14:37 — Noah’s Support Plan & Autonomy• 18:36 — Progress & School Coordination• 20:19 — Reaching the Quiet Ones• 22:13 — Wrap Up & Next Episode Teaser📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS1. Ask Concrete Specifics: Skip broad "How are you?" questions. Ask about specific lessons or review the timetable together.2. Follow Up on Small Comments: Throwaway mentions like "I hate PE" are often tips of bigger issues. Revisit gently later.3. Respect Autonomy & Boundaries: Explore what screens provide (safety/escape) and carefully rebuild real-life connections.4. Get Specific with School: Identify exact triggers (cold-calling, PE) so pastoral staff can implement tailored adaptations.5. Communicate Side-by-Side: Talk while walking, driving, or via text to make sharing less confrontational for teens.📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES• Stem4: Youth mental health data on teen EBSA (27%)• BPS (2024): Rethinking school avoidance & secondary transition• C.A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance• Halidu & Kotera (2024): Adolescent social anxiety study• Norway Longitudinal Study: Social anxiety & school completion• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., EBSA review• Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES• Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge• Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk• Newsletter: Join our newsletter• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon• Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected]• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedInProduced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

"The goal is not to eliminate every moment of distress... The goal is to build patiently, predictably, the lived evidence that they can be separated and still survive, that they can do hard things." — Ashley CostelloWHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUTFocusing on primary-aged children (Reception to Year 6), this episode explores how anxiety and emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) manifest in younger pupils. Using seven-year-old Zara's story, Ashley Costello breaks down separation anxiety (affecting 3–5% of children), sensory overwhelm, and why staying home reinforces avoidance. Learn 5 gate-ready strategies to support children through manageable separation.⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS• 00:00 — Intro: Primary Anxiety & School Avoidance• 02:25 — Zara’s Story: The Morning Spiral & Fears• 04:57 — Separation Anxiety & Avoidance Mechanics• 08:49 — Classroom Overwhelm & School Supports• 10:59 — 5 Gate-Ready Tips for Parents & Teachers• 14:33 — Zara’s Plan in Action: Predictable Rituals• 17:30 — Navigating Parent Guilt & "Snowplough" Instincts• 20:06 — Looking Ahead: Teaser for Teen Anxiety📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS1. Keep Goodbyes Short: Practice a brief, consistent routine (e.g., "See you at half-past three"). Long goodbyes increase distress.2. Concrete Bounded Connection: Use pocket comfort objects or lunchbox notes instead of open-ended phone calls.3. Safe Space with Boundaries: Set up a calm classroom "pit stop" with clear time limits focused on returning to class.4. Validate Without Confirming Fears: Don't promise "nothing bad will happen." Say: "I see you're worried, but I know you can do hard things."5. Act Early: Address early warning signs like Sunday night worries immediately with the school team.📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES• Separation Anxiety Disorder: Clinical features & PMC review• Christopher A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance• Education Gateshead: Primary separation anxiety guidance• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., review of EBSA interventions• Anna Freud Centre: EBSA guidance & resources• NHS: Separation anxiety support in children🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCESAccess exclusive guides, worksheets, and listener-only tools:• Lounge: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/trh-courses/listeners-lounge 🔗 USEFUL LINKS & CONNECT WITH US• Our Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk• Newsletter: Join our mailing list• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon• Teachers’ Guide Waitlist: Email [email protected]• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedInProduced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUTFor many families, the school gate is a battlefield. Whether it's a child refusing to undo their seatbelt, Sunday night stomach aches, or a teen who won't leave their room, emotionally-based school avoidance (EBSA) is a growing crisis. In this episode, psychotherapist Ashley Costello explains the neurological mechanisms of avoidance, how reassurance can feed anxiety, and how push/pull factors dictate behavior. Through the stories of Zara (7) and Noah (14), you'll learn how EBSA presents across ages and how to find the true function behind the absence.⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS• 00:00 — Intro: The School Gate Battlefield• 02:15 — Understanding EBSA (School Avoidance)• 04:30 — Zara & Noah's Stories• 07:15 — The Functional Model of Avoidance• 10:15 — Negative Reinforcement: The Paradox of Avoidance• 12:45 — The "Push & Pull" Framework• 15:00 — 5 Top Tips for Parents & Teachers• 19:30 — Coordinated 360 Plan & Next Steps📋 TOP TIPS1. Track Patterns: Stomach/headaches are real. If they cluster on school mornings, look at the school environment. Rule out medical issues first.2. Quiet is Not Coping: Compliant, withdrawn children who stay invisible are often struggling just as much as those with loud distress.3. Resist Over-Reassurance: Telling them "nothing bad will happen" can feed anxiety. Validate instead: "I see you're worried. I know you can do this. You can do hard things."4. Act Early: Full-scale avoidance is harder to reverse once established. Intervene on day three, not month three.5. Connect Fast: Sit down with the school's pastoral team early. A joint 360 plan is the only way to balance push and pull factors.📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES• Anna Freud Centre: EBSA guidance & definitions• Kearney & Silverman: Functional model of school refusal (1990)• Halligan & Cryer (2022): UK EBSA estimates• DfE: England pupil absence stats• West Sussex/Camden EPS: Push/pull frameworks• Children's Commissioner: School absence reports• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., review of EBSA interventions🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCESAccess exclusive guides, worksheets, and listener-only tools:• Lounge: resilientacademy.co.uk/lounge• 📺 Watch on YouTube | 📻 Listen on Spotify🔗 USEFUL LINKS & CONNECT• Our Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk• Newsletter: Join our newsletter• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon• Teachers’ Guide Waitlist: Email [email protected]• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedInProduced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.