Losing Your Identity After Loss

People mean well when they tell a widow she’s still young and that you never know who’s around the corner. If your marriage ended in violence and then in suicide, that advice skips the first question most women ask about any man, which is whether they’ll be safe with him.In our third conversation, Isabelle and I talk about dating after loss from two very different places. She left an abusive marriage ten months before her husband died by suicide, and she’s raising two young boys on her own. I started seeing Tanja while my first wife Cindy was still alive and still leaning on me for almost everything. Two very different experiences from two people navigating very different losses.An easier stretch doesn’t mean you’re done grieving.Last weekend I cried harder about Chloe than I had in months, and the next day I could barely function. Weeks of low-grade anxiety had been building the whole time, and I wasn’t aware of how much pressure had built up. We talk about why it’s so easy to show compassion to everyone else when that happens and so hard to show any to yourself, and why I can still feel like I’m letting Tanja down even when I know she doesn’t think that.Loneliness can pass for wanting sex until you get the sexWhen I first moved out, I’ll be honest about the motivation: I wanted to get laid. After two and a half years with none, I figured that would probably make things better. Instead, hooking up quickly showed me that I was craving emotional intimacy. It made me feel lonelier than I already did.She asks a question most men never have to askIsabelle describes what it’s like to see every man as a potential threat, even with a father and brother she adores and two sons she’s raising to treat women well. She doesn’t want to be out after dark. She doesn’t want a date to know her address. She talks about women in her support group who have remarried and wonders how they took that chance again. If you’re a man who’s never once wondered whether a first date might end with you getting hurt, I think you’ll find this enlightening.Red flags are easier to spot when you’re in a good placeI asked Isabelle how confident she feels in her ability to see red flags and hold a boundary. Her answer was zero, and she explains why. She never had much time on her own to figure out who she was before she met her husband. We talk about how self-esteem feeds discernment, and how low self-worth sends you looking for approval instead of looking clearly at the person across the table. Your kids live with dating decisions you can’t take backTanja came into my kids’ lives when they were six and five. She’s been a mother to Mel for far longer than Cindy ever was, and she still ended up competing with a ghost. I talk about a hard conversation I had with Chloe about whether I started dating too fast, and why I don’t regret it even though I can’t tell you what the right answer would have been. Isabelle talks about the belief that if she loves her boys enough and surrounds them with good men, she can protect them from what their father did. We both know that love gives your kids a better shot without guaranteeing anything.Timestamps* 00:00 The murder-mystery poster and a check-in* 01:07 Back to school after a year of homeschooling* 02:27 A night of grief over Chloe, and the day after* 06:36 Dating after loss* 07:15 How dating started before Cindy died* 12:00 Chasing sex and finding loneliness* 15:09 Why dating feels so different for women* 18:11 “You never know” and other things people say* 23:35 Elizabeth Gilbert’s take on marriage* 30:13 Trusting yourself to see red flags* 34:22 Self-esteem and discernment* 36:44 The rescue story women grow up on* 38:35 What fathers show their daughters about men* 40:37 Stepparents, kids, and competing with a ghost* 45:04 Love gives no guarantees* 49:53 The winter walk question* 53:11 Wrapping upFor weeks I told myself I was fine, and I somehow didn’t see it until the tears started flowing. It’s because I have a tendency to be The Rock. I’m working on it, but it still shows up. If you want to learn more about how you’re protecting yourself after a loss, the Gut Check will help. It’s a completely free assessment that will help you understand what you’re doing and give you some ideas on what to do about it.If you love a man who says he’s fine when you know he isn’t, there’s a partner version that will help you understand him better. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

People have a hard enough talking about grief. It’s even harder to talk about what it’s really like, behind closed doors and in the confines of your own mind. That’s the version that not too many people want to admit.In this conversation, I sit down with Jeannie Ewing, who spent ten years writing and speaking about grief before turning her attention to motherhood and caregiving at I Grow Strong Again and Ghost Mother. Between us, we’ve lived through most of what we talk about here.We get into why doctors reach for a prescription pad when what you have isn’t depression, it’s a normal reaction to a devastating loss. Why so many people believe grief is for the weak, and what that belief costs them. How to let your kids see your pain without dumping it all over them. What “grief is nonlinear” actually feels like, because the phrase itself tells you nothing.And we go where the title promises. The thoughts that show up after a devastating loss that you’d never admit to anyone. The relief. The shame. The anger at your own fragility. These thoughts don’t make you a monster. They make you human, and hearing someone else say them first might be the permission you didn’t know you needed.If you’re not yourself since your loss, or you love a man who isn’t, The Gut Check will show you what’s actually going on. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

Thank you Harriet Corvine, That Woman Who Writes Things, and many others for tuning into my conversation with Damon Mitchell! Damon Mitchell is a coach for men. He’s one of the few people on Substack whose comments consistently make me stop and think, so I asked him to sit down with me and talk. This is that conversation. Damon got sober in Costa Rica after seven months of drinking and drugs took him somewhere he didn’t want to be. He doesn’t call himself an addict. He calls it an abusive relationship with alcohol, and we spent some time on why that language matters. From there we got into how change really works. I shared the difference between technical problems and the deeper ones, the kind where the real obstacle is a belief you’ve been treating as fact your whole life. I walked through a real example of a woman who couldn’t make time to eat well, and how the thing stopping her had nothing to do with willpower or knowing what to do. Damon came at the same territory from a different angle. He works with parts, the idea that we’re not one single mind but a system of protectors doing their best to keep us from feeling old pain. Different maps, same terrain. Most of what stops us from changing is a protection system we’re not fully aware of.I told Damon about the scariest thing I’ve ever done, which was looking at my daughter’s body at her funeral. And the second scariest, which was learning to drop out of my head and be present with what was happening in my body. I resisted that for years. I thought the body stuff was nonsense. It turned out to be the thing that changed everything.We closed on why men need other men. Not advice. Not fixing. Being witnessed by another man when you finally the vulnerable things out loud. Most men have never had that anywhere in their lives, and most don’t know they need it until they feel it.The thing holding you back isn’t weakness. It’s protection, and most men have no idea what theirs looks like.If you’ve lost someone and you’re still going to work, still paying the bills, still telling everyone you’re fine, I built a free tool that shows you what’s actually going on. It takes about ten minutes and it’ll name the pattern you’ve been living inside without knowing it. It’s called The Gut CheckAnd if you love a man who’s lost someone and you can’t reach him anymore, there’s a version built for you too. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

This episode is about what happens when a family loses a son and a brother to suicide after a long, exhausting fight with mental illness.In this episode of the Man Down podcast, Jason sits down with Eric Fulmer, a husband, father of six, and technology leader who lost his 23 year old son, Nathaniel, in April of 2024.For nearly a year before Nathaniel died, Eric and his family were living inside the chaos of severe mental illness. Hospitalizations. Diagnoses. Psychosis. Constant fear. Constant hope. Constant exhaustion.They were still fighting for him when he died.This conversation covers:* Watching your child unravel while doing everything you can to help* Living inside the mental health system and realizing how broken it is* The shock of losing a child to suicide while trying to protect younger siblings* What it does to a marriage, a family, and a father’s sense of identity* The moment life resets and the old version of you disappears* Why grief forces a man to re-evaluate what actually mattersThis is a brutally honest conversation about parenting, helplessness, guilt, love, and how a man keeps going after the unthinkable happens.This episode is for:* Parents navigating mental illness with a child* Fathers carrying grief they do not know how to name* Leaders trying to show up while their personal life is wrecked* Anyone learning that you do not go back to who you were beforeIf you have ever felt like your life split into a before and after, this conversation will feel familiar.If this episode hit close to home, the 10 Realities Men Run Into After Loss (and No One Warns Them About) guide goes deeper. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools

Grab your Kleenex. Or if you’re feeling especially macho, get ready to pretend there’s something in your eye.This episode is not about staying positive or pushing through.It is about what happens when a man spends years fighting to see his kids and then gets diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer while that fight is still ongoing.In this episode of Man Down, Jason sits down with Adam Cousins, a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt, husband, father, stepdad, and cancer survivor.For more than a decade, Adam was locked in a family court battle trying to have a relationship with his children. Years of limited access. Years of missed time. Years of showing up and being told it still was not enough.Then, in the middle of that fight, he was diagnosed with a fast moving lymphoma and thrown into months of intense chemotherapy.This conversation covers:* What it is like to fight for your kids for years without resolution* Hearing the words “you have cancer” and realizing you have to fight for your life while you’re fighting for your kids.* Going through aggressive chemo while waiting on a court decision* Grieving children who are still alive* The toll this kind of loss takes on a man’s identity* Why shutting down feels safer but costs you so much more in the long run.There is no redemption arc here. No clean ending. No motivational spin.Just a real conversation about endurance, grief, anger, and what it takes to keep showing up when life keeps taking things away.It’s also a beautiful love story that shows what most men know, but don’t say enough: We’re immeasurably better when we have someone who loves us walking arm in arm with us. This episode is for:* Men dealing with serious illness* Fathers who have lost access to their kids* Guys who are holding it together on the outside* Leaders who are realizing strength is not the same as silenceIf you have ever felt worn down by a fight that never seems to end, this episode will hit close to home.If this episode hit close to home, the 10 Realities Men Run Into After Loss (and No One Warns Them About) guide goes deeper. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.mandown.tools