(Replay) Mismatched libidos with Kai Werder

(Replay from 2020)What happens when one person wants sex more often than the other?In this conversation with sex educator Kai Werder, we talk about mismatched libidos, responsive vs. spontaneous desire, how to talk about sex without pressure, and why intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex.We also get into scheduling play, creating the conditions for desire, and the three-part invite—one of my favorite ways to ask for what you want while making room for a no.New episodes of The Love Drive return in October.Got a question for the October Q&As?https://thelovedrive.com/ask/Further readingCome Together - Emily NagoskiCome As You Are - Emily NagoskiMating in Captivity - Esther PerelAlso mentionedAuthentic Seduction Skills with Dr. Alison Ash — this is where I learned the three-part invite.Listen to Authentic Seduction Skills with Dr. Alison AshFollow & SubscribeIf this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.Connect with meRead the blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.comThe Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/More about me: https://shaungalanos.com/about/

I'm sharing some of my favorite episodes throughout September, and this replay is a peek into a part of my life I don't talk about very often: my time giving erotic massage to women in San Francisco. A friend asks me how it started, what actually happened in those sessions, and what it eventually cost me. About a third of my clients cried on the table. Most of them weren't starved for sex. They were touch-starved, and I don't think that's changed much. We talk about touch, trust, and what can happen when you let yourself receive without giving anything back. There's a turn about halfway through. I'm not going to spoil it. This is a replay from 2019. New episodes return in October. Got something you want me to answer in a future Q&A? Leave it at https://thelovedrive.com/ask/ Mentions: Aphrodite's Daughters Book Follow & SubscribeIf this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.Connect with me⁠Read the blog⁠⁠The Love Drive Podcast⁠⁠Instagram: @thelovedrive⁠⁠More about Shaun⁠⁠Buy me a coffee⁠

I’ve missed being here. The last month has taken me somewhere I wasn’t quite expecting, and I wanted to check in and tell you a little about where I’ve been.This week is a little life update on what I’ve been building, why I’m giving myself a little more time before coming back with new episodes, and what this season of my life is starting to look like.I’m also sharing what’s next for The Love Drive - and why I’m more excited than ever about where this podcast is headed.For now, consider this a little update from me before we get into three of my favorite episodes from the Love Drive archives.Connect with Shaun: Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.com The Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/ More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/ Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

On July 13th, I lost one of my dear friends. Josh Kalven was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive cancer in March and died four months later. He was a husband, a dad to a five-year-old, and a sweet friend.This episode is a eulogy. I read Josh the letter I wrote him in June, back when we still thought he'd beat it. It's full of stuck ropes, bad slab, his famous hummus sandwich, and everything he taught me about climbing and friendship. And I talk about grief. What losing my dad, my dog, and now Josh has taught me. How devastating it is, and, if you can find it, how beautiful.Grief is unexpressed love. Maybe. It's also expressed love.If there's someone you love who doesn't know it, and an email you've been meaning to send, let this be your invitation to send it.I'm taking August off to move into the new place and rest, so this is the last episode until September. If it touches you, share it with someone who needs it. And I'd love to hear from you. Leave me a voicemail at 415-494-9559 or an email at [email protected]. Take good care of yourself and the people you love.Connect with Shaun:Read my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.comThe Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

The manosphere thinks going down on a woman is gay, submissive, or a low-return waste of time. It's wrong on all three — so I brought in an expert to help me prove it.In this crossover episode — Shameless Love — I sit down with sex educator Amy Baldwin from the Shameless Sex podcast for an honest, explicit, and useful guide to going down on women. We take apart the manosphere nonsense, then get practical: how to get out of your head as a receiver, real anatomy (yes, Amy brought a vulva puppet), hygiene without the shame, communication that actually works, and my field-tested tips for being great at this — plus a rapid-fire hot-or-not round to finish.Ten years ago I wrote a blog called What Women Wish You Knew About Eating Pussy. Consider this the 2.0.Explicit. Headphones recommended.Mentioned in this episodeShe Comes First — Ian KernerEmily Nagoski ("same parts, organized differently")Dan SavageMidori — the "pussy hug"Feeld (dating app) · Uberlube Amy's book, Shameless Sex What women wished you knew about eating pussy blog postLinksShameless Sex: podcast + shamelesssex.com (couples retreats, Oct 2026)Connect with ShaunRead the blogThe Love Drive PodcastInstagram: @thelovedriveMore about ShaunBuy me a coffee

A listener asks whether to move back to somewhere familiar or take a leap somewhere new. Shaun uses the question to explore something bigger: how do you make peace with a life you can't predict?In this episode: finding community after a move, the "third space" concept, why it took two years to find his people in Montreal, what Flagstaff taught him, and why every choice — city, relationship, kids, career — requires you to grieve the road not taken.Books mentioned:The Untethered Soul — Michael SingerMeditations for Mortals — Oliver BurkemamWork with MeI have room for 3 new coaching clients. If this episode resonated — this is exactly the work we can do together.shaungalanos.com/coaching or https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/love-and-relationship-mentorshipLeave a Listener Question📞 415-494-9559 📧 [email protected] with meRead the blogThe Love Drive PodcastInstagram: @thelovedriveMore about ShaunBuy me a coffeeFollow & SubscribeIf this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

Jess Janz is a writer, community facilitator, and the founder of Dinner With Strangers - a project that has brought over a thousand people together for a meal with one rule: no one talks about what they do for work. Her book, The Table Where We Meet, is out July 14th.We set out to talk about platonic love and ended up somewhere more personal - about what it actually means to bid for connection with a stranger, what gets in the way of letting people in, and what happens when someone turns the big scary light on and decides to stay anyway.In this conversation: why we project entire futures onto people we've known for five minutes, the grief of nine years of building something and not knowing where you end and the project begins, why friend breakups are so hard to mourn, and the small everyday acts that are actually love stories - if only we'd name them.What We Cover1.  Why we are obsessed with romantic love over platonic love - and what that costs us2.  How Dinner With Strangers works, and why removing the agenda is what makes connection possible3.  Projection: narrating entire futures onto strangers in coffee shops before they have introduced themselves4.  Bidding for connection - small honest signals and whether they get returned5.  Jess answers "how are you" honestly - fear about the book, and not knowing who she is outside the work6.  Identity tied to vocation and the danger of losing yourself in what you have built7.  The loneliness of being single while creating - no one to debrief with at the end of the day8.  The big scary light - what it means to be truly seen, and what is actually more terrifying: rejection or acceptance9.  Friend breakups - no script, no closure, no culturally sanctioned way to grieve10. How to actually build community - ritualizing friendship and why getting out of your comfort zone is the only answer nobody wants to hearAbout Jess JanzJess Janz is a writer, poet, and community facilitator based in Toronto. She is the founder of Dinner With Strangers, a gathering project that has brought over 1,000 people together across North America for meals where no one talks about what they do for work. She has hosted events for lululemon, Pinterest, Wealthsimple, and The W Hotel, among others.Her debut book, The Table Where We Meet: Lessons Learned From Dinner With 1,000 Strangers, is out July 14, 2026. She also writes a Substack called Gentle Company.Connect with JessInstagram: @jessjanzWebsite: jessjanz.comPre-order the book: jessjanz.com/bookSubstack: Gentle CompanyConnect with ShaunRead the blogThe Love Drive PodcastInstagram: @thelovedriveMore about ShaunBuy me a coffee

This week's episode is a tender one. I recorded this on Father's Day — three years after losing my dad — and I'm reading my Substack essay Living with a Broken Heart and riffing on what it means to keep showing up, keep feeling, and keep choosing love even when it costs you.I also make a correction from EP17, share a few quotes that have been sitting with me, and offer some practical tips on how to actually live with a broken heart — not just survive it.In This EpisodeA raw check-in: Father's Day, grief, and why I showed up to record anywayCorrection from EP17 (What is Love?) on Ho'oponopono — what it actually is, and why it mattersI read my essay: Living with a Broken Heart6 tips on how to live with a broken heartI have room for 3 new coaching clientsQuotes"God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." — Hazrat Inayat Khan"You have to keep breaking your heart until it stays open." — attributed to Rumi"Maturity happens when we learn to hold ambiguity: emotions that contradict each other, that don't quite make sense together. So maybe as we grow up, we get better at smiling when we cry, dancing as we grieve, being kind when we lose our shit." — Max Vallot"I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I must be growing." — UnknownBooks MentionedAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Lindsay C. GibsonThe Road Less Traveled — M. Scott PeckNo Bad Parts — Richard SchwartzA Note on Ho'oponoponoIn EP17, I referred to Ho'oponopono as a prayer, meditation, or mantra. That was incorrect. Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice with deep cultural roots and strict protocols around who can practice it and how. It's not a phrase or a technique — it's a process for restoring harmony within a family, traditionally facilitated by a trained elder.A listener and Love Camp alumna who works closely with this community took the time to write me a generous and educational correction, and I'm really grateful. The resources below are a good place to start if you'd like to learn more.Start here:Kekoa Kealoha on Ho'oponopono and The Pitt — A Kanaka Maoli content creator and activist responds to a "Ho'oponopono poem" featured in the HBO show The Pitt. Accessible, contemporary, and worth 2 minutes of your time.Moʻo ʻŌlelo: Moʻolelo Hoʻoponopono with Aunty Lynette Paglinawan and Kaʻaiʻai Paglinawan — A grounded, primary-source conversation about what Ho'oponopono actually is.Talk Story with Aunty Lynette: What Is The Hawaiian Way? — Not specifically about Ho'oponopono, but a beautiful introduction to Hawaiian worldview and values.Go deeper:Hoʻopono: Mutual Emergence — Dr. MeyerNānā I Ke Kumu: Look to the Source — Foundational texts on Hawaiian worldview, culture, history, and practiceWork with MeI have room for 3 new coaching clients. If this episode resonated — heartbreak, grief, fear of love and intimacy, learning to set boundaries or make requests for your needs — this is exactly the work we can do together.Book here or email me for more information. https://shaungalanos.substack.com/p/love-and-relationship-mentorshipLeave a Listener Question📞 415-494-9559 📧 [email protected] & SubscribeIf this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs it. Word of mouth is everything for an independent podcast.

I've been thinking a lot about why so many men end up looking for belonging in all the wrong places.This conversation starts with the manosphere, but it quickly becomes something much bigger. Laura Ramadei and I talk about why so many boys and men are starving for connection, why "fix yourself" advice so often misses the point, and how loneliness can make almost anyone vulnerable to people selling certainty.We get into emotional safety, friendship between men and women, why relational skills matter far beyond dating, and why being seen for who you are will always be more valuable than chasing status, money, or someone else's definition of success.I also share some of my own experience with validation, why I spent years looking for it in sex and relationships, and what I'm still learning about opening my heart instead of protecting it.This one's about choosing connection over performance. Mess and all.Mentioned in this episodeLouis Theroux – Inside the Manosphere (Netflix)https://www.netflix.com/tudum/articles/louis-theroux-inside-the-manosphere-release-date-news"Small Hands, Big Heart" (Girthmaster & Small Hands parody)https://www.facebook.com/61556509147521/videos/small-hands-big-heart-smallhands/1157398549907361/Girls on Porn Podcasthttps://www.girlsonporn.com/About Laura RamadeiLaura Ramadei is a sexologist and intimacy coach. She's the Safety Director at one of Los Angeles' most prominent play parties and the host of the Girls on Porn podcast.Laura works with individuals, couples, and groups, specializing in relationship counseling, desire discrepancy, non-monogamy, queer identity, and kink.Connect with LauraWebsite https://www.intimacywithlaura.com/Instagram https://www.instagram.com/intimacywithlaura/Substack https://intimacywithlaura.substack.com/Connect with ShaunRetreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedriveRead my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.comThe Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive

What is love? It's a question I've never seriously stopped to answer — and one that's surprisingly hard to get at.In this solo episode, I share reflections from Love Camp, a retreat I hosted for 25 people, where only one participant raised their hand when asked if they had positive loving role models growing up. I explore what love actually looks like in practice — not the grand gestures we're sold, but the quiet, boring, mundane acts of showing up.I read a letter I wrote to myself, share an email from my friend Kathy, and read some of my favorite quotes on love from M. Scott Peck and Rainer Maria Rilke — plus a Hawaiian prayer to close.This episode won't give you a clean answer. But it might help you live the question a little better.If you've ever found yourself asking what love actually is, why it hurts, or whether you're doing it right, this one's for you.Maybe the answer isn't something we figure out.Maybe we live our way into it.Listener question from Sarah in British Columbia, Canada.Featured quotes: M. Scott Peck "Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."Rainer Maria Rilke "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."Connect with Shaun:Retreats and latest offerings: https://bit.ly/m/thelovedriveRead my blog: https://shaungalanos.substack.comThe Love Drive Podcast: https://shaungalanos.com/podcast/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelovedrive/More About Shaun: https://shaungalanos.com/about/Buy me a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/thelovedrive