Rules: How to set consequences and boundaries that work: Vintage

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Featuring Mindfulness expert, Susie AsliHaving kids can seem like a non-stop obstacle course trying to get another living being to do things, whether for their own good or our own sanity.Getting the right balance between love and discipline is incredibly tricky, and for many of us it's a constant haggle.So what do the experts say about it? What works, and what about the teenager who doesn't seem to care?READ MY BLOG:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/whats-going-on-when-our-boundaries-and-consequences-dont-seem-to-work/TOP TIPS:Focus on Connection and a strong relationship with your teenager. Let teens experience the direct results of their actions. Consequences should be clear, time-limited, and directly related to changing the specific behavior.Involve Teenagers in creating consequences.Separate the Behavior from the Person: You love them unconditionally, but don't like the specific behavior.Don't take away activities that support personal development. Always provide context for rules and consequences.Be Consistent and Fair: Follow through with consequences, but remain flexible and understanding.Notice and acknowledge when they do well to build connection and mutual respect.Seek Support if you're finding it challenging to manage your teenager's behavior.RESOURCES USED:https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/family/effective-vs-counterproductive-methods-of-teen-punishment/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=PerformanceMax&utm_content=&network=x&placement=&target=&matchtype=&utm_campaign=16929735023&ad_type=responsive_pmax&adposition=&kwd_id=&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjQ7VuP6YXy_xN5VEyj-jTeNIwj1LDUhiSEaegaxw4NeK4zBWoI1GVMaArsTEALw_wcBParenting style as a moderator of the effect of temperament on adolescent externalising and internalising behaviour problems: https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/educational-and-developmental-psychologist/article/abs/parenting-style-as-a-moderator-of-the-effect-of-temperament-on-adolescent-externalising-and-internalising-behaviour-problems/78AC30E10887EC321057BF1E1C8CA349Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?We'd all love our children to breeze through school, enjoying a satisfying academic life, having lots of friends, and coming out at the end feeling a success. But what if you have a child that doesn't thrive in an academic environment? What if they can't or won't do the work? How do you deal with it and what techniques can you use to motivate them?According to eminent psychologist, Dr David Yeager, when kids hit puberty they're primarily looking for experiences that give them social status and respect.He says the common belief that teens and young adults are lazy and incompetent causes us to miss what really motivates them, and do some pretty dumb things that don't help.In his book, 10-25: The Science of How to Motivate Young People, Yeager - who's ranked as one of the top 0.1% most-influential psychologists in the world - explains how the science of motivating young people can help us to harness their drive for social status and a growth mindset so they're motivated to achieve their best.BOOK:10-25: The Science of Motivating Young PeopleDAVID YEAGER: Author/Professor/[email protected] Talks: Sir Ken Robinson Do schools kill creativity?https://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_do_schools_kill_creativity?language=enBooks referenced:The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned JohnsonThe Gift of Failure by Jessica LaheyThrivers by Michele BorbaSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?More than half of kids who've drunk alcohol under the age of 15 in the UK were offered it by their parents. Alcohol has been proven to cause seven types of cancer, according the World Cancer Research. According to other research, the earlier kids try alcohol the higher the risk they'll indulge in binge drinking and any alcohol-related harm.Parents don't want to harm their kids, so why are they giving them alcohol? According to research done by Community Alcohol Partnerships, parents often assume their kids are going to drink so they would rather it happened at home. To help us understand the issues, I invited Director of Community Alcohol Partnerships, Kate Winstanley, to talk through what we should be thinking as parents. PRACTICAL TIPS:Encourage sports, hobbies, clubs and social activities that keep your kids active and fulfilled.Teenagers say boredom is a reason for drinking. Encourage them to get a holiday job or volunteer.Establish routines, like mealtimes, that mean you can spend some time together and talk to each other. This helps your child to feel they can come to you if they have a problem.Know the facts and laws about alcohol and can talk in a balanced and constructive way about the pros and cons of drinking.Talk and listen to your teenager. It is important that they hear your views and that you hear theirs.Use everyday opportunities, for example a storyline in a TV programme, as a prompt.Make sure the ground rules are clear. Have consequences for breaking rules and enforce them. READ MY BLOG ON CONSEQUENCES - https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/whats-going-on-when-our-boundaries-and-consequences-dont-seem-to-work/Know where they’re going and who they’re with.OTHER RELEVANT HELP:PARTIES: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parties-for-teens-and-tweens-invitations-gatecrashers-and-alcohol/ALCOHOL: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/2-alcohol-how-to-discuss-it-and-staying-connected-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-and-w/CAP: https://www.communityalcoholpartnerships.co.uk/parents-carers/busting-the-mythsTALK ABOUT TRUST: https://talkabouttrust.org/parents-carers/RISKS OF UNDERAGE DRINKING:Immediate risks such as injury, violence, suicide, risky sexual activity, and other substance use;Developmental risks for the brain, liver, skeleton, and endocrine system. In particular adolescence is a critical period in brain development and the effects of alcohol can lead to permanent consequences;Social risks, including an association with future involvement in crime and lower educational outcomes.Worse future drinking patterns: earlier dSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Remember those years when your child followed you everywhere, and gazed at you with adoring eyes because you knew everything? Have they now turned into a teenager who simply grunts, or screams at you, when they occasionally emerge from their bedroom?Changes in a teenage brain help them to develop abstract thinking and self-reflection but they also make them hyper-critical and keen to develop emotional distance so they can practice life without you around.What to do: Daniel Siegel says we need to teach them to have reflective conversations:Numerous brain studies show that when we do this (either with someone else or in our own heads) it stimulates the integration of the prefrontal cortex where planning and problem solving takes place, and allows us to tune into others ie empathy. How to do it: JoAnn Deak - Girls will be girls.Don’t assume or jump in straight away.Don’t move straight to the fix-it mode.Help them to explore what they’re saying. Leave some grey areas.Discuss strategies for action. Don't overreact. Once you’re in the strategy phase that’s when your knowledge can help inform the teenager’s decisions. Don’t be afraid to provide your moral/philosophical bottom line. There are so many grey areas it can be a relief to know there are some black and white’s.Techniques: Parent Gym based on how to talk so your kids will listen.Super silence and active listening.When to do it?Try to develop regular non-crisis moments where conversations can happen. Saying goodnight, car journeys, meal-times, fixing their bike. Listen to the news together to start a discussion. Get them to entertain you. What’s the gossip? What are you reading? What have you been watching? What’s your favourite music at the moment? Take a genuine interest in their answers. Books, and materials, we've referenced: Brainstorm by Daniel SiegelHow to talk so your Kids will listen; How to listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine MazlishGirls will be girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters by JoAnn Deak Parent Gym coaching materialsTangling with your teenagerHelen wrote 'My sixteen year old is dating and says he’s in love. What do I do if he brings her home and wants her to stay the night? Do I put them in the same room, or separate them?' ISSUES:Explore your own  feelings about it, and why? Convey them to your child. Talk to the other parents to find out how they feel about it. If they aren’t happy, talk to the son about what his alternativesSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?It's a rare luxury to have both my girls available for half an hour to record an episode, and when I do I love to talk about listeners questions. Poor Amelia had a really bad cold, but she was still keen to help, so sorry about the sniffles.This time we talked about:Puberty and Body ChangesHelping girls navigate early stages of pubertyDiscussing body changes with daughtersApproaches to talking about wearing first brasToxic FriendshipsDefining what makes a friendship toxicRecognizing unhealthy friendship dynamicsSetting boundaries and knowing when to end a friendshipImportance of self-worth in friendship."Pick Me" GirlsOrigin and meaning of the termDifferent interpretations of "pick me" behaviorInternalized misogynyHow the term is used to criticize or police women's behaviorGender DynamicsMale gaze and body shamingSocietal expectations for girls and boysPressures to conform to certain behaviorsImportance of being authenticIf you have any other questions for my girls don't feel shy about messaging us. Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Long term listener, Cathy, has asked us some very heartfelt and important questions about how to support her teen at university. It's an excellent topic for us to tackle since Susie currently has one at university, I have one about to go, and two who have already graduated, one of whom gave me some excellent tips.It's a topic that evokes mixed-emotions for everyone.Here's what Cathy wrote:Please 'discuss how best to support your teen as they go off to university and live away from home for the first time. How about if they don't like their roommate, or they have difficulty sharing a room, or they have problems adjusting academically and or socially to university and they want to come home? Any tips for success?'We’ll be digging into those questions and more. We’ll look at the dropout rates to get an idea of what goes wrong.what challenges students face — from social pressure to mental health — and what you can do now to prepare your teen not just to survive university, but to thrive. We also share practical tips — like life skills they should master before they go, what kind of support they need once they’re there, and how to let go without disappearing completely.So, whether your teen is packing their bags this summer or just starting to explore their options, this episode will give you real tools to support them — and yourself — during one of the biggest transitions in family life.What struck me was that kids who start out well tend to have much higher rates of completion than those who struggle at the offset. It may seem obvious, but it's a very useful indicator of how important those early days and weeks are. It fits very neatly with the work of Dr Gregory Walton, Ordinary Magic, who featured in last week's episode. He says there are deep questions we ask at key points in life. These points are TIC's.T: Transitions in life.I: Points at which our Identity as at stake.C: When we have big Challenges. Often we are not conscious of these questions, but they can play havoc with our lives if we don't deal with them. The two big questions that comes up for university joiners are:Do I belong?Can I do this?PRINCIPLES FOR THIS FROM ORDINARY MAGIC:1 - Avoid negative labels. (I'm not bad)2 - You're not the only one. (It's normal)3 - Recognise causes taht don't malign you or others. (These are real obstacles for me)4 - Forecast improvement. (It can get better)5 - Recognise opportunities (Look for options and silver linings) I will be urging my daughter to engage fully with as many cSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Wouldn't it be great if we knew when and how we parents and teachers can make a massive long-term difference by doing something relatively small? What if we could catch those moments that might set off either an upward or downward spiral, and help our kids find the best path?Well, that's what this episode is all about. Dr Gregory Walton has been described as 'one of psychology's greatest architects of how to change behaviour for good', and 'one of the most important psychologists in a generation'. He is co-director of Harvard's Dweck-Walton lab and coined the term 'Wise interventions'; things we can do or say that hit the spot just at the point when another person is asking one of life's fundamental questions. His new book is called, Ordinary Magic. It's all about the science of how we can achieve big change with small acts. These are things that go much further than the small nudges that help people to make better choices. This is the sort of deep magic that can last a lifetime. Contact Dr Greg Walton: https://www.gregorywalton.com/CORE QUESTIONS:Can I do it?Do I belong?Am I enough?Who am I?Do you love me?Can I trust you?KEY POINTS AT WHICH CORE QUESTIONS TEND TO CROP UP: TIF'sTransitionsIdentity ChallengesTHE PRINCIPLES FOR THINKING THROUGH 'BAD' EVENTS:Avoid negative labels (I'm not bad)You're not the only one; you're never the only one. (It's normal)Recognise causes that don't malign you or others (I/you face real obstacles)Forecast improvement (It can get better)Recognise opportunities (Silver lining)Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?First love can be immensely powerful; a profound and unforgetable journey that shapes who we are. It teaches us about intimacy, boundaries and heartbreak and as parents it challenges all of our skills and perceptions.In this episode my daughter, Phoebe, offered to talk about her first experience; what it taught her, how it changed her, and what she thinks adults need to understand to support their teen; particularly one who is same sex attracted. What I learned from our experience is that the most important thing is knowing your child is in a kind, honest, loving relationship. Phoebe reflects on the problems with the long-distance aspect of her relationship, the struggle to gain assertiveness, and the eventual breakup. The conversation also touches on the role of social media, the importance of closure, and the growth Phoebe experienced as a result of her experiences. TOP BREAK-UP TIPS:Provide time and space for your teenager to process the breakup without pressure.Avoid making judgmental comments about the ex-partner or trying to convince the teenager they are "better off".Support your teenager in finding healthy coping mechanisms, such as focusing on personal goals and interests.Encourage your teenager to set boundaries with the ex-partner, including unfollowing on social media, if needed for the healing process.Recognize that the healing process after a first love breakup can take significant time, often 6 months or more.ADVICE FROM THE LUNA APP:Getting through a break up:Give yourself space if needed; set boundaries that work for youStay engaged in fun hobbies and activities to distract yourself and make new connectionsPrioritise self-care: eat well, exercise, sleep, and care for your mental healthBe patient; time is a healerKeep a gratitude journal to focus on other positive aspects of your lifeTalk to someone about your feelings, like a parent or guardian - they will have been there too!Remember that healing takes time, and you'll find a great match in the futureHow to break up with someone:Reflect on your decision: take time to think about why you need to end the relationship and make sure it's the right decision for youSpeak to a parent: in a quiet moment, communicate how you’re feeling to a parent - they will able to offer personalised advice and support which prioritises your wellbeingPrepare for their reaction: understand that everyone reacts differently to break ups. Be emotionally prepared for their response and ensure you're in a safe environment when you have this conversation 🗣Be honest: give them an explanation without making personal attacSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?In this episode I asked Susie to come in and help me tackle some listener questions:QUESTION: After a recent chat with my 13 year old daughter, I'm extremely concerned that she thinks she is ready to have sex with her boyfriend. He's 14, and they have been going out together for a few months. Gosh, they've only recently started kissing. I have been fairly relaxed about it until this recent conversation, and she has told me about a number of girls and boys in her year at school, which is year nine, gosh, who have already had sex, so they say. And she's disregarding my point. Yes, any tips, please? https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/relationships-and-sex-how-young-is-too-young/QUESTION: I'm a mom of three girls. I have noticed my nine year old has become very self conscious around me, and when I try to talk to her, there is no engagement whatsoever, and she's clearly very uncomfortable. I believe it's related to body changes, which my 11 year old is not yet experiencing I've made numerous attempts to give her space and discuss things, including writing notes, which she totally ignored, hanging around, folding washing near you know that sort of like lurking. She's just not opening up. BOOK: What's Happening to Me - Usborne BooksAnne of Green GablesQUESTION: Could you cover how to help your teenage daughter when they have no friends and are isolated? Oh, and how to cope with it as a parent? Yeah, I am so worried about my 13 year old daughter that I can't sleep and I feel sick when I think about how lonely she is. EPISODES COVERING FRIENDSHIPShttps://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?The intense, content-heavy exam system in the UK kicks off at this time of year with GCSEs and A levels; high-stakes exams that can feel like a make-or-break moment for teenagers. I've already discussed with Susie how we can support our teens through the stress, which you can download here:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/exam-revision-parenting-through-the-pressure/This time I'm joined by journalist Jenny Anderson who writes extensively about education, the attention economy, learning, science and technology. She's co-author of that amazing book, The Disengaged Teen, which I featured in episode 125, https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/122-how-to-get-our-teens-to-love-learning-and-why-parents-are-the-missing-piece-of-the-puzzle/Jenny has a child who's currently sitting GCSEs so we thought it would be a great time unpack why our current exam system might be doing more harm than good. We explore the incredible stress these exams create by making kids work to a rigid marking scheme causing both boredom and stress, why intense memorization isn't learning and the widening gulf between our current education system and what's going on in the world of work. We discuss why exams shouldn't define our children's worth, how to help them manage stress, and why experiences outside the classroom are just as crucial as academic achievements. Whether your child is currently studying for GCSEs or you're looking ahead, this episode will give you practical strategies to help your teenager navigate this intense period while keeping their confidence and love of learning intact.CONTACT: Jenny Anderson https://www.jennywestanderson.org/Instagram @jennyandersonwritesSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk