Friendship Pain: The Mental Shift That Can Protect Your Teen

Ask Rachel anything'Early adolescence is a friendship meat grinder, and your kid will eventually find their people,' according to Megan Saxelby of Wild Feelings. But oh boy it's tough!  Megan wants parents to know that using words like “dramatic” to describe genuine social pain can accidentally give us permission to dismiss their emotional reality and teach our kids that their experiences doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.In today’s episode we explore why it hurts so much to watch our child struggle socially, and why our instincts to either dismiss or ‘fix things’ can often make it worse.The good news is that there’s new research, by the eminent Dr David Yeager, that shows there’s one thing our kids can learn that can reduce depression in teens by nearly 40%.We hear the details and some great tips for us parents on the frontline.Megan Saxelby:https://wildfeelings.substack.com/ Rachel's Substack:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/The Study:https://www.nature.com/articles/s44220-022-00009-5This is such a big topic I have created a lot of content to cover it:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/puberty-toxic-friendships-pick-me-girls-top-tips-for-parenting-teenagers-from-teenagers-147/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/top-friendship-tips-for-teen-girls-lessons-from-real-life-sisters/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/139-preparing-for-secondary-school-friendship-groups-and-those-awkward-talks-about-porn-and-sexti/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/teenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingCome and join the community! https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangledI watched my daughter switch to a new laptop and melt down; not because she couldn’t learn, but because she didn’t have the bandwidth. And it hit me: we can cope well with change when we are relaxed and don’t have too much on our plates, but when we are working at the limits of our abilities change can feel overwhelming. It’s easy to think that our brains like to work, but solving problems takes huge amounts of energy so our brains are actually designed to create habits as quickly as possible to reduce the loss of precious resources. My daugter’s experience made me think about how we rely on small habits the way we rely on hotkeys. When we lose them, everything feels harder, when we build them into everyday family life they can actively reduce our stress and improve our connection.So this week my suggestion is to think about your routines; not rigid ones that you use to beat yourself up about (the should version) but anchors and hotkeys.Here are 4 ideas that can make family life calmer:Micro-habits that smooth the day, having a bowl where everyone puts their keys, reinforcing the small habits like putting the milk back in the fridge.A regular “we come together” moment during the week; whether it’s Sunday lunch, or Saturday morning brunch, elevenses, ‘film Friday’ or supper time.Being clear that dinner isn’t just a time when we eat, it’s a way to share our lives and our space.If the way you like to do things doesn’t seem to work for your teen try something different that might better fit their brainWhat anchors do you use in your household? I’d LOVE to hear your suggestions and tips.Old episode about reducing nagging using habits:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/nagging-reducing-the-friction-using-the-magic-of-routine/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingWe want our kids to do as well as possible, so when they mess up, do dumb things, or seem to be failing, it's easy to focus on their mistakes and what they should do instead. Naomi Glover, a leading applied neuroscientist and brain health specialist, says we'd get the best out of our kids by doing the opposite; focusing on their strengths.Coming from a  neurodivergent family, she truly understands the challenges faced by ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurotypes and offers practical, easy-to-use “brain hacks” for things like anxiety, focus, and emotional regulation.Naomi believes that once we understand how our brain works, we can work with it—not against it this episode gives us those tips.Naomi Glover:https://neuro-informed.comFind your strengths:PARENTS: https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/pro/parentingstrengths/account/registerUNDER 18'S: https://StrengthBoostU18.pro.viasurvey.org/Top tips:Lead with strengths, not deficitsRegularly name what your teen does well (kindness, perseverance, curiosity, humour, etc.) instead of only correcting what’s missing.Swap judgment for curiosityUse phrases like “I noticed…”, “Tell me more about what happened”, and “What could we do differently next time?” to keep conversations safe and open.Use recognition as rocket fuel (especially with ADHD/RSD)Give specific, genuine praise:“That was really kind leadership when you…”“I really appreciated you helping with the washing up – that was great teamwork.”Reduce brain overload with routines and single-taskingBuild simple, predictable habits (e.g. “Saturday is bed-linen day”).Avoid multitasking; do one thing at a time and protect focus where possible.Teach nervous-system resetsUse quick tools for you and your teen:Breathing: in for 4, out for 8, 3–5 times.Nature breaks: ~20 minutes outside to reset attention and mood.teenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingSubstack Link:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/A number of you have been using the word ‘failure’ or ‘failing’ when describing your parenting, and I think it’s heartbreaking because it betrays an attitude to our role that sees it as all or nothing, rather than the incredible journey we are all on.The most amazing thing is to be able to tell our kids when we think we might have misjudged something, or got upset, that we are sorry and we’d like to have another go.It teaches our kids that relationships are messy and that getting things wrong is inevitable. It releases them from thinking that when they get things wrong it’s a catastrophe, and allows them to see that relationships take time and effort and the ability to be humble; all of which is incredibly valuable in a world that’s selling a binary approach to the world.The greatest gift we can give our child isn’t to do with awards, it’s the gift of feeling that they matter profoundly. That who they are and what they think is important to those who are closest to them, and that they are loved for who they are, not who we wish they were.Risk—taking teenagers:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/risk-taking-teens-the-good-news-about-bad-behaviour/Lying teenagers:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/lying-teenagers-and-teens-who-complain-that-theyve-got-it-harder-than-their-siblings/This is an old episode about perfectionism, and how to help our kids overcome it. I think it applies just as much to us parents.https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/perfectionism-help-your-teen-and-yourself-overcome-the-need-to-be-perfect/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingWhile counseling sex offenders, Anna Sonoda, LCSW learned firsthand that grooming, the prelude to child sexual abuse, is intentional, gradual, and observable. Her message to us is, we're not bad parents, we just have a skills gap and she wants to fill it. I grew up in an era of stranger danger, but the truth is the vast majority of abuse happens inside our homes, online and offline, with people our kids know. So how can we spot the signs that a predator is moving in on us and our kids? Anna says there are clear stages of grooming that, once we know about them, we can intercept. She introduces the "4F formula" for grooming: flattery, favoritism, forbidden fruits, and fear, and stresses the importance of recognizing grooming's subtle signs. Anna advises parents to set clear device usage rules, use parental controls, and maintain open communication with their children. She also advocates for delaying social media access until age 16 and emphasizes the role of parents in curating their children's online and offline environments.In this episode we cover:What Is Grooming? (And Why Your Gut Isn’t Enough)Who Is at Risk? Myths About “Safe” CommunitiesOnline vs Offline Grooming: Why Both Matter The 4F Formula: Stages of Grooming Parents Need to KnowRed Flags of Grooming in Digital SpacesDevices, Social Media and Age: What’s Really Appropriate?Practical House Rules That Reduce Grooming RiskBuilding “Predator-Proof” Kids Through ConnectionReclaiming Parental Leadership in a Tech-Driven WorldResources:Anna Sonoda: www.annasonoda.comIWF: https://www.iwf.org.uk/ UK-based for reporting and removing innapropriate imagesCommon Sense Media: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/ For useful and appropriate age guidancePredator’s Playground: AI, Gaming, and the Kids at Riskhttps://annasonoda.com/blog/f/predator%E2%80%99s-playground-ai-gaming-and-the-kids-at-risk?blogcategory=Online+safetyProtecting Families in the Age of AI: 'Take It Down Act' https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/protecting-families-in-the-age-of-ai-take-it-down-act?blogcategory=Online+safetyteenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingHint: it depends on how you define happy and successful.We all want our kids to be happy and successful but what does that mean? In today's episode, I'm joined by Giselle Goodwin, author of Can Women Really Have it All? to talk about our definitions of success and happiness, and how they impact the way we parent. In this changing landscape where what we inherit can mean more than how hard we work what expectations should we have, and what message should we be giving our kids about their future if we want them to be happy? Do we have much of impact anyway?Eldest daughter syndrome:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/eldest-daughter-syndrome-and-the-trouble-with-parentification/The Family Dynamic and the Role of our Community in our Success:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/141-success-what-nobody-tells-us-about-the-role-of-siblings-are-parents-that-important/Inheritcocracy: How Society has Changed the Rules of Successhttps://www.teenagersuntangled.com/136-society-has-changed-are-education-and-hard-work-less-important-now-than-parents/Dr David Yeager: 10 to 25 'Status and Respect'https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/motivation-how-to-motivate-your-teenager-and-why-blame-and-shame-doesnt-work/Perfectionism:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/perfectionism-help-your-teen-and-yourself-overcome-the-need-to-be-perfect/High expectations episode and blog:Episode: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/standards-setting-high-expectations-without-the-pressure/Blog: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/setting-expectations-without-piling-on-the-pressure/Why mothers aren't happy:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/motherhood-and-careers-can-women-really-have-it-all/Giselle Goodwin: @gisellegoodwinwrites on Instagram and YouTubehttps://substack.com/@gisellegoodwinteenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingI’m so sorry. I make this podcast all by myself and I’m a busy mum who’s just getting the kids back to school and all that and I rushed to get the edit done last night and it turns out that the latest episode had music inserted in the most inconvenient place so you couldn’t actually hear the interview properly. Thanks so much to everyone who let me know but over five hundred of you had already downloaded the episode when I corrected it. If you were one of them. Sorry sorry sorry, please delete the old episode and download it again. Sadly, Apple podcasts are really slow to refresh episodes so you may have to give it a few days. The latest copy should be absolutely fine and trust me, it’s worth it. Dr Jody is amazing. Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingUpdated to correct the music issues at the beginning: This episode will change how you see “bad behaviour” and might just change how you see yourself, too.In this powerful conversation, with Dr Jody Carrington unpack what every parent and teacher needs to know about emotional regulation – and why you’re probably doing better than you think.In this episode, we cover:What emotional regulation really isThe “flipped lid” model and the role of the prefrontal cortexWhy kids don’t “lose their goodness” – they just lose access to itWhy your regulation matters more than any parenting hack“If the big people aren’t okay, the little people don’t stand a chance”How our phones, watches and constant comparison are quietly dysregulating usBehavior, consequences and connectionWhy a strict rewards-and-punishments model backfiresThe shift from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What happened to this child?”Repair: the real superpower in families and classroomsWhy the best predictor of lasting relationships is the capacity to repairHow to apologise to your child (and your partner) in ways that actually healPractical tools you can use todayThe phrases “Tell me more” and “What’s the hardest part?”The “collect before you direct” principleEveryday connection habits: eyes, car rides, bedtime, food, and shared interestsHope for worried, exhausted parentsWhy kids should be “worst” with you (and why that’s a good sign)The 30% rule that lets you drop the perfectionism and keep going.Dr Jody Carrington:https://www.drjodycarrington.comteenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingI thought we'd kick off the new year with an episode on how building our own community of people we admire can dramatically change our future and break from a difficult past.In this episode, I talk with Mitchell Osmond, who transformed his life from financial instability, marital strife, and addiction to a thriving marriage, debt repayment, and personal health. Mitchell attributes his turnaround to two pivotal moments: a marital fight and a funeral that made him question his life's direction. He formed a "Iron Five" group of mentors and within 18 months paid off $100,000 in debt, lost 60 pounds, and improved his marriage. Mitchell emphasizes the importance of presence over perfection in family life and the need for men to connect emotionally with their wives and children. He also discusses the impact of fatherlessness and the necessity of role models for boys. Mitchell Osmond:  @dadnationco  Where to find Mitchell Osmondhttps://www.dadnationco.com/New Year's Resolutions:EPISODE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/70-new-years-resolutions-love-them-or-loathe-them-the-question-is-how-can-we-make-them-work-for-u/BLOG WITH MY TECHNIQUE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/teenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingThe anxiety epidemic:In 2020 the UK charity Mental Health Foundation surveyed more than 2,000 children and found 50 per cent of teenagers aged 13-19 were experiencing anxiety they found hard to control.  Substack notes and PDF to go with this episode:https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangled/note/c-193100671?r=2u24i0&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=webhttps://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/p/the-rise-in-teen-anxiety Suggested books:·        The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry·       Breaking free from Childhood Anxiety and OCD, Eli Lebowitz.The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidthttps://www.anxiousgeneration.com/Key points taken from UNWINDING ANXIETY: by Judson Brewer Mindfulness is a key tool:'If you feel anxious it’s an uncomfortable feeling so you start worrying about it. Worrying is seductive because it makes you feel like you’re doing something to get to a solution. All it does is to distract you from the negative emotion. It temporarily numbs the difficult feelings and feels more rewarding to your brain than the original emotion.''If your brain learns that worrying provides temporary relief, then whenever you’re anxious your brain will trigger worry. It becomes a compulsive habit over which you have no control, but the worrying makes you feel more anxious.'·       The first step to understanding your own anxiety is simply mapping your own habit loops/ What kind of situations trigger anxiety or other difficult feelings? ·       Which behaviours has your brain learned to respond as a way to soothe or distract you?·       What is the result of those behaviours?'When you get into an anxiety loop use:RAIN:Recognise difficult feelings.Accept them and allow them to be there.Investigate the sensations in your body and emotions bubbling up.Note what’s going on, and simply observe yourself out of curiosity.Resources:https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/23/health/mental-health-crisis-teens.htmlhttps://www.forbes.com/sites/williamhaseltine/2021/08/25/depression-and-anxiety-double-in-youth-compared-to-pre-pandemic/?sh=22e0bfb2139fhttps://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/feeling-anxious-dont-worry-its-good-for-you-s70jvtdbxhttps://childmind.org/teenagersuntangled.substack.comSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk