He’ll have to go & other tales

Episode three of Season Eight sees Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective back in the studio for more chaos, coat chat, and questionable decision-making. First: a “guilty and apologetic teacher” (aka Mr Schneebly) reveals how one forgotten gold-plated anniversary pen — and a suit-jacket mix-up mid-interview — may have cost another candidate their dream job… and accidentally won him his. Then Paula takes us to early-90s LA with the “naughty nannies” and a drunken trouser swap that leaves one poor bloke stranded in a loo, later raging for his “pants”. Plus: Sid’s rubber cobra prank on Nan, and James’ local radio “hero” surprise that goes catastrophically wrong in the rain. Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another fresh batch of confessions.Alf takes us to South Africa’s “Valley of a Thousand Hills” for a bit of teenage snake-hunting that ends with a biology master going absolutely white. Boomslang, anyone?Rose fights back against a scamp wrecking the ladies’ loo… with a “grown-ups” magazine placed at eye level, and one very memorable yelp.Plus: a Swiss bake sale accidentally becomes an open bar, and Bob the double bass player recounts 1976 Romania — jeans, Pink Floyd, broken windows, and an international pillow fight.Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Holy Collective as Season Eight kicks off — minus Brother Matt, who’s apparently busy in his orangery.First up, a “medical emergency” on a quiet Oxfordshire B-road turns into yet another in-progress game of Cluedo… complete with a horn, a thumbs up, and a very hasty getaway.Then Rob hides in the back of the “wrong” VW Beetle outside a chippy and nearly causes a bus-worthy disaster.Plus: an RAF Hercules engine test blows a captain off his bike, and a Costa Rican orange-knee tarantula prank sparks police panic and a South Wales Echo headline.Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for cassette-tape sabotage, 80s vanity, and a honeymoon story you can’t un-hear. “Timothy” takes revenge on late-night Madonna singalongs by planting a whispered haunting on a Like a Virgin cassette… with consequences that end in a smashed stereo and a house move. Felicity discovers her mulleted boyfriend is “playing Cluedo” and delivers a tiny contact-lens payback before dumping him for good. Plus: Donald’s RAF “orange goo” disaster melts a visitor’s jacket, and Hilary’s Rome honeymoon scallops lead to an unfortunate bidet-towel incident. Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Holy collective. We start with a World Cup watch party that turns into the most awkward buffet raid imaginable..Storm Doris exposes “mum and dad time” evidence. Sarah “borrows” her brother’s badly behaved dog on Brancaster beach and denies everything. And we finish with Herb's show off moment, that causes chaos in a local village.Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another “Confessions from the Crypt” special — lock the doors and grab your torch.Maria Callas (from Middlesbrough, obviously) reveals how a snowbound dash for the only train to London ended with her welded to Eric Cantona’s chest… Then one anonymous parent admits to a decade-long lie involving their daughter and a microchip.Plus: a birdwatcher’s woodland wee gets captured by a badger camera, and “Brian” accidentally soundtracks a neighbour’s paperwork with some very loud Cluedo.Want your confession on the next podcast - [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for 80s burger-van feuds, a keyboard prank that goes wildly “professional”, and a revenge plot involving five pounds of fish and three pints of maggots.Ellie relives a small-town grudge match, a school-disco “sex god”, and the moment her arch enemy gets sacked while she keeps very quiet about the free burgers.Plus: Wifey swaps her husband’s keyboard dongles and accidentally broadcasts his online obsession to a colleague.Tony tackles his wife during a rugby lesson (then hits McDonald’s). Then Johnny in the Rockies serves up a Thailand cheating scandal… and may have posted the evidence through the wrong letterbox.Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for RAF police “Batmobile” patrols that terrorise midnight Cluedo players… and accidentally spotlight the boss.Max relives a 1989 traffic jam, a suspiciously wide-necked Apple-Aid bottle, and a lay-by moment that ends with an unfortunate “gift” for a grateful hitchhiker.Then Jani’s missing neon tetra is found in the worst possible place. Plus: Colin the Carpet Criminal blames silverfish after a DIY electrics plan tears up a brand-new carpet. Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for sibling “rugby practice” that ends in A&E, a holiday comeback that goes painfully wrong, a Dolly Parton impression and a truly grim Vaseline mix-up.Nick relives 1984: a beanbag tackle bag, a perfectly executed “chop tackle”, and a sister’s head meeting a handmade doll’s house — followed by a bunk-bed cover story… and stolen cola cubes.Plus: Stephanie tries to thunderstrike her prankster husband, Mr Lloyd double-dips, and Dave’s Dolly Parton watermelon routine has terrible consequences.Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Collective for exam cheating in a lucky jumper, a welding lesson that goes catastrophically… south, and a nursing “snapshot” you may not want to hear while eating. First, Homer admits to a very 70s kind of malpractice: smuggling fully-loaded notes into a final exam on official paper and somehow ending up a headteacher. Then apprentice welder Steve hands a gas torch to a hoity-toity naval officer who won’t do her jacket up — cue molten metal, bedlam, and a breakdancing stripper moment. Plus: Emma’s 80s Saturday job prank with “party poppers”, and Susan’s slippery suppository nightmare… Got a confession? [email protected]