87. You Are Not Needy, You Have Needs

Today, JJ and Kata share their journey from non-anchor to anchor partners. Kata opens up about how a betrayal in a previous relationship made her feel more activated by non-monogamy, and offers practical tools for finding your way back to a sense of safety and emotional regulation when your partner is on a date.Resources mentioned:Ep.72 with JJhttps://www.polycurious.com/podcast2/ep72Connect with Kata:https://www.instagram.com/katarina.warras/https://www.katarinawarras.com/Tantra retreats:https://lalunafamily.com/retreats/https://ista.life/⁠Subscribe to Polycurious on Spotify⁠⁠:https://members.spotify.com/to/polycurious⁠⁠Subscribe to Polycurious on Patreon⁠⁠:https://www.patreon.com/c/PolycuriousStruggling with Non-monogamy? ⁠⁠Book a free exploratory call for coaching here⁠⁠:https://www.polycurious.com/coaching

Today, Ross and Eden, tantra practitioners, intimacy and relationship coaches, and community builders, share how they evolved from a very polyamorous dating life to a relationship that still leaves room for openness while honoring their nervous systems, emotional capacity, and desire to focus on each other.We talk about:How to distinguish between a partner limiting your freedom out of judgment or control and a reasonable request to slow down while they work through their insecurities.The consequences of pursuing relationships that don’t align with what you truly want in a primary partnership, both for yourself and for the people you date.Why and how Ross and Eden designed a relationship in which they mostly date and play together, with occasional “hall passes” that let them explore separately three or four times a year.Listen to Ross and Eden's bonus content on their open phone policy and approach to hierarchy: https://open.spotify.com/episode/58n8FiiFxtGwVRgTByGxAi?si=pNOZfQZaQhid8s44L-ryyAConnect with Ross and EdenEden's IG: https://www.instagram.com/embodiedwitheden/Ross' IG: https://www.instagram.com/embodi.men/Sacred Society: https://sacredsocietyproject.com/Embodimen: https://try.embodimen.com/Temple of Eden: https://linktr.ee/TempleofEden⁠Subscribe to Polycurious on Spotify⁠:https://members.spotify.com/to/polycurious⁠Subscribe to Polycurious on Patreon⁠:https://www.patreon.com/c/PolycuriousStruggling with Non-monogamy? ⁠Book a free exploratory call for coaching here⁠:https://www.polycurious.com/coaching

Today I share my thoughts about The Invite, a movie about a married couple who invite their neighbors over for dinner. Things are awkward from the start, but they get even more awkward, funny, and real when an unexpected invitation to explore non-monogamy comes up.The Invite is directed by Olivia Wilde, who also stars in it with Seth Rogen, Penélope Cruz, and Edward Norton. It's a surprisingly real and nuance look at relationships.Resources mentioned:Chill Polyamory's Review of the Invite:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xvcdm5hsFtoSubscribe to Polycurious on Spotify:https://members.spotify.com/to/polycuriousSubscribe to Polycurious on Patreon:https://www.patreon.com/c/PolycuriousStruggling with Non-monogamy? Book a free exploratory call for coaching here:https://www.polycurious.com/coaching

Sarah Stroh talks about her book, Monogamaybe, her process coming to terms with her non-monogamous identity and finding a partner who supported her in that journey. We discuss how to manage and process jealousy and what agreements look like in non-monogamy when you want to be your best poly self but the reality is you’re struggling. Resourced mentioned:Sarah's bonus episode on Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/episode/2Knenv8lsQpqdXo57e9ZJ8?si=dEnFvBDDQmKjSQJMJRzA-gSarah's bonus episode on Patreon:https://www.patreon.com/Polycurious/posts/dating-as-new-ep-171433818Ep.45 Poly and Pregnant with Sarah Stroh⁠https://www.polycurious.com/podcast/ep45Sarah's book Monogamaybe? : Honest advice on navigating relationships from monogamy to polyamory:https://www.monogamish.me/pages/monogamaybeWhen Jealousy Shows Up (Sarah's 12 min video guide):https://www.monogamish.me/courses/hack-your-jealousyPolycurious' Jealousy Survival Guide: https://www.polycurious.com/resourcesFollow Sarah on IG:https://www.instagram.com/monogamish_me/Subscribe to Sarah's Substack:https://substack.com/@monogamishFollow Polycurious on IG:https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast/Subscribe to Polycurious on Spotify⁠:https://members.spotify.com/to/polycurious⁠Subscribe to Polycurious on Patreon⁠:https://www.patreon.com/c/Polycurious

Natalie Davis, author of the memoir Saying Yes: My Adventures in Polyamory, shares her journey into polyamory, from opening up her marriage in her 40s after her husband’s infidelity to navigating living with her metamours.Natalie also opens up about the end of a decade long relationship after her partner began dating someone new and could no longer offer her the kind of relationship she wanted. She reflects on what she’s learned about letting go when a relationship no longer works for you.Resources MentionedCheck out Natalie’s book:https://www.amazon.com/Saying-Yes-My-Adventures-Polyamory/dp/1510784497/ref=sr_1_1?crid=JEYQUH4XM8HM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9._tsLaAlh__BGiuGLnZJLiw.JX2srBOBjj6OyQxCQ153pHkVP0TiswCxul7POet7l2U&dib_tag=se&keywords=saying+yes+my+adventures+in+polyamory&qid=1750961117&s=books&sprefix=saying+yes+my+adventures+in+polyamory%2Cstripbooks%2C62&sr=1-1Learn more about OPEN:https://www.open-love.org/Ep.59 with Adam, author of “Seek the Risk”https://www.polycurious.com/podcast/ep59Ep.46 with Molly Roden Winter, author of “More”: https://www.polycurious.com/podcast/ep46Book a free exploratory call with me⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://calendly.com/fernandafabian/30minFollow Polycurious and Join Our CommunityJoin our Whatsapp community⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.polycurious.com/communityFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast?igshid=1mrwl69kdbtasFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tik Tok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.tiktok.com/@polycurious

Cat, Natalie, and Joshua from The Kink Collective talk about their experience building a triad.We talk about honesty and transparency in non monogamy, especially when telling the full truth feels scary because you’re worried about your partner’s reaction, and what happens when you struggle to trust a partner who isn’t fully transparent.Natalie also shares her experience entering an established relationship, navigating Joshua’s other partners, and realizing she sometimes compared Cat to her own mom because of their significant age difference.Finally, we talk about letting go of expectations about what a relationship is “supposed” to look like and allowing their triad to develop organically.Resourced mentioned:The Kink Collective Website: https://kinkcollective.net/Book a free exploratory call with me⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://calendly.com/fernandafabian/30minJoin our Whatsapp community⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.polycurious.com/communityFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast?igshid=1mrwl69kdbtasFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tik Tok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.tiktok.com/@polycurious

When Courtney proposed opening their marriage on their 17th anniversary, their relationship was struggling. Nate was a devoted father and provider, but he had become emotionally distant. Courtney’s proposal was initially met with anger, judgment, and fears that she was trying to replace him.Through therapy, difficult conversations, and learning to sit with jealousy instead of trying to fix it, Nate gradually came to understand that Courtney’s desire for non-monogamy wasn’t a rejection of him, it was part of who she is.As Courtney began dating, Nate saw her become happier, more present, and more connected to their family. At the same time, he worked on himself and became the partner Courtney had been missing.Today, more than two decades into their marriage, Courtney and Nate have built a mono-poly relationship that works for them. In this episode, they share what it took to get there.Resources mentioned:Bonus ep.81 on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0gQfpMLtNwt6lHBskEhEoJ?si=846f1b613a1e49e6On Patreon:https://www.patreon.com/Polycurious/posts/getting-over-ask-167701931The Mono-Poly Couple YouTube channel:https://www.youtube.com/@TheMonoPolyCoupleCourtney's website (coaching, books, retreats):www.courtneyboyercoaching.com/Their Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/themonopolycouple/Polycurious ep.80 How To Process Jealousy and Difficult Emotions:https://open.spotify.com/episode/7CtSRE2pLUVQDldirevmT8?si=77aacf23ba004382Jealousy Survival Guide:https://www.polycurious.com/resources⁠Join My Patreon⁠⁠:https://www.patreon.com/c/PolycuriousBook a free exploratory call with me⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://calendly.com/fernandafabian/30minJoin our Whatsapp community⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.polycurious.com/communityFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast?igshid=1mrwl69kdbtasFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tik Tok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.tiktok.com/@polycurious

In this special episode, I'm sharing a live recording from Open to Open, a panel discussion I joined in Denver hosted by coaches Bella Schauer and Booster Blake. We share our personal experiences and answer questions about New Relationship Energy, honesty, repair after conflict, and boundaries, Resources mentioned:Couple's Fall Retreat info:https://www.bella-paints.com/retreatsBella's email:[email protected] episode with Jessica Esfandiary:https://www.polycurious.com/podcast/ep35My episode with Bella & Patrick:https://www.polycurious.com/podcast2/ep76My episode with Seth:https://www.polycurious.com/podcast/ep12Paul's harmony card:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OAYSWfsjuhOzXoZ9KLargqVlzu6QCssY/view?usp=sharingConnect with meJoin my Patreon here:https://www.patreon.com/c/PolycuriousBook a free exploratory call with me⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://calendly.com/fernandafabian/30minJoin our Whatsapp community⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.polycurious.com/communityFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast?igshid=1mrwl69kdbtasFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tik Tok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.tiktok.com/@polycurious

In this solo episode, I'm sharing the emotional processing tool that's completely changed the way I handle difficult emotions. It's called RAIN, and while I didn't create it (it was popularized by meditation teacher Tara Brach), I've adapted it over the years for myself and my coaching clients. It's become one of the most effective ways I know to work through jealousy, calm my nervous system, and show up to difficult conversations feeling grounded instead of reactive.R - Recognize Name the emotion (shame, fear, sadness, worry, etc.)A - Allow Let the feeling move through your body. Focus on the sensations. Sit or lay down, close your eyes and breathe. It will feel uncomfortable, allow those feelings to come into your body. Ideally at least 20 min. I - Investigate With compassion, ask yourself why you might be feeling that way. How might your past experiences play a role? What’s the lesson there? What do you need?N – Nurture Think of what you’d tell a friend if they came to you with your concerns. Tell that to yourself, providing support, love and compassion you need. Give yourself a hug. If you can, do something you think will make you feel better (take a bath, call a friend, journal, exercise etc.)Resources mentioned:Jealousy Survival Guidehttps://www.polycurious.com/resourcesMore on RAIN:Tara Brach's podcastAudiobook ⁠Breathwork Exercise⁠ I'd recommend you listen to this, as it's a good explanation of how focusing on your body interrupts the thoughts (helpful for the allow part)Book a free exploratory call with me⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://calendly.com/fernandafabian/30minJoin our Whatsapp community⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.polycurious.com/communityFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast?igshid=1mrwl69kdbtasFollow Polycurious on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tik Tok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠:https://www.tiktok.com/@polycurious

What We CoverHow to know if your relationship is readyWhat to expect: jealousy, guilt & imbalanceCommon mistakes to avoidWhy you should move at the pace of the slowest partnerHow to handle jealousy Jealousy is normal and workableCommunication is everything: don't bring up issues in the moment unless absolutely neccesaryGo slow, but keep movingQuestions To Discuss When Opening Up Your Relationship Patreon: What To Do When Your Partner is On a Date (goes over RAIN exercise for jealousy) Ep. 48 Don't Ask Don't Tell But DifferentWant more support?Reach out for coaching at [email protected] 💌