Ep 33: Enough

We have a great start to 2018. Fireworks on New Year’s Eve. You and me, and thousands of Canberrans by the lake on a perfect summer’s evening. Life is in control. I have a grant to write a book, Wondery wants the podcast to continue, advertisers are keen, listeners seem keen. I thought I was just about done, but all this has me feeling optimistic. You’re reaching new levels of autonomy, independence, with thoughts, interests and a whole world opening up that has nothing to do with me. You challenge me, you question me, sometimes you know things I don’t know. You have a point of view. You always did in a way, but somehow this is new.  Childcare and preschool have prepared you (and me) for Kindergarten. You’re ready. For now, school is exactly where you want to be.I’m at crossroads again. I’ve been heading for it for a while. I need to make a change. I need to finish writing the book. I’ve said most of what I wanted to say in our podcast. I’ve spent almost three years making 34 episodes, it’s almost 16 hours. Our lives as stories, for me, for our family, for all people who chose to listen, but most of all for you. It’s yours Astrid, forever, with all my love. You’re an autonomous person now. It’s time to let you be the custodian of your own story. This is the end of season two. It is time to stop. I predict one or two stray episodes in the future when there’s something worth saying, but more or less, this is it. There won’t be a season three.If this was fiction, we’d have a big ending. Something life-changing. But this isn’t fiction. This isn’t the future. This is real life. This is now.Instead I’ll end with something I can control. This occasion deserves a party!This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thank you family and friends for letting me share your stories and for all your support. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Charge Into 2015, The Time To Run andThe Stars Are Out (Interlude) by Dexter Britain, Tam8+ei4 by LJ Kruzer and Spellbound by Broke For Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, to get in touch and join the e-newsletter to hear what we’re up to.I will miss all you listeners. Some have become real world friends, and many more feel like friends to me. I have been so deeply touched my your emails, reviews, voice messages and by your donations. I truely will treasure your words for the rest of my life. I think we both will. And you can know we’re both here, figuring things out, adapting our priorities, sometimes struggling, sometimes succeeding, just living life. Don’t worry, we’re still here in real life. If you’d like to send a one-off donation, go to www.paypal.me/notbyaccident. Thank you so much you amazing people who have supported us on Patreon! Julie Greb, Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir, Cynthia Madia and more.Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, For a total of $60 off, that’s $20 off your first 3 boxes, visit hellofresh.com/accident60 and enter accident60.Thank you so much for listening.

I never thought it was ideal being a two person family. There’s not somebody obvious for you to turn to when I let you down. It’s a lot of pressure, for both of us, forever I suppose. If I keep being single as I age and you grow up, I’m afraid you’ll feel responsible for me. That you have to put off things in your own life to be here for me. I want you to do what you want to do, to live in another city, or country, to make choices for you, to have an interesting life. I don’t want you to be burdened or worried or responsible for me. But because I’m an older mother, a geriatric mother, a single mother, and because you’re my only child, I’m afraid you will. I thought maybe I’d have another baby. I thought I’d reserve some samples from your donor so you’d be full biological siblings. I intended to reserve some. It never even occurred to me to freeze my eggs to buy more time. Life was more expensive. I never had money to spare. It was always in the back of my mind, the reservation. I could have prioritised it. I’m sure I could have. But I didn’t.Sometimes decisions are taken out of your hands. You apply for something and others make the decision on whether you can have it. You aspire to something, work towards it, but lack of money or time, or health, or privilege, or luck keep it out of reach. Sometimes you just don’t quite make a decision, and realise one day that you no longer have a choice. This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thank you family and friends for letting me share your stories. Extra thanks for letting me record, Adelin, Caroline, Lauren, and of course Astrid. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: One And and Spellbound by Broke For Free. By permission from the artist: You, You’ll be Waiting by Baby Blue. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Thank you so much you amazing people who support us on Patreon! Julie Greb, Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir, Cynthia Madia and more.If you’d like to send a one-off donation, go to www.paypal.me/notbyaccident.  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, For a total of $60 off, that’s $20 off your first 3 boxes, visit hellofresh.com/accident60 and enter accident60.We’ll be back with the next instalment, the end of season two, in about 4 weeks.

We’re watching Mimi’s bridal waltz, lit by the sunset’s golden glow in a retro-opulent ballroom, filled with love. I have a huge lump in my throat. I can’t quite believe we’re here, for this moment, for Michael and Antonia, young lovers who lost touch for years, then found each other again, and somehow found themselves. They seem as filled with joy as it’s possible to be. And I am too, as I look around the table at our closest friends from Denmark who we left a year ago, reunited, as if geography is nothing and the bonds of friendship are everything. I glance out at golden Manhattan across the East River, as I squeeze you on my lap, my little companion, and my depletion is filled up. By this city, this adventure, these people, this wedding, by all this love and by you.There have been obstacles getting here. I needed help with the money. And travel with a kid is hard. I haven’t been able to control everything. Sleep is a battle, with jet lag and adrenalin pushing us further and further out of sync. But amongst logistical headaches, so many moments have been magical, since we left Canberra on last week’s pre-dawn flight. This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Dear patreon supporters, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the ongoing support. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to Michael and Antonia, Steen, Ana, Jim, Anne and the boys, to my biggest nephew Sebastian, and especially to you Astrid, for letting me share your stories. Music from the wedding (invoking Fair Use) That’s Amore by Dean Martin, New York New York by Frank Sinatra, Ave Maria by Bach/Gounod, Get Ready by The Temptations, You Send Me by Sam Cooke, Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

It's May 2016. The podcast is taking off. Astrid's new cousin is due next month! And I can't decide if we should ignore the fact that we are broke and somehow find a way to go to New York for Mimi's wedding, for a reunion with our friends from Denmark one year on, while Astrid still remembers them.Time has turned in on itself. These events of mid 2016 might feel familiar, though context has changed. The series has become a mobius strip. This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster. Thanks to my family and friends for being part of the story, and especially to Astrid.  Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Weathered Home 3:Bird Split Sky by Candlegravity, Sound Merchant by simon_mathewson and Readers! Do You Read? by Chris Zabriskie.  Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Sponsors care/of: US listeners, for 25% off your first month of personalized care/of vitamins, visit takecareof.com and enter code ACCIDENT.Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

I get to work on too many ideas. I’m going to work for myself. That’s decided. I register as a business, open a bank account, brainstorm plans, buy three web domains. There are a lot of things I want to do. I’ll be a freelancer, teaching, video production, maybe other things, but not too much. I can’t be swamped because there’s more. I’ll start an online documentary school. I’ll write some books. I know what I want to write. I’m itching to start. And I have three podcast ideas. Cooking with my mum, documentary filmmaker conversations, and our story. I want to do them all!I have to pick a place to start and our podcast is the one closest to my heart. I try to turn down the volume on all my screaming ideas and to concentrate. Since 2011 I’ve recorded clips from my life, from our lives, with the hope that one day I could use them to tell the story of becoming a single mother by choice. I’ve been writing little passages in my head for years. I have 300 audio clips, about 200 hours. I listen, I trim, I take notes, I double the speed. Days pass like this. It’s going to take forever. Sometimes it feels voyeuristic. Peering into a past life. One I’d partially forgotten, as if it’s someone else’s. I pick a date. I announce the series. Now I can’t back out. This is happening.   This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to my family and friends for being part of the story, and especially to Astrid. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Charge Into 2015 by Dexter Britain, Eutrophic by Mystery Mammal and Ennui by Lee Rosevere. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’dlike to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

A special episode of Not By Accident for kids! It's a child- appropriate recap of Astrid's story, at her request and with her involvement. The first part is about when she was little. The second part is about life now that she's big. This production is made by Astrid Harper and Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners.  Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:The Time to Run (Finale) by Dexter Britain, Readers! Do You Read?And Dividerby Chris Zabriskie and Something Elated by Broke for Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Oceanby Broke For Free. Hello Fresh:For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.comand enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’dlike to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. 

We’re trying to create a home, but I have things to sort out. The detritus of my life is in storage units and suburban garages. The belongings I packed away as one life stage ended and a new one began; they’re spread around. It makes me feel uneasy. Summer is upon us, our Danish shipment has settled into our new apartment, and I feel ready at last to consolidate. Ready to re-contextualise myself, in my own life story. As you try to contextualize yourself, and our little family that looks different to the ones you see around you. And find your place in our wider family. I have a storage container in Sydney. I moved to Denmark with two boxes and two suitcases. Shipping the rest didn’t make sense. As years passed, with the monthly direct debits adding up, I wished I wasn’t so sentimental. I wished I’d let go from the start! I try not to think about the money, I’ve come this far. I spend another thousand dollars having it brought to Canberra in a truck, the big pieces, the small pieces.  It’s a time capsule of my Sydney life. These are the things I spent years collecting, that made me feel like me. I’m back in Surry Hills, in my street, in my tiny terrace house that I loved so much. The memories flood back and it all feels so strange. Once it’s assimilated, there’s more to take care of. My parents broke up when I was 15. It’s not a particularly unusual story. It was a shock. It took time to get over. The family home went up for sale. I packed up my bedroom, my childhood, and put it away. It all went off to my Dad’s new garage. We rediscover treasures, shed what we don’t need or want, we consolidate. I pack some new boxes: For Astrid age 5, For Astrid age 6, For Astrid age 7. For when you’re ready. A childhood of memories, in boxes, for the next generation.  This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Starling by Lee Rosevere, Think On It by Ian Sutherland and Spellbound by Broke for Free. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.Sponsors:RXBar Kids: Go to rxbar.com/accident & enter code accident at checkout for 25% off your first orderHello Fresh: For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting me on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.  Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. Astrid has asked for something special as a belated 5th birthday present: a podcast episode that’s not boring, for adults. Her story, made for her, with her, for now. So in four weeks, we’ll be back with something a bit different. A special episode of Not By Accident, for kids.  

It’s August 2015. We’ve just moved back to Australia from Denmark and it’s strange. You’re ultra-sensitive, fearful, clingy, easily brought to tears. I probably am too. It’s been like this for months with all the change and uncertainty. I’ve hardly told anyone we’re coming. Only the family. I don’t know what’s next for us, I don’t feel particularly proud of myself, being newly unemployed, and I’m so full of questions and big emotions that I don’t feel like socializing. I just need quiet. We surround ourselves with our family, your cousins who you can’t get enough of, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, to help us find our feet. But I feel a sense of urgency. I need to find a new home, new childcare, new work, new routines, so you feel secure again, as quickly as possible. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and by my family, my friends and my daughter. Story Editing by Michelle Webster. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:They Wait by Lee Rosevere and Too Far Away by Ian Sutherland.Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. Sponsored by Hello Fresh.US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting me on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. We’ll be back with the next instalment in 4 weeks.

It’s September 2017. I’ve been feeling recently that it’s important for you understand more of who I am. You see me as a mother, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a podcaster, a writer. But I’m also a lesbian. You’ve always known, I’ve always told you that if I fall in love one day it will be with a woman. That you won’t ever have a Dad, but maybe one day, if things work out that way, you’ll have two mums. But it’s been abstract for you until now. You’ve only ever had a single mother. I haven't been on a date in your lifetime. It’s become abstract for me too. I miss that part of my identity sometimes, being involved in that community, but I’ve been so caught up with motherhood and work and establishing life in our new home that I’ve put it aside. For later.But maybe later is now. The decade long fight for marriage equality in Australia has finally come to a head. The government, hampered by their own factions, has decided to ask the people once and for all: “Should the law be changed to allow same-sex couples to marry? Yes/No.” A one question postal survey, for all voting age Australians. Just tick a box and send it back. There’s no putting it aside now.This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and by my family, my friends and my daughter.Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Passages by Kai Engel and Sunsets and Shitty Cars by Ian Sutherland.Incidental music by Chic, Sister Sledge, John Paul Young and Bette Midler. Clips from 7.30 and Insiders, ABC TV Australia. (invoking Fair Use)Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. Sponsors:RXBar Kids: Go to rxbar.com/accident & enter code accident at checkout for 25% off your first orderHello Fresh: For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com and enter code ACCIDENT30 Thank you kind people supporting me on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch. We’ll be back with the next instalment in 4 weeks.From our family to yours, Happy New Year!

It’s Spring, 2015. Half your life ago. My six years teaching at the European Film College begin the limp to an anti-climactic end. I try to stay focused. But my main focus is you. The upheaval I’m causing. The reasons for doing it. You’re two and a half. I’m taking you home to our family, our culture, but I’m taking you away from the life, the home, the language, the community that make up your world.Once work wraps up we have some quiet weeks left to pack up our lives. I take you to Trine’s each day, to childcare, and I pack boxes, I write job applications, and I sort out the car with Steen’s help, servicing, detailing and re-registering it, ready for sale.The removalists come while you’re at Trine’s and take all our things away. I tell you they’ve gone to MorMor’s house, that’s what you call Granny, and that we’re going there too. You seem to cope with that. The shipping will take three months if all goes well. You’ll have outgrown half your clothes by then! You’ll miss your bike, your toys, the stereo. We’re left with the school’s basic furniture, two suitcases filled with summer clothes for here and winter clothes for home, a trainset Jim dropped over to ease your toy separation, and a big echoey apartment.You’ve been with Trine five days a week for most of your life. She might be the person you’re closest to after me. This is your last day. I leave my recorder with her. I want to hear you speaking Danish. At this point your Danish is probably better than mine and I know you’ll lose it when we leave. She opens a window into the life you have without me.I’ve made the decision to leave based on what you’ll gain, but I’m painfully aware of everything you’re losing.Farvel Danmark. Tusind tak for alt.This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:Memory by Creo, Last Night in London by Daniel Birch and Completely Lost by Lee Rosevere.Incidental music by Justine Clarke and Bjork (invoking Fair Use).Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.I have some news. I’ve been awarded a grant to write a book! A literary memoir of our story. My plan, for now, is to release one new episode a month as I divide my time between the book and the podcast. Thanks for sticking with me.Thanks especially to the kind people supporting me on Patreon: Margaret P. Jones, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.We’ll be back with the next installment in about 4 weeks.