Movie Virgins

Man, that Jesse’s a dick. But he does, indeed, have the ingredients. Here we speak on the legendary legend and cold reality of Jesse James. We’ve got strong feels that casting Brad Pitt (MO boy) as Jesse James (MO boy) was a good move. And we’re loving Casey Affleck as Bob Ford. Furthermore, let us not overlook Casey’s beautiful glass skin, my brothers and sisters. HIS SKIN. We hit on a few burning questions: Do they even make outlaws like they used to? Do you brush your teeth nekkid? A blumpkin in the privy?! Tangents include fun Hollywood couples, Chris Rock’s orgasms, and vabbing. And…Snaturals(TM) are born!

All hail our favorite scream queen, Justin Long! We watched Zach Cregger’s Barbarian, and it’s a damn delight. We dive directly into the continuum of depravity, with detours through Nazi atrocities and Kevin Smith’s Tusk. We talk STL vs Detroit via their Wikipedias. We offer some potentially incredible double-feature pairings with Barbarian & Love in the Villa and Schindler’s List & Tusk. And we say unto ye: Man cannot live by titty milk alone.

Today we have for you Disney’s latest IP regurge served with a generous helping of the tasty original-recipe masterpiece, 1993’s Hocus Pocus. Make sure to pour one out for the days when witches were inhuman bitches without sloppily crafted backstories. And for dessert, try one of our delicious candy apples from Sandy’s Candy Cauldron! After-dinner cigars and brandy come with a complimentary history of apple bobbing. Enjoy!

Harrison Ford vs Tommy Lee Jones vs Big Pharma! This iconic 90s action movie is so 90s with lots of 90s stuff (*cough* Sela Ward *cough*) happening. That said, is it just your basic white male fantasy about a husband who may or may not have killed his wife a la The Staircase? Tangents include Miles Teller, the truth about hair dye, the probability that Lindsey’s dad fucked an alien (SPOILER ALERT: incredibly high odds), and what Tommy Lee must look like under those clothes.

Listen as Lindsey recalls her first encounter with the Predator at the tender age of six. Leah speaks of her experience with AVP, the union of two great franchises. We discuss the Predator as allegory for white man’s manifest destiny and the rape of the natural world. And we ask: What are the rules of the Predator? Does the Predator fuck? (It definitely fucks.) Tangents include sexy aliens vs realistic aliens and our great expectations for sci-fi series and film. Full disclosure: We have worked with the Predator. Great dude. Struggles with the typing.

From the living room rug, Lindsey “Hand Banger” Schaefer and Leah “Lying Shit Mouth” Bross bring you Ocean’s Eleven!* In this episode we ask: Is this remake of a classic a classic? Or is it just a popcorn movie dressed up real nice? Where do we stand on George Clooney: fuck-boy-dickhead or sexy Hollywood pig owner? (This is, of course, a very personal choice that every woman must make for herself.) Lindsey takes us way, way, way back with plenty of 90s TV refs, including Picket Fences, ER, and Sisters. And we have lots of thoughts about the love story in this film because what the ever-loving fuck?! This episode is dedicated to Ray Liotta and James Caan. We love them forever. *Leah “cheated” in the fog of winter and watched this movie. She didn’t recall it until now because her memory is fuuuuuuuucked.

How do we love Mr. Eggers and his coming-of-age tales? Let us count the ways…. We’re quite taken by the deliciously violent story of Amleth, as well as the kinda historically accurate portrayal of a flatulent Viking teen under the influence of psychedelics. We discuss the mystery of the butthole disk and the dream of an Eggers-Aster collab. And we debate the best use of period blood in a film. But really there are no bad uses of period blood. Ever. Alas, we were challenged by the pronunciations of most of the names in this film. Forgive us.

Welcome to another VERY SPECIAL EPISODE. And please excuse us while we have a moment…a Josh Brolin moment! We discuss this timeless story written by Cormac McCarthy, as told by the Coen brothers, and in which that dingus kid from Cheers makes good (until he doesn’t). Tangents include Outer Range, baby Caleb Landry Jones, sociopaths, Danny McBride, and a brief appearance by a hilarious Letterboxd review that Lindsey doesn’t understand.

We're so sad. We're so fucked up…about how little we know about sports betting. But we're really stoked about Adam Sandler's performance in this--hear us out--delightful little rom-com portraying the dangers of gambling addiction. We would die for that Furby! And we're kinda obsessed with Julia Fox the podcaster. Extreme Julia Fox voice: I mean, Lindsey was Leah's muse for this episode about Uncah Jahms.

Give us the dex! So…why are we here? We're here because of Lindsey's weird obsession with this too-long Y2K action flick about summiting K2. Lindsey explores her mountain-climbing dreams; Leah explores her dreams of climbing Chris O'Donnell. And then, much like in the movie, there's lots of heavy breathing and absolutely zero sex. Because, unfortunately for all of us, there's no sex in the death zone.