This Plane Is Exceptionally Horny | Ep 126

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ Qualls and Kelly Blackheart, DJ and Kelly start with the important questions: Is LA dining actually a scam? Why are people spending $22 on Erewhon smoothies? And why does losing weight require your body to betray you in precisely the wrong order? DJ prepares for an extended trip to Vancouver, reveals the consequences of taking entirely too much magnesium, and shows Kelly the nearly 300-year-old Chinese plate he's donating to a charity auction. Somehow, this leads naturally to J. Paul Getty, trickle-down economics, and politics. Then the conversation turns serious as Kelly and DJ discuss the allegations surrounding the Cornell sexual-assault case, the institutional response to sexual violence on college campuses, victim blaming, and why a survivor's behavior after an assault doesn't determine whether the assault happened. They also get into the latest political circus surrounding Jack Smith before discovering a potentially lucrative new business model: if you hate the podcast, pay them to read your insult on the air. They'll apparently also consider breaking up with someone for you. Pricing TBD. Join DJ and Kelly for another episode of comedy, culture, politics, personal stories, and whatever the hell happens when these two try to have a normal conversation. CHAPTERS 00:00 — Feminine Rage & DJ's Stomach Problems 02:56 — Is LA Dining a Scam? 05:23 — DJ's Search for the Perfect Pizza 05:47 — The War Against Belly Fat 07:47 — American Healthcare vs. Just Flying to Canada 09:01 — “I Go to the Doctor All the Time. Look at My Face.” 09:27 — DJ's Magnesium Mistake 11:10 — The 300-Year-Old Plate 14:35 — Screw You, Getty Center 16:03 — Rich People & Trickle-Down Economics 17:38 — Cornell & Sexual Assault on College Campuses 25:24 — DJ's Extensive Alcohol “Market Research” 27:15 — Why Talking About This Matters 31:38 — The Jack Smith Senate Clown Show 38:49 — “The Only Thing You Can Buy Is the Lies” 39:16 — Surviving Terrible Things With Stupid Jokes 40:00 — Pay Us to Read Your Hate Mail 41:12 — Want Us to Break Up With Someone? Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

DJ has been designing bathrooms, Kelly is manifesting a Costco door, and somehow this leads directly into a discussion about a United Airlines passenger allegedly masturbating next to another passenger—and DJ immediately begins investigating the legal loopholes. Then it’s time for another edition of DJ & Kelly at the Movies. This week: Resident Evil gets high marks, 4D snow changes the theatrical experience, DJ explains his profound hatred of tentacles, and a discussion about Austin Abrams sends DJ into a full anti-method-acting manifesto. Next up is The Weight, featuring Ethan Hawke, Russell Crowe, an inexplicably well-equipped woman in the wilderness, and the realization that Regal Unlimited is exactly how you discover movies you otherwise never would have seen. Also: internet problems briefly remove Kelly from her own podcast, leaving DJ alone long enough to perform Frozen from memory despite never having seen it. 00:00 DJ's Actor Warm-Ups 01:02 DJ Finally Watched Anchorman 02:04 Purple Drink vs. Yellow Drink 03:10 DJ Becomes a Home Renovator 06:03 Kelly's Dream House & the Costco Door 09:12 Is the House Next Door a Front? 10:09 DJ Completely Stops Listening 10:34 The Least Sexy Sex Show in Amsterdam 12:25 United's Airplane Masturbation Problem 12:58 DJ Finds a Business Opportunity 13:23 Sodom, Gomorrah & Airline Policy 14:16 Is It Illegal Under a Blanket? 14:44 "The Man Is Innocent" 16:10 DJ vs. American Airlines 17:53 AD BREAK 18:01 DJ & Kelly at the Movies 19:10 Resident Evil Review 20:31 "DoorDash From Hell" 21:24 What Worked — and DJ Hates Tentacles 23:24 Austin Abrams & Method Acting 24:59 DJ Declares War on Method Actors 27:37 Why Resident Evil Works 29:13 The 4D Movie Experience 30:53 Kelly's Internet Dies 31:11 DJ Performs Frozen 33:12 The Wait Review 34:34 Avengers: Endgame Encore 37:05 The Wait Ratings 38:11 The Mary Poppins of the Navajo 39:28 DJ Hates Nerdology 41:09 The Wait Superlatives 42:35 DJ Performs Frozen... Again 42:57 PATREON Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ is drinking purple drink, trying to fit back into his suits and discovering that his New Year's resolution to have more fun may have been a little too successful. Kelly proposes a solution: the same amount of fun, but more naps. Eventually, they settle on Fun Zero. DJ also has an update on his SAG health insurance, including an unexpected route back to coverage through his newly approved influencer contract. He is now, very reluctantly, an influencer. Kelly would like to remind everyone that social media works. Then it's time for the debut of DJ & Kelly at the Movies, our new review segment featuring star ratings, five-word movie descriptions, what we'd keep or change, and extremely specific superlatives. This week's movies: Hope: Spectacular action, a confusing alien subplot and a movie that Kelly describes as “Grand Theft Avatar.” Practical Magic 2: Witches, nostalgia, generational trauma and a very attractive magician who desperately needs to stop doing tricks. The Uprising: Medieval tax grievances, accents that require subtitles and camera work that makes Kelly feel like she's watching The Office at a Renaissance fair. Along the way, we reconsider our entire rating system, DJ prepares to die on the Fahrenheit-versus-Celsius hill, and Kelly offers a remarkably specific prediction about the temperature of his casket. Have a ridiculous movie-review wildcard question for us? Send it to [email protected]. Join us on Patreon: patreon.com/loadedpod Find our next live happy hour: loadedpod.com Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ has returned from Orlando with absolutely nothing left to give. He's recording from bed, the television has only barely been muted, and his social battery is officially dead. That doesn't stop us from covering the important news, beginning with the most perfectly constructed headline imaginable: 42 kilos of fentanyl and a small alligator were found in a Los Angeles luxury apartment. This somehow leads to DJ's SAG health-insurance frustrations, the possibility that anything we've ever said on this podcast could someday be entered into evidence, and preliminary plans to flee to Costa Rica should either of us ever need to evade the law. Things get more serious as we talk about public figures choosing whether to speak about Gaza, the distinction between governments and civilians, and why neither of us wants to become so overwhelmed by the state of the world that we stop caring about what happens to vulnerable people. And then, because this is apparently the only podcast we know how to make, Kelly changes the subject to a professional fitness competitor who shit her pants during a Hyrox race and kept using the equipment. DJ would like to formally object to being told this story. Finally, we get into Sydney Sweeney's latest campaign, the sexualization of female athletes, Shailene Woodley's baffling Emmys outfit and the fashion lesson everyone should take with them this week: if you need a cape to make your outfit make sense, change. CHAPTERS 00:00 – DJ Is Broadcasting From Bed 01:30 – Orlando Killed DJ's Social Battery 02:25 – DJ Just Wanted to Be Left Alone 02:45 – Meet Danny From Germany/North Carolina 06:00 – Moving to Orlando on a Whim 06:40 – Fentanyl Bust. Small Alligator Found. 08:07 – Please Be Patient, We'll Get to the Alligator 08:44 – DJ vs. SAG Health Insurance 11:28 – “I Hate Everything. Let's Talk About Drugs.” 11:35 – 42 Kilos of Fentanyl Is Quite a Lot 12:30 – DJ Would Definitely Not Flee the Country 13:04 – This Podcast Will Absolutely Be Used Against Us 13:52 – France Is Actually DJ's Bed 14:09 – Fine, We'll Flee to Costa Rica 14:32 – DJ Is Becoming Less Afraid of Dying 17:57 – The Ed Sheeran Update 19:30 – Speaking Up When You Have a Platform 26:34 – We Need to Change Subjects 27:02 – What the Hell Is Hyrox? 27:45 – CrossFit Is Just Watching People Exercise 28:15 – There's Always a Loophole 28:43 – “You Said This Wasn't Psychologically Damaging!” 30:34 – Kelly Tries to Be Classy 30:45 – This Is the Dive Bar of Podcasts 31:07 – What Is Sydney Sweeney's Team Doing? 33:20 – Pure Spite Is Not Inspiration 34:00 – Aaron Rodgers & Shailene Woodley 34:37 – The Balenciaga Problem 36:46 – “Shailene, We Gotta Go to the Emmys” 37:23 – If Your Outfit Needs a Cape, Change 37:46 – Join Us on Patreon 38:57 – Patreon Begins Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, we're off to an appropriately chaotic start: Kelly is bleeding, DJ's face is bright red from tretinoin, and we're discussing the strategic value of loudly talking about anal sex while sneaking an entire meal into a movie theater. Kelly has been watching videos from this year's Halloween Horror Nights and has concluded that the scariest part may actually be paying to stand in a three-hour line for a two-minute haunted house. Then her internet disappears mid-recording, so DJ gives everyone an impromptu tour of his antiquities collection. DJ is also preparing to travel with an astronaut costume—and has already learned the hard way that once the helmet is assembled, getting it home is another problem entirely. Last time, a gate agent's solution was simple: wear the astronaut helmet onto the plane. Then things get slightly more serious as we talk about the inability to admit when you're wrong, cancel culture, Pink's reaction to Macklemore, generational conflict and why humanity sometimes seems considerably closer to running toward the thunder than evolving past any of this. DJ & Kelly at the Movies returns with Buddy—a bizarre comedy-horror movie that both of us loved—and Onslaught, which worked considerably better when the theater was literally spraying us in the face. We also discover DJ's perfect podcasting outfit: shirt, underwear, socks and shoes. Finally, Kelly explains how a neighborhood walk nearly turned into a true-crime documentary when a coyote got within inches of her nephew. Good news: the child survived. Better news: DJ is now accepting babysitting jobs for only $3 million an hour. Chapters 00:00 – We're Off to a Hot Start 01:02 – DJ's Face Is Regenerating 02:36 – DJ Starts Rumors About His Friends 03:12 – How to Sneak Full Meals Into the Movies 04:23 – Halloween Horror Nights Is the Actual Nightmare 05:27 – Kelly's Internet Dies & DJ Gives a House Tour 07:53 – Halloween Horror Nights, Take Two 08:24 – DJ's Astronaut Costume Problem 09:31 – The Disposable Astronaut Helmet 10:18 – “You’ll Have to Wear It on the Plane” 11:15 – Nothing Is Easy 12:05 – Airport Gate Agents Choose Violence 12:29 – The Cop, the Cell Phone & the Missing Hand 14:36 – DJ's Fear of Losing a Limb 15:01 – Grandpa's Ice-Factory Finger 15:22 – Holly, Jim, Holly & Jim 16:19 – DJ's Tennessee Storytime 17:09 – Do We Still Cancel People? 17:33 – Pink, Macklemore & Speaking Out 19:50 – We Just Lost Mayim Bialik as a Listener 23:42 – We're 15 Minutes From Running Away From Thunder 25:17 – DJ & Kelly at the Movies 25:28 – Buddy Was Weird as Fuck—and We Loved It 27:00 – Onslaught Was Fine 27:49 – Weird Movies That Are Weird Just to Be Weird 29:01 – DJ Needs to Do “I Don't Think So, Honey” 29:45 – I've Got Some Things I Don't Love 29:57 – DJ Is Podcasting in Underwear and Shoes 31:00 – DJ's Fargo Stunt Story 33:14 – Kelly Has Had Enough of Children 34:15 – A Coyote Almost Took Kelly's Nephew 36:26 – Don't Lose Your Dog to a Hawk 37:18 – More Onslaught & Getting Sprayed in 4D 38:44 – DJ Can't Quit P.F. Chang's 40:41 – Join Us on Patreon Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

CHAPTERS 00:00 DJ's Bowler Hat & 10 Movies in August 02:15 Barney on a Rampage 02:46 Wait… What Happened to the Guy Who Played Barney? 04:34 Barney's Tantric Sex Business 06:06 The World Has Become Completely Insane 08:04 The Death of a Pastor's Wife 09:31 Mica Miller, John-Paul Miller & Coercive Control 13:07 Why “Just Leave” Isn't That Simple 17:57 THE SERIAL BUTT SNIFFER IS BACK 20:11 How Does a Serial Butt Sniffer Operate? 22:17 DJ Discovers Ghost Kitchens 23:33 Your Favorite “Restaurant” Might Not Exist 24:11 “It's Not Fraud, It's Just Wings” 26:02 The Problem With Grocery Delivery 28:25 Male Instacart Shoppers 30:33 DJ's 19-Step Crushed-Chip Solution 31:47 Why Are People Eating Plain Lay's? 33:21 The Best Sandwich Chains 34:30 Sweetgreen & Salad Discourse 36:34 What We Saw This Week 37:01 Finding Emily Review 38:18 We Literally Couldn't Understand the Movie 38:31 Movie-Theater Sneezing Etiquette 40:21 Are Men Creating Noise Pollution? 41:20 The Movie-Theater Crinkler Returns 42:16 “You Just Got ICE'd, Bitch” 43:37 Patreon Preview Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

DJ has returned from New Jersey exhausted, Kelly deliberately cuts off the intro, and this week's episode of Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly is officially coming to you live from DJ's bed. We start with boundaries—and DJ's increasingly toxic relationship with American Airlines after a seemingly endless series of delays. After dozens of flights and hours spent stranded in airports, DJ has one request: if the airline is going to make him live there, could they at least upgrade him from the lounge that looks like a bus stop? Then we get into travel, cultural differences and the danger of assuming your own values automatically apply everywhere. DJ remembers trying to overpay a woman doing his laundry in the Philippines before being told to stop imposing his Western assumptions, while Kelly remembers being asked to stop tipping so much during a trip to India. We also talk movies that may or may not make any sense, the apparently essential inclusion of dinosaur sex, modern parenting expectations, people who desperately need to mind their own business, and the strange internet trajectory of Lohanthony. Then we finally dig into the listener inbox. One listener has been with her boyfriend for four years and has always been clear that she wants marriage. Now he says marriage is “just a piece of paper”—but wants them to buy a house together. Is refusing to buy property without marriage an ultimatum? And more importantly… is an ultimatum necessarily a bad thing? Kelly also explains why Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw relationship metaphor has stuck with her: sometimes the answer isn't forcing another person into the life you've imagined. It's recognizing that the pieces don't fit and choosing yourself. Plus: movie theater snacks, gaydar, asymmetrical faces, shareholders, sex in Thailand and DJ's revolutionary new philosophy: If it doesn't fit, get it away from me. I'm tired. Chapters 00:00 – Kelly Refuses to Finish the Intro01:14 – DJ Is Setting Boundaries From Bed02:10 – Live, Work, Sleep? Absolutely Not03:23 – We're Beholden to Our Shareholders03:38 – DJ's Toxic Relationship With American Airlines06:44 – DJ Wants Concierge Key07:40 – Airport Sleeping Pods & Travel Trauma08:20 – California Summer Is a Scam09:41 – Dolly Parton & Owning Who You Are10:56 – A Very Honest Tourist in Thailand13:17 – Sex Work, Judgment & Minding Your Business15:17 – DJ's $1 Laundry Lesson in the Philippines16:40 – Kelly's Tipping Story From India17:43 – Why Does My Face Look Different on Camera?18:49 – Listener Emails19:10 – Another Straight Man Has Found the Podcast19:48 – What Happened With Black Summer?21:31 – The End of Oak Street Was… Weird22:12 – Yes, There Is Dinosaur Sex23:05 – What Movies Are We Seeing Next?24:02 – When “Surrealistic” Means “This Makes No Sense”26:27 – What Is Back-to-School Night?27:03 – Parenting Expectations Are Out of Control28:25 – Leave Britney Alone & Lohanthony29:32 – Lohanthony, Christianity & Conversion Therapy32:25 – Back to the Listener Mail32:36 – “My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me”33:34 – Are Ultimatums Actually Bad?36:40 – Daniel Sloss's Relationship Theory38:11 – If It Doesn't Fit, Get It Away From Me38:38 – Patreon & Happy Hour Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

DJ is finally FREE from corporate tax prep, Kelly has popped blood vessels in both eyes from too much research, and somehow that’s only the beginning. This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, we get into Kaia Gerber’s story about being spiritually cleansed with a didgeridoo, Chris Hansen’s thoughts on Robert Pattinson playing him, the upcoming Anthony Bourdain movie Tony, and why having a Regal Unlimited pass has basically turned going to the movies into our part-time job. We also talk ADHD, visual clutter and the impossible task of getting rid of stuff you’ve owned for years; celebrity impersonators who may look more like the celebrity than the actual celebrity; whether yachts are secretly terrifying; and the important financial strategy of sneaking a four-course meal—with dipping sauces—into a movie theater. Then Kelly brings up a theory about the way men and women interpret the 1–10 pain scale at the doctor: are men comparing their pain to the worst thing they’ve personally experienced, while women compare theirs to the worst pain they can imagine? And could that be one more reason women unintentionally downplay their pain when seeking medical care? Plus: New Jersey, hangovers, soft pretzels, mushrooms, tiny thumbs and entirely too much information. Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & KellyNew episodes weekly. Chapters These should work nicely as searchable YouTube chapters: 00:00 – DJ Survived Tax Prep04:00 – The McDonald’s Flash Mob06:23 – New Jersey & DJ’s Legendary Night Out09:06 – Hangovers, College Drinking & Boone’s Farm10:49 – Kelly’s Internet Is Still Fighting Her12:01 – Kaia Gerber’s Didgeridoo Exorcism13:49 – Robert Pattinson Is Playing Chris Hansen?!16:48 – The Anthony Bourdain Movie Tony17:18 – We’ve Turned Going to the Movies Into a Job20:42 – ADHD, Clutter & Getting Rid of Everything23:29 – DJ’s Extremely Disturbing New Art25:00 – The Tupac Murder Trial26:33 – Celebrity Impersonators Are Getting Too Good29:45 – Are Yachts Actually Fun?31:07 – Why Terrible Things Keep Happening on Yachts32:42 – Do Men & Women Rate Pain Differently?38:39 – Maybe Going to Bed Sober Is Unhealthy39:15 – Never Look at Your Hands on Mushrooms41:09 – Patreon & Live Happy Hour Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

DJ should be on a cruise. Instead, he’s doing taxes because his travel companion waited until the last possible second to remember one tiny problem: there’s a warrant out for his arrest. Then DJ and Kelly recap a VERY busy week at the movies, including One Night Only, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, Super Troopers 3 and I Want Your Sex. Which movies worked, which didn’t, and why exactly is One Night Only essentially “The Purge, but for sex”? Elsewhere: why Dungeons & Dragons creates instant secondhand embarrassment, whether Gen Z’s declining interest in drinking and dating might have something to do with how insanely expensive it is to leave the house, DJ’s unwavering devotion to Irish Spring 5-in-1, rising electricity bills, political hypocrisy, the WNBA protest stunt, and the Lindsay Clancy trial. Plus, on Patreon: DJ experiments with Jell-O that expired in 2022, The Last House gets absolutely demolished, and we establish the official Locked & Probably Loaded rule: listen to an entire episode before deciding whether you hate us. Join Patreon for episodes a week early, bonus content and live happy hours:patreon.com/loadedpod Try a live happy hour:loadedpod.com Follow us:@loadedpod Email:[email protected] Chapters 00:00 Welcome to Locked & Probably Loaded00:56 DJ’s Five Days of Tax Prep Hell02:25 How DJ Earned Free Cruise Rooms03:49 The Cruise Disaster: “Your Warrant Is Not My Responsibility”05:23 Taco Bell, Below Deck & Recovering From the Cancellation06:44 Would DJ & Kelly Survive Dungeons & Dragons?08:06 The Freedom — and Horror — of Being Cringe09:45 One Night Only: The Purge, But for Sex13:29 Spider-Man: Brand New Day14:13 Super Troopers 315:41 I Want Your Sex16:49 Why Isn’t Gen Z Having Sex?18:52 The WNBA Protest Stunt20:36 Why Is Electricity So Expensive?22:35 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a House23:45 DJ’s Unwavering Loyalty to Irish Spring27:29 Political Hypocrisy & Ken Paxton32:46 Max Miller & Political Scandals35:31 Matt Gaetz Invades DJ’s Facebook Algorithm37:24 The Lindsay Clancy Trial45:10 Boston, Justice & an Interesting Way to End a Podcast46:03 Patreon, Live Happy Hours & What’s Next PATREON BONUS 46:59 Does Jell-O Expire? DJ Finds Out48:47 The Cruise That Never Happened49:40 Why This Podcast Is Almost Impossible to Clip52:31 Rage Bait & the Internet Attention Span53:25 The Last House: What the Hell Was That?57:13 Back to Tax Hell58:54 The $1 Taco Bell Quesarito That Costs $1.60 Locked and Probably Loaded, DJ Qualls, Kelly Blackheart, One Night Only movie, One Night Only review, Spider-Man Brand New Day, Spider-Man Brand New Day review, Tom Holland Spider-Man, Super Troopers 3, Super Troopers 3 review, I Want Your Sex movie, I Want Your Sex review, Olivia Wilde, Gregg Araki, Cooper Hoffman, The Last House Netflix, The Last House review, new movies 2026, movie reviews 2026, comedy podcast, pop culture podcast, Lindsay Clancy trial, Lindsay Clancy, WNBA controversy, Royce White WNBA, Enes Kanter WNBA, DJ and Kelly Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

In this episode of Locked & Probably Loaded, DJ Qualls and Kelly Blackheart dive into late-night overthinking, documentary rabbit holes, anxiety spirals, sleep deprivation, and why "research is not a nighttime activity." They also share stories about organizing their homes, finding unexpected gratitude, cruise planning disasters, and the strange tricks that actually helped improve their moods. If you've ever stayed awake Googling yourself into a panic, this episode is for you. 00:00 Welcome & DJ's Sleepless Night 01:00 Why Late-Night Research Is a Bad Idea 03:00 The Documentaries We Can (and Can't) Watch 08:00 Acting Crazy Might Actually Keep You Safe 11:00 Can Smiling Actually Change Your Mood? 14:00 Organization, Gratitude & Sleepless Nights 20:00 The Rabbit Hole of Jewelry and Collecting 25:00 Why We Can Never Finish Organizing 31:00 The Worst Chore in the World 33:00 Why This Podcast Makes Us Happier 35:00 DJ's Cruise Dilemma sleep anxiety overthinking can't sleep late night thoughts mental health documentaries true crime documentaries heist documentaries gratitude organization decluttering podcast DJ Qualls Kelly Blackheart Locked and Probably Loaded comedy podcast friendship podcast sleep tips anxiety podcast Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.