Ep 277 No Name Bastard: Turning Hidden Shame into Leadership Freedom w/Tori DaCosta

You might be capable, accomplished and well respected, and still carry something you never say out loud. It could be a piece of your past, an old fear, or a feeling that you don’t quite measure up. You’ve gotten good at managing it, and you’ve had a polished answer ready for years.That hidden story still costs you. It shows up when you avoid a hard conversation, when you need people to like you, or when you can’t be fully present with your team or your family. It keeps you from leading, loving and living with your full potential.In this episode, host Tyler Dickerhoof talks with Tori DaCosta. She is a former Fortune 50 leader, the founder of Journey Stone, and the author of No Name Bastard. Tori spent years hiding the fact that her parents weren’t married, quietly ashamed of a story she didn’t choose. Near the end of an executive MBA, she realized “something was missing.” That moment led her to write a book about the stories she’d kept hidden for decades. It also gave her a gift she now uses with leaders: she can see the hidden thing holding someone back, even when they can’t name it yet.If you’re tired of performing and ready to lead as your whole self, this conversation gives you a path forward.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why hidden shame keeps its grip until you face it, name it and grow from itHow people-pleasing works as a prison, and the question that shows whether someone truly cares about youThe Control, Manage, Influence framework, Tori’s practical model for emotional maturity under pressureWhat adult “temper tantrums” look like, including the quieter ones like going silent and passive aggressionWhy the most emotionally mature person in the room has to go first, and why that is a leader’s jobThe “check it at the door” mistake: what happened when Tori told her team they had permission to be human, and why it made them more loyal, not lessThe “nice” leader trap: how being liked can quietly sabotage accountabilityWhen to share your story and when not to. Tyler’s test is whether it enhances the relationship or turns into victimhood.How to stay human in the age of AI by thinking on your feet and having real conversations📖 Read the book: No Name Bastard by Tori DaCosta, available on Amazon, Kindle and audiobook🌐 Work with Tori: journeystone.com 📱 Connect with Tori: @ToriDaCostaLeadership👩🏼‍💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toridacosta/🔥 Join Tyler’s Lead Without Hiding Challenge: a three-day workshop for leaders ready to stop hiding. Learn more at leadwithouthiding.com

You care about the team you lead. You say yes more often than you should. You take on the extra work so your team doesn’t have to. And now you’re running on empty.Kristen Hadeed knows that place well. She started Student Maid at 19 to buy a pair of jeans. Forty-five people quit on her in one day. She wrote a bestseller about it. Then, more than a decade in, she caught her reflection in a window and didn’t recognize the person looking back.In this episode, host Tyler Dickerhoof, and Kristen Hadeed dig into the belief that was causing her to drown in shame: “It’s my job to keep people happy.” Where it started. What it cost her. And how she let it go.In this episode, you’ll learn:How to spot the hidden belief driving your leadership decisionsWhy saying no is kind, both to you and to the other personThe weekly 1–10 capacity check-in Kristen’s team uses to stop burnout before it startsWhy Navy SEALs train at an 8, not a 10How to stop feeling like you have to earn restOne simple question that helps you trust your own answerA three-line mirror exercise that changes how you talk to yourselfConnect with Kristen:Website: https://www.kristenhadeed.com/LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristenhadeed/Subscribe to The Impact Driven Leader Newsletter: https://impactdrivenleader.beehiiv.com/subscribeJoin The Lead Without Hiding Challenge: https://www.tylerdickerhoof.com/lwh-challenge

Some of the most complacent leaders are also the hardest working.That sounds backward. But Marty Hofmann learned that drive and complacency can be the same thing. When you're always chasing the next result, you never stop long enough to be present with the people right in front of you.Marty grew up on a farm in Iowa, spent eight years as a youth pastor, and built a $15 million real estate portfolio that started with a single $5,000 duplex. He's the author of Kill Complacency, host of the podcast by the same name, and founder of The Forge, a community that helps people stop drifting and build their lives on purpose.He's also a guy whose wife once told him, "I'm over this." He had been providing for his family without being present with them.In this conversation, Tyler and Marty talk about the hidden cost of being "Rammy," the word Marty's family used for pushing through people to get results. They get into why validation drives so many leaders, what it cost Marty with his older kids, and the simple practice that turned his life around.The answer to complacency isn't working harder. It's being intentional.In this episode:Why drive and complacency are often the same problemWhat it means to be results-oriented instead of people-oriented, and what it costs youThe string illustration: why you can't push people, you have to lead from the frontMarty's 7 F framework: faith, family, fitness, future self, finance, friends and funHow five years of tracked Monday date nights rebuilt his marriageStarting with your future self and working backward to todayWhere his need for validation came from as one of ten kidsThe one thing to do first if you sense you're driftingResources:Marty's book, website and resources: killcomplacency.comKill Complacency on AmazonLead Without Hiding monthly challenge: leadwithouthiding.com

Warning: This episode includes a detailed account of a violent assault. It also mentions sexual assault, eating disorders, and growing up with alcoholic parents.On the morning of June 16, 2022, Erika Rothenberger pushed back a meeting by 15 minutes. She texted her kids to have a great day. Then she pulled into the parking lot she had used for over 10 years.A man she had never seen before was waiting.What happened next changed everything.Erika is a civil engineer. She has spent more than 20 years in construction, where only about 11% of the workers are women. She had the hard hat, the corner office, the family. She thought she was living a big, bold life. What happened to her that day in June showed her she had been playing it safe. She had also been packing years of pain into a dark "basement" she never meant to open.In this conversation, Erika sits down with show host and longtime friend Tyler Dickerhoof. She tells the story of what happened to her that day and the three and a half years of trials that came after.She also shares the moment in her backyard, hood up and body bruised, when her children's laughter reminded her she had a choice. She could stay a victim. She could survive. Or she could thrive.She chose to thrive. The thing that carried her through was human connection: her husband, her sister, her friends, and people she barely knew who showed up.Erika and Tyler also talk about:What leading in a male-populated industry taught her, and what she learned from a female-populated oneThe drawing exercise that showed her what she had been hidingWhy trauma always finds a way out, and why facing it head-on mattersThe pink rubber band and how discomfort builds resilienceWhy grace sits in the middle of "grit, grace, and glitz," and why it's the part most leaders skipA mentor's question she still asks herself: "Do you want to win the battle and lose the war?"Her BOLD method for turning your hardest story into a light for someone elseEveryone gets a wake-up call. Erika's came in a parking lot. Yours may look different, but the choice is the same: what will you do with it?Mentioned in this episodeAudacious Expansion by Erika RothenbergerGrit, Grace & Glitz podcastAudacious Woman SummitConnect with Erikaerikarothenberger.comConnect with [email protected]

Sean Conlon raised capital, scaled hard, and exited big. Then COVID shut down all seven of his wedding venues and left him with nothing left to control. What followed wasn't just a business reset. It was a complete reorientation of why he builds companies differently today.In this conversation, Sean and Tyler get honest about the identity trap hiding inside high performance, and what it looks like to trade an empire mindset for a kingdom one.You'll learn:Why the thing driving your ambition might be an idol you never namedThe difference between happiness and joy in your work — and why most driven people never find the second oneIncubator vs. incinerator: how Sean went from burning through people to multiplying themWhat delegation requires before you can let goHow running a Montana Longhorn ranch became a masterclass in stewardship over controlConnect with Sean on LinkedIn or at SeanConlon.comSomething hit a nerve? Reach out to Tyler, he'd love to go deeper.Join the next Lead Without Hiding challenge: LeadWithoutHiding.com

What happens when everything you've built — your contracts, your identity, your network — disappears in a single week?Dr. Esther Zeledon, founder of Be Act Change and author of Creating Your Limitless Life, knows that answer firsthand.In this conversation, Esther takes us back to the wound that started everything: a 10-year-old girl watching her father lose his PhD funding, her family's world unraveling mid-school year, and the obsession with advocacy that grew from that moment.That obsession eventually carried her into humanitarian aid, where she grew a $700K project into a $100M initiative and invented the $40 billion question along the way.Then January 2026 hit. USAID cuts. Half a million dollars in signed contracts gone in a week. Two months in bed. And then — the pivot that only someone who'd already left once could make.In this episode, Tyler and Esther explore:The $40 billion question: why asking people to dream impossibly big is actually the most practical leadership tool there isWhat it looks like to help hundreds of humanitarian aid workers grieve the loss of their entire professional identity — and step into their power anywayWhy the organizations we serve can quietly convince us we're nothing without them (and Tyler's four monkeys story that perfectly captures why)The difference between saving people and serving themThe universal fear underneath every high achiever: Do I have value? Am I enough?Why the hardest work Esther has ever done isn't coaching others — it's her own boundariesThis is a conversation about what hides beneath titles, credentials, and missions. And what emerges when all of it gets stripped away.Connect with Dr. Esther ZeledonInstagram: @be.act.changeLinkedIn: Esther ZeledonMentioned in this episode:Creating Your Limitless Life by Dr. Esther ZeledonThe $40 Billion Question FrameworkBe Act Change

You know your product. You've got clients, revenue, a team. But growth has gotten harder and you're not sure why.Here's what nobody wants to admit: the disconnect between the value you think you deliver and the value your clients actually feel is probably wider than you know. And that gap is costing you deals, loyalty, and the kind of growth you know you're capable of.In this episode, host Tyler Dickerhoof sits down with John Ravaris — founder of UVP Solutions and author of Define Value, Drive Growth — to show you exactly how to close it. John spent 35 years inside family-owned businesses learning that sustainable growth isn't a sales problem or a marketing problem. It's a value problem. And it's fixable.By the end of this conversation, you'll know:Why price objections are almost never really about priceHow to move your clients from seeing you as a vendor to treating you as a partnerWhy your best clients may not be telling you the truth — and how to find out what they actually thinkWhat has to happen inside your organization before growth can happen outside of itHow to stop relying on heroics and build a team that can sell the way you doConnect with John:📘 Define Value, Drive Growth — available on Amazon🌐 uvpsolutions.com📧 [email protected]

Most leaders think they're in control of how they lead. They're not.Underneath every decision, reaction, and every room you walk into is something that's running the show. A fear that never got named. A wound that never got faced. A wall that got built so long ago you forgot it was there.In this episode, host Tyler Dickerhoof shares his new book — The Things We Hide — and reads from the opening chapters. Tyler opens with the moment that changed everything, the afternoon his three-year-old brother Joel died on their family farm, and the wall a fourteen-year-old boy built in the hours that followed. A wall that would quietly run his leadership, his relationships, and his life for the next twenty-five years.In this episode you'll learn:✅ The four walls leaders build from fear: Intensity, Insensitivity, Isolation, Inactivity✅ How to identify the core insecurity driving your leadership before it costs you the people around you✅ Why your greatest growth won't come from doing more, only from being more yourself✅ The one exercise that changes things for you: naming what you've never said out loud📖 Get The Things We Hide — available now: thethingswehidebook.com🔔 Subscribe for weekly conversations on leadership, self-awareness, and what it actually takes to lead well.

What if the greatest obstacle to your leadership isn't your experience? What if it's the disconnect between how you think you're showing up as a leader and how your team experiences you?Caroline Webb, economist turned McKinsey partner turned executive coach, and author of the brand-new book Leadership Intelligence joins show host, Tyler Dickerhoof to discuss her time at the Bank of England forecasting national economies. And later spending three decades inside the world's most high-stakes boardrooms studying one question: what is the human brain doing when a leader tries to lead?What emerges from this conversation is something rarely discussed: the most important variable in any organization isn't market conditions, competitive pressure, or strategy. It's the interior life of the person at the top. You, the leader of it all.In this episode:Caroline shares the moment she stopped hiding an 8-month health crisis from her boss and colleaguesWhat that period taught her about the same hiding pattern she sees in leaders every dayWhy being promoted for individual brilliance is often the thing that derails great leadershipAnd the neuroscience of why stress makes leaders either aggressive or invisible — and how both responses shrink the very solution space they need most.You can connect with Caroline at: https://carolinewebb.co/And grab a copy of her book Leadership Intelligence: Science Backed Strategies for Mastering 21 Everyday Management Challenges🔥 Tyler's Lead Without Hiding Challenge: leadwithouthiding.com — offered once a month.

There's a version of success nobody warns you about. The one where you've built something meaningful, achieved significance, and then handed it over. Suddenly the thing that defined you for decades is gone, and you're left wondering who you are without it.Matt Friedman built Wing Zone from $500 and a fraternity kitchen into a 140-location franchise across six countries. He spent 27 years pouring himself into that brand. And when he finally sold it, he discovered something uncomfortable: he had no idea what came next, and he'd been hiding that from himself for years.In this conversation, Matt pulls back the curtain on the quiet identity crisis that follows a major exit, the arrogance that crept in during the peak years, and why the things he never examined about himself were exactly the things that held him back as a leader. He also shares what it took to rebuild — not the business, but himself — and why the five years between selling Wing Zone and stepping in as CEO of Epic Wings were the most important of his career.If you're a leader approaching a transition, sitting in one, or quietly dreading the moment your title no longer tells you who you are, this conversation is for you. Matt talks honestly about what to plan for, what most people get wrong about exiting, and why the most important work you'll ever do isn't building the company — it's deciding who you want to be when it's done.Learn more about Matt on LinkedIn Here.Or visit his website and grab a copy of his book The Wing Zone Story athttps://mattfriedman.com/