You've Been Lied To About Your Marriage Problems

Are your “shoulds” stalling progress in your marriage? In this episode I unpack the trap of turning personal standards (“shoulds”) into boundaries (“musts”)—and how that pressure slows connection and blinds you to better solutions. See episode recap, key themes and quotes Many husbands (me included at times) think too much in terms of "should" Here are some common examples I see come up in coaching: “My wife should go to counseling.” “She should talk about the affair and apologize before we move forward.” “She should have told me before she left.” Some of these are good standards. But when you elevate them into musts, you create pressure, enable self-justification, and blind yourself to better solutions. The fix isn’t to ditch standards; it’s to keep standards and boundaries in their proper places*, extract the *core need under your “should,” and find unconventional paths that meet that need with more buy-in. ---  What you’ll learn Standards vs. Boundaries: How to stop lumping “shoulds” and “musts” together. Order matters: Why the affair conversation often seals healing rather than starts it. Alignment over pressure: Pressure creates standoffs; alignment creates dialogue. Find another path: When counseling or a marriage retreat is a “no,” other options can still meet the same need. Avoid self-justification: Swap “she should…” for “what can I do today that moves us forward?” For conflict-avoidant men: Don’t demote true musts into “shoulds” just to keep the peace. --- Memorable lines “Keep your shoulds in their proper place.” “Standards are the bar you set; boundaries are the line you won’t cross.” “The conversation about the affair often seals the healing, not initiates it.” “When we take the pressure off, we find alignment—and alignment invites dialogue.” “Don’t let a good ‘should’ become a bad ‘must.’” --- Who this helps Husbands in separation, men navigating reconciliation after an affair, or any couple trying to rebuild trust without blame, bashing, or quick fixes.  

Episode notes & quotes: https://husbandhelphaven.com/episode-27/ You’ve been lied to about your marriage. If the same problems keep showing up, you’ve probably heard: “That means it’s unfixable—just leave.” In this episode, we explore why that advice quietly wrecks good marriages—and what actually helps. Big idea: In every lifelong relationship, issues often feel cyclical because two steady humans bring steady strengths, weaknesses, and sensitivities. Healthy marriages don’t permanently erase friction; they learn to manage it well. That’s where commitment and self-awareness come in. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why the “unfixable problems = divorce” script is a lie Why conflicts can feel the same even when the topics change How every strength has a shadow side (e.g., independence ↔ distance) A working definition of commitment you can use on hard days What real change looks like: mitigate weaknesses, amplify strengths Where boundaries and safety fit in (commitment isn’t enabling abuse) Hope for separated men—why honoring your vow still shapes you into a better man One line to remember: “Happy marriages aren’t the ones that fix every problem forever; they’re the ones that learn to manage friction—over and over—together.” Resources & next steps: Husband Help Group (waitlist): https://husbandhelphaven.com/waitlist (A premium, pro-marriage, pro-hope support group for men navigating separation.) If this episode helps, share it with a friend who needs encouragement—and leave a review so more men can find the show. Much manly love, Stephen | Husband Help Haven

What if the marriage you’re living is the exact marriage you deserve? I know—sounds harsh, right? But hang with me. In over ten years of coaching men through separation, I’ve learned that treating this “what-if” as true is the quickest way to spotlight the blind spots you're contributing to the breakdown of the relationship. Go to https://husbandhelphaven.com/episode-26 for a full episode overview. 00:00 Introduction  00:20 You Get The Marriage You Deserve... Sort of 01:00 Key to Uncovering Blind Spots 03:44 How to Use this "What If" 04:29 Am I Too Harsh on Husbands? 05:42 Why You Should Want This To Be True 08:17 Addressing The Peace Keepers 12:10 The Danger of Peacekeeping 14:22 Key Takeaways 16:11 If you remember one thing... 17:33 Moving Forward With Self-Awareness “Stephen… isn’t that a little harsh?” Yes, and it’s meant to jolt us awake. I’m not saying you deserve pain or betrayal. I’m asking you to imagine you might be a bigger part of the problem than you realize. I often see two typical reactions to this statement: “Nope, not me!” → usually indicates pride, unwillingness to self-examine. “Okay… maybe.” → usually indicates humility, openness to learn, far easier to coach. The question forces healthy self-interrogation: “What would I need to be blind to for this to be true?” Why You Should Want This To Be True You have more power than you think – If your habits helped create the mess, your new habits can help clean it up. Divorce ≠ Automatic Fix – You can’t divorce yourself. Growth—not escape—is the thing that brings lasting change. Pride Shattered, Humility Unleashed – Humility and marital satisfaction rise (or fall) together. Most lessons in this series seek to help you do one of three things: Set aside ego, Consider your wife’s experience, Proactively do better—because there is better to do. Big Takeaways You’ll Hear It’s not literally true you always get exactly what you deserve—but acting as if can uncover life-changing blind spots. Every marriage contains two flawed humans carrying baggage and ignorance. When those go unexamined, dissatisfaction skyrockets. “You don’t have a ceiling—you do have blind spots.” Deny that, and your best-possible marriage stays out of reach.

How do good, loving couples end up divorced? The short answer comes down to three key factors: Marriage on the Back Burner – You both get busy—maybe with a home remodel, new job, or family obligations—and assume it’s “just a season.” Meanwhile, the relationship gets less and less attention. Both Spouses Become Their Worst – Left untended, bad habits and unresolved stress start growing like weeds. You’re not pouring in the love, so complacency—and resentment—take root. An External Crisis Strikes – This might be a financial meltdown, a parent passing away, a milestone birthday, or even an affair. The marriage, already neglected, crumbles under the added pressure. In this episode, we dig into why these three steps devastate even “happy” marriages and how to recognize the warning signs early. You’ll hear the story of “Terry,” a devoted family man who thought everything would be fine once life calmed down—only to learn his wife was already done. We’ll explore the external crises that can blindside a relationship, from sudden loss to those insidious “life is good on paper” moments that leave you wondering why you still feel so empty. We will talk about why this pattern is so surprisingly damaging to a marriage. But it’s not all doom and gloom. We’ll also talk about concrete strategies for proactively restoring your marriage—whether you’re on the brink of divorce or feeling rock-solid as a couple. Find out how to keep small disconnects from becoming gaping chasms The importance of showing empathy in the face of conflict Why (and how) even the busiest seasons of life don't have to starve your marriage of attention. We’ll also look at what you can do if you’re already separated, plus how to respond when your wife says, “Why did it take me leaving to make you change?” If there's one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it's this: “Complacency kills your marriage because good habits take effort; bad habits grow on their own.” No matter where you stand—separated and feeling desperate, or happily married but busier than ever—this episode is a wake-up call. You’ll walk away with tangible tips for staying vigilant, owning your mistakes, and steering your marriage off the back burner for good. If you’ve ever wanted a crash course in how to protect the connection you value most, this is it. Ready to learn the subtle ways couples drift apart—and how to stop it from happening to you? Visit HusbandHelpHaven.com/episode-25 for the full episode.

Episode notes available at https://husbandhelphaven.com/episode-24/   Do you need help reconnecting with your wife? Maybe you need to know some specific things to say to your wife to navigate the often-challenging conversations that happen during separation? Or maybe you just want some tips to be a better husband overall.   In today's episode of the Husband Help Haven Podcast, I'm going to share some good ol' fashioned communication advice to help you build a better connection with your wife, whether you're happily married or in the thick of separation.   As you listen, you'll learn about 8 different three-word phrases that you can and should incorporate to your conversations with your wife. For each phrase, I'll tell you what it really means beyond just the words spoken, and I'll tell you how you can use it both in a happy marriage and a broken one.   This is a little different from our normal separation-focused topics, but should still be helpful for all men who care about being an excellent relationship partner.

Show notes and video for this episode can be found at https://husbandhelphaven.com/episode-23/   How do you know when it really is time to be done waiting for your wife to come back? This is the other side of the question answered in the previous episode. As a pro-marriage optimist, please know that I'm rarely going to tell you to move on from your marriage, but in this episode I will share the reasons that I've seen other separated men make that decision for themselves.   I will warn you, unlike the last episode, this one may not be very encouraging. But this is a real-life question that comes up regularly, especially among men who have endured lengthy or difficult separations with no end in sight. However, even though this episode is an answer to a somber and difficult question, we will make sure to finish on an encouraging note -- you'll learn why my hope is that hearing the reasons men decide to be done waiting could actually help you more confidently choose to keep going.

Show notes and video available at https://husbandhelphaven.com/episode-22/   Do you ever question if it's worth waiting for your wife to come back? Does it feel like your separation is dragging on indefinitely? We all need to be reminded sometimes why we do the things we do. This episode is for the men who are sick of being in no man's land, and need a pep talk to remember why they're still holding onto hope for their wife.   When you're doubting whether it's worth it to keep going, I want this episode to be one that you can listen to and go, "Oh yeah, that's why I'm still waiting for my wife... That reason is worth choosing to keep going.

"Stephen, I know you can't tell me an exact timeframe, but based on your experience, how much longer do you think this separation will last? How long 'til she comes back? How long til she pushes through the divorce?"   I get this sort of question a lot, and I understand why. Separation is hard. Being able to have some reasonable expectation of how much road you have left to travel would help you set realistic expectations.   Obviously I can't predict the future, but today I'm going to walk you through seven questions that you can ask yourself to help figure out how much longer your separation might last.   The factors we address in these questions each affect the duration of a separation, so knowing where you stand in these areas will help you predict if you'll end up on the long side of an average separation, or not. Plus, I'll tell you how long the average separation lasts so you have a sort of baseline to work from.   If you want to see a sort of "cheat sheet" for these factors, head on over to https://husbandhelphaven.com/how-much-longer/

Show notes for this episode at https://husbandhelphaven.com/marcus-interview/ Not every story has a happy ending. Or maybe, the happy ending isn't always what we believe it will be. That's exactly the case for Marcus Farris, a former Peace & Control student who is now living on the other side of divorce. In today's episode, we sit down to talk honestly about what happened in his marriage, separation and divorce. He bares his heart and shares all his struggles and successes that he experienced on his journey through marriage crisis. Even though Marcus didn't end up saving his marriage, he is still every bit a success story in my book. As you listen to his story, you'll see what I mean - he learned the hard way that you can't put your full worth and happiness in the hands of another person. But what came out the other side of that hard lesson is a man who is loving, confident and impactful. In addition to generally sharing his story, a few specific topics we hit on in our extended conversation include... How did he handle his wife's infidelity? Did he confront the other man? What most helped him survive his marriage crisis? How does he reconcile the reality of his divorce with his belief as a Christian that God is good and hates divorce? It was a privilege of the highest order to host Marcus on today's podcast. If you like hearing his insights, be sure to check out his new book that goes deep on his journey through divorce. It's called No Less Faithful and you can get his free Love-Loss-Recovery one-week plan at https://www.nolessfaithfulbook.com/

In the last episode, we talked about how to get out of your wife's friend zone when you're early in the separation... But what about when you're beginning to rebuild the marriage on the other side of separation? What do you do when your wife is starting to come back, but can't seem to get those pesky "feelings" back? That's the subject of this week's episode. We'll talk about developing an effective mindset to survive this phase of separation, and what you can do to lead the way from a genuinely renewed friendship with your wife back to a loving, happy marriage.