445: When Unhealed Betrayal Follows You to Work

In this solo episode, Dr. Debi shares 11 anonymized, real-world scenarios showing how unhealed betrayal quietly derails performance, leadership, health, and culture at work. From weight changes and gut issues to micromanagement, perfectionism, disengagement, and self-betrayal, you'll see how a personal rupture (even years old) can surface on the job—and what to do about it. You'll also hear research-backed prevalence stats (weight, gut, sleep) and a clear invitation to move from Stages 2–3 (shock and survival) into Stages 4–5 (healing and growth).    Who this episode is for  Professionals, leaders, and founders who feel "off" at work and can't trace why  HR/people leaders noticing unexplained dips in performance, morale, or collaboration  Anyone who suspects an earlier betrayal might still be shaping today's choices, health, and capacity    Key concepts & signals  Betrayal shows up at work physically (weight, gut, sleep), mentally (focus, overthinking), emotionally (hypervigilance, distrust).  Nervous system hijack: After broken trust, people often swing to micromanagement, second-guessing, isolation, or over-preparation.  Stages matter: Creativity, confidence, and connection typically reliably return as you move into Stages 4–5 of the 5-Stage model.  Research snapshots (from Debi's community data):  Weight/eating struggles: ~47%  Gut issues (IBS/Crohn's/constipation/diarrhea): ~45%  Sleep problems: ~68%    Case snapshots (anonymized)  Sarah — Weight & confidence spiral Discovery of husband + best friend affair → stress eating → +40 lbs, pre-diabetes, energy crash. Missed two promotions; client-facing confidence plummeted.  Marcus — Gut & career derailment Brother's $50k "investment" betrayal (borrowed from 401k) → nausea → IBS, 30 missed days in 6 months, $12k out-of-pocket care → transfer to lower-paying support role.  Jennifer — From empowering to micromanaging Daughter's addiction/deceit eroded trust → hypervigilance, excessive approvals, morale drop → $30k demotion.  David — Cultural catalyst to clock-watcher Father covertly rewrote will for estranged sister → emotional numbness → stopped mentoring/initiatives → ~25% drop in departmental satisfaction.  Lisa — Anxiety, over-prep, stalled growth Fiancé + maid of honor affair weeks before wedding → panic in meetings, medical leave, therapy costs → over-preparation and hesitation → lost Senior Manager promotion.  Tom — Creativity collapse Close friend's emotional affair with his partner during family caregiving → withdrew creative risk-taking → lost edge in pitches → 3 major accounts (~$2M) missed.  Rachel — Sleepless CEO Sister's manipulation of elderly mother & finances → insomnia, ruminations → poorer board-level decisions, investor strain, performance dip; sleep meds added side-effects.  Kevin — Isolation after double betrayal Wife left for best friend → withdrew from people, closed-door leadership → cross-functional effectiveness down ~40%; silos and delays multiplied.  Maria — Paralysis by over-analysis Business + romantic partner embezzled to fund secret life → hyper-checking, documentation glut → missed time-sensitive opportunities; costly lost trading advantage.  Robert — Purpose lost, pipeline thins Adult son (aided by brother) sued him for "emotional damages" → quit mentoring/junior development → leadership pipeline weakened; burnout → early retirement.  Andrea (self-betrayal) — Successful but misaligned Pressured away from teaching into law → chronic fatigue, migraines, disengagement, ~30% billable drop, ~$800k lost potential revenue → leave of absence. The cost wasn't only professional—it was existential.    How to spot it (self-check)  "I don't recognize how I lead or work anymore." (micromanaging, over-prepping, perfectionism)  "My body is louder than my calendar." (gut flares, migraines, insomnia before big decisions)  "I'm here but not really here." (numbness, disengagement, loss of initiative/mentoring)  "I don't trust my read on people." (multiple confirmations for simple tasks, second-guessing)  "I'm productive—but always late." (hyper-vigilant thoroughness that kills timeliness)  "I'm successful—and empty." (self-betrayal: achievement without meaning)    Try this: 6 reflection prompts  Which case felt uncomfortably familiar—and why?  Where does betrayal show up most for you: body, mind, or relationships at work?  What do you over-do (control, analyze, isolate) to feel safer—and what does it cost?  Which responsibility did you stop (mentoring, initiating, pitching) after the rupture?  What would "Stage 4–5 me" do differently this week?  If self-betrayal is the theme, what small act of alignment could you take in 72 hours?    If you lead a team (HR, managers, execs)  Watch for sudden style flips (empowering → micromanaging; creative → conventional).  Replace "performance policing" with support + boundaries (clear priorities, fewer approvals, flexible micro-rest).  Offer psychological safety + access to evidence-based healing resources; normalize PTO for real recovery.  Protect culture carriers (your "Davids")—and rebuild when they dim.    Practical next steps  Name it: If you recognized yourself, that's progress.  Assess: Take the Post Betrayal Syndrome® indicators seriously (weight, gut, sleep).  Stabilize the body: Basic routines (sleep hygiene, hydration, movement) reduce reactivity.  Skill up: Learn boundaries, rebuild self-trust, and pace decisions during healing.  Advance stages: If you're in Stages 2–3, get guided support to move into 4–5, where creativity, confidence, and connection reliably return.  Share back: Tell Dr. Debi which story resonated most; it helps tailor future episodes.  Memorable lines  "We can try to leave betrayal at the door—but our body and leadership bring it to work."  "Micromanagement is often a trust injury in disguise."  "Success that betrays you is still betrayal."  Resources & links  The PBT Institute — programs, coaches, community: https://thepbtinstitute.com/  Corporate/HR offerings & talks: https://thepbtinstitute.com/corporate/  Tell Dr. Debi which scenario hit home for you, and what you'll try this week. See you next time. 

Betrayal shakes our sense of safety and self-trust—and that lights up fear. In this conversation, fear researcher and author Dr. Mary Poffenroth breaks fear down into plain language and gives you practical, physiology-first tools to calm the brain in the moment. We cover how fear hijacks the amygdala (your alarm system), how to bring the prefrontal cortex (clear thinking) back online, and how to tell the difference between fictional fears (rumination, future-tripping) and non-fictional fears (real, in-the-moment cues). You'll leave with quick exercises you can do anywhere—no apps, no gear, no supplements.  What we cover  Why high-achievers and "head types" often research their feelings instead of feeling them—and how that becomes a hidden avoidance loop.  How fear shows up after betrayal: fear of change, of the unknown, of failure and success, and the loss of control those trigger.  The RAIN framework to move through fear step by step: Recognize, Assign, Identify, Navigate.   Two fast neurohacks you can use anywhere:  Pinch the Valley: massage the meaty point between thumb and index finger to stimulate the vagus nerve and down-shift arousal.   Near & Far (convergence drill): track a finger/pen from arm's length to your nose and back to engage convergence and cue parasympathetic "rest & digest."  The nervous-system bus: only one driver at a time (sympathetic fight/flight vs. parasympathetic rest/digest) and how to switch drivers on purpose.  Fictional vs. non-fictional fear (sometimes called "dirty vs. clean" in the literature): how to stop feeding rumination and respond to real-time signals.  The two big "buckets" behind most fictional fears: "I'm not enough" and "I'm losing control." How labeling one calms the spiral.    Try-it-now tools (step-by-step)  Pinch the Valley (vagus nerve reset)  Make an "L" with one hand (thumb + index).  With the other hand's thumb and index, massage the firm, meaty point where the thumb and index finger bones meet (below the web).  30–60 seconds per hand while breathing slowly. Expect a subtle down-shift in agitation; repeat as needed.   Near & Far (convergence reset)  Hold a finger or pen at arm's length; softly focus on it.  Slowly bring it toward the bridge of your nose until it blurs/doubles, then return to arm's length.  Repeat 5–8 times to help re-engage focus and cue parasympathetic tone.  RAIN (micro-walkthrough)  Recognize: Name the body cues (tight jaw, racing heart).  Assign: "This is fear arousal." (Not anger, not shame—fear.)  Identify: Is this fictional (story/rumination) or non-fictional (real cue)? If fictional, which bucket: not enough or loss of control?  Navigate: Pick one action (boundary, breath, call a friend, make the ask).  Notable quotes  "We spend so much time pretending fear doesn't exist—and that just drives it underground." —Dr. Mary  "When the amygdala is lit, the prefrontal cortex goes dim. Get your body safe first; the smart ideas return second."  "Healthy distractions—work, fitness, staying busy—can still be avoidance."  "Label it: fictional or non-fictional. Then choose a move." —Dr. Mary  "What we feed grows. Let's feed courage with small, repeatable actions."    Who this episode is for  Anyone navigating betrayal who feels stuck between fear and next steps.  Practitioners and leaders who need simple, teachable fear tools.  High-performers who think their feelings and want body-based resets.    Resources & guest links  Dr. Mary Poffenroth — official site (book, speaking, downloads). Mary Poffenroth  Brave New You (book) — science-backed strategies, tools, and neurohacks to live more courageously.   RAIN Method & Neurohacking Downloads (infographic + mini-deck). Mary Poffenroth  Resources    Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz: Learn if you have been impacted by a past betrayal.  For the betrayed – Reclaim: Heal from your betrayal and take your life back.    If this helped, share it with someone who's rebuilding after betrayal. Try one tool today (20–60 seconds), then repeat tomorrow. Small reps build big courage.

Family betrayal cuts deeper than almost any other wound. These are the very people we expect to love, guide, and protect us—and when they break that trust, the pain is overwhelming and confusing.  In this episode, Dr. Debi Silber explores how early family betrayals shape our beliefs, relationships, health, and work. She shares her own personal story of family betrayal, how she questioned the beliefs she was raised with, and how breaking those patterns became the foundation for her healing and her life's work.  Dr. Debi also highlights the journey of a PBT member who discovered how guilt and manipulation had silently dictated her family dynamics for decades—and what happens when those tactics stop working.  This conversation sheds light on:  Why family betrayal can feel so disorienting and devastating.  The progression from "It must be me" → "Maybe it's not me." "What if it's them?" → "It's them."  How beliefs formed in childhood can carry into adult relationships, health, and career.  The painful but powerful process of setting new boundaries, even when it means losing relationships.  Why betrayal often gets worse before it gets better when you change the rules.  The ripple effects of unhealed early betrayal, including repeat betrayals, health struggles, and workplace challenges.  What changes when you do the work to heal, rebuild, and move through the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough.  Through her personal experiences and decades of research, Dr. Debi shows why cleaning up these early betrayals is essential to living a life that is healthy, fulfilling, and aligned with your true worth.    ✨ Resources & Links Mentioned in This Episode  Learn more about the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough inside the Reclaim program: thepbtinstitute.com/reclaim  Coaches & practitioners: explore how to add betrayal recovery to your toolkit in the Certification Masterclass: thepbtinstitute.com/certification-masterclass    💡 Key Takeaway: When you stop believing betrayal was your fault and begin rewriting the rules, you open the door to healing, stronger relationships, and a life built on self-worth and boundaries. 

In this episode, Dr. Debi sits down with Tim Wienecke, Air Force veteran, licensed clinician, and host of American Masculinity. Tim brings a rare and necessary perspective on the often-overlooked intersection of men, betrayal, and moral injury—a form of trauma that arises when individuals are forced to act against their own values, often within systems they once trusted.  Together, we explore:  What moral injury is and how it differs from (yet intertwines with) betrayal trauma.  How men process betrayal differently from women, often turning to control or isolation instead of vulnerability.  The heavy repercussions of military service, including drone operations, systemic failures, and the lifelong burden of collateral consequences.  The side-by-side bonding style of men and why creating safe, non-confrontational spaces is critical for healing.  The difference between boundaries and control—and why confusing the two can lead to unhealthy, even abusive, dynamics.  How shame operates as a silencer for men and why true healing requires trusted groups who can reflect compassion and accountability.  Practical tools for supporting men through betrayal, including reflective listening, meeting them in their own language (emotional, kinetic, or thought-based), and recognizing control behaviors early.  Tim also shares deeply personal insights from his own service, how he came to understand moral injury in his work with veterans and first responders, and why America's conversation around masculinity needs far more nuance than the oversimplified narratives we often hear.  Whether you're a clinician, a partner, or someone healing from betrayal yourself, this conversation opens up vital new ways of understanding how men carry trauma, how it shows up, and what can truly help them heal.  Learn More About Tim Wienecke  Visit americanmasculinity.com for his counseling services, podcast, and tools designed for men navigating betrayal, moral injury, and masculinity in today's world.  More Resources  The PBT Institute: Break free from the pain of betrayal and find safety, love, and trust again.  For the betrayed – Reclaim: Heal from your betrayal and take your life back.  For the betrayer – Rebuild: Heal yourself and help heal the heart you broke.  Take the Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz – Post-Betrayal Syndrome Quiz 

From gang life and juvenile detention to martial arts mastery and life coaching - Sensei Dave Armstrong's journey is a testament to human resilience. After facing prostate cancer at 50 and experiencing profound betrayal when his wife of 11 years left during his darkest hour, Dave shares the powerful tools that helped him rebuild and find hope again. Living retired in Greece with an ocean view, he now dedicates his life to helping others transform their trauma into strength.  Sensei Dave Armstrong is a resilience coach, martial arts instructor, author, and motivational speaker. Having overcome gang involvement, foster care, juvenile detention, and illiteracy, Dave now lives in Greece and helps others navigate life's most challenging moments. He's the author of "Why Me, My Fight for Life" and holds a degree in psychology.  Key Takeaways  The Power of Perspective  "Why not you?" - We're not exempt from life's challenges, and that's okay  Trauma can either define you negatively or fuel your growth - you choose  Building internal strength is like developing a muscle - it requires consistent practice  Boundaries as Non-Negotiables  Clear boundaries prevent neediness from driving poor decisions  Some boundaries have no margin for compromise  Weak boundaries create unnecessary chaos in your life  The Healing Process  Don't rush to fill voids with new relationships during healing  Allow yourself to feel difficult emotions without forcing solutions  Have multiple "tools" ready for different emotional scenarios  Building Resilience Through Mentorship  Quality mentors can change the trajectory of your entire life  Hope is the foundation for all positive change  Self-confidence develops through successfully navigating challenges  Notable Quotes  "I was never hopeless. I was always hopeful. And that's what I try to instill - because even if you don't have the skill sets, there's hope to acquire and change."  "We have agency over our response to trauma. Why not choose the positive impact rather than the negative?"  "I see the God in everyone. Unfortunately, life will start to hit us and we'll harden our shell. But you can't get out of what you've built to protect yourself."  Timestamps  [00:00] Introduction to Sensei Dave Armstrong  [05:30] Cancer diagnosis and betrayal story  [12:15] Childhood trauma and gang involvement  [18:45] The mentors who saved his life  [25:20] Developing resilience as a skill  [32:10] Setting and maintaining boundaries  [38:45] The healing journey after betrayal  [44:30] Current life philosophy and message  Resources  Book: "Why Me, My Fight for Life" by Dave Armstrong  Website: www.senseidave.com  One-on-one coaching: upna.net  Instagram: @MrMotivation  ThePBTInstitute.com  The PBT Institute Certification Program 

When betrayal and divorce collide, the emotional toll is staggering—but the financial consequences can be just as devastating. In this candid and deeply informative episode, Dr. Debi sits down with financial strategist and divorce expert Gabriella Martinelli to unpack one of the most overlooked yet critical aspects of betrayal recovery: understanding and managing your money when trust has been shattered.  With over 20 years of experience in the legal and financial world, Gabriella has guided countless clients through high-stakes divorces—many complicated by hidden spending, concealed accounts, and the gut-punch of financial infidelity. She explains why divorce is not just a legal process, but also a financial untangling that demands clarity, documentation, and strategic thinking—especially when betrayal is part of the story.  You'll learn:  The double impact of betrayal and divorce — how emotional pain clouds financial decisions, and why clarity is your most valuable asset.  What financial infidelity really looks like — from hidden credit cards and drained savings to funds spent on an affair partner.  Why anger-driven decisions can sabotage your future — and how to shift your focus from revenge to building a secure next chapter.  The role of mistrust in decision-making — and why even hard data can feel impossible to believe after betrayal.  Steps to take immediately — including how to gather financial records, understand your credit report, and identify accounts you didn't know existed.  The importance of a multidisciplinary "divorce team" — legal, financial, and emotional support working together to protect your best interests.  Gabriella shares powerful real-life stories—from clients paralyzed by suspicion, to those who risked their future on proving a point, to those who found the strength to pivot toward empowerment instead. She also dismantles the Hollywood myth of "getting your day in court" and the cathartic speech that makes the betrayer pay—revealing the practical reality of how courts actually operate.  If you've been blindsided by betrayal, are navigating divorce, or suspect financial infidelity, this conversation offers both hard truths and hope. Gabriella and Dr. Debi walk you through the mindset shifts, tactical steps, and strategic support you need to move forward—not just financially stable, but emotionally stronger and in control of your next chapter.  Resources:  Gabriella's site: https://www.everafterwealth.com  Gabriella's email: [email protected]  The 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough: https://thepbtinstitute.com/reclaim  The Rebuild Program (For those who betrayed and want to heal): https://thepbtinstitute.com/rebuild/  The PBT Institute Community (Join the healing conversation): https://thepbtinstitute.com   

In this deeply vulnerable and empowering episode, I sit down with author, speaker, and somatic practitioner, Laurie James, to unpack her remarkable journey from decades of nervous system dysregulation to deep, body-based healing.  Laurie's story begins in childhood, where she endured the pain of adoption complexities, sibling abuse, and growing up in a home where she never felt truly safe. These early experiences planted the seeds of hypervigilance, self-worth struggles, and an ongoing search for belonging.  Fast forward to adulthood, Laurie faced multiple betrayals in her marriage—one that shook her to her core when her then-husband violated her deepest boundary by contacting her birth mother against her wishes, and another that emerged as a major financial betrayal impacting their family. Layered with years of caregiving for her aging parents, the stress built silently in her body until it erupted as a severe health crisis.  Laurie shares openly how chronic stress and unresolved trauma manifested physically—gut issues, anxiety, sleep disruption—and how years of talk therapy alone couldn't release what was stored in her body. The turning point came when she discovered somatic experiencing—a therapeutic approach that helps release trauma from the nervous system through gentle body awareness practices.  In our conversation, Laurie explains:  Why trauma lives in the body and can cause chronic dysregulation for decades  The physical symptoms and health issues that can stem from betrayal and unresolved trauma  How somatic experiencing works and why it was the missing piece in her healing  Practical examples of self-regulation tools you can try right now  How to build a personalized nervous system regulation toolkit  The importance of curiosity, presence, and "nourishing" difficult emotions rather than avoiding them  If you've ever wondered why you can't "think" your way out of anxiety, hypervigilance, or betrayal pain—this episode will give you a new perspective and hope. Lourie's story is proof that even after decades of dysregulation, it is possible to find safety, stability, and healing in your own body again.  Resources:  Laurie James: https://www.laurieejames.com  The 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough: https://thepbtinstitute.com/reclaim/  PBT Certification Info: https://thepbtinstitute.com/get-certified  

In this deeply moving episode, Dr. Debi Silber is joined by author and transformational guide Megan Walrod, whose debut novel It's Always Been Me is not just a story—it's a healing journey. What began as a personal process to move through her own betrayal turned into a breathtaking fictional narrative that reflects the five stages from betrayal to breakthrough.  Megan shares how writing the character of Sabina, a woman who loses herself while supporting her partner's dream, became a powerful tool for reclaiming her voice and healing old wounds. Through this conversation, you'll hear how creative expression, emotional release, and reconnection with intuition can become catalysts for transformation after heartbreak.  This episode is a powerful reminder: even when your life doesn't look like the story you thought you'd live, you can write a new one—and become the main character of your own life.  🧠 What You'll Learn in This Episode:  Why betrayal often invites us to reclaim buried dreams and lost parts of ourselves  How writing can be a powerful tool for healing  The difference between supporting others and losing yourself  How to reconnect with your intuition after it's been dismissed or doubted  Why emotional expression (even messy or angry) is necessary for healing  What it means to become the main character of your own life  How Megan's novel It's Always Been Me mirrors the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough  📚 About the Guest:  Megan Walrod is an author, speaker, and guide who helps women reclaim their voice, write their truth, and live a life aligned with their deepest desires. Her debut novel, It's Always Been Me, is a fictionalized yet soul-baring exploration of healing after betrayal. The book includes free reflection questions and book group prompts, available at meganwalrod.com/book.  📘 Mentioned in the Episode:  Megan Walrod's novel: It's Always Been Me. Find it here: https://www.meganwalrod.com/book   The 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (learn more at thepbtinstitute.com)  Painting, journaling, and creative expression as tools for trauma recovery 

📝 Episode Summary:  In this heart-opening episode, Dr. Debi Silber sits down with PBT® Coach Lisa Teichmiller to explore the essential—but often overlooked—role of grief in the betrayal recovery journey. Lisa shares her personal story of navigating betrayal not just in her marriage, but in her business and identity, offering a raw and relatable testimony of what it takes to truly rebuild from the inside out.  Together, Dr. Debi and Lisa discuss:  Why grief is not a weakness but a necessary step to healing  The emotional weight of betrayal and how it shatters trust and identity  The five stages of grief and how acceptance becomes the turning point  Why rebuilding your life requires choosing new "bricks" with intention  The link between grief, clarity, and designing a life that reflects your worth  How journaling can help process suppressed emotions and reconnect with your intuition  The importance of safe, supportive spaces in healing—especially when betrayal goes beyond romantic relationships  Lisa brings both wisdom and warmth as she explains how honoring grief leads to powerful transformation, and how walking through the fire can uncover who you were truly meant to be.  🔗 Connect with Lisa:  The PBT Institute Reclaim Program https://thepbtinstitute.com/reclaim/    🌐 LisaTeichmiller.com  📸 Instagram: @lisateichmiller  💬 Favorite Quotes:  "Your heart is working. That means you're still here—not all is lost." "Grief is not weakness. It's clarity, it's healing, and it's the foundation of transformation." "Don't go to the same brick quarry. You're building something new." 

In this powerful episode, Dr. Debi Silber dives into one of the most misunderstood yet essential parts of healing after betrayal: forgiveness. She explores forgiveness from two sides—forgiving ourselves and forgiving others—and unpacks the deep misconceptions that keep people stuck in pain, resentment, and confusion.  You'll learn why forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation, how it affects your physical, emotional, and mental health, and why self-forgiveness is just as important—if not more—than forgiving the person who hurt you. Dr. Debi also introduces the Window of Willingness, a framework to help you determine whether it's safe (or even wise) to rebuild with someone after betrayal.  Plus, in honor of National Forgiveness Day (founded by Dr. Debi and held every year on September 1st), you'll hear about the 21-day forgiveness experience that has helped countless people move from pain to peace. If you've been holding on to anger, shame, guilt, or heartbreak—this episode is your invitation to finally let it go.  🔑 What You'll Learn:  The difference between forgiveness and rebuilding  Why forgiveness is for you, not them  How to know when it's safe to reconcile  What the Window of Willingness tells you about the betrayer's readiness  How self-forgiveness begins the healing process  Why cultural pressure to "forgive and forget" often backfires  A fresh take on forgiving without enabling  📘 Mentioned in the Episode:  Trust Again by Dr. Debi Silber  NationalForgivenessDay.com – Join the 21-day Forgiveness Transformation Program    🎁 Ready to Begin Forgiving—On Your Own Terms? Join us for the 21-Day Forgiveness Transformation Program starting September 1st. It's now a self-paced program filled with inspiration, daily actions, a forgiveness tracker, and powerful stories to support your healing. Sign up at nationalforgivenessday.com  What is forgiveness—and what isn't it? Learn the truth about forgiving yourself and others after betrayal, plus how to know when (or if) to rebuild trust.