#88 - Ow, I'm Awake

Episode 93: Greetings dudes and dudettes! We heard some of you were getting worried that DBAI had gone dark. Well have no fear, Episode 93 is finally here! Now grab a beer and listen very clear, because it’s the first official episode of the year! So give a cheer and hug a deer. And if that deer should look at you rather queer…well...just don’t worry about it, I guess. WE will tell YOU when to worry. Worry when pigs fly, dude! You are a particle on a worm in the egg of the universe? Words f l o a t o f f t h e p a g e . . .

Episode 92: HOCUS POCUS, DEMONS CHOKE US, WIND AND RAIN AND SLEET AND SNOW, LET’S GET READY FOR THE SHOW! [Poof!] Did you feel that tenner leave your pocket just then? No? Good, nevermind. Welcome to Don’t Be An Idiom! If you’re looking for a little bit of word history and a lotta bit of charming anecdotes we’ve got buttloads of both! Speaking of butts, why don’t you park yours on your favorite senator’s lawn and crank Episode 92 up until the cops take you, dead or alive! VIVA LA IDIOMA!!

Episode 91: [Sirens blare] Attention pathetic inhabitants of planet Earth! We have entered your atmosphere and you like didn’t even know it. We are here to inform you that you are basically the turds of the universe. Your overinflated egos are an ironic and laughable contrast to your milquetoast approach to “science” and exploration. I put science in quotes because what you call “science” is less advanced than what we call “dogs” are capable of on our planet. We are obviously also here to conquer you and absorb your planet’s pitiful excuse for resources. We don’t even really need them; we just want to watch you squirm like the sad sour rat-maggots that you are. And don’t bother taxing your small brains with the idea of defending yourselves. Our superior weaponry would literally leave your unborn great grandchildren punch drunk in several alternate dimensions. Yes, we have that technology. So you might as well sit back, try to relax and prepare yourselves for audial probing. There are worse things than listening to Episode 91 of Don’t Be An Idiom. Cross our seven squid hearts and hope to BLORX!

If you're looking to get your creep on, you've come to the right place: the eighteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. We'll be setting sail for the Orkney Islands in today's episode and you may want to watch what you eat, because if you catch sight of the Nuckelavee, you're probably going to upchuck. We suggest a nice hot plate of haggis, neeps, and tatties (and be sure to stay close to fresh water). Later, we'll be heating things up with the charming Mongolian Death Worm who has been known to slither around the Gobi Desert. Hold onto your butt if you've got a desert cruise planned for the summer! Get them ears pointy, them fangs sharpened up, those eyes yellow and glowing, and throw in your headphones; it's monster huntin' time.

Episode 90: Have you ever ridden your bicycle through the woods and heard the paper-crinkle sound of two husks of men stumbling over the detritus of a thousand seasons reaching towards your back wheel? And when you look back, you aren't even freaked out or concerned just completely bewildered by the spectacle because you've never seen such shells of men before with sunken eyes and lizard grey skin? And you quickly realize that these unfortunate entities are not after your bicycle wheels or brand new Wellingtons but are instead ravenous for your satchel of eggs which you have foolishly let hang down well below your waist? And although you can't be sure, you know if you bear witness to the consumption of these eggs by these two worthless wraiths, it just might make you so sick that you could never eat an egg again? Well if so, then this episode is a lot like that and you can rest assured that you've already been around the block and know what's about to go down. So give in to Episode 90 and celebrate another ten episodes with Albert and Ryan with a wee toast. We promise to get you back in bed by 8pm sharp where you can be as snug as a bug in a rug.

Episode 89: Upsa-daisy, biscuits and gravy, mama’s in the kitchen with the Michelin baby. Papa’s in the woodshed, he can’t stop...sharpening his ax for the Gordian knot. Onesie, twosie, threesie, foursie, tax man’s knocking at the doorsie. Mama throws the gravy in his face; Papa swings his ax and their debt’s erased! Enjoy episode eighty-ninezy. It’s a doozy!

If it's April 1st, it must be time for another serving of Let's Get A Strombo—the only podcast dedicated to the tastiest pizza shop treat this side of the Marinara River. With the bells to prove it, the boys have put in the work and not only surfed a wave of agita over the past few weeks, but delved into the deepest pools of philosophy surrounding the famed strombo. You'll hear so much about strombos, you might need to pause to get the grease out o' your ears! So loosen that belt and hit play for it is time to get a strombo.

Episode 88: Horsefeathers! Episode 88 already? I say, I say, where does the time go? The boys are back, tight, and rock hard with a FULL episode…song and everything! We were feeling like the low man on the totem pole there for a minute, but we’re back on top now baby! But is that actually a good thing? Listen now and find out.

Episode 87: When in Rome, do as the Romans do...and this week Albert and Ryan visited Sickboy Land where two customs reign supreme: delay releasing one's podcast and run out of time to write an end-of-the-episode song. However, the boys ain't the type to draw legs on a snake and thought it best to give the people what they've got—which is one bebop zoomin' episode that'll make you cover your face in bees and straddle a hog. You can be sure that by the end of the hour you'll be thieving pizza and scream-slobbering at your grandmother about the audacity of the Holy Trinity! Speaking of holy trinities, we are now accepting mail to our PO Box in Philadelphia and strictly accepting bowls of macarooni, jugs of wine, and cigarettes. Snail mail us asap for a chance to be included in our annual Lupercalia Festival raffle! Make some noise with the idiom boys and kick start the internal combustion engine that is Episode 87. End song courtesy of New York thrash/metalcore gods Zombie Apocalypse.

Episode 86: Maaaaaaaan! Y’all are the lowest, lousiest buncha flea-bitten scum suckers I ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on! I mean, really. What is the deal with your whole face-head? I say, I’ve got a right mind to scatter all you lily-livered polecats to the freakin’ four winds! On the other hand, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime! I can see the headlines now: SWARTHY PODCAST GOONS LICK MILQUETOAST AUDIENCE INTO SHAPE FOR LOW, LOW PRICE $$ WOMEN SWOON IN THEIR PRESENCE! MEN SWOON AT THE THOUGHT OF WOMEN SWOONING! “IT’S LOLLAPASWOONSA OVA HEEEERE!” REMARKS GEORGE SWOONEY. Alright, I’ve made up my mind. I’ll do it! Just a couple quick caveats first. I don’t do weekends, holidays, bathrooms, laundry, or kissing. What I do on my personal time is my business. MY BUSINESS, YA GOT THAT?! So yeah, listen to Episode 86 and become a version of yourself that doesn’t suck eggs quite as much.