Connection, Not Compliance (with Elijah Runyan)| Connected Parenting

Your partner is on the couch at the end of the day while everything around them needs doing. What story do you tell yourself? Psychologist and author Meg Tuohey works with women whose relationships are in crisis, especially neurodivergent women, after everything else has failed. In this conversation with Dr Glenn and Phyllis, she explains how understanding the way someone is wired changes "you don't care about me" into curiosity, and how coming home to yourself changes a whole family. Dr Glenn and Phyllis share their own story, from straws lined up with the logo to hangers spaced one inch apart.In this episode:•What neurodivergence and "neurocomplexity" mean, and why so many adults are only finding out in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s•The couch moment: replacing judgment with curiosity when your partner seems checked out•The shame, guilt, and unprocessed grief that come from growing up misunderstood•Dr Glenn and Phyllis on the early years of marriage before they had language for Glenn's wiring•Heartprint: finding your inner "wise woman, good man, or wise person"•Why this kind of conversation still feels countercultural, and why people are so thirsty for it.About Meg Tuohey: Meg Tuohey is a psychologist who has spent nine years running a virtual practice for women in relationships in crisis, with a specialty in neurodivergent women and neurocomplexity. She is the author of Heartprint, a story-driven guide to befriending your inner wisdom, and host of the Wisdom Stripes podcast, where she distills other people's hard-won wisdom.Resources mentioned:📖Heartprint by Meg Tuohey 🎙️Wisdom Stripes podcast 🪢Find Meg 🛞Free Core Emotion Wheel 🫱🏼‍🫲🏽Find a Certified Connection Codes Coach 🏛️The Connection Codes Masterclasses

You spent years hearing "no, no, no." Then you got married, and nobody told you what to do with "yes." In this listener Q&A, Dr Glenn and Phyllis Hill take your questions about sexuality and intimacy: how to heal from purity culture, where to get help for a sexless marriage, and what to do when sex is still painful two years in. They're open about their own 44-year story, including a hard wedding night, decades of misses, and the moment Glenn realized he was "the pain source." They close by walking through live Core Emotion Wheels on sexuality so you can hear what processing sounds like.In this episode:•Why there's no "switch" that flips from no to yes on your wedding day, and what your body is doing instead•The jet ski analogy: why a fun experience can feel like danger to a body that never learned to swim•"Totally correct and absolutely wrong": following your partner's energy instead of winning the court case•How to choose help for a sexless marriage (sex therapist, counselor, or coach) and why who you see matters•Why technique and "new positions" won't fix a disconnected or unsafe relationship•Sex should never involve unwanted pain, and what to do when it still hurts•Glenn and Phyllis each walk through an issue-specific Core Emotion Wheel on their sexual journeyHave a question for a future episode? Send it to us on Instagram @connectioncodes or email [email protected] Questions are always anonymous.Resources mentioned:🎡Free Core Emotion Wheel 🏛️Masterclasses🫱🏼‍🫲🏽Find a Certified Connection Codes Coach🛳️Connection Codes Cruise 2027 💌Join The Connection Codes Community

For the first time ever, the whole Connection Codes team is on the podcast together. Dr Glenn, Phyllis, Elijah, Laurel, Montse, and Jonathan look back on the 2026 Connection Codes Cruise: the rough start, the late-night emotion charades, the couples who worked through misses in front of the group, and the friendships that formed in a single week. It's a picture of what community can look like when everyone shares the same language for what's happening inside them. And it ends with a big announcement: the 2027 Connection Codes Cruise to Alaska.In this episode:•Phyllis on the Fear and Shame she carried into the first night (and what happened when people arrived)•Why deep sharing was never meant to happen only in a therapist's office•What changes when conversations start with "What happened for you last week?" instead of "What do you do?"•Working through a miss in front of a safe group instead of hiding in your cabin•Laurel on holding Sad and Joy at the same time while missing the trip•The Connection Codes games, emotion charades, and the infamous poker tournament•Montse and Jonathan close the episode with the Core Emotion Wheel•Details on the 2027 Connection Codes cruise: 7 days to Alaska, departing Vancouver on July 24, 2027, and the heart behind this upcoming cruise.🛳️Join us on the 2027 cruise: Until the end of October, you can save your spot on the cruise for only $25 as a deposit; check all the details on the link above. If you have any questions, email us at [email protected] info & deposit → https://traveljoy.com/bookings/WU8dBci8cg5vBKkpeD7YkRnEGet the Core Emotion Wheel: https://connectioncodes.co/cew

We're starting something new: Connected Parenting on our podcast, a monthly conversation on how to practice Connection Codes in parenting. Dr Glenn and Phyllis are joined by The Connection Codes COO Elijah Runyan, a dad of four (almost all teenagers!), to talk about what changed when he and his wife Christina chose connection over compliance. They get honest about the reflexive "no," the parent who smells smoke everywhere, and why so much of parenting is actually about what's happening inside us. If you've ever been told teenagers are supposed to hate their parents, this one is for you.In this episode:•Why parenting can be a bigger disconnect between spouses than we realize•"Connection, not compliance" and the long-term relationship you're actually building•The parent who smells smoke all the time, and the candle reframe that calms the nervous system•Saying "Ooh, fear" out loud instead of an automatic no•Why arbitrary decisions tell kids "I don't trust you"•"You don't get a vote, but you do get a voice"About Elijah Runyan: Elijah is the COO of The Connection Codes and a dad of four. He and his wife Christina have used the Connection Codes tools through their kids' entire transition into the teenage years, and today their teenagers actually want to hang out with them in the kitchen at night. Elijah is also a certified Connection Codes coach and directs the Connection Codes coaching program.Got a parenting question? Send it to [email protected]. We'll be answering your questions in upcoming Connected Parenting episodes.Resources mentioned:🪢Connected Parenting course → https://connectioncodes.co/courses/connected-parenting🛞Free Core Emotion Wheel →https://connectioncodes.co/cew🫱🏼‍🫲🏽Find a certified coach → https://connectioncodes.co/coaches🛳️Connection Codes Cruise 2027 → https://traveljoy.com/bookings/WU8dBci8cg5vBKkpeD7YkRnE

Most of us think clutter is a stuff problem. Organizing coach Tracy Hoth has spent 18 years learning it's usually something else: a skill we were never taught, a belief we picked up as kids, or an emotion we'd rather not feel. In this conversation, Tracy, Dr Glenn, and Phyllis Hill talk about why hired organizers rarely make a lasting difference, why clutter tolerance causes so much conflict between couples, and what Phyllis discovered alone in a house full of boxes the Monday after a move. Then Tracy sits down with the Core Emotion Wheel for the first time — and finds out just how much was already in there.In this episode:•Why "we don't outperform our identity," and how to rewrite the "I'm just messy" story•Tracy's SPACE method: Sort, Purge, Assign homes, Contain, Energize•The simple definition of organized that brings people relief (hint: it doesn't look like Instagram)•Clutter tolerance, and why it causes so much tension in relationships•Co-regulation, cortisol, and why getting help with your home isn't a weakness•Why "overwhelmed" isn't an emotion, and what's usually underneath it.About Tracy Hoth: Tracy is an organizing coach with 18 years of experience helping people organize their homes, offices, and businesses. After becoming a certified life coach in 2018, she began combining the practical skill of organizing with mindset and identity work, because the systems only last when what we believe about ourselves changes too. She leads the Organize Life Academy, hosts The Organized Coach podcast, and works with clients one-on-one.Find Tracy: Website → https://simplysquaredaway.com/Free 15-Minute Declutter Challenge → https://training.simplysquaredaway.com/declutterResources mentioned:Free Core Emotion Wheel → https://connectioncodes.co/cewMasterclasses → https://connectioncodes.co/coursesThe Connection Codes Community → https://connectioncodes.co/community

We say it all the time: "You need to process that." But what does that actually mean? John Kilmer is back with Glenn and Phyllis to answer the question so many people are quietly asking, and the answer is simpler and more physical than you might think. Through Phyllis's childhood memory of being told she couldn't make a sound, her mother's pattern of getting sick after hard news, and John's year of crying in his car after 20 years without tears, this conversation shows what happens when emotion stays stuck in the body. You'll walk away with three simple ways to start processing today: move, breathe, and make a sound.In this episode:•What "processing" an emotion really means, and the three ways to do it: movement, breath, and sound•Why naming the core emotion out loud makes a difference (even at the grocery store)•The emotional dam: why a "breakdown" never really happens on a Tuesday morning•Phyllis's mom, the bronchitis pattern, and what unprocessed emotion can do to the body•John's tip for when you can't feel it yet: ask, "What would my body do if it felt this?"•Why getting outside helps, and why "nature is a big Ooh" About John Kilmer: John is an occupational therapist and Connection Codes certified coach with a deeply somatic, body-centered approach to emotional health. On his last visit, he led Glenn and Phyllis through the Core Emotion Wheel using sounds instead of words. He's currently writing a children's book about emotional health for families.Resources mentioned:•The Core Emotion Wheel → https://connectioncodes.co/cew•Find a certified Connection Codes coach → https://connectioncodes.co/coaches•Reach John Kilmer directly → mailto:[email protected]•John Kilmer's book documentary → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUBjxH2k1Yg•Join our community → https://app.connectioncodes.co/

Elijah woke up one morning with a familiar weight on his chest. It was the start of the kind of heaviness that had cost him two to three weeks with his people, over and over, for years. This time he caught it. He named what was happening, and then he made the harder choice: he answered his wife Christina's call and let her in. Dr Glenn and Phyllis Hill unpack why isolation can feel safer than connection, why staying silent is less kind than speaking, and what it looks like to step out of psycholation and into relationship, sometimes in as little as three minutes.In this episode:•Why familiar pain (shame, heaviness, loneliness) can feel safer than letting someone in•Psycholation: the psychological isolation that turns a hard morning into a lost month•Catching the pattern early and using the Core Emotion Wheel to name what's happening•The "I don't want to burden them" myth, and why not telling is less kind•"You're communicating it either way": how silence gets filled in with nineteen wrong guesses•Phyllis on moving day: loneliness, tears, and the text that changed everything•Glenn on why we don't need to pathologize people in order to be present with themAbout Elijah Runyan: Elijah is a certified Connection Codes coach, directs the Connection Codes coaching program, and serves as COO in The Connection Codes, wearing many hats to keep the mission running. He has been married to Christina for 20 years and teaches couples and individuals the same tools he shares so honestly here.Resources mentioned:🛞Free Core Emotion Wheel → https://connectioncodes.co/cew🫂Join the Connection Codes community (free) → https://app.connectioncodes.co/signup?invite=getstarted🪢Connected Marriage master class → https://connectioncodes.co/courses💪🏽Connect with Elijah → https://www.runyanstronghealth.com/📧Questions? Email us at: [email protected]

Dr Glenn and Phyllis Hill are recording from a new house, surrounded by half-unpacked boxes, and the conversation turns to something some of us haven't fully unpacked either: grief. Phyllis opens up about the thirteen years since her mom died and the fact that she doesn't remember crying, or anyone asking her what was happening for her. Dr Glenn names the thing most of us do instead: spiritual bypass, where we throw a scripture or a prayer over someone's pain so the conversation can end and nobody has to feel it. It's rarely malicious. It's almost always well-intentioned. And it shuts people down anyway. This episode is about what it costs us, and what Jesus did instead when he stood outside Lazarus's tomb, already knowing how the story ended.In this episode:•Why mirror neurons make us rush to fix other people's pain and why it's not a faith thing; it's a human thing•Spiritual bypass: what it is, why it sounds so right, and how it ends the conversation•Phyllis on losing her mom at 90 and still not being ready and the questions nobody asked her•Jesus with Mary and Martha: he had the miracle in hand and still chose to weep first•"You can be totally correct and absolutely wrong at the same time"•Why no emotion is negative•What we teach kids when we say "you're fine" and why the 15-year-old won't open up nowResources mentioned:🛞The Core Emotion Wheel (free download) → https://connectioncodes.co/cew🖥️Our Blog: https://connectioncodes.co/blog🫱🏼‍🫲🏽Work with a Certified Connection Codes Coach → https://connectioncodes.co/coaches❤️‍🔥Connection codes courses → https://connectioncodes.co/coursesEmail us: [email protected]

Two weeks before we hit record, Andrew came home white-faced and said, "Are you sitting down?" He'd been let go with no warning, and because their family's entire life in the U.S. is tied to that one job, this wasn't a setback; it was a sinkhole. In this episode, our dear friends and certified Connection Codes coaches Andrew and Lara Pilcher let us in on the rawest two weeks of their lives: the fear, the shame of asking for help, the community that showed up, and what it looks like to run the Core Emotion Wheel when everything is actually on the line. It's tender, it's honest, and it's a picture of emotion as information in real time.In this episode:•Why Andrew's sudden termination is a "sinkhole, not a bump" — and how a visa clock changes everything•The moment Lara chose to sit in the pit with Andrew instead of fixing it•Owning your story: how Andrew wrote farewell letters to every colleague — even the one who let him go•"Social capital zero" — rebuilding friendship from scratch by throwing a wide net (and lighting a front-yard fire pit)•The shame that shows up around asking for help — and why the human condition is actually to ask•Phyllis' own dam break: naming a wave of sadness out loud and feeling her body change•Lara and Andrew wheeling it out live — anger, hurt, sad, glad, lonely, fear, guilt, and shame, all on the table. About Andrew & Lara Pilcher: Andrew and Lara are Australians raising their family in Atlanta, and certified Connection Codes coaches. Lara is a professional performer, author of Audacious Artistry, and speaker; Andrew is a physical therapist (and ICF PCC coach) who weaves the emotional layer into how he treats performers and clients in chronic pain. They've been part of the Connection Codes family since 2021.Resources mentioned:❤️ Support the Pilchers→ https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-with-pilcher-immigration-costs-after-andrew-lost-workConnect with Lara & Andrew→ https://larabiancapilcher.com/marriageCheck out our courses →https://connectioncodes.co/coursesCore Emotion Wheel (free download) →⁠https://connectioncodes.co/cew⁠

Your nervous system is running the show — and most of us never learned how it works. This week, psychologist Dr. Margaret Nagib joins Dr. Glenn and Phyllis Hill to unpack why the body sounds the alarm, why "sucking it up" actually works (and what it quietly costs you), and why the same protective wiring that shuts you down is also waiting, patiently, to bring you back online. From the smoke alarm that can't tell bacon from a house fire to the fuse box that flips off "aliveness" to keep you safe, Margaret makes the nervous system feel less like a malfunction and more like wisdom. If you've ever felt like your body was working against you, this conversation reframes the whole thing.In this episode:•Why the nervous system is "the gatekeeper of your experience" — and how neuroception decides what's safe before your thoughts get a vote•The difference between regulation and relief — and why survival strategies always cost you eventually•How unprocessed emotion shows up as back pain, tightness, and even suppressed immunity•The fuse-box analogy: how "aliveness, visibility, and desire" get switched off to keep you safe•Why doing the work often feels worse before it feels better ("I feel like I just walked into a storm without a coat")•Phyllis's own story: the year her mom was dying, her body shut down, and "sad" changed everything•Why midlife is the beginning, not the end, of building real capacity.About Dr. Margaret Nagib: Dr. Margaret is a psychologist who integrates faith, psychology, and somatic (nervous-system) work to help people move from surviving to living in full capacity. She's the creator of Full Capacity, a live "school for your nervous system," with round two beginning September 15.Resources mentioned:⦾Join Dr. Margaret Nagib's in Full Capacity nervous-system course (starts Sept 15) ⦾Connect with Dr. Margaret ⦾⁠The Core Emotion Wheel (free download)