Ep. 390: [Soapbox] Easygoing; Hard to Live With

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Jonathan Robinson about using MDMA (ecstasy) with couples to accelerate therapy, emphasizing a legal disclaimer and harm reduction. Robinson describes renewed interest in psychedelic therapies, claims MDMA can make deep couples work happen in hours, and contrasts it with drugs like psilocybin or ketamine because it supports therapeutic interaction without hallucinations. He explains proposed mechanisms (reduced amygdala fear response and increased serotonin/bonding), highlights the importance of set and setting, purity testing, minimizing distractions, and the value of a trained guide plus integration sessions for lasting change. He discusses common reasons couples seek MDMA (trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, relationship issues, spiritual growth), how to choose a guide, contraindications (recent heart attack, antidepressants; caution with psychosis/bipolar), and shares a personal story of MDMA revealing grief underlying marital conflict. Want to know more about Jessa's couples; intensives? https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comBio: Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist, best-selling author of 16 books, and a professional speaker from Northern California. He has reached over 200 million people around the world with his practical methods, and his work has been translated into 47 languages. Mr. Robinson has made numerous appearances on The Oprah Show and CNN, as well as other national TV talk shows. Jonathan’s most recent book is called, “Ecstasy as Medicine: How MDMA Therapy Can Help You Overcome Trauma, Anxiety and Depression…and Feel More Love.” In the book, Jonathan shares the best methods, stories, and ideas he’s learned from leading over 700 MDMA journeys and teaching hundreds of therapists how to do his unique protocol over Zoom. His other books include the bestsellers, “Communication Miracles for Couples,” and “More Love, Less Conflict.”Jonathan is the co-host of the podcast Awareness Explorers, and his websites are: XTCasMedicine.com and FindingHappiness.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman describes a common barrier to seeking help for sexual issues: the fear that if you “open the box” and really look at your sex life, you might discover it’s hopeless—like Schrödinger’s cat being alive or dead. She acknowledges how much courage it takes to address intimacy struggles, but argues that avoidance carries major emotional costs, from growing distance to cringe moments when sex comes up, and years lost to an unfulfilling dynamic. Zimmerman says there is real hope when couples have a fundamentally good relationship, goodwill, and willingness to examine their own contributions and learn new ways of thinking about sex, and she encourages listeners to raise the issue, get support, and work on it sooner rather than later.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Topic Setup01:04 Schrodingers Cat Explained02:05 Fear of Seeking Help03:10 When Sex Can Improve04:58 Cost of Avoidance05:54 Its Not Too Late07:01 Courage to Act07:26 Closing and Credits This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews pelvic work practitioners Ashley Rose and Martin Beaudoin about how pelvic restrictions and misdiagnosed physical issues can contribute to low libido, anorgasmia, dyspareunia, vulvodynia, pudendal neuralgia, and relationship strain. They describe pelvic work as broader than Kegels, involving fascia, nerves, organ positioning, blood and lymph flow, breath, and somatic “interviews” through palpation that can surface emotions and trauma. Martin explains assessing the body first, collaborating with partners when relevant, and using pleasure points and orgasmic response to change physiology and support healing. Ashley outlines a client-led, consent-based “buffet” of tools (somatics, sexology, ethical touch, transpersonal approaches), emphasizing readiness and choice. They discuss trainings, intensives, collaboration with medical and therapeutic providers, and share where to find them online.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Meet The Guests01:27 Why They Do This Work03:39 Pelvic Issues And Sex05:41 Beyond Kegels08:55 Pleasure Anatomy Examples11:34 Client Aha Moments14:32 What Sessions Look Like18:54 Martin Approach And Misdiagnosis24:55 Pleasure As Medicine26:21 Substack Midroll Break27:00 How Fast Results Come27:42 Who This Helps Most29:45 Ethical Pleasure Space32:42 Martin On Symptoms36:32 Trainings And Intensives37:54 Vision With Medicine43:10 Where To Find Them44:29 Podcast Closing CreditsJessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBios:Ashley's somatic and therapeutic work is informed by Somatic Sex Education, Hakomi, IFS, The Beaudoin Method for Pelvic Care, Relational Life Therapy for couples and transpersonal psychology inspired by the text “A Course In Miracles”. Ashley is passionate about people being free to understand and feel their authentic eroticism beyond all the layers life can impose upon individuals. She works with all genders, in an anti-oppression framework, with support for a variety of sexual perspectives, backgrounds and degrees of experience*****Martin's interest in bodywork began at age 14. He was first attracted to energy work, Swedish massage, and Reflexology & quickly developed a passion for anatomy. After a 23 year career as a university professor (Linguistics and Speech Pathology), Martin retired and began working full time as a bodyworker. Since then, Martin has trained in Craniosacral, Structural/Myofascial, Neurokinetic Therapy, Chi Nei Tsang, Karsai Nei Tsang, Thai Massage, Tantric Yoni Massage, Compassionate Inquiry & Visceral Manipulation. His work is a blend of these modalities and a gynaecological model he himself developed to respond to common and complex pelvic issues for women. He has developed various protocols and interventions through clinical research and now runs a school to teach others to do the same. www.beaudoinbodywork.comwww.ashleyelisabethrose.ca This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains how being “easygoing” or people-pleasing—rarely stating preferences and letting a partner decide—can create a hidden burden in relationships. She describes clients who didn’t realize how constant small decisions (meals, plans, TV) led to their partner’s decision fatigue and reduced connection because the partner couldn’t encounter their wants, opinions, and priorities. Zimmerman shares a practical exercise: carrying an object (like Legos) as a reminder to voice “I want/I would like” five times a day, which helped one couple reduce overwhelm and increase mutual satisfaction. She also outlines common roots of easygoing behavior, including being praised for it, growing up around someone with bigger needs, or learning to disconnect from desires to avoid disappointment.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Soapbox Topic Setup01:41 Lego Pocket Exercise02:30 Decision Fatigue Relief04:29 Why Easygoing Hurts05:11 How It Develops06:55 Try a New Habit07:11 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.bettersexpodcast.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Natalie Davis about how her marriage shifted from assumed monogamy to swinging and then polyamory after an affair about 15 years into her relationship. Davis describes early insecurity, rules for safety, and how communication and healing helped her and her husband rebuild trust. She explains kitchen-table polyamory, living in a “resident V” with her husband and his other partner (her metamour), and the mundane realities of sharing a household alongside dating others. They discuss jealousy, consent, STI awareness, the lack of legal protections for non-monogamists, and how polyamory can require “graduate level” communication. Davis shares that she wrote a memoir, Saying Yes: My Adventures in Polyamory, publishing January 13, 2026, and where to find her online.Note: Natalie wanted to make sure to credit the person who coined the word "polyamory" in 1990: Morning Glory Ravenheart Zell00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Meet Natalie Davis01:56 From Monogamy to Poly03:33 Swinging After Infidelity06:23 Healing and Rebuilding Trust11:16 Coming Out and Risks14:11 Writing the Book16:38 Kitchen Table Poly19:09 Life in a Resident V22:54 Jealousy and Communication26:01 Dating Beyond the Household28:16 Sex Life Pros and Cons32:47 Skills for Doing It Well35:21 Book Details and Where to Find36:47 Final Thanks and Wrap UpJessa's quizzes are available:The higher desire partner quiz: https://intimacywithease.com/hdp-higher-desire-partner-mistake-quiz/The lower desire partner quiz: https://intimacywithease.com/ldp-lower-desire-partner-mistake-quiz-organic/BioNatalie Davis is the author of the new poly memoir, "Saying Yes: My Adventures in Polyamory" (pub date Jan. 13, 2026). She is the editor of the online publication Polyamory Today, and her work has appeared in Heart Affairs, Discovering Polyamory, Monogamish, and The Memoirist. Her opinions on polyamory have been published in The Washington Post. She has presented workshops on communication and non-monogamy across the United States. A recovering lawyer, she lives in the Washington, DC, area, with her partner and marvelous metamour. You can find her on Instagram, Medium, and her website as nataliedavisadventures. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this soapbox episode recorded on the road, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman shares a concept from David Schnarch about the natural rhythm of long-term relationships: alternating comfort cycles and growth cycles. Growth cycles require effort, change, and transformation, and when partners do that work they earn a new “normal” they can relax into until the next growth phase arrives. Jessa explains that couples may be pushed into growth by external changes (such as shifts in sexual functioning or illness) or by complacency, routine, and unspoken dissatisfaction when someone avoids “rocking the boat” until it becomes urgent. She reframes these moments as normal opportunities to adapt, refocus, experiment, and reconnect, and reassures listeners that intense effort is usually temporary and leads back to renewed comfort.00:00 Show Intro00:45 On the Road Setup01:09 Comfort and Growth Cycles01:39 How Growth Creates Comfort02:39 What Triggers Growth02:46 Change and Health Events03:15 Complacency and Avoidance04:20 Reframing Crisis as Opportunity04:50 Reassurance and Takeaways05:08 Outro and Credits This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

On Better Sex, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews relationship coach Monica Tanner about her book Bad Marriage Advice, written initially for her son before his marriage. Tanner shares how her parents’ divorce and her own early marital struggles led her to study relationships and train in Relational Life Therapy and sex-related coaching. They discuss common couple dynamics (pursuer–distancer, fighting, withdrawal), how unskillful communication erodes trust and leads to resentment and “roommate syndrome,” and why thriving marriages require learned relational skills rather than fairy-tale expectations. They address sex myths, the need to discover and communicate desires, and the idea that emotional connection and sexual connection are related but distinct systems requiring intentional work. Tanner critiques clichés like “compromise,” “happy wife, happy life,” “don’t go to bed angry,” and “don’t sweat the small stuff,” and suggests practices like regular “sex talk Tuesday.”00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Monica Tanner01:33 Why Relationships Matter04:28 Common Couple Dynamics06:40 Romance Myths And Control08:42 How Sex Gets Impacted10:23 Love Versus Desire12:44 Jess Quick Break13:13 Bad Sex Advice Myth15:12 Compromise Versus Collaboration16:59 Cliche Advice Debunked18:33 Learning Relationship Skills21:17 Healing Childhood Wounds23:34 Rebuilding Spark And Context26:04 Book And Where To Find27:23 Final OutroWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Monica Tanner, RLT trained, Relationship Coach and host of the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast, transforms marriages with simple communication, connection, conflict resolution and commitment strategies. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction. Through her engaging podcast, new Amazon Best-Selling book, Bad Marriage Advice, vibrant social media community, and couple’s coaching practice, Monica's expert guidance has impacted thousands of couples, by helping them ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to living their happily ever after love story.www.badmarriageadvice.comwww.monicatanner.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the “plight” of the higher-desire partner who wants sex to be part of a loving relationship but feels stuck in a catch-22: bringing it up can be labeled as pushing and create more shutdown, while staying quiet can make the lower-desire partner assume everything is fine. She encourages finding a “sweet spot” for advocating without nagging, and suggests avoiding framing the issue only as unmet needs and unhappiness, which can increase guilt and pressure. Instead, approach conversations with compassion for the lower-desire partner’s struggle, emphasize the goal of a win-win sex life both can enjoy, and highlight the emotional intimacy and connection sex can provide—not just physical release. 00:00 Better Sex Intro00:45 Higher Desire Dilemma01:57 The Catch 2202:40 Find the Sweet Spot02:58 Talk Without Pressure03:35 Compassion and Win Win04:50 Sex as Connection06:22 Closing and Next Steps This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Krish Phua, a certified sexologist and intimacy and sexual wellness therapist at Underneath the Moon Singapore, about applying Gary Chapman’s five love languages (physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts) to erotic connection. They address the common misconception that “physical touch” simply means sex or entitles someone to it, emphasizing that physical touch includes many non-sexual forms of contact and that sex involves more than touch alone. Krish frames love languages in three layers—how we express love, how we want to receive it, and how we love ourselves—arguing self-love and self-awareness underpin erotic connection. He shares practical bedroom examples for physical touch (non-goal-oriented body mapping, post-climax connection), acts of service (preparing a calming space), and highlights the power of words of affirmation. They also discuss rebuilding safety, curiosity, and communication to reduce performance pressure.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Episode Setup01:53 Love Languages Basics04:15 Touch Is Not Sex05:13 Erotic Connection Map07:52 Three Layers Framework09:46 Bedroom Examples11:26 Substack Invite13:42 Reconnecting As A Couple18:25 All Five In Bed20:04 Words Of Affirmation21:42 Gifts And Generosity22:23 Where To Find Krish23:26 Podcast OutroSubscribe to Jessa on substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Krish Phua is a registered Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Intimacy and Sexual Wellness Therapist and certified Clinical Supervisor. He is also a Board-Certified Diplomate and Certified Sexologist with the American Board of Sexology.Since 2013, Krish has served in diverse settings such as counselling centres, recovery centres, clinics, therapy centres, hospitals, prisons, halfway houses, special schools and educational institutions. He provides therapy in individual, couple, family and group contexts, and has facilitated mental health talks and workshops for varied communities.Krish is also an appointed Adjunct Faculty (Lecturer) for counselling and psychology subjects in private educational institutions for adult learners. He regularly publishes professional insights and reflections through blog articles.Krish holds a Master’s degree in Social Science (Professional Counselling) and Master’s degree in Business Administration (International Management).Fluent in English, Mandarin and Cantonese, Krish integrates multicultural perspectives into his therapeutic and academic work.www.underneaththemoon.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this soapbox episode of Better Sex, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman shares a client-inspired lesson on how fear-based conversations can spiral into a reactive cycle that fuels negativity and creates the outcomes partners most dread. Drawing on the idea that events lead to thoughts, interpretations, emotions, and then actions, she introduces the concept of the “anti-fear”—the opposite of a feared outcome—and encourages listeners to imagine and reinforce a more empowering story instead of worst-case scenarios. She walks through how one partner relaxed quickly when focusing on feeling supported and loved, while the other found it edgy because it conflicted with a long-held belief that his needs won’t be met. By choosing a positive vision and looking for evidence that supports it, couples can respond more collaboratively and stay connected when bumps arise.00:00 Better Sex Intro00:46 Soapbox Episode Setup01:11 Fear Spiral In Couples02:04 Anti Fear Reframe03:35 Partner A Finds Evidence04:18 Partner B And Life Story05:20 Reinforce A New Narrative06:16 Try This Yourself06:47 Outro And CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.I'm on Substack! This is where I am focusing my energy to connect with the people who I seek to serve. Come visit:More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe