E340: Why Being the Only One Not Drinking Feels So Uncomfortable

Deciding to quit and feeling comfortable talking about that decision are different things. You can be glad you’re sober and still not want to explain your drinking history to a coworker. You can want to see your friends and feel uncomfortable when ordering drinks becomes a group activity you’re no longer participating in. That discomfort doesn’t automatically mean you’re unsure about sobriety.In this episode, we’re going to talk about why being the only person who isn’t drinking can feel so uncomfortable, whether people are asking questions, pushing you to have one, or accepting your answer while you’re still worried about what they think. We’ll look at belonging, the pressure to explain yourself, and how trying to prove you’re still fun can make it harder to enjoy being there. We’ll also talk about the difference between wanting alcohol and wanting to feel included. Because sometimes what you miss is being able to join in without your choice becoming something you have to think about or discuss.Work with me:Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membershipSober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coachingWeekly email:You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/emailSupport the show:If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpoweredThank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsorsDisclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice. Sources 1. Bartram A, Eliott J, Crabb S. ‘Why can’t I just not drink?’ A qualitative study of adults’ social experiences of stopping or reducing alcohol consumption. Drug Alcohol Rev. 20172. Romo LK, Obiol ME. How people in recovery manage the stigma of being an alcoholic. Health Commun. 20233. Desnoyers AJ, Kocovski NL, Fleming JE, Antony MM. Self-focused attention and safety behaviors across group therapies for social anxiety disorder. Anxiety Stress Coping. 2017See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You can be happy you quit drinking and still have a moment when a drink sounds good. What can make that moment especially difficult is what you think it says about you. “I thought I was past this. Why do I still want alcohol? Have I actually accepted sobriety?”You may have expected that, eventually, being committed would mean you stopped wanting it so when a craving appears, it raises a bigger question: “Am I going to spend the rest of my life thinking about this?”That’s a lot to conclude from one moment. But if you’ve been using the absence of cravings as proof that you’re doing well, having one can feel like evidence that something’s wrong. Today, I want to look at how that happens, when acknowledging a desire turns into bargaining, and what responding differently actually accomplishes.Work with me:Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membershipSober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coachingWeekly email:You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/emailSupport the show:If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpoweredThank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsorsDisclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice. ReferencesZaiser J, Hoffmann S, Zimmermann S, et al. Individual stress reactivity predicts alcohol craving and alcohol consumption in alcohol use disorder in experimental and real-life settings. Transl Psychiatry. 2025Zhao J, Linn BK, Stasiewicz PR, Wilding GE, LaBarre C, Bradizza CM. Mechanisms of behavior change during alcohol treatment among negative affect drinkers: a time-varying effect model analysis using 84 consecutive days of ecological momentary assessment. Psychol Addict Behav. 2024See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sometimes the most surprising part of quitting drinking isn’t how much you want a drink. It’s how much you want everyone to leave you alone. This can be confusing. Why are you so impatient? Is this your personality without alcohol? Are you going to spend the rest of your sober life annoyed with everyone?Irritability means you’re more easily annoyed or frustrated. You don’t necessarily start the day angry about something specific, but it takes less to get you there. Quitting drinking can involve several overlapping adjustments, and irritability doesn’t have one explanation. Today, we’ll talk about those contributors, why small things can feel so difficult, and how to recognize what’s building before irritation turns into an outburst or a reason to drink. I’ll also explain what to expect over time and what progress looks like.Work with me:Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membershipSober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coachingWeekly email:You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/emailSupport the show:If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpoweredThank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsorsDisclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice. SourcesFox HC, Alcina J, Hyman SM, Milivojevic V, Sinha R. Early alcohol abstinence symptoms and the role of cumulative adversity. Alcohol Clin Exp Res (Hoboken). 2025Krizan Z, Hisler G. Sleepy anger: restricted sleep amplifies angry feelings. J Exp Psychol Gen. 2019Ottonello M, Fiabane E, Pistarini C, Spigno P, Torselli E. Difficulties in emotion regulation during rehabilitation for alcohol addiction: correlations with metacognitive beliefs about alcohol use and relapse risk. Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat. 2019See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We expect to feel better once we stop drinking, and then sometimes we’re more anxious, irritable, unable to sleep, and bothered by everything. You might feel restless when you try to relax or exhausted but unable to settle down. Your emotions may feel more intense without alcohol there to shut them off. It’s easy to interpret this as evidence that quitting was the wrong choice. Now you’re not drinking, and your body seems even more activated. Maybe alcohol really was the only thing that calmed you down.But there’s a difference between regulation and chemical relief. Regulation is your ability to respond to what’s happening and eventually recover once the challenge has passed. Chemical relief changes your experience quickly so you don’t have to remain present with it. You feel stressed, lonely, bored, or overwhelmed, then you drink and feel different.Work with me:Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membershipSober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coachingWeekly email:You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/emailSupport the show:If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpoweredThank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsorsDisclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice. ReferencesPrisciandaro JJ, Schacht JP, Prescot AP, et al. Intraindividual changes in brain GABA, glutamate, and glutamine during monitored abstinence from alcohol in treatment-naive individuals with alcohol use disorder. Addict Biol. 2020Claisse C, Cottencin O, Ott L, Berna G, Danel T, Nandrino JL. Heart rate variability changes and emotion regulation abilities in short- and long-term abstinent alcoholic individuals. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2017Zou X, Durazzo TC, Meyerhoff DJ. Regional Brain Volume Changes in Alcohol-Dependent Individuals During Short-Term and Long-Term Abstinence. Alcohol Clin Exp Res. 2018de Zambotti, M., Willoughby, A. R., Baker, F. C., Sugarbaker, D. S., & Colrain, I. M. Cardiac autonomic function during sleep: Effects of alcohol dependence and evidence of partial recovery with abstinence. Alcohol, 2015.Eddie, D., Wieman, S., Pietrzak, A., & Zhai, X. In natura heart rate variability predicts subsequent alcohol use in individuals in early recovery from alcohol use disorder. Addiction Biology, 2023.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Many of us use alcohol to turn off our brain, escape our problems, or check out, but escapism is actually associated with more intense drinking and lower life satisfaction. In this episode you’ll learn about the different theories behind escapism, why we’re doing this, and how it makes our problems worse. I hope that this episode can help you make some connections so you realize drinking isn’t helping you. I’ll also share a personal story of when I drank to escape and how that went for me.Work with me:Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membershipSober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coachingWeekly email:You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/emailSupport the show:If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpoweredThank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsorsDisclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice. What to listen to nextE213: self care is not temporarily turning off your brainE214: self-medicationE216: 4 types of impulsivitySourcesJouhki, H., Oksanen, A. To Get High or to Get Out? Examining the Link between Addictive Behaviors and Escapism. Substance Use & Misuse. 2022.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I know it feels like alcohol is required to relax. I felt that way too, but it's not. Turning off your brain at the end of the day is not the same thing as relaxing. In this episode, I’m going to explain what the research tells us about alcohol and your stress system, why short-term relief doesn’t necessarily mean drinking is helping you cope over time, and how stress can become connected to the motivation to keep drinking. Let’s start with what happens when you drink after a stressful experience, because understanding why alcohol feels helpful is part of understanding why we become so attached to it.Work with me:Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membershipSober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coachingWeekly email:You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/emailSupport the show:If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpoweredThank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsorsDisclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice. Sources:Muehlhan M, Höcker A, Miller R, et al. HPA axis stress reactivity and hair cortisol concentrations in recently detoxified alcoholics and healthy controls with and without childhood maltreatment. Addict Biol. 2020Blaine SK, Ridner C, Campbell B, et al. People who binge drink show neuroendocrine tolerance to alcohol cues that is associated with immediate and future drinking- results from a randomized clinical experiment. Neuropsychopharmacology. 2023Adinoff B, Leonard D, Price J, et al. Adrenocortical sensitivity, moderated by ongoing stress, predicts drinking intensity in alcohol-dependent men. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2017See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We believe alcohol is required for vacations, unwinding, dealing with stress, celebrating, and socializing. We have built up powerful associations in our brains to reinforce these beliefs through dopamine and repetition. After you get sober, facing life without alcohol can feel impossible. Everything reminds you of alcohol. You start to notice how prevalent it is on TV and in movies. In this episode, I’m explaining how the brain builds associations with alcohol, how that gets worse while we stay in the back and forth, and how we break down these associations after getting sober.  Work with me: Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membership Sober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coaching Weekly email: You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/email Support the show: If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpowered Thank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsors Sources are posted on my website Disclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Many of us, myself included, get stuck in a cycle where we keep convincing ourselves we can drink again and then we’re shocked when it doesn’t go well. There are a couple of reasons why this happens, and it’s not simply because you forgot. There’s more to it. You’re not doomed to keep repeating this cycle forever. Work with me: Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membership Sober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coaching Weekly email: You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/email Support the show: If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpowered Thank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsors Sources are posted on my website Disclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There is a difference between knowing that you need to be sober and accepting that you need to be sober. Acceptance changes the question from “can I drink?” to “since drinking is not an option for me, what do I need now, and what am I going to do next?” In this episode, I’m going to talk about why accepting sobriety can feel like such a loss, how resistance shows up differently when you’re sober curious, newly sober, or years into sobriety, and why you can accept that you have to be sober without liking it, feeling peaceful about it, or pretending that it’s fair. Work with me: Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membership Sober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coaching Weekly email: You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/email Support the show: If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpowered Thank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsors Sources are posted on my website Disclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There are a few stages that we go through on the path to truly acknowledging our drinking. One of the earlier ones is when drinking feels mysterious, so the “I drank and I don’t know why” or “it’s just a bad habit” person. Another one is getting really into learning and then doing nothing with everything you learn. I got obsessed with the science when I quit drinking. It helped me understand myself and why this happened to me, but learning didn’t help me change what was causing all of my problems. I began shifting this podcast to talk more about behavior change once I noticed the same thing happening with my listeners. Sometimes I’d see people use scientific explanations before looking at the behavior right in front of them. They’d say they drank because PAWS is so hard to deal with, but they were on day 4. You can’t have post-acute withdrawal if you’re still in acute withdrawal. In that moment, the label became a way to explain the behavior without looking at what needed to change. Insight gives us a reason to explain our behavior without having to change it. Work with me: Community & Meetings: Living a Sober Powered Life https://www.soberpowered.com/membership Sober coaching https://www.soberpowered.com/sober-coaching Weekly email: You’ll hear from me every week-ish https://www.soberpowered.com/email Support the show: If you enjoyed this episode please consider buying me a coffee to support all the research and effort that goes into this podcast https://www.buymeacoffee.com/soberpowered Thank you for supporting this show by supporting my sponsors https://www.soberpowered.com/sponsors Sources are posted on my website Disclaimer: all of the information described in this podcast is my interpretation of the research combined with my opinion. This is not medical advice.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.