Chapter 11- Learned Behaviour

I knew my parents loved me, I could never deny that; I just needed them to love me the way I needed to be loved, not the way they thought I needed to be loved! My parents loved me in a language that was not my own! My dad gave me tough love when I needed something totally different. I needed a softer touch, a lighter touch. Home was hot, and you know how the old saying goes, if you can’t take the heat then get out of the kitchen. I was hungry for love, starving for affection, and I just wasn’t getting it, but I couldn’t just leave the kitchen, I needed to find a way to get out the home, without getting out the home. I turned to what I knew, I found a safe place, a place where I felt loved and accepted. If you fail to give your children what they need at home, they will go looking outside, most of the time what they find outside will be the very things they struggle with later on in life.

sometimes children show sexual behaviours that appear to be outside the normal range - it is important to understand why this is happening. These behaviours are a response to a child or young person's exposure to sexual experiences that are inappropriate for their age - this can include sexual abuse, with that being said it’s also key to to know that sexual abuse is not always the reason for abnormal sexual behaviour. In my case I simply saw something being done to another child by another child and that totally blew my mind, that was the opening of Pandora’s box! It intrigued me and made me curious, and I went looking, I eventually found what I was looking for, and because I was going through so much pain at home. This new found vice became my way out!

Too much too soon, at the tender age of 7 I was sitting on my living room floor watching a music video by k7 entitled come baby come, If you’ve seen the music video then you’d know that it’s pretty explicit. My young mind was blown, I saw the pretty girl laying on the car bonnet while the guy was licking her bare stomach. I couldn’t explain it! All I know is that while I was watching it, it felt good, but at the same time it felt wrong. It was around this time that I began to see the opposite sex as objects. I didn’t plan for life to take this turn, but no foundation was laid for me in regards to sex, relationships, and the opposite sex, so the bad guys got there first! I was involved in explicit things from way too early, it was too much, too soon. As a child I needed relief, I needed to feel good, girls made me feel good, doing things with girls made me feel good! It’s sad but true, my home life was a mess! I was simply looking for a way out, so I found a way out, it just wasn’t a good one, it was a way out that would land me right back into the pit of pain! This early exposure would mess me up real bad in my later years.

I was riddled with fear from a very young age, this was on full display through my lack of confidence when speaking, i struggled with a sever speech impediment that literally knocked me for 6. I had this stutter from as long I can remember, It would paralyse me whenever I was placed under any kind of pressure, without fail. I despised all forms of public speaking, and was only comfortable around my close friends and family members. Growing up I vividly remember being put down by my peers on a regular basis, a day wouldn’t go by when I wasn’t ridiculed or laughed at. This was truly my Achilles heel. In this chapter I break down how this effected me growing up, and the detrimental damage it caused me.

Many of our habit patterns are established through routine interactions with others. Aspects of our character are often formed through observing the behavior of others. These Learned Behaviors influence our personal development just like verbal suggestion and trauma. Often times, one’s behavior contradicts what they say. If someone says they love us in one moment only to ignore or beat us in the next, they are sending a conflicted message to a young and fertile mind. Other’s habits rub off on us without our awareness. If someone repeatedly breaks their promise by failing to show up for us, we may be inclined to surround ourselves with flakey people who do not do what they say they will do. This is another way we develop our distorted identity.

Reparenting Affirmations I am so glad you were born. You are a good person. I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side. You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad. You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection. All of your feelings are okay with me. I am always glad to see you. It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are. You can make mistakes - they are your teachers. You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes. You are a delight to my eyes. You can choose your own values. You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone. You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers. I am very proud of you.

It was Luther Vandross who once said that a house is not a home. Everyone wants to build or buy a house, we deck it out with nice things, we purchase the flashiest furnisher, we have the best car on the drive. Yet with all these goods in our possession, we can still lack the ingredients that makes a house a home! You need love for that, patience, tact, long-suffering, and the list goes on. We need to come to grips with knowing that it’s the home that holds all the power! If the home is a mess, the school will be a mess, the family home is the foundation of society! Things go wrong when the home goes wrong! If we can win here, then we can win everywhere.

Primary school was my home away from home, this was my sweet retreat, I loved school with my whole heart! First, to arrive, last time to leave. At school, I was flowing, I was in my element, whatever school was offering I was taking. At school, I was able to breathe, I was able to be myself and let loose. My primary school experience literally helped to keep me in the game.

It is understandable why we as humans want to ignore trauma. Our cultures tell us we should “get over it” and “get back to normal” as soon as possible. We don’t want to look – or feel – weak. We may fear that we’ll be overwhelmed and fall apart if we talk about it. Time alone does not heal all trauma wounds. Much like a physical wound that doesn’t heal, unaddressed trauma can fester. The result is violence and even more trauma.

Thoughts do more, words do much, actions do much more. When it comes down to children, seeing is really believing. Actions really do speak louder than words, many of us have heard about love, we know all about it, we’ve read many books and watched countless films about love, but have rarely truly experienced it. Children take in what they see, more than what they hear. The real sort is that none of us is perfect, we are all striving to get to where we need to be, I just really hope that we can all learn how to say Love with the way we live, rather than merely saying it with our lips.