Ep 206: Why Fantasizing Your Way Through Dating is F*cking You Over

So…I did the thing. I am officially back on the dating apps. That’s right, my loves—I’m back in the dating trenches. All the things you’re going through? I’m going through them right along with you. (I figured if I'm releasing a program about dating, it's only fair that I do it alongside you, right?) But as long as I’m here, I’m going to talk about some of the reasons why you might not be having much success with dating. First and foremost, the fact that you’ll go on one date with a man and come home already planning the wedding. It’s great to be excited when you meet someone new. But it’s TOO fucking easy to get swept straight into a full-blown fantasy about who this person is…when in reality, you have no idea who they actually are. “But Michelle, we’re soulmates!” No, you’re STRANGERS. And you need to remember that before you dive too deep into something you don’t even want.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Sign up for SWIPE RIGHT, my signature dating program that is going to help you attract genuine, long-term love: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

If you’re racking your brain trying to figure out why you can’t seem to find “the one” for you…sit down a sec. I think I might’ve solved it. So. Your relationships keep failing. You keep attracting emotionally unavailable men. You can’t find someone willing to commit. You can’t track down a secure man. Your dating woes seem to have no fucking end. Now, hear me out on this one… It sounds to me like YOU’RE the fucking problem. No, think about it—what’s the common denominator in all these relationships? Different men, different circumstances, all with the same outcome, and the only consistent factor is—you guessed it—you. “No, Michelle, it’s them!” Are you sure about that? Because I smell bullshit. But the only way to be sure is to take a good, hard look at what you might be doing to contribute, so… Let’s talk about five red flags you might be flying without even realizing it.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Sign up for SWIPE RIGHT, my signature dating program that is going to help you attract genuine, long-term love: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

At the very beginning of this year, I went through a pretty devastating breakup. It’s been nearly seven months now, and I haven’t dated at all since then. Not just because I wasn’t going to jump right on the apps after such a difficult breakup—a girl’s gotta process, after all—but because I just didn’t have a desire to date. Now, that’s starting to change. I can feel myself on the verge of being ready to date again…which is super exciting. But it also has me thinking a lot about the way a secure woman approaches dating compared to the way insecure women approach dating, and honestly? We need to talk about this. There are some super common threads I’ve seen among the clients I’ve supported through dating, and I want to help you avoid falling prey to the same. So let’s go over five things secure women NEVER do while dating.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Sign up for SWIPE RIGHT, my signature dating program that is going to help you attract genuine, long-term love: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

Unf*ck Your Relationship may be for the girlies (mostly) but this one? This one’s for the boys. Okay, real talk, this podcast is for everyone. (Love you all, proud of you for being here, XOXO.) But today, we are going to be having some guy talk…because we have an actual guy on the podcast. That’s right: the elusive man has appeared on Unf*ck Your Relationships. Everyone please welcome Jack Bohannan! Jack is a certified somatica relationship coach who combines the experiential approach of somatica with elements of the Ideal Parent Figure, or IPF, protocol by Daniel Brown, which is a method developed to treat attachment issues. He supports women in healing their relationships with men and empowers men to relate better to women and themselves. This one’s going to be juuuicy, friends. I can feel it. And don’t worry…I know you’ve got questions for the man in the room. Jack’s going to help us get to the bottom of some of the greatest mysteries surrounding men…and maybe even turn the tables on me a little bit.   WORK WITH JACK: Are you an anxiously attached girly? Struggling to connect with an avoidant partner? Get Jack’s FREE webinar now: polarityunscripted.com/heal  Ready to release old attachment patterns + create happier, healthier connections? Work with Jack: polarityunscripted.com    CONNECT WITH JACK: Connect with Jack on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/polarityunscripted/    WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I’ll say it every fucking time I have a guest on the podcast: I am so fucking excited to introduce you all to one of my beautiful clients, Kellie Irene! Kellie has done Awakening Her, The Experience, and my retreats, so she’s been in my world for a while. She absolutely embodies main character energy. She’s bold, courageous, vivacious…I love being around her, and I have to bring her magic into this space so you all can experience it, too. But Kellie didn’t start out this confident. And this is one of the most f*cking impressive “how it started vs. how it’s going” stories you’ll ever hear. But I’ll let Kellie tell the story…   CONNECT WITH KELLIE: Be the first to listen when Kellie launches her podcast, THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS: https://www.instagram.com/thewomanofyourdreamspodcast/  Follow Kellie’s wrestling journey: https://www.instagram.com/iamskylarcruize/  Connect with Kellie: https://www.instagram.com/kellieirenee/    WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

“I’m too needy. I ask for too much. I’m too emotional.” “I’m not strong enough. I’m not confident enough. I’m not cruisy enough.” Too much AND not enough…all at the same time? Yes, it is possible…and no, you’re not the only one. I see this shit every day in my work. Women who feel simultaneously like they are too much, too needy, too difficult, while also feeling like they aren’t enough to be chosen and cherished.  That pendulum swing? It’s no fucking joke—and until you figure out how to regulate it, you’re going to keep swinging until you’re so dizzy you can’t even think straight. Tired of your too-muchness? Ready to kiss not-enoughness goodbye? Let’s get it done, love.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

I can’t believe I’m about to say this (well, I actually can) but… WELCOME TO THE 200TH EPISODE OF UNF*CK YOUR RELATIONSHIPS! Fuuuck, has this been a JOURNEY. Most podcasts don’t even break double digits, let alone triple, let alone hit fucking 200. Can I just take a second to brag on myself? Way to go, Michelle. I’m so proud of you. And I’m proud of YOU, my loves; every single one of you that has shown up wanting to do the work. Wanting to learn. Wanting to reconnect to yourself and to others. I see you. I’m so fucking proud of you for being here. You’ve given me the gift of my dream come true…so I want to give something back today. I reached out and asked for your relationship situations you could use a little coaching on, and you all DELIVERED.  Today, we’re playing a little game called TRUTH OR TRIGGER. Let’s see if those stories you’re telling yourself about your relationships are ACTUALLY the truth…or a story your triggers are trying to disguise as the truth.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening  Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

So. Let’s review. You’re a high-achieving, self-aware woman. You’ve clocked your patterns and traced them back to their cause. You’ve been in therapy. You’ve read the books. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You’ve done breathwork, meditation, EFT tapping, all the things… And you haven’t made any real fucking progress. Why? Why have you done all the things, but aren’t getting “better?” Because mindset work isn’t enough. Because awareness without embodiment is just you doing mental cartwheels AROUND your trauma, not actually integrating it. Let’s talk about how to fix that.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

When I tell you this particular guest of mine is one of the most joyous, radiant, embodied women that I know…I hope you know that I fucking mean it. And I’m not just saying it because she’s my client. Meet Chené O’Brien: a client of mine, an embodiment coach, and the owner of the hottest f*cking accent ever. Chené’s healing journey started from a place of constant self-abandonment…but she clocked that pattern, embraced the pieces of herself that kept trying to throw her needs to the curb, and is now out here helping others connect to their own embodied wisdom. Her story brought me to tears. Genuinely. And now it’s your turn. So without further ado…let’s turn the mic over to Chené, shall we?   WORK WITH CHENÉ: Want to work with Chené? Uh, yeah you fucking do. Head to her website now to get started: https://embodieddelight.carrd.co/   CONNECT WITH CHENÉ: Follow Chené on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/embodied_delight?igsh=MTFpM2pnNHZiMzJ2MQ==   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

It all happens so fast. One minute you’re living your best life. You’re hitting the gym. You’re journaling. You’re doing your embodiment practices. You’re going out with your friends. You’re going on solo dates. You have hobbies that you love… And then you meet someone. It is astonishing how QUICKLY I’ve seen women go from their glow-up era to “Wait, did I say the right thing? Did I mess up? Oh, he wants to hang out Friday—I’d better cancel my plans. Did that come across as too needy? Was I too much? What if he—” GIRL. TAKE A BREATH. Even when you’re a self-aware human, it’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new relationship. You can easily end up abandoning yourself without even realizing it’s happening…because when it does happen, it isn’t anything catastrophic. It just…happens. A little here. A bit more there. Until suddenly, when something finally goes wrong in the relationship and you bother to look up at your life for the first time in a while, you realize that you don’t even recognize the person you’ve become. But WHY do we do this—and how can we stop?   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com