The Forgive Habit

Just a little rant here:  philosophy classes turn off many college students for a simple reason — they never get around to saying how philosophy can shake your living.  Some classes might teach more on “how to think philosophically,” or “here are the old philosophers.”  Some may speak to ethics or arguments, logic or some other esoteric area.  But how to live, day-to-day?  That is often lost to the student. (By they way, I would offer this as an issue with much of theology, too.  Lots of talk about what not to do, what God (or gods) might be like, and how to judge how others live… but not so much clarity on living day-to-day.  But that is a rant for another day!) Anyway, philosophy, as originally taught in ancient days, was exactly for deciding how to live.  How should you act, feel, and think?  As different schools of philosophy might point out, that all depends upon your basic ideas of what a meaningful life might be. Sometimes, we are already acting in ways that point to our idea of meaning, even without a philosophical basis.  I think of this as our “natural philosophy” — how we have made sense of the world. After my first book, many people asked if I was a Stoic.  At that time, I had only a passing concept of that philosophy.  Just one of those old schools of philosophy from a bygone age.  But after hearing it a number of times, I started investigating.  Sure enough, much of my approach to living day-to-day was Stoic.  Huh. Then, I started finding others that had this same experience.  One of those is Vitaliy Katsenelson.  He is the CEO of an investment company.  But his story goes back to his family’s immigration to the United States, from Russia, when Vitaliy was a child.  He was old enough to still remember those memories of a dying USSR (and to hold onto a bit of an accent), but young enough to find his way through American culture. After writing several books on investing (including the psychology of investing), Vitaliy took to talking about life.  Not just professional life.  But other areas of life.  Art, music, chess, and family life were grist for the mill of exploring meaning. This led to Vitaliy’s latest book, Soul In The Game.  While in the process of writing, Vitaliy stumbled upon Stoic thought and found a new home there.  He incorporates that into this book, to further his exploration into the meaningful life (a slightly different question than the meaning of life). I had a chance to sit down and chat with Vitaliy about a wide range of issues and topics, all related to how life becomes meaningful, and how to find that meaning.  Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to find out more. RELATED RESOURCES Vitaliy’s Website Vitaliy’s Podcast Find His Book Here My Book on Thriving

I’ve had a few people who have noticed that the Thriveology Podcast has been on a bit of a hiatus for a couple of months.  They asked where I have been. Well, since the question was about my podcast, I thought I would respond in… my podcast! So, listen in for what I’ve been up to, where we are headed, and how you can learn more about thriving — along with me! And we will be back with a great interview in the next episode. RELATED RESOURCES: NEW:  Thriving with Lee Baucom resource Lee’s Books

Do you ever do something that breaks a rule (or even a law), thinking to yourself that it doesn’t apply to you? I do. Sometimes, I use that speed limit sign as a suggestion.  I’m a good driver, I tell myself.  What harm could +5mph do?  Except the sign is a law, not a guideline or suggestion. But I explain it away.  I decide it is ok. I dare to venture that very close to 100% of people do something similar with some rule or law in their own lives.  Someone tells me that they think affairs are bad and unacceptable, while excusing their own infidelity.  I once saw a doctor (some years back) tell a patient that smoking was very bad for them, and they needed to stop… while heading out for a smoke break! I could go on and on. How do we make those moments make sense?  The "Me Exception,” to borrow a term I recently read about.  (The topic I was reading about is politically charged, but my observations were meant to note how we ALL do it, every day… and not about the topic I was reading about.) The Me Exception.  We all do it… and it isn’t particularly beneficial to us thriving.  It might even be dangerous to the greater good! Listen in below as we explore your Me Exception. RELATED RESOURCES The Un-Stuck Series My Books on Thriving

Do you micro-quit?  I sure do.  And I need to quit micro-quitting!  Maybe you do, too. It undermines my goals (and likely, your goals too).  And it keeps you from thriving. What is micro-quitting?  Well, if you quit something (an activity, a job, a sport, a hobby, etc.), you stop doing it.  You step away from it. But when you micro-quit, you don’t follow through on the smaller building blocks of the bigger thing.  You don’t quit.  But you chip away at that bigger thing. For example, you are exercising.  Maybe you like to.  Maybe you want to be in better shape.  But either way, you have decided to exercise. You set your alarm for an early workout.  It goes off.  You decide to hit the snooze button and do a shorter session.  Or you give up on that next set of reps.  Even though it was in your plan… and it was your intention to do it.  You don’t.  You micro-quit on that plan, on that action. And in the process, you may be undermining your goals.  A little at a time, a micro-quit at a time. It might just be keeping you and me from thriving! I discuss micro-quitting (and how to micro-commit) in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Your Fierce Life The Habits Series Taking on Discomfort

All around the news, we are hearing about algorithms built into our social media.  It directs what we see and hear. It is how all social media decides what to feed you next.  If you like this video, then you might like this one.  If you know this person, then you may know this person.  If you respond to this ad, then you might respond to this one.  The task?  To keep you on the app or the website.  Because that is the thing about social media:  they want your attention and your time.   But guess what?  You have algorithms that are running inside of you.  They are your “Personal Algorithms.”  They are your habits that run your daily life.  And they don’t really function that differently than what the tech companies use. In essence, algorithms are simply If/Then formulas.  “If” this happens, “then” you do this.  In life, they represent your own daily habits and reactions.  The “If” is a trigger.  Something happens.  And when it does, you “then” do something.  If your stomach growls, then you grab a bite to eat.  If you are walking by the cookie jar, then you grab one and eat it.  If the alarm goes off, then you hit the snooze several times.  If/Then. Those algorithms can keep you stuck or free you up, depending on how you use them. My guest this week is Michael Balchan.  He is the CEO of Heroic.us, an app based approach to thriving more in life.  Listen in as we discuss your habits, your life, your algorithms, and how to be on your own “heroic journey.” Throughout his adulthood, Michael has been trying to not just “punch the clock,” but to thrive.  And over the years, he immersed himself in learning and executing.  He sought wisdom from others, then worked to apply it into his life. Along the way, he moved from finance professional to professional coach.  And on that path, he realized his own mission was to help the world to thrive. On this episode, we talk about ways to thrive, and a new resource to help you thrive. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Heroic.us Thrive Principles Simplified The Habits Series

"Where should I start?", my client asked. Lots of times, we want to make changes, we want things to be different.  And sometimes, we want things to be different before we make any changes. We want a different starting point. If you've ever been at a park or mall, looking at the map to figure out where to go, you might notice that one very important feature, "You Are Here."  It points to the spot where you are now. Not where you want to go.  Not where you want to be. But where you are. If you are at the mall and see the store you want... on the other side of the mall, you might wish you were standing nearby, near the destination store.  Not all the way across the mall. But if you are on the other side of the mall, that is where you are.  Navigating to the destination from a closer point -- a point where you are NOT -- is not likely to be effective. You start where you are. And you might just find... it is a pretty good place to start. Listen to this podcast episode for how to start where you are, and why where you are is a pretty good place to start. RELATED RESOURCES Accepting What Is Limiting Beliefs Making Changes Book:  The Immutable Laws of Living

"Why don't they treat me the way I want to be treated?", my client asked me. So, I asked, "Have you taught them how to treat you?" The silence let me know.  But after a pause, my client said, "I guess it never crossed my mind I needed to do that." The fact is that people do not know how we want to be treated... unless we are clear about how we are to be treated.  Otherwise, we get treated the way THEY want to treat US, and not the reverse. In the end, that leaves people frustrated, defensive, and feeling mistreated. Your BOUNDARIES are what lets people know how you want to be treated.  They are your "NO's" of life.  Things you will not let people do to(wards) you. If your boundaries are solid, you are already following this rule.  But if you find yourself being treated in ways you don't want to be, time to start following this rule, "Teach others how to treat you." Listen to this week's Thriveology Podcast for yet another Rule for Living. RELATED RESOURCES Boundaries and Standards How to Deal with Difficult People The Power of Choice Thrive Books

A few weeks ago, a coaching client noted her resistance to forgiving for fear that she would be vulnerable to being hurt.  I told her that was not at all true.  In fact, being alive leaves you open to hurt! But not forgiving?  It offers no protection.  It does, however, prolong the pain caused by some person or event. This client was not the only one who told me about her concern of forgiving.  I have heard it over and over through my three decades of counseling and coaching. Most people have fallen into a habit of hanging on to the hurt, of not forgiving.  They have a habit of UN-forgiving. Let me suggest that, just like any other habit, you can change this habit.  You can foster a Forgive Habit.  There, you more quickly work toward forgiving the hurts and pains you feel from events and others.  And in the process, you find freedom to move forward with a thriving life. In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss The Forgive Habit and how to foster it. RELATED RESOURCES Why Forgive? How to Forgive Teaching Others How to Treat You How to Set Boundaries The Forgive Process Book

Have you seen the meme that caught my eye?: I really wish I weren't living through a major historical event right now! I feel that!  But here is the thing I am realizing — historic events are happening on a very regular basis.  We aren’t living through the first pandemic (nor will it be the last).  This isn’t the first time we have had political upheaval and polarization (nor will it be the last).  This isn’t the first time an unpredictable war has rocked a nation (and unfortunately, it won’t be the last). I could go on and on.  But you get the point.  We are living through historic events.  As have others, through every other historic event. Sometimes, I wonder how future generations will look back on us, what we are going through, and how we went through it.  Will they believe they could have done better?  Will they think we learned anything?  I wonder…. We get caught up in worrying about events all around us.  And that can lead to anxiety, frustration, and inaction.  Nothing changes. As a client told me years ago, “Its not like I’m not doing anything!  I am worrying!” My client felt like that was doing something.  Indeed, her brain was spinning.  But nothing was changing.  Nothing was happening. How DO you find calm in these crazy times?  We talk about it in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Roots of Worry What is Stress Coping with COVID Series Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Over the past 7 episodes, we have been building our Thrive Code.  The code to follow that allows us to thrive, and also the code that runs your system, like computer code.  And we are closing in on the finish line! We bring the series to an end in this episode. The final piece of the Thrive Code is all about how we feel about others.  Do we see others as “other” or as connected to us?  Do we use compassion or do we objectify? I have a built in belief that we are born with compassion.  Babies and children have a natural compassionate response to others in pain.  But many times, people are taught to not have a compassionate response.  We are taught beliefs about why others are having problems.  Often, those beliefs are based in blame and condemnation. It is no surprise, then, that we are living in a compassion crisis.  Both in terms of compassion for others and self-compassion. Is there a way back?  Yes!  And it starts with understanding exactly what compassion is, where it comes from, why we lose it, and how we can cultivate it.  Learn more in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Challenge Control Community Contribution Create Curiosity Clarity Lee’s Books