SWM 150 – Control, sex and marriage

Jan - June 2025 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Do men enjoy cunnilingus after ejaculation?Should I feel bad for refusing oral after anal?My spouse says I should accept substitutes for sexFeeling unloved due to lack of physical affectionGuilt over sexual desires shaped by past porn useWhen one spouse wants BDSM and the other doesn'tSex is loving but not exciting—can it be fixed?Why not have kids in your 40s?Survey requests on mutual masturbation and handjobsHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Have a Question (submit form)Sexploration ListTalking Dirty (ebook)Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire (post)Desire vs Willingness (post)Sexual Frequency (post)SWM 125 - Rethinking Duty SexBDSM ForumBDSM Survey ResultsMutual Masturbation Survey ResultsCunnilingus (glossary)Your Definition of Gross Changes (post)SWM 147 - Sexual CompatibilitySWM 150 - Control, Sex, and MarriageBecoming More Sexually Engaged (course)MarriedDance.com (store)CouplesMassageCourses.com (course)Marriage Coaching (service)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 150 - Control, sex and marriage. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Last month, I watched a great video by Gary Thomas and his wife Lisa on how a controlling spirit can harm a marriage. It got me thinking: In Christian circles, we often struggle to define the difference between healthy leadership and damaging control—both in marriage and in our relationship with God.Why is it that surrendering to God is seen as good, but demanding control from a spouse is harmful? The key, I believe, is consent and love. When surrender is freely given and motivated by love, it can bring freedom and joy. But when control is forced, it leads to resentment and broken trust.In this post, I’m sharing some personal stories and lessons we’ve learned about navigating these tricky dynamics in marriage.Links in this podcast episode:Gary Thomas - Substack - A controlling spirit can devestate a marriageSWM 108 - What does the Bible say about hell?Sexual Frequency - Why I don't worry anymoreBecoming More Sexually Engaged Course - For Christian WivesSexy Photos Course - For Christian WivesBecoming More Sexually Engaged Course - For Christian WivesFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Today we’re going to do something a little bit different. For those who have been listening for more than a year, you know that my kids are in 4H and every year they have to deliver a speech. For the last few years, my eldest daughter has been delivering speeches about transgenderism based on her research and her own personal experiences. Now, these are difficult topics, and in a lot of cases, she gets, angry judges who mark her poorly simply because of the topic and her stance on it. And it’s easy to think that, oh, that’s just her father thinking that she should have scored better, but when a large number of people every year come to her afterwards telling her how impactful her speech was, how they don’t understand how she couldn’t have placed higher or sometimes at all, when the scoring comes back with no notes, only a bad score, and every year people tell her that she should be talking to churches about this, it’s hard to think otherwise. This year we had an elected government official say she should be speaking to the government about this and sharing her perspectives. This year she actually won at the local level and the district level before getting shot down at the regional level, and the same thing happened. We even had people tell us they went to the judges afterwards to ask them if they made a mistake because so much of the audience thought she was the clear winner, and then she didn’t even place in the top three, which would have let her go on to the provincial level. During her speech, I saw multiple people in tears in the audience, and I didn’t see that for any of the other speakers.So, as has been our tradition for the last three years, we wanted to share this one with you as well in the hopes that it might impact you. So this is my daughter’s speech titled Transgenderism is a Lie.Transgenderism is a lie, a sham, and it promises false hope Hello listeners.I imagine for people who have never experienced gender dysphoria that it’s hard to understand the desire to go through social or medical transition. It’s a very time-consuming, painful and sometimes difficult process. But I understand. I’ve been on that side.Today, I want to share how the normalization of gender dysphoria is drawing people to choose transition in hopes that you can understand and be compassionate.The majority of people who choose transition are young adults and kids uncomfortable with the body they find themselves in. I was and still am one of them. I hate the body I live in. I’ve hated it since before I even understood what the word dysphoria or puberty meant. I was an early bloomer, and my gender dysphoria made itself very apparent when I noticed I was different from my peers. I was completely and utterly uncomfortable with how I looked and felt. Of course, I had people tell me this was normal, but I didn’t see it. If anything I saw the opposite. I read books about girls being excited to develop and late bloomers being upset they didn’t fit in, and that was something I just never could understand. There was nothing I wouldn’t have given to go back to the body I had. That’s a lot to think about as an 11 and 12-year-old. I still think about myself like that on most days. I don’t enjoy living in the body I have. I find it an inconvenience, and it doesn’t feel like it’s mine most of the time. I can’t remember a time when I could look in the mirror and not feel a little like I’m just looking at a game character I happen to be in control of, instead of myself.There is a good chance those feelings won’t ever go away. I’m only 18, and our brains are very plastic, so nothing is set in stone. But it’s been almost 8 years. I’m not expecting the dysphoria to completely go away anymore, and that’s okay because I’ve learned how to cope and live with it. For example,

SWM 148 - 14 red flags your marriage is drifting towards divorce, affairs or lifelong unhappiness. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Have you noticed how quickly disagreements turn into demonization these days? Whether it’s politics, religion, or even marriage, we’ve gotten stuck in a cycle of contempt—where the ‘other side’ isn’t just wrong, they’re evil. And it’s destroying relationships.I see this in my marriage coaching practice all the time: spouses who’ve spent years labeling each other as selfish, cruel, or hopeless. They roll their eyes, assign malicious motives, and show up just to prove their partner is the problem. Once that mindset takes root, digging out takes months—sometimes years.But there’s hope. When couples catch it early—before contempt hardens into habit—change can happen fast. Today, I’m sharing 14 warning signs that you’re heading down this dangerous path. Some might surprise you (like sarcasm or ‘harmless’ nicknames), but the last one? It’s the red flag you can’t ignore. Let’s dive in.Links in the episode:Becoming More Sexually Engaged (Course)Coaching - Sign up for a free callFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 147 - How do you know if you're sexually compatible? Check out the blog post here for more details and links.The most common argument I hear for premarital sex is, "You need to know if you're sexually compatible before getting married. Otherwise, you might end up stuck in a sexless, unfulfilling relationship."And it sounds like sound reasoning.  We test-drive cars before buying them.  We have probation periods for people we hire at work.  We sample foods before purchasing them.  Shouldn't sex, which is one of the most intimate parts of marriage, be tested beforehand to make sure you're a good match?It's a compelling argument that convinces many people to abandon their principles.  It makes you question your morality.  It promises both immediate and long-term gratification.However, it's based on a flawed premise.Links in the episode:Becoming More Sexually Engaged (Course)The Art of Edging (eBook)Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage (podcast)National Longitudinal Lesbian Family StudyLet's talk about sex... and ADHDDeterminants of female sexual orgasmsShould Couples Live Together Before Marriage?Cohabitation Experience and Cohabitation's Association With Marital DissolutionThe Pre-engagement Cohabitation Effect: A Replication and Extension of Previous FindingsFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 146 - Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage - Shifting from Rules to Relationship. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.In my work as a marriage coach, I often see couples transition from one type of marriage to another. There’s no clear line between these states, no set of rules that definitively places someone in one category or the other. Yet, by observing how they handle conflict, express themselves, and interact in small ways, you can often tell which state their marriage is in.A big part of my job as a coach is helping people shift from one type of marriage to another as most issues in marriage are resolved by doing so.Free webinar for Christian wives - Jan 26, 8pm ESTMarriage CoachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Oct, Nov, Dec 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Talking about a lack of sexNot drive due to cancer treatmentsWife doesn't want to use lubeOur sex life is routineStrap-on to help with premature ejaculationDo husbands like handjobs?Can a married couple film themselves during sex?Is sex better on a full stomach?How do you start anal sex?Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:SWM 002 - Getting rid of veto power in the bedroom (podcast)Sexual Frequency - Why I don't worry anymore (post)SWM 125 - Rethinking duty sex (podcast)Coaching (service)My wife wants me to tie her up?! (post)BDSM Survey Results (post)Some rough sex statistics (post)The art of edging (ebook)MarriedDance.com - Hollow strap-on (toy)Where did my sex drive go? (ebook)Do Christians make sex tapes?The way to her heart? Response to romantic cues is dependent on hunger state and dieting history: An fMRI pilot study (study)Ghrelin is related to lower brain reward activation during touch (study)Becoming More Sexually Engaged - for Christian Wives (webinar)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 144 - Why wives have a complicated relationship with sex and what to do about it. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.One of our supporters posted a question in our forum which led to a bit of a discussion on what men perceive as sexy, and it shook the questioner a bit, because it was radically different from what she had been led to believe her whole life.This led into a larger discussion about why women tend to have more hangups about sex than men do.  I shared my thoughts in the forum in a bit of a rant and then realized that I don’t know if I’ve really tackled this a whole lot on the blog and podcast.  If I have, it’s been a few years, so it’s time for a refresher for the new people.So, I’m going to try and make it a little less ranty and a little more coherent and see if maybe I can teach some other wives and women out there a bit about what many men think regarding sex in the hopes that it might help some marriages, present or future.What does the Bible say about hell (and our souls)(blog post/podcast episode)Becoming More Sexually Engaged (course)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

I feel like I have some explaining to do.  A couple of weeks ago, I shared that lately, Christina and I have started having sex a lot more than usual.  We had more sexual encounters last month than there were days in the month.  We’re at about 30 for this month already.  This has led to some questions by some people.  I wrote a large thread in our supporter’s forum to try and answer them all and thought it might be helpful here.  Because it goes beyond just an “ask me anything” sort of post.  It’s really about how we’ve adapted sex to deal with sexual dysfunction in a way that’s not only positive but actually ends up being more fun and connecting than I think most people’s sex lives are.I’m going to try to adapt a forum thread into a post and see how it goes.  If you want to read the original, then you have to become a supporter, and you can search for the thread called “Sex with erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation” because there’s more to the thread than this topic, but I’m just pulling out the topic I wanted to hit today in this post.To start off, we’ve dealt with some sexual dysfunction for our entire marriage.  Christina has had vaginismus (pain during penetration). I deal with erectile dysfunction most of the time and also delayed ejaculation, which means it’s hard for me to orgasm.  Christina also suffers from post-coital depression, which means after she has an orgasm, she tends to get depressed for the next day or two.As such, we’ve had to redefine sex.  Most people, I find, tend to have a fairly narrow expression of sex.  They often have the same routine – some sort of initiation, some sort of foreplay during which the wife might orgasm, then penetration until he orgasms, then they’re done.It might change a bit, but for a lot of people, that’s what sex is. When they say “sex,” they often only mean the penetrative part, and foreplay is a separate category.But what happens when penetration doesn’t happen?  What if you have ED?  What if you have vaginismus?  What if he can’t orgasm (like I can’t a third of the time) – when does it stop?  What if you’re the wife and you don’t want an orgasm first because then you get depressed/bored and aren’t really interested in continuing?  Sorry, Ian, not every wife wants to come first.These are all things we’ve had to deal with.  So, how do you still have sex with all that going on?  Well, I’ll tell you.  What counts as sex?For us, sex isn’t solely defined by penetration.  In fact, only about half of our sexual encounters include PIV sex.  Instead, we view any activity that involves arousal and genitals as part of our sexual life.  A night might only include manual sex, or it might include oral sex.  It might include blindfolds, cuffs, toys and more, and still not have any PIV sex.  We still consider it sex, though.This broader definition helps us keep intimacy alive, no matter what happens. If I can’t get hard, that’s okay because we’ve built a sexual repertoire that doesn’t require an erection.  We have many other options, even before we get to toys, which don’t come out that often anymore.When does sex end?For most couples, it seems sex ends when the husband has had an orgasm.  This is part of the reason for the “she comes first” advice we see everywhere because if she doesn’t have an orgasm first, then she might not get one at all.For us, orgasm is not the end of the fun.  It’s not even the goal.  For me, it’s often not even possible.  Delayed ejaculation can make it so that you run out of energy before you get to orgasm.  For Christina,

August 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:ExhibitionismNo sex in 4 monthsShould I disclose previous porn struggles to fianceeOther resourcesWhat qualifies as mutual masturbationNeed rougher sex to orgasmHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Dealing with differing sex drives in marriage (page)MarriedDance.com (store)RomanticBlessings.com (store - US only)LoveHopeAdventure.com (blog)HotHolyHumorous.com (blog)Gary Thomas (substack)BDSM for ChristiansThe art of edging (ebook)BDSM survery results (post)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.